In case you hadn't guessed, I don't own anything ...nothing at all ...nope...nothing ...well except for my ever so slightly warped brain.
Once upon a time there were five boys, two muggles and a werewolf.
"Welcome to the first ever live Animal hospital"
Harry cleared his throat.
The man opposite cleared his throat.
The large animal between them gave a pitiful whine and a baleful stare.
The camera man took a step backwards.
"So what's this fellow called?" the man asked nervously.
"Moony" Harry replied with certainty. Ron snickered.
"And why have you brought him here today?" the Australian asked.
"Well, Mr Harris, I really think it's about time that we had him neutered." Harry replied neutrally. "I mean, I'd say that it'll hurt me more than it'll hurt him to have it done but hell, I'm staying in one piece."
"We can't have him randomly humping the furniture" Ron squeaked, on the verge of hysterics.
"He's certainly a big dog" the man remarked "What breed is he?"
"Well." Harry replied with a leisurely smirk "I didn't get to meet his parents, we rescued him see." The wolf snarled.
"We call him a werewolf" Remarked Neville.
"Scares off the kids" Dean agreed.
"But we can't have him humping them," Seamus finished "Horny old mutt" he added fondly. If a wolf could look mortified…
"Well, it looks like he knows what you've got planned boys. He doesn't seem too keen to move. Are you going to be able to get him in there?" The five shared a grin.
"Five strapping lads, one cowardly dog, I shouldn't think that'll be a problem," Dean remarked, giving the animal a measuring stare.
"Could be worse, could be a giant." Ron muttered as he grabbed a leg and they hefted the animal into the air.
"Are you sure that won't hurt him" the startled presenter yelped
"Nah, tough old thing him" Harry replied "Extremely strong, but really quite friendly,"
"bit too friendly if you know what we mean" Dean agreed with a lecherous wink. Between the five of them the boys managed to carry the wolf into the vet's office and swing him up onto the table.
"So what are you going to need to do?" the presenter asked the vet in a feat of perseverance.
"Well first we're going to have to put him under a general anaesthetic, then we'll shave him…" the boys were stood in a line, nodding most seriously. That was when the door banged open and a rather angry teacher appeared at the door, followed by a furious school nurse. McGonagall stared, dumbstruck, at the upturned werewolf, its amber eyes staring at her with a look of pure hope. Tenuous self control gone the boys roared with laughter, hanging off of each others shoulders. The muggles looked thoroughly confused.
"You five" The teacher started, in a very odd tone of voice "had better think yourselves very lucky that Arabella Figg was watching this program." Pomfrey had the presence of mind to quietly lock the door, stun the muggles and drag Harry over to turn off the camera, which he did, through gales of laughter.
"Professor?" Neville asked with an innocent smile. "Is it possible for someone's Bogart to change? From say, oh I don't know, a full moon, to a vet."
"It might just change to the bright lights" Seamus offered. "Then you wouldn't really notice."
"Oh for heavens sakes Remus" Pomfrey snapped at the wolf, making the others halt their purely academic discussion "Get up, we don't want to see any more of you than we already have." The wolf howled mournfully. The boys were once again incoherent with laughter, but they all stopped short when they noticed tears streaking down their head of house's face as her shoulders shook with repressed mirth.
"Oh honestly" Pomfrey muttered. That only made the six Gryffindors laugh harder and Remus cover his head with his paws. "Minerva, control yourself" she scolded.
"They…they…vet" was all that the unflappable teacher could manage to utter before bursting out laughing "They almost managed it, on muggle television." She cried, well beyond hysteria.
"Oh for Merlin's sakes." The healer grumbled. "Potter, how did you get here?"
"Portkey" Harry replied, throwing her a lead and collar with little pink dog bones up it. "The collar'll get us back" he added.
"Hold onto it then all of you" she instructed, holding it out and grabbing the wolf by the scruff of the neck. They did, everyone including McGonagall leaning on each other for support. Harry muttered something that sounded too much like 'Tie me kangaroo down' for the nurse's liking and disappeared from the room, arriving in a heap in the middle of the great hall.
And that was how Professor Lupin took his first ever points from his old house, Professor McGonagall was first seen to laugh, Professor Snape was first seen to both smile, and give copious points to the house of his childhood nemeses, the world record for the loudest shout was broken by Molly Weasley and how Hermione Granger came to vow never to leave her two best friends unsupervised ever again.
The End.