Broken Soldiers, Bearing Innocence
~FallingBreathless~
D Gray-Man Oneshot. Dark, Kanda angst, KANDAxALLEN (light). You have been warned.
In which Kanda sees flowers, wears nothing but sweatpants, and runs about the Black Order at an ungodly early time. In which Allen gets slammed into a wall, choked...and um, no more spoilers! *grins*
I got a lot of great feedback for my last DGM fanfic [The Curious Case of Kanda's Hair] and so it really motivated me to write another DGM fanfic! Ta-da! Anyways, this was written at about 1am-2am and so the vibe is completely different. Haha. It's true that you never know when inspiration hits and the plot bunnies find you! Nonetheless, please enjoy!
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Kanda was suffocating. The world was much too near, too close, and pressing in from all directions –binding his ribcage in a mesh of barbed wire.
He couldn't breathe.
The only thing he could see was the loathed flower. That damned lotus.
xXx
Again, he had woken up drenched in sweat. Running a hand through his tangled hair, he pulled the covers back and sat there in silence. It was four in the morning, and Kanda had nowhere to run to; he could not sleep and risk returning to the dream, he could not find distraction in the bare room. Getting out of bed, his hand instinctively grabbed the hilt of his sword and companion, Mugen. It was a thin blade embodying his innocence, it was what he used to kill akuma. It was his anchor to reality. Why he wanted reality, Kanda wasn't sure.
He glanced around the room that he'd been sleeping in for nights of several years and found no trace of himself. Seized by a sudden urge to flee, Kanda couldn't stay. He needed to be distracted –he was seeing lotuses again. Very soon, he would go mad.
Without even stopping to tie up his hair into its usual high ponytail, wearing nothing but sweatpants, Kanda ran out into the hall. It was empty, and the sound of his feet could be heard echoing off of the walls. He didn't know where he was going, but he ran on blindly. Down one way, then another, a turn and then another, his location was of little concern to him at the moment. Because no matter how fast his legs moved or which way he turned, the flowers would always be there, with him, like a graveyard of phantoms.
xXx
Kanda didn't know how long he ran that morning. Sweat had plastered his bangs to his forehead. Eventually though, he had to stop, and he staggered and leaned against a wall, panting and gasping for air. He slowly slid down and sat with bent knees. Still gripping Mugen tight, Kanda allowed himself a moment of weakness as he hid his face into the dark warmth his arms.
"Kanda? Are you okay?" An all too familiar voice asked from nearby.
"Shut up, Moyashi." Kanda whipped back, as he sprang to his feet.
He watched as the other took a step back. Of all the people that could have seen him in that state, it had to be Allen. He must have looked even more of a mess than he'd expected as he saw the other study his face; the red curse mark stretching as the other's eyes widened.
"It's Allen," the other replied without the usual note of irritation. "I've said it before."
Kanda crossed his arms and looked away. He didn't care what the other wanted to be called. He didn't want to see the other's concern. He didn't need pity, especially from someone like Allen. "Is there something you needed from me?" Allen asked.
"No."
For a second, the other looked abashed by the cold reply, and Kanda couldn't help but feel even more irritated.
"Oh, well, you're up unusually early and at this time; usually I am the only one awake at the Black Order."
Kanda realized where they were, one of the dojos meant for combat practice, and he also finally looked at the other. Allen had a white towel draped around his neck; he'd been exercising so early in the morning. Somehow that also pissed him off. He wanted to slice something up with Mugen, but the only thing in sight was Allen. He considered it but let the idea drop for the moment.
"Are you sure you don't need anything?" Allen asked again. "A moment ago you seemed not quite yourself. You looked like you had just seen someone die. I—"
Without even consciously deciding to do so, Kanda found himself choking Allen Walker. His right hand closing in on the other's neck, crushing the other's windpipe, slamming the other into the wall so hard that he felt the reverberations travel up his own arm.
Allen was stunned for a split second before he started trying to pry off the Kanda's hold on him. Above him, Kanda loomed, face frozen into some mask of disbelief and desolation. Allen was fearful. Just as Allen was about to activate his own innocence, Kanda spoke up. Suddenly, the hands moved away from his neck –leaving him engulfing air.
Rubbing his neck, Allen could still feel the heat from where Kanda's hands had been only seconds before.
xXx
"I. I apologize," Kanda hissed, dropping his hands to his sides. They felt as heavy as lead weights, and Kanda really believed that he was going crazy. "I don't know what happened. I was angry, and I lost control for a second. I shouldn't have done that."
"Do I really make you so angry to that you want to kill me?!" Allen demanded.
He knew that they never got along and that Kanda had a bad personality. He knew that Kanda didn't treat Finders as people and left behind those who would slow him down in battle. Allen knew that Kanda found him as an idealistic eyesore, but they were still allies…and at some point Allen had started regarding the other as a friend…
"Yes," Kanda yelled. "Every time I see you, I just want to wring your neck."
This shocked the both of them into silence.
Kanda did not know what had overcome him. Really the more he looked at the other's shell-shocked face, the more he wanted to inflict pain on the other.
