I Never

"That's all I was to you! A fucking war relief! I loved you, Heero! I would have given you anything! I would have died for you!! And what do you do?! As soon as the damn war ends, you run to the arms of Relena and never come back!! You left me, Heero!! You fucking left me and never even told me why!! Now, you come back! A fucking year later, you show up at my damn door!! Well, FUCK YOU, Heero!"

"Duo, I'm not going to argue with you. Calm yourself," a stoic boy stood in the doorway, only a few feet from the fuming one.

"And why the hell should I?!"

Heero reached behind him, and before Duo could blink, he had a pistol pointed directly at his head. "Sit down, Maxwell."

"No."

A shot rang out and Duo didn't even flinch as a bullet grazed across his left cheek, and blood soon began to well up in the cut. If Duo hadn't been so afraid and so pissed off at the same time, he'd be worried about what the other people in his apartment building were thinking…

But then..…he knew what Heero was here for.. Eyes going hollow, and mouth thinning in steely resolve, the American began to remove his shirt. It was black, but just a normal T-shirt. After the war had ended, he never wore the priest's outfit again, but didn't stray from his black and white…and he still wore his cross… It was the least dirty thing about him.

"What are you doing?"

The boy's face was blank, but he allowed a bit of pain to sound in his voice, "This is what you wanted, wasn't it? It's the only reason I can think of that you would come back."

"I never thought of you like that."

"Then why did you do this to me?! I loved you, Heero… and you just left me… And of all people you left me for, you chose Relena."

"I never said I loved you."

"So, tell me… was it her face you saw every time we-?"

"Stop it, Duo! Stop the pity trip and stop acting like a child."

"Damn it, Heero! Don't you think I've been trying! For the past year, it's all I've tried to do! Then, the newspapers start announcing you engagement to her…"

Heero growled, "I never said I loved her, either."

"So?" Duo shrugged, "The engagement is off, then. You fucked her and didn't think about how she felt, just like you did to me. Why should I care?"

"I never said you should."

"Then why the hell are you even here?!" Duo was blinking back tears by now, and he no longer cared what the other ex pilot thought of him. Damn it, he felt like whore already. Why did Heero come back…?

"Because I had to be."

"That's bullshit, Heero, and you know it! I, under no circumstances, said I wanted you back. Not ever. I hate you!"

He narrowed his eyes, "Lying doesn't become you."

"Fuck off, Yuy. Get out of my apartment."

"No. I'm not going anywhere," Heero shut the door behind him as finality.

"Then I am."

A click is heard, and Duo finds himself, once again, face to face with a gun and reminded of exactly who he was talking to. The only difference between a few moments ago and now, is that now, he had a bleeding cheek and no shirt on. And he felt like his scarred heart had all those old wounds ripped open again… Not that it had ever really healed, anyway.

"Please…tell me why… really. Tell me the real reason you have come back."

Heero just stared at him…or glared at him, rather. He didn't really know what to expect… The Japanese boy had shot at him… Then again, that's usually how the met up with each other. One of them was standing there as the other took shelter behind a gun… and it never seemed to be a big deal before… God, why was Heero doing this? The war was over… shouldn't his pain be over as well?

"So, are you going to shoot me, then?"

The Perfect Soldier looked a bit unnerved by the question and unconsciously tightened his grip on the gun that was still pointing at the jaded boy. His brows furrowed as the American began to chuckle and he actually seemed stunned when the chuckle turned into all out hysterical laughter. Duo laughed so hard he clutched his sides and collapsed onto the couch in order to catch his breath. When the laughter finally ended, all that was left was an uncomfortable silence. The braided boy was the one who broke it.

"I'm so stupid… Of course that's why you're here… God, why didn't I expect this? Yes, you were meant to kill me. If anyone would do it, it would be you. Not those damn OZ soldiers, any of the others, or even disease and old age. You… So… what are you waiting for? A long time ago you said you would shoot me only if I wanted to. I want you to, Heero. I really want you to. Shoot me."

Heero blinked, but made no move to fire.

"Heero, what do you need, a written invitation? A mission? Do it."

The soldier studied the braided boy's eyes and lowered the firearm, despite the pleading looks he got from the American. "No. You don't want to die. You just want to be without pain."

Duo looked at his hands, "Is there really a difference."

"There can be."

"Can there?" he smiled, dejectedly.

"Hai."

"Tell me how, Yuy. If you're so damn smart, tell me how to be happy. Explain how a forsaken, warless, god of death could possibly be happy after all the shit I've been through."

Heero shook his head, and didn't answer. Carefully, he sat down in a chair near the couch and set his gun down on the coffee table in front of him. Duo made no move to grab it. The American doubted he could hold it steady enough to wound the boy, anyway, no matter how close he was. He just wanted to curl up and disappear.

"Do you want to know the real reason I came back?"

Duo looked up at the one who had hurt him more then anyone else, indifferent. Did he really want to know anymore? Would it make a difference? The only way to find out was to ask. So, he nodded.

"I came back to tell you… Damn it, I found you again so I could tell you I love you."

He blinked, disbelieving, and growled slightly, "Don't ever lie to me, Yuy. Don't you ever-"

"I am not lying. I never said I loved you. I fucking slept with you all during the war, and you did everything to try to help me. You let me do whatever I wanted to you without complaint, and always tried to stop me from hurting myself. You saved my life, and were my life… and I never said I love you. And then I left you… I stupidly left the best thing in my worthless existence to be with someone who never really needed me at all."

There was a pause, and the braided boy with the wide violet eyes was now visibly shaking due to the sheer force behind Heero's voice. Duo's feelings were clear. Fear, surprise, anxious, as if he was afraid the Japanese boy would strike him, but laced with it all was anticipation…hope…

Heero wasn't even looking at him anymore, and his voice was now soft so the American had to strain to hear it, "Duo, not for the first time in my life, I was the idiot. I love you, and I'm not lying. I never want to lie to you again. Forgive me. Forgive me for never telling you. Forgive me for hurting you. Forgive me for not being what you deserve."

"Heero…I… can't… You can't just show up out of nowhere and expect me to just… You left me alone Heero. You left me! I had nothing after the war was over, except you, and when you left… damn it Heero, I was alone! I was always alone… I thought when I met you… you'd save me from being alone… You have no idea what you put me through!"

The perfect soldier was now looking at him; face blank, and Duo felt himself grow angry all over again. Savagely, he stuck out one pale arm, exposing the wrist. Heero blinked and looked up at the braided boy again. There was a pale scar from one side of the wrist to the other, and a brief glance proved there to be a matching one on the other.

"Do you see?" Duo spoke, quiet but seething, "I did that only a month after you disappeared. When I knew that you weren't coming back. When I found out where you had gone. If it wouldn't have been for the sheer luck of Quatre visiting me, then I would be dead right now. Then what would you have done?"

Heero was silent.

"I'm sorry. I can't forgive you. Maybe, someday, if you think you still love me… things can go back to being the way the were."

"I….understand…"

Duo just stared down at his knees and knew the boy was gone when the door clicked shut. Finally looking up, he stared at the door a moment before his gaze trailed down to the coffee table in front of him… Heero's gun remained, both a reminder... and a promise.

~Owari~

…for now

I'm going to end it like this…. NOT LIKELY! Duh, this had a definite sequel coming up… *sighs* Whenever I get around to writing the damned thing.. *grins* Also, thanks to Nalan, who helped consult and advise me with this in it's ending and the idea for a sequel! *cheers* (Eventually... *cough*