Harry's thoughts.
…
He sat in Potions staring intently at the board.
Draught of truth.
Apparently the potion made the drinker painfully aware of their own deepest thoughts. They couldn't hide it from themselves, and it made Legilimency a lot easier. It wasn't as effective as Veritasium, but it was effective and it only took one class to make.
It was fourth year and Harry was worried. He got picked for the tournament and no one believed that he didn't put his name in. Not even Ron. Even Ron his friend since he was eleven doesn't believe him. Harry slumped in his seat.
Next instruction: Add crushed newt scales.
Harry gently dropped the scales into the potion and stirred it. Then he read the next instruction.
Warning, do not stir.
He gaped at it. Shit. His potion started to turn a putrid orange whereas all the other potions in the class were a pretty magenta. Harry's lab partner, Malfoy, stared at him with disdain and stepped away from the cauldron. Harry glanced in confusion, but when he looked back he could tell why Malfoy had moved away.
His cauldron was bubbling like crazy. Harry lifted a hand and said,
"Professor, my potion... I stirred it and-"
The cauldron exploded. Quite literally. Exploded.
A student screamed. The others ran away from it. Harry was hit full impact with the liquid. It was cool and slick, like oil, and he shivered involuntarily. It seeped into his skin quickly. He looked up helplessly and Snape stared, cold fury in his eyes. Malfoy stood off to the side sniggering.
Snape strolled up to him. Flicked his wand to remove most of the potion, but put some aside for some reason. Harry gulped. Snape glared. He said,
"Potter, it would seem you couldn't follow a simple instruction. Now, you have endangered not only yourself but the whole class. What do you have to say for yourself?"
It was an accident Harry thought. He said,
"Nothing."
Snape rolled his eyes,
"I don't care if it was an accident or not. This was extremely reckless. Twenty points from Griffindor. You'll need to go to Madame Pomphrey, we have no idea what that potion could have done."
He probably takes great pleasure out of this. Making me look bad. Too bad I'm already hated by almost everyone at the school. Harry thought. The class gasped. He said,
"Yes sir."
Snape's eyes flashed with confusion,
"I do not take great pleasure out of this. I am doing my job, you little twit. Five points for back talk."
Harry stared disbelieving. He can read my thoughts? That's got to be illegal. He could find out... about everything. Shit. What can I do? Harry started to panic as the class looked more and more confused. He said,
"Wait. Can everyone hear my thoughts?"
Snape's eyes widened in surprise. He said,
"It would seem so... Well... You'd best go to Madame Pomphrey. You'll need someone to escort you there."
Malfoy's hand shot up, just a moment before Hermione's, and he said,
"I'll do it sir. I'm sure this walk will be very informative."
Harry thought, and said out loud,
"Oh no. Malfoy's going to use this. Shit. What will he find out... And I'm probably speaking this aloud right now and everyone... Ohmygod. Even my thoughts aren't safe any more. And what if Skeeter finds out... She'll surely use this and then... Oh no. What will even think when they hear what I really think and... This is not going to end well... But I need to calm down. Clear your expression. They surely don't know this. This is just... a sick prank. And who knows, maybe if people finally understand what I'm thinking they might believe me when I tell the truth..."
Snape barked,
"Quit your rambling Potter. No one wants to hear that. Stop thinking so much. Malfoy escort Potter to the Hospital Wing."
Harry said,
"Yes sir."
And started to walk away from the curious group as they clearly did want to hear what he was thinking. Malfoy looked smug as he followed Harry out. Harry continued to talk,
"Just don't think. Don't think of things and he won't find out anything. Just stay calm. Think stupid things. Think random things."
Malfoy smirked.
"Okay. Just don't look at him. Just look where you're going. Where are you going? The Hospital Wing? Well you need a plan for that. The glamours aren't all in place, and you can't put them up while he's here. Fuck. He heard what you thought. Maybe he'll just think you were thinking about something else and not-"
"The glamours?"
Malfoy asked inquisitively.
"Don't think about the glamours. No one knows about the glamours. Just keep walking don't think about them. He can't find out anything if you don't-"
Malfoy glared,
"Why would you need glamours? Are you not really Harry Potter?"
Harry internally laughed. Malfoy looked at him strangely.
