Disclaimer: Sea Patrol and all of its characters belong to its creators Hal McElroy, Di McElroy and Sea Patrol Productions Pty Limited, Film Finance Corporation Australia Limited and The Pacific Film & Television Commission Pty Limited. I'm just borrowing a few of the characters for the purposes of this story.
I haven't decided whether to do another part to this or not so if anyone would like me to continue let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Home at last
The crew of the Hamersley had been celebrating their first night back in port in their usual bar. Lt. Commander Mike Flynn had tried to make sure that he didn't spend too much time with his XO but as the evening wore on he found himself drawn more and more towards her. It was getting late when he realised that they were the last two left, the others seemingly having drifted off while he was caught up in conversation with her. He knew that meant they should probably be going too, but at the same time didn't want to as it would mean going home to his lonely house. Then it occurred to him that it could present him with the perfect opportunity to ask her something that had been burning a hole in him for a while. As he was still on a low level of pain killers for his leg, he had driven to the bar and stuck to soft drinks all night. As they were the only two left and she had been drinking he didn't think it would be out of line for him to offer her a lift. So mentioning the absence of the others he suggested that maybe it was time they called it a night as well, following it up with his offer of a lift, trying to make it sound as if it was almost an after thought. She tried to protest that she would be fine as her house wasn't far but he insisted. She reluctantly accepted and followed him out of the bar wondering how she was going to cope being in such close proximity with him. On the ship she could mask her feelings under a veil of professionalism and even in the bar she could just about cope as there were still people there forcing her to remain on her guard but now it was just going to be the two of them with no one watching and no need to hide anything from the rest of the crew.
The drive back to her house was mostly silent as she forced herself to look out of the side window rather than at him, while he tried to pluck up the courage to say to her something he'd wanted to ever since he had returned to the Hammersley. In truth it had been bugging him ever since he woke up in hospital but keeping an eye on the mercenary had taken his mind off it slightly. He tried to tell himself that what the mercenary had done to Charge as well as her bothered him in equal measures and that was what fuelled him on but deep down he knew that while he was outraged about Charge's injuries, as he would be if any of his crew got hurt, his main drive and passion stemmed from the fact that she had been injured too, the fact that he might have lost her scaring him more than he liked to admit. The business with Ray Walsman and Samaru had allowed him to ignore it a little longer but now that, that was all sorted, he knew he couldn't hide anymore, he just had to know if she felt in anyway the same before he went mad. As he drew up in front of her house, she finally chanced looking at him to say good night and to thank him for the lift. He brushed off her thanks telling her it was no problem and as her hands reached for the door handle he knew it was now or never.
"You know I've got the weirdest memory from when I was unconscious after that business on Samaru. I don't know where I was, whether it was on the Hamersley or later but I was lying there out of it when suddenly I heard someone begging me not to die" he blurted out suddenly, causing her actions to freeze instantly.
Quickly turning her head away again so he didn't notice her reaction, she replied "well you know your mind can play tricks on you after something like that", hoping to put him off the scent.
"I guess" he replied "but I thought they said comma patients can still hear even if nothing else." Then realising he was going to need to be more forward if he was to get anywhere he decided to push it by stating "it was you wasn't it," feeling it was a reasonable assumption given how she had reacted.
