Disclaimer: The Social Network doesn't belong to me
Author's note: English is not my first language, but I tried my best!
This fic was inspired by the song "Trapped by love", by Manu Chao
Next chapter will be from Mark's POV
When you come I'm feeling better
Sky is blue you said forever
ooh ooh, I've been trapped by love
Then you go so change the weather
Sky is grey bit more than ever
ooh ooh
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love...
So my beer now taste so bitter
But i can't find anything sweeter
ooh ooh, I've been trapped by love
Then you come and I feel better
See my eyes they're full of water
then again you go so change the weather
Asking for the next together
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love...
When you come I'm feeling better
Sky is blue you said forever
ooh ooh, I've been trapped by love
Then you come and I feel better
See my eyes they're full of water
Then again you go so change the weather
Asking for the next together
Asking for the next together
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by love
I've been trapped by Love
Trapped by Love (Manu Chao)
Part I - Eduardo
Eduardo has always been fascinated by the weather. It doesn't take storms or hurricanes, though he can't deny that, as catastrophic as it is, he can't help being enchanted by the wildness of those. But even the most ordinary phenomenon, such as the sunrise (especially the few, precious minutes when the Earth has rotated just so that one can see both the mixed, bright colors of the early daylight and the remains of darkness), is enough to make him breathless for a few moments.
The weather means so much to him that all of his significant memories are attached to it. Everything in his life comes associated with either a bright sun, or snowy streets, rainy days, a cloudy sky and so on.
He knows it's silly, maybe even narcissistic, but he likes to pretend that the weather accompanies his state of mind. And sometimes, he imagines the weather being connected to the whole humanity's state of mind (and no, he's not referring to man's stupidity leading to global warming). And this is easier to believe.
Well, he is part of humanity. So there's a chance his small game has some truth to it.
Anyway.
The day he met Mark was one of those where indecision appears to be spread all over the skies and the air around them. For days there had been no sun, no rain. The clouds looked stuck in their places, covering everything, not having moved a bit. There was snow and the air was heavy, static.
Eduardo knew what this kind of weather meant. It meant that soon the winds of change would come. The winds of change always came, carrying all the indecision away, leaving them with either a cold sun or a raging storm.
He'd met Dustin first. Dustin's honesty and his easygoing way had drawn Eduardo close to him. Eduardo was the kind of person that is always trying to please people. He often wondered if his father played a role on this, but Eduardo refused to hold him responsible. His father came up several times during his therapy sessions, though.
On the other hand, Dustin was the kind of guy with whom Eduardo didn't need to set personal limits. Dustin's manners let him at ease, let him be. They were still getting to know each other, but far enough in their friendship for Dustin to feel comfortable asking Eduardo to study with him in his room.
"And you'll get to know my roommates, one is worse than the other", he'd added with a smirk that showed more fondness than anything.
Eduardo eagerly agreed. He'd been hoping for this kind of intimacy for some time now. He had made acquaintances during his freshman year, but not any friends. His relation with Dustin was flowing in a way that made Eduardo feel accepted for the first time in his life, and he looked forward to deepen their interaction. He looked forward to feel like he belonged somewhere.
It was the week of their exams. This fact made Eduardo sort of terrified, because he knew Dustin enough to know that there was going to be lots of talking before they actually got to study, if they ever did. Really, didn't people notice Dustin was a genius that didn't require much studying to achieve the grades he did?
Chris was the one to open the door for him He'd welcomed him with a smile that had indeed made Eduardo feel so.
Dustin, to Eduardo's surprise, actually had a book opened on his lap and looked entranced by the reading. Chris had to call him twice before he snapped out of it.
"Wardo! Thanks for coming. I've started because you know, have to catch up with two months of not reading a damn thing…"
Eduardo smiled and took a seat, reaching in his bag for his own things. Only when he had his notes spread all over his knees, he noticed there was someone else in the room.
The kid had his back turned to them. He was sitting on the floor with a laptop on his lap and was typing furiously. Eduardo could only see light, curly hair and a giant hoodie covering the kid's frame.
Dustin smirked when he noticed Eduardo was staring.
"Never mind him, he's like this with everyone", he casually informed Eduardo, before standing up and poking the kid on his back. The kid flinched, looking up at Dustin with a murderous glare.
"Hey Mark, don't be rude. This is Eduardo."