"Okay then. He can hear my internal laughter too. I wonder if he will be able to hear every sigh and snort of contempt. Every time I want to roll my eyes. Every time I want to hide and away and never- Don't think about it. Think about good things. Like rainbows and hippogriffs and how everyone hates you and- Stop it. You can control this just don't-"
Malfoy tilted his head to the side in that annoying way,
"You think everyone hates you?"
"Just don't say anything and oh great he can hear your thoughts so not saying anything really isn't an option. Just. Fuck. This is the last thing that I need right now. This fucking tournament and the Dursleys and this fucking crush. Get over it. And... Don't think about the crush because that would be the absolute worse thing that could happen right now... Well not the worst. How could I even think it was the worst after everything I've been through. Shit. I swear I don't normally think this much and oh god he's going to say I can imagine or something snidey and then I'm going to... Fuck."
Malfoy stared,
"Talk about the glamours."
Harry snorted,
"Oh great. A snort of contempt right there. Just what I need. And this, fine fellow, who just loves making my life more miserable than it already is, can hear my internal monologue. And he wants to know about my fucking glamours. Like the universe hasn't fucked with me enough already. Who knows, maybe today's my lucky day where it turns out they can't find a cure and I have to walk around like this and... When did I get so cynical? Oh I remember. Probably the third time I was... SHUT THE FUCK UP! You can't think any of that in front of anyone you piece of shit. And now I'm insulting myself... again... and giving Malfoy all the ammunition he needs to fucking wreck me... Hmm... Wreck me... No. Don't even fucking think about that how can I... Ugh... Just think happy thoughts."
Malfoy stared at Harry with intrigue,
"Wreck you?"
Harry scowled,
"He doesn't understand. And good riddance. Otherwise opening that can of worms would just add to this shit storm... NO... Stay calm. Breathe. Can I lie like this? I wonder. Mmm... Maybe I should think something that I just plain untrue. How about... I am... Fuck okay I can't lie. Can I ask questions? Well that was a stupid thing to ask. Breathe. Stop thinking. Would it be safe to... NO. Stop thinking. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10-"
Malfoy rolled his eyes,
"If you're just going to think numbers there isn't much point to this. How about you tell me about your deepest darkest secret? The one you must think about all the time?"
Harry stared,
"What could he be talking about? Him. The Dursleys. Voldemort. All of them are terrible but I suppose- Fucking hell I'd better not start thinking about... No no no no no no no no no. I can't think about it that would be stupid and everyone would know and no one can know and... Don't break down here. Don't you fucking do it. Just breathe. I'm almost at the Hospital Wing and... glamours. I need glamours. But he already knows about the glamours so..."
Harry pulled out his wand and cast a quick glamour to hide his scars. Malfoy looked at him but he looked the same and said,
"What did you hide?"
"My scars of course. Can't have Madame Pomphrey seeing those and asking questions and FUCKING SHIT I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE SCARS! Why am I even walking with him right now? Why didn't I just run to the Hospital Wing? Or better yet cover my mouth... Shit I can't cover my mouth. I've got to hand it to myself, when I fuck up I fuck up bad. Should have read the instructions all the way through. I'm such an idiot. Its no wonder everyone hates me and DO NOT THINK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. Control your thoughts just like your emotions and shit I keep thinking things an 6-"
"Scars?"
Harry steadied himself,
"7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16..."
Malfoy rolled his eyes,
"We're here anyway."
Harry broke away from his obsessive counting for a second to enter the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomphrey looked him once over and said, sighing,
"What is it?"
Harry looked dejected,
"I guess I get hurt so much even she hates me now. I should have just gone back to my room and locked myself up instead of trying to fix this problem and SHIT SHE CAN HEAR MY THOUGHTS AS WELL. Oh no. She'll ask the questions I usually lie in response to and breathe. No one can know. Just take a breath and..."
She quirked an eyebrow and looked at Malfoy. He said,
"He got doused in a potion that makes him say whatever he's thinking... He thinks a lot."
Pomphrey nodded and led Harry over to a Hospital bed all the while he was counting numbers in his head. She said,
"Mr. Malfoy, do you need to stay here?"
He nodded politely.
"I should go."
As he turned around he heard what Harry was thinking and stopped,
"I should be happy he's going. He is a prick... But I thought... No. I didn't think anything. I need to stop thinking things. I don't really want him to stay. But I do. But he can't. But it would be nice. He's your enemy. Is he? I'm pretty sure my enemy is Voldemort and my uncle but... I guess he's like a rival maybe. STOP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT MALFOY. I do that enough OH MY GOD!"