"What makes you think that" she asked still not looking at him and trying to stall. He realised that this was his opening to say that maybe because he wanted it to be her or that there wasn't anyone else in his life that it could have been but he couldn't do it, he couldn't lay his heart on the line anymore than he had done without knowing he wasn't making a fool of himself, so instead he just shrugged his shoulders. As he did so he realised how stupid that was given that she still wasn't looking at him but she seemed to have noticed anyway as her shoulders appeared to sag in response. She realised that his lack of an answer could act as her out, all she had to do was pull the door handle, get out and walk away, but her mind was racing and she couldn't seem to co-ordinate that level of movement. It seemed as if 100's of questions where all fighting for priority in her haze addled brain, chief amongst them being 'did he want it to have been her', 'was he in his own way indicating that he wanted more' or 'did he want her to confirm it simply so he could set her straight once and for all that there could never be anything more between them that a purely professional relationship'. She knew from past experience that he found discussing such things difficult and that this meant he could be guarded to the point of being cryptic until he was sure that his feelings wouldn't be rejected. Then there was the problem that even if she worked him out 'what did she really want anyway'. Her head warred with her heart telling her that whatever the outcome she was risking everything she had worked so hard to build up but her heart told her she couldn't continue in this limbo anymore she had to know. As the silence lengthened she knew she had to make a decision, so deciding to try and test the water a little more she replied "maybe I was just worried about what would happen if a new captain took over the Hammersley, which shows a certain foresight given what happened with Lt. Commander Freeman" tacitly confirming it had been her but offering up a more humorous explanation that he could choose to accept in line with their usual level of banter should he so wish.
"Do you really expect me to buy that Kate" he asked softly and taking the initiative again he gently put his hand under her chin and turned her face towards him. As he did so she closed her eyes savouring his touch for a moment. When she opened them again she was staring directly into his expressive brown eyes, she thought she sensed a positive indication of his feelings for her in their depths but couldn't be sure it wasn't just wishful thinking, so taking a deep shuddering breath she managed to force out "are you sure you want to do this" she asked looking questioningly at him, her eyes practically begging him to offer her something more to go on or to just leave it.
But all she got was "Yes I am."
She sat there for a few more seconds, the same thoughts running through her head, her eyes playing them out in front of him like a picture show, he could tell her doubts were starting to gain the upper hand. At the same time she could feel a sense of annoyance start to build inside her at his inability yet again to express himself when it came to matters of the heart. Although she knew some of the reason behind it from their previous time together it was something she found difficult to reconcile with his skills as a CO in the Navy, give him a boat, and all that entailed and he could command and communicate effectively and effortlessly but when it came to his private life he was practically clueless. Damn him she thought how dare he expect me to go out on a limb again when he's not prepared to give me anything in return. This growing sense of rage cut through the fog that had settled over her when he had fired his first question at her enabling her to finally manage to find the strength to open the door. But as she did so he also seemed to come a bit more alive as he tried to catch hold of her shoulder to stop her. "Kate wait."
"I cant, I'm sorry, I cant do this" she gasped, wrenching the door open and herself out of his loose grip. He immediately followed her slamming the door and locking it with the remote as he ran after her. He saw her flinch ahead of him as she heard the door slam but he still managed to reach her just as she was putting her key in the door.
"Kate, wait, please" he begged placing his hand gently back on her sholder "maybe I figured it was you because there is no-one else in my life who would do that" he told her offering her an olive branch, a glance at his feelings in the hope that it might be enough to indicate which way he wanted this conversation to go still without actually saying it and in doing so to persuade her to open up to him some more.
She stopped what she was doing and paused before turning to look at him, the look of anguish on her face nearly breaking his heart "what are we doing Mike" she asked using his first name for the first time in along time.
He closed his hands around hers, squeezing them slightly hoping it would reassure her, "can we just go inside" he asked softly. He saw the look of anxiety run across her face, she knew if she agreed to this there would be no more running, if she let him in here she had no where else to go and she knew getting him to leave would be a lot harder but they couldn't go on like this, if they left all this tension hanging over them it could start to affect their work and then she stood the risk of losing everything anyway. So resignedly she just nodded mutely and turning back to the door she opened it and allowed him to follow her in.
They went into her lounge and she purposely took up a defensive position in a large arm chair on the far side of the room, drawing her knees up to her chest as if to protect herself. He took a seat on the end of the sofa farthest away from her, allowing her the space she was silently requesting by her posture.