So the kid, Mark, turned to him, and Eduardo was suddenly fixed by icy blue eyes, that reminded him of those strange days where there's not even one cloud in the sky and yet it's so cold you can't help but reaching for sunny spots all the time.
"Hi", Eduardo said somewhat hesitant, and Mark's response was a small nod of his head. Dustin rolled his eyes and elbowed Mark, earning another glare, and soon everyone went back to their business.
At some point, Mark stood up, stretching himself and turning to them.
"We're out of Redbull. I'm going to get it", he announced
"And beer! We're almost out of it too", Dustin pointed and Mark nodded, turning to Eduardo
"Want some too?"
"Sure"
"Ok then", Mark said already heading to the door.
Only it was snowing outside, and he was wearing shorts. And flip flops. Ok, there were socks also, but flip flops in the snow!
"Wait! It's snowing"
"Yeah, we have windows", came the quick, sharp answer, and Eduardo was so startled he went speechless for a moment. But Mark was still looking at him, not a malicious look, more an amused one. That's when Eduardo found out Mark was a smartass.
"Well, you'll freeze in these clothes", he shrugged
At this, Dustin laughed
"Mark's a robot, he doesn't experience cold as we do"
Mark tried to glare but what came was actually a smirk
"Well, I'm always so cold", Eduardo added, "Must be the brazilian blood"
And he was caught by surprise when Mark threw his head back and laughed at this. Eduardo didn't know why, but he felt strangely proud for being the one to cause it. He instantly decided he had to do it again and again.
"Dustin told me you are from São Paulo"
"Yeah, no beaches. A shame"
"I don't really care for beaches", Mark shrugged, and Eduardo thought, I can see that, what with the kid being too pale for his own good. He didn't voice it, not knowing if Mark would be offended.
"But Wardo, you've been to Copacabana beach, right?", Dusting asked with dreamy eyes
Eduardo found himself engaged in a conversation about Rio with Dustin and Mark had waved at them to go grab the drinks. When he came back, he silently handed Eduardo a beer and sat back on the floor with his computer and a Redbull.
That night, Eduardo learned some things, aside from Economy: he learned Dustin was able to immerse himself deeply in his studies (even if he waited until the last minute to do it). He learned that whatever Mark was doing, his level of concentration was unique (really, when Eduardo had let a giant book fall on the floor, Mark had only flinched without looking away from the screen, while Dustin had jumped from his seat, looking at him with huge eyes). He learned that Mark consumed way too caffeine for his own well being. And he learned that Dustin could fall asleep at a decent hour even with a terrible exam the next day, as he found out when he heard snores beside him.
He and Mark seemed to realize what had happened at the same time. They looked at each other and Mark smirked,
"You can wake him. He still has to study, right?"
"No, no need to. He's finished for tomorrow. Plus, he was tired."
Eduardo smiled at Dustin, who had stretched himself all over the couch, and stood up to take the books from his lap and try to maneuver him so he was more comfortable. He felt Mark's eyes on him while he did that. When he was finished, Dustin had all of his limbs on the couch instead of hanging out of it. Then Eduardo moved to gather his own things.
"You can stay if you want. It's late."
When Eduardo turned to look at Mark, his eyes were already back to the screen.
"Thanks, but I guess I'll go", Eduardo threw his bag over his shoulder
"Ok, bye then"
"Good night!", he waved with a smile
Mark nodded and Eduardo left.
That night, the wind finally came to move things. It came with the kind of strength that made windows tremble, producing howling sounds that resembled wolfs crying somewhere. Eduardo loved every minute of it. It didn't scare him, the winds of change. He had been waiting for it.
After the weeks of exams passed, he started spending more and more time in Dustin's dorm. They played, drank, talked and made fun of each other. Dustin seemed happy to see Eduardo was getting along with his friends. Chris made it easy, being an attentive, kind person, not electric as Dustin, he was the thoughtful, calm one. And Mark's sharp tongue, as Eduardo came to realize, was directed to everyone. It was part of his nature. But it was also a sort of defensive mechanism, Eduardo believed.
Mark wasn't only sarcasm, though. Sometimes, he would put his barriers down and let himself have a good time with his friends, engaging in talks about either important or unimportant things (and really, even when he talked about nonsense his comments were smart), watching a movie without criticizing it all the time, competing over a game with the same intensity he did with coding. Eduardo particularly enjoyed it when Mark laughed (he became all dimples), looking completely relaxed and at ease.