Malfoy turned around in a flash,
"You want me to stay?"
Harry's eyes widened in alarm. He said,
"No... He can't stay. Not like this. No way. No way. But... It would be STOP THINKING THEY WILL FIND OUT EVERYTHING."
Malfoy narrowed his eyes but left everything and Harry let out a breath. Madame Pomphrey tutted and said,
"There isn't anything I can do about this Mr. Potter. You need an antidote. I don't know how long that will take. I have seen a case like this before, if you don't get an antidote it takes about two months for the potion to work its way out of your system."
Harry nodded,
"She's so nice. She's always so nice... It makes everything so much worse that she's so nice and I'M THINKING AGAIN WHEN WILL I LEARN."
She smiled sadly at him and said,
"I think its best that you continue with your classes and day as normal. I can teach you some exercises to restrain your thoughts."
Harry nodded again and listened closely as she explained all she could about the affliction. She promised that Professor Snape would make an antidote quickly and that if he followed these exercises he would be able to control what he thought better. Harry nodded again, thanked her for her help, and made his way back to Griffindor Tower feeling slightly sad.
He thought the Pink Lady looked nice that day. She thanked him. Even she could hear his thoughts. Once she realised this she thanked him more, happy to know that he was being truly sincere. He gave her a small bow and walked inside, happy that maybe he could have one person that truly liked him.
Harry sat alone for many hours as people slowly returned to the tower. He thought quietly to himself and people looked at him strangely, he explained the potions accident and they nodded in understanding. He thought he would be okay, that maybe he could handle all the questions... then the fourth years returned and he was not so sure.
Hermione ran up to him and was the first to give him a hug. He leaned into her embrace and thought aloud,
"Oh good. Hermione is back. She's such a good friend. Maybe she won't ask questions and I can just think quiet thoughts."
She smiled at him. Ron glared and stormed up to the dorm and Harry frowned slightly before thinking aloud,
"I can understand why he hates me now. Although I suppose it doesn't matter. Most people hate me... And shit I said that out loud and I've got to control my thoughts better."
He slumped down in one of the common room chairs and said, not thought,
"I'd appreciate it if you all just ignored everything I say. Its mostly just what I'm thinking so... What I think is kind of a private thing and I don't want you using this potions accident as a way to gather information. Do you agree?"
There were a few murmurs of 'yes' and 'okay', but most people just looked at him with curiosity. Harry said,
"Its going to be a long night. And I can't go upstairs because Ron is there and- 10. Calm thoughts. Breathe."
Hermione sat next to him with a worried expression on her face, as did Neville, Pavrati, Seamus and Dean. Hermione began,
"So... Harry... In Potions you said there were a lot of secrets..."
Harry's eyes widened in alarm,
"Hermione! They're my secrets. No one can know them. And I'd hoped you'd leave me alone even though I still have to go to class and GOSH I WISH I COULD INSULT YOU BUT YOU'RE TOO GOOD OF A FUCKING PERSON AND I CAN'T LIE IN MY THOUGHTS. God. The universe hates me."
Most other Griffindors looked sympathetic and left but the few seated around him stayed. Hermione smiled sadly,
"Okay Harry. Its just we've been worried about you ever since you got picked for the tournament. You haven't been telling me anything and-"
Harry snorted,
"I never tell you anything anyway- SHIT I SAID THAT OUTLOUD. Please leave. I don't want to say any of this. I don't really mean it."
Hermione crossed her arms,
"Well you do mean it. Its what you normally think but don't tell us. Why don't you tell me anything?"
"Because I can't. Because- NONONONONONONONONONONOOOO I cannot talk about this. Now I can't even think about this. Just got to stop my thoughts from travelling around. What is my name? Harry Potter. How old am I? 14. Where am I? Griffindor Common Room. Who is here? I am. Neville. Seamus. Dean. Hermione. Why do I-"
Seamus interrupted,
"Did you put your name in the goblet?"