They sat in silence for a few minutes as if still trying to guess what the other was thinking or hoping the awkwardness of the silence would force the other to say something first. Realising that neither of these strategies were going to work on him anytime soon she decided attack was the best form of defence, even if it could involve committing herself to one side of the line without a safety net so to speak.
"You wanted to talk, so talk" she said first sharply, hoping against hope that it would prompt him into saying something first. Fixing him with what she hoped was an intimidating stare she waited a few moments trying to gage his reaction but all she got in return was a pained glance. She could see he was struggling to respond but she couldn't make allowance for that now or nothing would change. So instead channelling the fury that was still blazing inside her she started "so what do you want from me Mike, you want me to tell you that seeing you lying there unconscious and seriously injured, knowing there was a chance you might not make it scared the crap out of me, well it did. You want me to tell you that no matter how hard I try to forget about you, about what we had, I can't. That I still have feelings for you that go way beyond those that are acceptable between a captain and his XO to the extent that they could get me court martialled, well you're right again" she told him, her voice rising in volume with every successive sentence. "That no-one else I've met since even comes close to you and because of that I subconsciously sabotage every relationship that I've had since we split up. I've tried to move on I really have but its just no good, I thought I could but I was just kidding myself so if that's a problem for you I can apply for a transfer….." she trailed off tears welling up in her eyes as she realised that in the heat of the moment she had said way more than she had meant to, exposing her heart and soul to him and not knowing what came next.
He moved towards her slightly, dying to just reach out and take her into his arms to sooth away all of her worries and doubts, his natural inclination being to show her that he felt the same but he knew that wasn't the right move at this point. He knew it wasn't really fair to expect her to pick up on the indications he tried to give in his body language or to draw assumptions from his actions, to put her through the torture of being the first to say it without knowing with any level of certainty if her feelings were returned, when all of those things were something he himself had never mastered. Past experiences having taught him to be wary and it was something he hadn't been able to shake, he couldn't put his heart on the line until he knew it wasn't going to be stamped on and rejected. Deep down he knew it wasn't something she would do or at least not as intentionally as some other people had. He clung to the hope that she had some idea but knew that in reality it was something which was hard to judge, as in this type of situation there was too much scope for interpretation and confusion. He realised that she needed to hear it in words not only actions, without this extra confirmation there was the risk that she could think he was just being nice and humouring her. He also realised on glancing over at her again that his thought process had almost left too long a pause, he could practically feel her attempting to begin mentally preparing herself for the rejection that she was becoming surer would be the outcome with each passing second of continued silence.
Rushing to try and put her at ease he ended up jumping in at the middle asking softly "why would I want you to do that Katie" the old endearment just slipping out. Despite the muddled start it appeared to have some effect. As the name he'd used seeped into her consciousness her head snapped up and she chanced a look across at him. As he looked back at her he thought he could sense a slight glimpse of hope shining through the other emotions playing out behind her eyes. Almost as if it was an automatic reaction the word "what" sprang from her lips."