The first time they went out, Eduardo made some more discoveries. He found out the when Dustin said "Let's go to a bar", he actually meant "Let's pick up girls". Eduardo also learned that Chris silent agreement meant "Let's pick boys". When he first saw Mark rolling his eyes but accompanying them anyway, he was confused. Then he watched Mark gulping his beer while making a terrible face, and really, he had never seen Mark drink so much, he usually preferred sugary drinks. He looked miserable. Then, Eduardo realized Mark hated the noise and hated the crowd.
He was probably here for the same reason as Eduardo: to hang out with his friends.
Now that was news. He would never have guessed Mark went out of his way for anyone. Later, he would get used to just asking Mark if he wanted to leave, while Chris and Dustin got lucky somewhere else.
For now, though, Eduardo sat there, watching Dustin's obvious attempts at flirting and Chris's more discrete ones. Mark rolled his eyes all the time, made bitter comments about the awful music and only became able to interact with anyone after his third beer.
In the end, Chris was successful, Dustin came back to them with puppy eyes and the three of them left with Mark between them and having to be practically carried.
Thinking about it now, it was all sort of hilarious.
Then, on a Friday night, when Eduardo was getting ready to bed (really early, he was exhausted), a frowning Mark holding a laptop to his chest showed up on his door.
"Can I stay here for tonight? Chris and Dustin are having a party at our room and I have a project to finish", he quickly asked
"Sure", Eduardo said, gesturing for Mark to come in.
"But a party? I recall they mentioned five or six people"
"Yeah, loud music, loud voices. A party.", Mark said, sounding truly annoyed. Eduardo pressed his lips, suppressing a laugh, and offered his desk for Mark, who thanked him before placing his computer on it and sitting to get started with whatever it was he was doing.
For the first time, it was only Mark and him. Eduardo still didn't feel completely at ease, but he was going to give it a try.
"So, homework on a Friday night?"
Mark, or rather, Mark's back, shrugged at him.
"It's not homework. It's my own project"
"No shit! What is it?"
It took almost a minute for Mark to speak again. When he did, he abruptly stopped typing, as if he'd only realized someone had asked him something, and turned to Eduardo,
"Oh, it's not a big deal, just a game app"
"Wow…", Eduardo said truly impressed, but Mark's attention was back to his coding.
Eduardo had this uncontrollable habit when it came to friendship. He always experienced a terrible urge to please a possible friend, and before he accomplished that, he couldn't be convinced the person liked him. Actually, even after the accomplishment, his insecurities remained, so that his fixation with pleasing was endless.
But right now, at twenty years old, he wasn't completely aware this was an issue.
And Mark wasn't letting Eduardo properly please him.
What was wrong? Was he being boring? Had Mark come exclusively to work?
For a moment, Eduardo imagined maybe they were friends, that Mark as completely ok with just being there in comfortable silence, not needing Eduardo to do anything in particular.
Now, that thought was pretty unrealistic to Eduardo's mind.
So, despite of being tired, he sat on the couch watching the weather channel while Mark worked, completely oblivious of his surroundings. Just in case.
Eduardo woke up a couple of hours later with the sound of a closing door. He blinked a few times before his vision focused on Mark, who was standing with a couple of cans on his hand.
"Sorry I woke you, I went to grab Redbull."
"No problem", Eduardo said through a yawn.
"You should go to bed."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I won't be finished any time soon", Mark informed him, already back to the desk and sipping his drink.
"You shouldn't be stuffing yourself with caffeine at this hour", Eduardo commented, but Mark was already wired in and didn't hear him. He went to his room.
Eduardo woke up in the middle of the Saturday morning and the first thing he did, as was his habit, was opening the curtains to take a look at the weather outside. The sky was a pale blue and people were wearing thick coats. He usually went to see his parents on weekends, but they were traveling and Eduardo looked forward to having some time for himself. He decided to start the day with a long walk through the campus.
When he stepped out of his room, there was Mark sleeping on the coach. Eduardo had not anticipated he would sleep over. He'd curled himself into a tight ball, because it was freezing and there were no covers. Eduardo ran to his room, grabbed a thick cover and threw it over Mark.
While taking his shower, Eduardo decided he'd leave Mark a note with his number, in case he wanted to join him in his walk.