Harry glared,
"No. Not that anyone believes me. Whole school hates me but that's nothing new. Its just like second year when everyone thought I was the heir of Slytherin. Just because I speak to snakes doesn't make me a fucking dark lord. And WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THIS! I should go... I should just leave... But then again. Maybe the only way I can clear my name is if people know the actual truth. I just have to keep my mind off of... STOP THINKING LIKE THAT I JUST ARGH! No. They should respect I don't want to talk about this. But no one respects me. Ever. I can't think of one person... Maybe Malfoy. OHMYGODSTOPTHINKINGABOUTMALFOY."
With that Harry stood out of the chair and raced up to his dorm. As he stepped into the room the other dorm-mates stared at him. Harry ignored them all the while keeping up a line of thought along the lines of 'how could they have done that downstairs' 'I wish they would stop staring at me' and 'Fucking hell I need to stop thinking.'
As he went to bed and settled down he wondered,
"Will they be able to hear my nightmares? If they do I will not envy them..."
Then he went to sleep.
…
Harry awoke the next morning, having completely forgotten yesterday's events. He looked around the room thinking aloud,
"First one awake. I guess I'll go downstairs. What classes do I have today? Potions first. Divination. Charms. Not too many. I'd better get dressed and go down to the common room."
He wiped the sleep from his eyes thinking lazy thoughts of how he was tired, when he should go down to breakfast and what he should do before then. He quickly changed into his robes, carefully avoiding the new injuries thinking,
"I ought to check for signs of infection. Mm... Will anyone notice? Should I use a glamour today? No. I just will try to stay out of the spotlight."
Harry made it all the way down to the common room before he remembered that he was speaking his thoughts aloud. At first he panicked.
"SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT. THEY'RE GOING TO FIND OUT EVERYTHING AND THEY IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I'LL BE A FREAK AND THEN NO ONE WILL LIKE ME AND AM I REALLY SAYING THIS RIGHT NOW? OH MY FUCKING GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAH. AND NOW EVERYONE CAN FUCKING HEAR MY INNER TURMOIL AND I HAVE TO BE ANGRY AT HERMIONE AS WELL BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO USE THIS AGAINST ME YESTERDAY AND THERE IS NO ONE I CAN TRUST! OH AND THE SMALL MATTER OF FUCKING VOLDEMORT WHO WILL DEFINITELY FIND A WAY TO KILL ME WITH THIS AND... Breathe. 10. Everything will be okay. Just take a breath and sit down and think calm things."
Lets just say he was glad the common room was empty. Harry spent his half hour of time alone to work through his mind exercises. Ways that Madame Pomphrey showed him that could stop his thoughts. These consisted of counting, breathing and asking simple questions to answer in your mind. Such as 'Where am I?' 'What is my name?' How old am I?'. Stuff like that until the thought process had calmed.
Harry was extremely grateful and she eventually blushed with all his positive comments.
Soon the common room started to fill again. Hermione came down, sat next to Harry, and apologised,
"I'm so sorry about yesterday. Sometimes I get a bit nosy and don't know what I'm doing. Can you forgive me?"
Harry nodded all the while think/saying,
"Can I forgive her? I suppose she hasn't done this too much in the past and I know she doesn't know the truth about my home life... Surely she understands how difficult I find it to trust people. Doesn't she? Or does she choose not to notice? OH MY GOD I'M SAYING THIS OUT LOUD AGAIN!"
Hermione paled considerably,
"Harry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take away your trust or anything-"
He rushed to correct her,
"Its fine."
Then thought,
"But its not fine is it? How can they just treat me like dirt? Well everyone treats me like dirt but... I thought she was different. No. Calm down. This isn't her fault this is just your own stupid insecurities that no one knows about AND I'M SPEAKING OUT LOUD AGAIN! 10. But I wish I didn't have to count. That people just respected that these are my thoughts and FUCK NOT AGAIN CAN'T I FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE STAY FOCUSED ON SOMETHING! Who am I? Harry Potter. How old am I? 14. What- Fuck this. I can think what I want and they shouldn't listen its not my fault and NOT AGAIN!"
Harry suddenly stood up and ran from the common room leaving a frazzled Hermione, and several other eavesdropping Griffindors, in his wake. He brushed passed the Pink lady apologising in his mind and rushed out to the Astronomy Tower, unknown to him the blonde boy that followed.
