DISCLAIMER: I don't own hp or the song.
Weight of the World
My alarm goes off and I sit bolt up right. I look at the clock. It's six in the morning. I stare at it, willing time to stop. I didn't want to wake up this morning. I had prayed last night to the gods to not let me wake up. I prayed that I could sleep eternally. It wasn't granted. I sigh and swing my legs out of bed. They touch the cold wooden floor.
The floorboards made a creaking sound as I shifted my weight to my feet and groggily went to the bathroom to shower and get ready.
xxx
Entering the Great Hall everything was going as normal. No one shouted a "Happy Birthday Hermione!" to me and I was satisfied. I didn't want to turn sixteen. I zoned out. I kept thinking over and over again how ridiculous I am. How stupid I am. For being so book smart I sure am street stupid. I think to myself. I feel the tears in my eyes build up but I won't let them go.
"Hey Hermione are you ok?" Harry asks kindly. Kindly? Yeah right. He's only my "friend" because I know Hogwarts, A History by heart and know practically every answer to any question the Professors throw at me.
"Yeah! I'm fine." I fake cheeriness. I think it's quite funny I can fool anyone. Especially my so-called best friends. They ask as if it were required and when I reply "yes I'm fine" they drop it there and don't try to go depth into it. But, I suppose that's my fault isn't it? I don't give them reason to "look into depth" about it. I suppose that's where I'm "torn". I want them to know I'm not ok but at the same time I don't feel it's their business.
I slap a fake smile on my face and begin my day. For most of the day I even forget it's my birthday. But the fact comes back full force when I lay eyes on my secret love. Ok it wasn't love but it wasn't a giggling school girl crush. I suppose I could call it "like". His intense, intimidating gray-eyed stare proved to me I was worthless. His shining flipped-to-the-side blond hair showed that I was silly. His handsome figure confirmed that I wasn't for him; that it was useless to dream up fantasies about the two of us. And you know what? I believe him.
I know that he and I could never be together. I would never feel his arms wrapped around me tightly, warding off all danger to me. Protecting me; being there for me when I was too stressed out from my life. I know it will never happen. My dreams are all I have. And how painstaking "saucy" and make-me-crumble they are. Sometimes, after I wake up, I can still feel his feather light touch or feel his possessive lips against mine. It tears me to pieces to have to relive those dreams.
I shiver. Stop thinking about them! then maybe they'll go away! I shout into my head. I eventually sigh and try to pay attention to Professor Snape ramble on about something I already know. I must have zoned out again because I feel someone nudge me and I snap back to attention. Snape is staring at me almost expectantly. The Slytherins are laughing, even him. I feel myself go red in the face.
"Can you repeat the question sir?" I ask as polite as possible.
"I'm sorry what was it that you said?" Snape sneers at me; mocking me almost. My cheeks burn even brighter.
"Um – uh," I clear my throat, "I asked if you could repeat the question for me." I say a little louder.
"Now why didn't you hear the question the first time?" Snape asks with a nasty smile on his greasy face.
"I wasn't paying attention." I mumble. All of the Slytherins cup their ear with one of their hands.
"I don't believe the other side of the classroom heard you." Snape smirks widely.
"Why don't you repeat what you mumbled?"
Oh gods above how I hate this man! Sadly I swallow my pride,
"I said 'I wasn't paying attention.'" I reply louder. The Slytherin side snickers.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for not paying attention and another twenty for wasting class time." Snape smirks as my fellow Gryffindors groan.
"You want it to be another twenty for groaning?" Snape asks evilly. The Gryffindors stay silent.
Suddenly the bell rings and everyone stands.
"Dismissed. Oh, Miss Granger, I expect a three foot essay on how important it is to pay attention and what I was talking about." Snape grins maliciously at me. I sigh and merely nod.
Trudging out of Potions, I catch up with Harry and Ron.
"Nice going Hermione, the Slytherins are in the lead now." Ron accuses me.
"Well excuse me! Who are the ones who sneak around the school at night! Who are the ones who go off gallivanting into dangerous situations!" I'm literally screaming at the top of my lungs. I just can't take it anymore. I'm sick of being the only one in trouble!