He was halfway through breakfast when his phone ringed. Apparently, Mark had not slept in, as Eduardo imagined. He met Eduardo at the cafeteria and they ate in silence, as Mark blinked the sleepiness out of his eyes.
Eduardo told him to call Chris and Dustin, but they were off to see their families. Mark shoved his hands into his pockets, Eduardo didn't comment anything about his clothes this time, and they stepped outside.
At first, Eduardo felt the familiar urge to just say something bothering him, and it was enhanced by Mark's usual quietness. Maybe he'd had a nice rest, or maybe the fresh air was exactly what he needed, but soon he found himself enjoying the sight of snowy trees, and the nice rhythm of their walk, that kept them warm. He even found he enjoyed sharing all this in silence.
At some point they had started talking. He'd asked Mark about his project and watched as passion instantly took over Mark's eyes as he explained what he was working on. This way, Eduardo learned that Mark had once refused to sell Microsoft an mp3 app he had developed, simply because he thought it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't the kind of thing he wished to be recognized for. So, Mark was still waiting for the big idea, the one that would demand hell from him, his masterpiece.
Eduardo was certainly impressed by what he learned. But what truly impacted him wasn't what Mark had accomplished. It was more of how he accomplished it. It was his love for what he did.
It was strange to Eduardo.
It's not that he didn't like Economy. He did, and most of all, he was really good with what he did.
But really, he didn't go to bed thinking about it. He didn't breathe Economy. It didn't inspire him.
He enjoyed the classes; he even had some brilliant ideas when he was writing an essay. Maybe he wasn't putting all of himself into it…
His face had probably let his wonderings show, because Mark was asking him what was wrong.
"Nothing wrong! It's just… I think it's awesome that you found your gift."
Mark had watched him in silence for a moment, before asking,
"Why did you choose Economy?"
Eduardo managed to produce an answer that involved the world's future, the fun of calculating and his father. Mark had narrowed his eyes and shrugged in a way that made Eduardo feel bad, as if he'd said something wrong.
Then Mark looked up at him with a blank face and said,
"These reasons suck"
Eduardo laughed so hard his stomach hurt. Mark also smiled, though it didn't look like he truly found it funny.
Eduardo thought Mark was absolutely right, which wasn't a big surprise, because at that time, he had the tendency to see Mark as the owner of the truth. It took him years (including a lawsuit) to think differently.
Somehow, during their talk, they had gotten to college related subjects, discussing which extra activities they considered interesting and which they believed that sucked. From there, they had reached the final clubs topic.
When Mark revealed his wish of becoming a part of one of those clubs, Eduardo got the feeling he was being let into something very personal, very fragile. Maybe it came from the way Mark had avoided eye contact when he said it, the way his tone would have sounded casual if Eduardo wasn't paying close attention.
During his freshman year, Eduardo had wanted the same thing. He dreamed of the day he would get punched, and then he would finally meet people, belong to a group and feel special, somehow.
Wasn't that the reason why anyone would like to join these clubs?
In his second year, though, he'd met Dustin, and Chris, and Mark. And now that Eduardo thought of it, the idea of final clubs had ceased to be a fixation of his.
Now, he would never in a lifetime have guessed that Mark of all people would want this.
He thought things like you never act like you need anyone's approval, and, you're brilliant, you don't need them.
He would never have voiced any of this, though, for Eduardo had this virtue of sensing when something was delicate territory to someone, and you had to be extra careful with what you said.
Instead, he confessed,
"I think your chances are big"
And Mark had turned to him, scrutinizing his face, probably for traces of mockery.
After a while, he let out a small smile.
As the months went by, Eduardo spent as much time in the three boy's dorm as he did in his own. Sleeping over (or rather, not sleeping) became a regular thing, when they had a WII marathon, watched a trilogy or just studied for tests until it was late (or early) enough that Eduardo just dozed off on the couch. Sometimes, the four of them would end spreading themselves over the floor and that's where they woke up next morning.
One night, Eduardo and Chris were playing chess and Dustin was watching them, trying very hard not to intrude again with you should do/have done this or that, and Mark was in his room. Eduardo asked if he was working on something, to which Chris had shrugged, stating that Mark usually locked himself when he coded.
Mark's door was slightly ajar, though.