As he reached the place he realised what a mistake he had made and mentally berated himself,
"Oh great, fucking me has taken me to the one place I definitely shouldn't visit when people can hear my thoughts. I know I should leave. I should go right now and run back to Griffindor and apologise for my thoughts when I don't mean it. I should be thinking other things. I shouldn't think the things I think. People shouldn't be able to hear the truth. That I'm a freak. An idiot. Not really the Boy-Who-Lived. I'm just a boy who killed his parents who everyone calls a hero. I fucking don't understand why they do that. Why they call me a hero. I am not a hero. I am worthless. I should have jumped off this tower the first time I went here. I should have jumped when I got here on the first day. When I realised that everyone thought I was special and THAT WAS AND IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A LIE! I AM NOT SPECIAL! I AM NOT EVEN GOOD. I'M A FREAK AND EVERYONE HATES ME AND I DESERVE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PUNCH. Do I? Do I really? YES I FUCKING DO! I DON'T DESERVE THEIR PRAISE AND I CERTAINLY DON'T DESERVE LOVE... But then why do I like him so much? Why do I want him to fuck me instead of punch me? Why do I want him to save me for a change? Of course he won't because he hates me and he's a Death Eater and nobody loves me and... I SHOULD JUST JUMP. I should just jump because no one will miss me and no one will care and I don't need a fucking Potter Stinks badge to see that. Its as clear as the nose on my face. Its as clear as the scars on my back. The bruises under my glamours. THE FUCKING LIES THEY KEEP TELLING ME. And fucking Dumbledore, manipulating me like he knows what's good for me. Like he knows that I will be safer where I'm starved and beaten and he does nothing about it. And I SHOULD JUST JUMP because no one will miss me... Well... Not the real me. They'll miss their saviour. Their fake friend. They'll miss their punching bag. They'll miss their enemy. They'll miss everything I'm supposed to be. AND IF I JUMP EVERYTHING GOES AWAY AND I CAN FINALLY BE FREE BUT I FUCKING WON'T because I'm a coward and a freak and I don't have the guts to save everyone from myself. Everyone is better off without me. Everyone. And I know its true. I know because I get told every summer and if it weren't true I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't be punched in the gut. I wouldn't be shoved down the stairs. And obviously Dumbledore believes it because he won't get me THE FUCK OUT OF THERE and I can't tell him the truth because I deserve it and he'll probably say I need to go back anyway. And this fucking tournament. No one cares enough about me to get me out of it. They probably could. They could just change the tasks or something. Hold a new one. But they had to put me in it because my life isn't fucked up enough. And how dare I even have the audacity to come up here and possibly end my life. Its not even my life is it. I don't even own it. I'm just an empty vessel walking around and HOW CAN I WANT HIM? I'm not gay. No. I'm not attracted to him because I don't deserve him and he hates me and... (sobs) I don't know why they don't just put me out of my misery. Why do they keep me alive at all any more? Why do they bother? I just... I should go to class but I can't when I'm thinking things like this. Maybe I will jump this time. Maybe I'll have the guts to jump this time."
Harry started to walk over to the ledge. Draco walked out of the shadows. He croaked,
"Don't."
Harry spun around,
"Fuck. He's here. Just what I need. He wants to kill me and I want to fuck him and SHITISAIDTHATOUTLOUDANDHEHEARDEVERYTHINGBEFOREAN-"
Draco raced over and said,
"You want... me?"
Harry shook his head but said,
"I want him so much. I want him to fuck me right here. To tell me he loves me. To kiss me. I want to show him my scars and have him not afraid and SHIT. STOP IT MALFOY!"
Draco's voice turned seductive,
"You want me? How do you want me Potter?"
Harry started spewing his thoughts before he had a chance to react,
"I want him to pull down by pants, bend me over the banister and fuck me. I want to feel him inside me. His cock up my ass. To fuck me so hard I can't sit for days and... I don't deserve him. He doesn't want me. He hates me. He's toying with me. This is some cruel joke. He's probably here to finish killing me and-"
Draco kissed him.
Harry melted into it. He let Draco do wonders to his mouth. Draco darted his tongue onto Harry's quivering lips and Harry opened up to him. Draco subdued him. He pushed Harry back against the Astronomy Tower wall. They kissed until there was no air between them. Harry started to frantically say,
"FUCK! Ohmygod. Draco kissed me and OHMYGOD. I might die right now because OH MY GOD! He kissed me and fuck I want him to do it again and more and-"
Draco kissed him again. He held Harry's arms above his head. Harry melted.