Taking a deep breath he tried again to get back on track "I'm sorry you know I'm not very good at this, why would I want you to get a transfer, unless it was so that we could be together without having to hide. Being around you day in day out, the thought of seeing you is what keeps me going sometimes, but at the same time its so hard being able to look but not touch. I, I can't just be your CO not when I want so much more" he stuttered. "And knowing that if I hadn't been such an idiot all those years ago, I could still have everything I want and so much more, I just …. "he trailed off, dropping his head and running a hand through his hair nervously, not for the first time he wished he was better at expressing his feelings, this was one of the most important conversations he'd had in years and he was screwing it up as usual. But he also knew for better or worse he couldn't give up not now so he forcing himself to raise his head again and look at her he tried again, "what I mean is, I asked the question because I wanted it to be you and because I had to know if there was a chance that you might give me another chance, if you felt the same way I do. Everything you said, it reflects exactly how I feel, how I have been feeling since you came back into my life and before" he stumbled over his words again trying to clarify what he was trying to say. "I tried to persuade myself that it was for the best and I could just move on and for a while it almost worked but that first time you came aboard the Hammersley I knew I had just been fooling myself" he told her softly dropping his eyes to study his hands instead before continuing. "It tore me up seeing you with Jim, I tried to be happy for you but I just couldn't do it, it wasn't even that he wasn't a nice guy, I'm sure he was in some respects but he just instinctively bugged me. You're also the reason that things never really got off the ground with Ursula, again I tried to persuade myself that it was a good idea, but she wasn't you and in the end I just couldn't do it" he confessed. I'm not very good at expressing these things but I thought I had been pretty obvious on occasion, no matter how much I tried to hide it. So, despite being such a bright and intelligent young women you seem to have been quite dense on that." He finished looking back up at her, trying to inject a little humour into the conversation as he felt like it was threatening to stifle him. He might acknowledge that it was difficult to interpret body language and actions without any further confirmation but that didn't mean he couldn't tease her a little bit to try and lighten the mood, a significant part of their relationship always having been their ability to banter.
The only immediate reply he got was a slight snort from her but her face seemed to have brightened slightly so he took that mean that he had picked the right thing for a change. Looking up, he caught her eye resorting once again to trying to convey the intensity of his feeling to her thorough his eyes as his previous speech had taken just about all he had for the moment, hoping this time it could act as further confirmation rather than just causing confusion and uncertainty.
The look he was giving her was so intense it nearly took her breath away and it allowed her to hope as she hadn't done for years. His efforts caused her anger to begin to dissipate again and as it did so she began to rationalise his actions again. She could see how hard he was trying and she knew things hadn't always been easy for him, so she decided to meet him half way again. "Maybe you're right, Jim could certainly see it, or at least my side of it anyway, although he did overhear me talking to you when you were both seemingly unconscious in the wardroom."
Although it was him who had brought up the subject of her current boyfriend, he had done so in the abstract not really allowing himself to think what impact he could have on their conversation. But hearing her mention him forced him to do so and he knew that if they were to go any further he needed to acknowledge that so he asked tentatively "So where does that leave the two of you."
"We … er …. broke up, I saw him at the hospital and I was a little distracted as I just wanted to see you and I think he could sense that. He just said we had fun and went to walk away when I stopped him he just came out and told me he had heard me talking to you. I tried to play it down but it didn't work, he just brushed it off telling me not to worry he didn't get as caught up by the fraternisation rules as us navy guys do." She finished offering him a slight smile.
"Oh" was all he could find to say.
After a couple of moments of silence, she plucked up the courage to ask the deciding question "so where do we go from here."
He moved to the end of the sofa closest to her and reached out to take one of her hands in his, feeling no resistance he looked down at their joined hands for a second before looking up at her and replying "Well I hope I'm right in saying that the only thing that's ever been a problem is our positions in the Navy and I know that's still something we have to talk about, but for now I just want to pretend that there are no more barriers in our way, that the Australian Navy and its rules and regs aren't an issue and we're just two normal people who want to be together. So all I want to say is if you give me another chance I wont let it get it get in the way this time, somethings are more important" he responded, his gaze just as intense as it had been a few minutes ago.
She was quickly remembering the power he had over her as she lost herself once again in the smouldering depths of his eyes, leaving her with only the ability to nod her head in response, a soft smile gracing her face.
"You realise I'm going to have to come and kiss you now" he told her.
"I think I could just about handle that" she replied finally finding her voice again.
He got up from the sofa, keeping his hand in hers and pulling him up to join him. As he lowered his head to her, her arms quickly wrapped around him drawing him closer. As he softly touched his lips to hers it felt as if all the tension in his body was flowing out and he wondered again how he could have ever given this up. As the kiss intensified all rational thought left his head and he just gave himself up to the feeling being back where he belonged, in the arms of the women he loved with all his heart.