Once the chess play was over, Eduardo leaned over Mark's door, risking a glance inside. Mark was indeed working, not noticing Eduardo's presence. Eduardo let a small smile appear on his face, before turning to leave.
"Come in, if you want."
Eduardo came in and tried to find out what Mark was working on. Soon, he saw Mark had not called him to talk. But something about Mark's tone, something about his body language, told Eduardo he wasn't being dismissed.
So he made himself comfortable on Mark's bed with a book. They went the whole night like this.
It became routine.
It was something they slowly came to share; this companionable silence where each could mind their own stuff, knowing the other was there.
It's not that he didn't have it with the others. It was just that, with Mark, for some reason, it had developed further. Maybe it was a consequence of Mark's way of interacting with people, the way he wasn't of many words when it came to personal issues, the way he'd act as if he didn't need anything from anyone. The way he sometimes immersed himself so deeply into his creations that he seemed completely lost to the real world. So, Eduardo felt the need to just be there.
So, Eduardo would try to put his needs for reassurance aside and appreciate the moments, and it made him experience a nice, warm feeling. And when the morning came and Mark stretched his arms and called him to see his work (knowing Eduardo wouldn't understand a bit, but would carefully listen), asked about his reading, or just threw himself on his bed not caring Eduardo was on it, Eduardo knew Mark appreciated it too.
They were under the first rays of sunlight when Eduardo realized he was looking at Mark in a different way.
They had gone out, because the end of the semester was getting closer and Dustin decided they should start celebrating, even if there were still their final exams left. A single weekend wouldn't hurt anyway, as they still had at least a month until then. They had not even planned anything much different than the usual (a loud place where one can't hear his own thoughts, let alone someone else), except Dustin had decided that it was time for Mark to get laid.
Eduardo was thankful for not being the object of Dustin's plan, having no idea how this could end well. Especially since the actual object was Mark. Dustin didn't pick up (too much) on Eduardo about it, though, because Eduardo did his flirts now and then, and occasionally, when he got lucky, he'd leave with an apologetic look at Mark, who would stare at him with a raised eyebrow, as if he had no clue as to why Eduardo was sorry for. It's not like he was going to be left alone, because really, what were the chances of the three of them getting someone in a single night? All right, it happened sometimes, but even so, this was how things worked, right?
But Mark never hooked up with anyone. Eduardo knew that when the three of them left, Mark either ended engaged in a talk with someone ('but no one ever keeps up with me', he'd bitch the next day, and they knew it was because a drunk Mark thought at the speed of light), or he just left, looking relieved.
As much as Dustin claimed Mark was asexual, though, Eduardo knew better. He'd seen Mark staring at people during entire nights. His looks were furtive, but Eduardo was paying attention, as usual. So, he'd caught Mark staring at girls. Once or twice, Eduardo didn't know if he was imagining things, but he'd seen Mark staring at boys. It's not like he was more discrete when it came to boys; Eduardo knew it was just himself finding it hard to believe. Maybe he liked the idea. Maybe he didn't want to be deceived. But those were subconscious thoughts.
Back to the day they went out. Dustin had a friend which in his words was 'a small freak, like you, Mark'. During the whole time during which Dustin talked about it, Mark wasn't even listening. He nodded now and then, which was his whole attitude when he was doing something and didn't wish to be bothered. But on the day before, he'd turned to Dustin and, matter of factly, informed,
"Forget it"
"But man, I've been settling this for weeks now, talking about you, doing my best to skip the part where you're an ass! The girl is ready for you!"
"The girl is not a bath that can be prepared for someone, Dustin", Chris had stated, because he was all about human rights, and Dustin had glared, meaning, you're not helping!
Then he'd sent a pleading look at Mark.
"She's your friend. What if she ends hating me, and then you?"
Dustin stared at him openmouthed and even Chris looked a little taken back, before he asked,
"Why would she hate you?"
"Most girls usually do", Mark had shrugged, going back to typing, but he wasn't successful in faking casual. There was a bitterness to his tone that made Eduardo instantly intervene,
"This is not true, Mark. You rarely even try meeting someone."
Mark rolled his eyes,
"Exactly. They hate me without me even trying"
From there, through Dustin's claiming that this girl would like him, Chris advices of not mocking her and Eduardo's encouragement that he would never be successful without trying, they had managed to convince him.