More and more until he forgot his own.
"You're always playing the saint. You try your best to help others to the point of being a martyr. You just goddamn never stop trying," Kanda yelled. "Have you ever thought that I don't want your help?! Every time you look at me with compassion or some other facsimile of pity, I want to retch. Just disappear from my sight."
For a while Allen didn't respond. When he finally did, it was in a small voice, quiet, and heart-wrenchingly sad.
"I'm sorry. If you want, I can leave…I could even 'disappear.'"
Kanda's heart stuttered, and pure, undiluted rage coursed so strongly through his body that he was rendered immobile. He watched at the other turned to leave. Then, as if some switch was turned on, Kanda sprang into motion, grabbing Allen's shoulder and yanking the other back.
Allen let out a startled exclamation as he was tossed off balance, colliding into Kanda's chest. Before he could respond, he found himself pressed into the other, pulled into an embrace. Kanda was warm. Allen forcefully pushed away, placing some distance once again between them. He didn't understand.
Kanda wouldn't have any of that and he yanked the other by the arm and this time, locking his arms as if constructing a cage for a song bird.
"Don't." He breathed as the other struggled. "I didn't mean it."
xXx
When the other has stopped moving, Kanda continued. "Your adoptive father was killed by the Earl, you were cursed to see the tormented souls of akuma, and you have been left with General Cross' debts. Shouldn't you hate the world?! Why don't you want to fight, hit, destroy? Why are you so happy all the time like a complete idiot, wanting to help people who've never done anything for you even to the point of sacrificing yourself!? Why do you even bother with me?!"
"I died and was brought back to life by science, a weapon reused for destruction and war. I hate people and want nothing to do with anyone. I am going mad because all I can see are lotuses that no one else can. Why do you even want to help me?"
Stunned, Allen watched as Kanda gave a mirthless laugh. It was dry and seemed to be more of a cry for help.
"I see flowers, I see those damned flowers, I don't want to see them anymore!" The fabric of Kanda's sanity was fraying. "I am unhappy, and I bring unhappiness. I want the world to end and drop into infinite emptiness, death. Shut them up, shut them up..."
The strength had left the other's arms, and Allen, pushed them away, and he hesitated before looping his own arms around the other's neck. Then very gently, as if he were handling a fragile glass figure rather than a larger, studier man, Allen pressed his lips to Kanda's. They were dry, and the kiss wasn't romantic, but it was enough to snap Kanda's mind back to reality. The reality that he had been escaping from.
xXx
Kanda blushed, and across from him, he watched as Allen's face turn pink. He cupped the other's cheeks, and this time, it was Kanda kissing Allen. The kiss this time was hungry and urgent. Kanda slipped his tongue into the other's mouth and explored. It was warm and seemed to bring his own body to life.
He'd found his distraction.
They broke the kiss for air, and Kanda's eyes met Allen's. The other's gray eyes were bright and with the other's flushed face, looked feverish, and Kanda thought that maybe reality was not so bad.
"Kanda, we shouldn't be doing this." Allen spoke up. "Plus, you don't even like me. This is just you doing something temporary to-"
The words trailed away as Kanda's arms wrapped around Allen's waist.
"I don't like it when you think of disappearing and leaving me. You feel the same way right?" Kanda asked, drawing Allen near. He could smell the shampoo the other used.
"Well yes." Allen conceded. "If you were to leave, then I'd be left only with my own problems, and I would have to face them –the Earl, the 14th, the real Allen…"
"We both know each other's afflictions and weaknesses better than anyone else."
To this Allen nodded.
"I see tormented souls and you are haunted by visions of lotuses. You seek to hate while I vainly seek to find love. You want to destroy and I want to be destroyed. We make quite the pair don't we. "
"It's enough, isn't it?" Kanda asked. "The two of us, together."
"Broken soldiers, bearing innocence" Allen smiled wryly. He might have become a poet in a different time, a different person with a better life.
Kanda, him self, may have ended up as a doctor or a physician.
However, in this reality, they were nothing more than two young men beaten and broken by the death of their loved ones, by curses of seeing what others could not, by the war against the Earl. The Innocence that they bore like heavy crosses. All of this, in the dark and cruel world, had pushed these poor souls together. Linked by misery, seeking a temporary escape one in another.
"Yes, broken." Kanda agreed. "Hopelessly trying to find the missing pieces in each other."
It was another moment before the two of the turned to each other. There was a softness for the first time in the air between the two of them before they once again lost themselves in each other -breaking, escaping, if only momentarily, from reality.
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Thanks for reading! Leave a comment and let me know what you thought of the story! I love getting comments, and I squeal like a little girl when I do. *grins* It's like getting a birthday present.
I was a bit worried about writing Kanda and keeping him in character. Out of the boys, I find it hardest to write his mannerisms and personality. I am the most in sync with Allen, actually. I want to write another DGM fic but we'll just have to see...I also need to update my Hetalia story soon [The Smell of Vodka].
Snogs and hogs,
~FallingBreathless