A/N: because kira manning is a lizard psychic genius who studies organic chem for light reading and i'm curious about what's going on in her head. title is a reference to the character of the same name from the book, matilda, of which i definitely did not write, do not own, and do not claim to own.
i. numbers
two-plus-two equals four, take away the two from the four and you get two, take away the four from the two and you get two minus, negative two was the right way to say it. mrs. s told her before she started kindergarten. two times two is four also. four times four is sixteen.
sixteen times sixteen is? her teacher asks with very wide eyes, lightly holding kira's wrist, like kira knows something she doesn't. which is very strange, because kira was six and her teacher was a lot older than that, and don't grown ups know a lot more than six year olds? she stares at her hands for a second. imagines the numbers splayed out on her palm, sixteen times sixteen. two-five-six. the numbers form like knife-spoon-fork. three things that work together to form something new. she says them and her teacher lets go of her wrist, like it burned her.
they ask her about more numbers. they bring in mrs. s and talk to her. (mommy was gone by then or they would have talked to mommy.) she's drawing when they talk to her, she draws mommy with man with the hat, mommy walking down the street. she smiles because mommy is okay. but she doesn't like the man. he makes mommy not okay. when mommy isn't okay, kira's tummy feels funny.
when they leave, mrs. grabs her hand and says don't multiply any more big numbers at school, love. you can do it all you want at home, and i'll teach you anything you want.
anything. anything is a small word but it has big meanings. anything is everything and everything crawls under kira's skin like spiders because she wants to know and understand everything.
why not? they said i was special.
you are special, love. a smile. specialspecialspecial. the word rattles around in kira's head. she writes it on her palm later, and she sees angels in her head. why does she see angels? she's special, what's that really?
and they might take advantage of that. ad-vant-age. another big word. she meant, they might hurt kira. kira can read between mrs. s's smile when she's not telling the whole truth. it makes her angry, that she's still so small that mrs. s thinks she can't know anything. not about mommy, who's hurting. not even about what uncle felix's job is, and that's silly.
oh.
a pause. they walk and walk.
can we go to the park?
ii. angel
she hears helena like one hears a heartbeat.
she doesn't know who it is, but there is someone at the door. someone mommy doesn't want to see. she sneaks downstairs. she's good at sneaking because she knows all the floorboards that don't creak. she's mapped them out in her head like she maps out big numbers.
the door creeps closer and closer and she hears beat beat beat, and her breath, very loud and she knows with everything inside her that mommy would want her to go away, far away. but she's curious. the heart beat sounds sad. like it's crying. like it's been crying ever since it started beating.
when she sees the blond hair she understands angels. helena is the flash of blond hair she sees sometimes, feels in the fabric of the world. the crying is still there and the woman smiles. like kira is an angel.
she can feel that helena has suffered. that word stops her in her tracks. suffering. she imagines suffocating. that was must be what suffering is, because she's never used the word herself.
what happened to you, helena?
i don't know.
she feels the heartbeat searching for hers and she hugs helena, because sometimes angels need hugs, especially angels that someone tried to make into a monster.
iii. bad feeling
do you ever have a bad feeling about something, mommy?
sure, monkey.
mommy says she does, but she she doesn't think mommy really does. does mommy feel all the hairs on her neck stand up, a great big chill, right before the bad thing happens? does she see people and instead sees the bad things they want to do written all across their face, in the way they walk, in their bones?
do they hear beat, beat beat and know someone is there?
she wants to ask, but. she doesn't know exactly what she's asking.
she wants to say tell me what you're not telling me and i can protect myself, but she might already know, at least the edges of the truth, and she might not be able to.
kira's still a kid, afterall. but she wishes she weren't. then maybe someone would tell her why she had to go to the birdhouse, why mommy has so many sisters, why mommy had to leave her with daddy, why why why.
(kira's a leopard, not a monkey.)
iv. powers
am i the real matilda, mrs. s?
from the movie?
the book too!
why do you say that?
because matilda can count big numbers in her head and reads grown up books.
(and wants to understand big things about the world that people say she can't, wants to understand everything.)
you might be. can you move things with your mind?
(a giggle) i might be able to! but i guess i'm not a lot like matilda. her mommy and a daddy were mean to her. but in the end, ms. honey became her family, her real family that protects her and loves her. and i've got you and mommy and uncle felix as a family. to protect me.
(they can't protect her forever, maybe they'll understand one day.)
yes love.
v. book
the book has funny writing on it.
she gets that this is the answer. she doesn't know the question, exactly. but she knows. she follows the big words with her finger and the loopy script on the side and feels this all-encompassing knowing and she giggles because professor duncan drew a funny picture next to one of them.
he's funny. he looks at her like those teachers did. with lots and lots of big eyes. she doesn't trust him but she knows he's important. his heartbeat is sad, like helena's, but frantic, like he's running out of time. but he gave her this book. this must mean he wants her to know everything. he might be the first person to realize she could figure it out.
she stares at the big words until they make sense. she stares at the drawings, the non-funny ones and remembers all about dna and chromosomes and cells. mrs. s taught her biology after school (and more big words that she can keep by her desk, and reads her books that aren't from the kid's section,) because she wanted to know more about them and she had wanted to ask her teacher to lend her the big book on the bookshelf with all the diagrams and tiny print, but mrs. s said they could hurt her. and mrs. s has lots of secrets. but mrs. s doesn't lie.
she connects the dots in her head, fork-spoon-knife, two-five-six, and oh. sarah. this is mommy's dna. this the map of mommy's genetic data. but aunt cosima's was the last page. and aunt cosima's was the same.
samesamesame
she remembers the story about a sheep. the sheep who was created out of another sheep. mrs. s printed the story for her, because you've been interested in biology, love, i thought you would like this.
clones.
mommy is a clone.
she drops the book, like it burned her.