As much as Mark tried to act as if this wasn't a big deal, the way he'd gulped three beers as soon as he was there had denounced him. Eduardo felt protective; he didn't like watching Mark being insecure, even if he knew it was a good sign. It could make him learn something.
For once, Chris and Dustin were stuck to their seats instead of dancing their asses off or flirting somewhere, simply because the sight of Mark completely getting along with the girl was enough entertainment. Even Eduardo admitted it was sort of an unexpected view. Mark's face wasn't revealing any sarcasm, nor were his eyes wondering through the place as if he'd rather be anywhere else. Instead, his attention was placed on the girl as she talked and he was…
Smiling?
There it was, dimples and all and oh God, the girl looked delighted, but then again, who wouldn't.
Mark rarely smiled. That's why he'd thought that, Eduardo told himself.
And suddenly, Mark was helping her to her feet and pulling her towards the dancing floor.
Dustin stood up on instinct. Chris pulled him back.
The first dance was ok. It wasn't the slow kind, so they didn't have to be pressed against each other and all. During the second one, also a fast rhythm, Mark had left to get him and the girl yet another drink. The girl had refused it and Mark had drunk both.
When a slower music started, Mark had reached for the girl, encircling her waist. From the bright look in her eyes, she was enjoying it.
Until he started to lose balance.
The three of them noticed it the first time it happened, even if Mark had made it look like he'd moved his arms to the girl's shoulders because he wanted and not because he needed to regain balance. The second time, though, he stepped on her foot. He apologized, felt dizzy, grabbed her arm for support and stepped on her foot again. He looked as if he could throw up at any minute.
Before she had time to react, Eduardo was there, arms firmly around Mark's waist.
"I'm sorry for him. I'll take him outside for fresh air, if you'll excuse us."
As they walked out of the bar, Mark giggled, leaning his weight on Eduardo, who was making sure he didn't fall while wondering what he was going to do with a foolish Mark.
"Wardo! What are you doing? Where are you taking me? I was almost…"
He stopped suddenly, going terribly pale, leaning down with hands on his knees. Eduardo thought he was going to throw up, but that didn't happen. A pale hand weakly grabbed his arm and Eduardo looked around for a place where he could sit with Mark until he recovered. He spotted a bus station and decided it would have to do.
Judging from the diminished darkness of the sky, it was probably four in the morning, not much later, and God, it was freezing outside. As soon as he sat down, Mark leaned his head on Eduardo's shoulder, and Eduardo kept an arm around his shoulders for support. He could feel Mark shivering and sweating from all that alcohol, and when a gelid breeze swept through them, he tightened his arm around Mark.
Eduardo couldn't tell how much time they stayed like this, waiting. Through his palm on Mark's back, Eduardo could feel Mark's breathing becoming softer, no longer troubled as before.
The strong feeling growing in his chest was ignored. Eduardo was worried about Mark now.
When Mark finally lifted his head, there was a slight brightness to the sky. Eduardo studied his face. It was still pale, but it didn't look as if Mark could faint anymore.
"Why did you do it?", he quietly asked
Mark shrugged.
"So that's why you don't mix vodka with beer"
"Mark, you were doing well!"
"Nope. The alcohol was doing the job"
"She liked you!"
"Yeah, because she had pre-conceived ideas of me!"
"What?"
"This whole situation is ridiculous, all right? When people meet with the exclusive purpose of getting together, it can't result in anything but fakeness! They are supposed to make the other like them and it's so artificial it's disgusting!"
Mark bowed his head and thankfully couldn't see the shock in Eduardo's face. Of course Mark wouldn't just accept the social awkwardness (Eduardo agreed) of a settled date. He softened his voice to speak.
"You might have a point. But this is human behavior, Mark. People try to get other people to like them. Even if it starts with some faking, no one can fake forever. Besides, there are exceptions. How can you tell for sure she was faking?"
"She was all friendly within the first few minutes. She didn't even know me and already she was telling me about her life, asking about mine"
"Maybe she felt comfortable acting like this. Maybe it's her nature that's different from yours"
Mark nodded slightly with his head still bowed. Eduardo knew it was the alcohol making him docile; otherwise they would never be having this talk, let alone with Mark easily agreeing with him.
Then something occurred to him.
"Well, I was instantly friendly with you!"
Mark rolled his eyes.