"Oh that's right! YOU TWO ARE!" I storm off enraged at my supposed two best friends. They're oblivious and stupid. I hate them sometimes.
xxx
My feet have carried me out to the frozen covered lake. I drop my bag into the snow and rummage around for my CD player. Pulling it out I jam my headset on and push play, fast forwarding through the songs. I stop on one of my favorite songs and a perfect song to play at the moment…
Love to be beside you, the way you smell
The way your lips feel and your fingernails.
The way your fingers crawl up my spine,
The way you always make me the last in line.
I shiver at the lead singers words… god I wish he were here…
I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won't stop to wonder.
Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone; I'm a ship going under.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out
And I can't resist and I can't rebound with the weight of the world as the world falls down.
I wish I could tell you. I wish I could tell you Draco, that without you, I'd feel lost. Even though I know you hate me that I know you despise me, I can't help but feel flustered when you're around. The passion in your eyes as they stare at me; it makes me crumble.
It's the way you thrill me, then pull away.
The way you seem to kill me a little more each day.
And it's what you're thinking in your twisted mind
The way your body trembles when it's next to mine.
When you will watch me some days and the next you won't spare me a glance I hate it. I hate it when you do that. I hate it that with one glance you can control me. I hate it that I can't stand not to see you everyday. I can't stand it that you can control me. I just CAN'T STAND IT!
I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won't stop to wonder.
Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone; I'm a ship going under.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out
And I can't resist and I can't rebound
with the weight of the world as the world falls down.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out
And I can't resist and I can't rebound
with the weight of the world as the world falls down.
(I feel the weight of the world as it's falling down)
(I feel the weight of the world as it's falling down)
(I feel the weight of the world as it's falling down)
(I feel the weight of the world as it's falling down)
Yes I feel the weight of the world. I can feel myself being crushed underneath the depression I have built up around me. It hurts… make it stop.
This pain I think about it everyday,
it tells me I'm never gonna get away.
I know it's over, but I can't escape
Memories, and how to face another day.
I press stop on the CD player. Is the song right? Will this pain never go away? Will I be able to live to the next day and the next and the next and the next? How much longer can I stand to be this way?
I sigh loudly and depressingly. Yanking the headphones off my head and stashing the electronic into my bag, I stand and brush off the snow from my uniform. Slinging my bag over my shoulder I make my way up to the castle.
xxx
After eating little of my dinner and excusing myself from it with a supposed stomach ache I head to my room. The prefects all have their own rooms this year in the same dorm. I climb the staircase slowly. I reach my door and push it open. Dropping it by the door I lunge at the bed. Burying my face into the soft covers I want to cry.
I'm pathetic. I'm now officially sixteen and haven't been kissed. Every time I see a couple kissing it stabs me in the heart. I have to look away. I just can't look at someone else's happiness. I feel as if it will never happen to me. I'm glad those people have found someone but it only makes me curse myself further. As I told you, I'm pathetic.
Tonight, as I normally do every night, I think bad thoughts. I think of hurting myself. I think of cutting myself. I think – no – I wish to never wake up in the morning. I wish to be gone. To die in my sleep and never have to come back to this horror movie I live in. I scoff at myself. I'm weak. I know I would never cut myself or commit suicide. I'm not strong enough to do such a thing. That's what makes me wretched, I'm too afraid to do anything.
I cross over to the window seat that overlooks the lake. Cloudy gray skies surround Hogwarts. A few drops have appeared on the window. They are soon followed by more and eventually it beings to down pour. I look out the window and watch the streaks of rain run down the window pane. I almost fondly trace the vein. I smile to myself weakly. The rain always made me feel better.
Rizahawkeye21
A/N: I don't think I did the song ("Weight of the World" by Saliva) justice. The oneshot didn't really come out as I wanted but I hope you like it. A lot of angst in this one, I know. I have switched the chapters around. (this one was going to be chapter 2 but I liked this one best) Anyway, please review.