A/N: Part of this is based off of true events, ones that go along with the song. It won't make sense, not unless you were there. But it is writing none the less.

Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS and the song is All that I'm living for by Evanescence.

Dedication: This is for Sarah (My Katana) who the memories are about, who preformed to this song. The only one who would get this in full.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.

There she was, looking at me with her bright green eyes as I made my way through a series of difficult Martial Arts moves. My hand twitched, my feet moving in an intricate dance. I looked away, finishing.

"You used your hands," she noted. "You never use your hands."

Her voice was shaking. She couldn't know, could she?

"I decided to try something new." I shrugged, toweling my sweat covered face and hair.

"You always use your feet." She's on the brink of tears.

"Like I said, I decided to try something new. I'm going to go hit the showers." I flip my hair, dropping the small towel to the floor as I sauntered away.


I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.

The sun set over the horizon, taking the last of the pinkish light with it. Night settle like a heavy blanket clouding my vision. I closed my eyes and gasped, clutching my head as a burning sensation made its way down my scalp.

"Damn it," I swore, whipping out of whoever's grasp. I pulled the stake out of my front pocket, turning around and bringing it towards their chest. It stopped suddenly as a kick cracked over my head.

"Slayer," the vampire growled.

"Slayee," I retorted, staking him through the heart. I dusted myself off.

"That felt good."

And I continued on.


Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.

His blood was sticky and warm.

Who am I?

My blood was cold and liquid.

Why am I?

Your blood was warm and cold, stains that never did wash.

Exist.

"Faith you have got to stop beating yourself up," You sighed, sitting beside me as I stared catatonically.

"I love you." My voice sounds distant. I snap my head towards you.

"Oh god B. I love you." The bed is forgotten as we hit the gray carpet. The white walls shine under my black light.

"I love you," I whisper and she whispers back.


All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.

I stumble, clutching the open wound in my stomach. I knock…I knock again…I knock a third time, and then I crumple.

"Faith," Her voice is soft. I look up at her, blood trickling from the corner of my mouth.

"Hey B." And I was out cold.


All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

I woke up, the room revealing itself hazily. I blinked a few times, my head swimming.

"B?" My voice is like gravel. "B?"

"Faith? You're awake?" She exclaims, jumping on my bed. I groan.

"Water."

She nods.

"Here." She lifts a spoon to my mouth, letting the water trickle down my throat.

"What happened?" I ask a moment later, leaning against the pillow that was not set up against the headboard.

"You almost died," She says sadly.

"How long have I been out?"

I fear the worst.

"A week… we thought we had lost you."

I merely smiled.


I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.

There are several vampires. I know I'm not going to get out of this unscathed. I fight as many as I can before my own stake is shoved into my stomach. I gasp for breath. I think they punctured a lung.

"Damn it," I swear and I hit the ground. The blood flow refuses to ebb.

"Slayer powers kicking in would be a good thing." I grimace as I pull the stake out of my stomach. A faint orange residue catches my eye.

I should ask Giles about that.

I get up, determined to make my way to B's, Giles can wait.


Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?

I fall asleep long after B has left. I know I won't last long. I know what it was, and why it was there. They were playing, toying with my emotions. I would lose.

I woke up, sunlight streaming through cream curtains. I get up pulling them open. The scent of blood fill's my nostrils. I gasp, pulling away from the window. I catch my breath and then I see it.

B didn't come home alive last night.

Oh my god.

B was dead.

I scream. But it is already too late.


Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.

It was a game. Cat and mouse. Playing around. You don't get it.

You didn't love her.