"You weren't trying to get into my pants"
Eduardo chuckled,
"Mark! That was not the girl's purpose, ok? She met you because Dustin told her you two could fit together! And that… That wasn't your purpose, either"
Mark looked up at him, his face unreadable. After a while, though, his features softened. As if he had just acknowledged that Eduardo could see right through him and didn't wish to fight it.
And suddenly, Eduardo found he was being drawn by the way Mark looked at him with such openness, to the point that…
He wanted more of it. He just wanted to go deeper into Mark, so that whenever he looked into his eyes, the barriers would be down, because Mark would know there was no reason to hide away. He wanted Mark to open up to him in ways he had never done to anyone else, and wanted to do the same for Mark.
What startled him for real was the realization that he'd been suppressing this need for a long time.
And now, now that he was hit by this powerful awareness, it was very hard not to be awfully conscious of Mark's presence, the heat of his body pressed to Eduardo's, the contour of his lips, the liquid blue of his eyes, and Eduardo found himself intoxicated by it,
And fuck, what was he going to make of this?
The sickness had probably threatened to come up again, because Mark leaned his head back on Eduardo's shoulder. Eduardo swallowed and put a reassuring hand on Mark's back. On the horizon, they could see the mix of orange and pink that announced the sunrise.
"You should go back there and try without the alcohol", he said after a while
"She probably left by now", Mark mumbled against his shoulder
"I doubt it", he almost whispered. He didn't know if Mark had heard him. But when he felt a little better, he stood up and they went back the bar.
Things didn't go any further with this girl. A month later, however, Mark tried talking to another girl in a party, without too much alcohol this time. That's how he started dating Erica.
What made it easy to hide it was the fact that Eduardo was a caring person by nature. Besides, he tried his best not to act differently, because the last thing he wanted to was to grow distant from Mark.
Of course the small physical contacts that were a regular thing between them, like when Eduardo put his arm around Mark's shoulder, or when Mark would mess his hair just to tease him, became harder to Eduardo. But he didn't want this to stop. He didn't want to lose anything he had built with Mark.
The truth, however, was that Eduardo was fucking terrified of his feelings.
For the first time, he found out that being in love (because there was no excusing it) with someone meant directing some of the most selfish, greedy parts of the human being towards this person. And Mark was, first of all, his friend. He didn't want to intoxicate their friendship with his neediness.
For instance; he really, really had no wish of being jealous. But fuck if he wasn't. He was so horribly jealous of Erica that he didn't know how he got away without being noticed. At least not by Mark; Chris and Dustin were another story. They knew it, but not because Eduardo had done anything about his jealousy; he'd never do that. They had just noticed the way he talked about Mark, the name leaving his lips a little too frequently, and with undeniable adoration. Or maybe it was the way sadness took over his features after he said it, even if his smiled remained in place.
Dustin had confronted him one day, after Eduardo gave up going out when Mark had texted them saying he wasn't coming because he was going out with Erica. Eduardo planned on going back to his dorm to catch up with his studies and being miserable by himself, but Dustin cornered him.
"Are you sure you are not coming, Wardo?", he asked with an arm thrown around his shoulder. Eduardo gave him a questioning look.
Dustin gave him the same look back. Eduardo lowered his gaze.
"I… I'd rather be alone now."
"Come on, man. Talk to me. I know something's going on"
Eduardo ended telling him, because he knew Dustin wasn't the kind of person that would be disgusted. Plus, he really, really needed to get it out of his chest. It turned out Dustin was surprised, but according to him, Chris suspected it. Both were incredibly supportive and Eduardo was filled with gratitude.
The funny thing was, Erica had brought them even closer. First, because during their relationship, the one Mark looked for when he had screwed up was Eduardo. And then, after they broke up, Eduardo was the one to pick up the pieces.
With Erica, Mark had indeed screwed up to the point that it ended costing him someone he cared for. Eduardo couldn't tell if he had loved her. Mark had certainly been in love, which is another story.
But at least, he could have learned something. He could have learned that when you mistreat people, they may leave you.
He had not learned a thing, Eduardo knew better than anyone.
Anyway, Mark had been too self-absorbed to notice that Erica was fed up with him. Really, Eduardo lost count of how many times Mark had complained about another fight with her because he had done something like spending all night coding during what was supposed to be a date.
"She asked me to come over, but said she had no plans. I figured it would be ok to do some work and ended losing track of time. Is that so bad?", he'd said with some exasperation, and Eduardo was forced to explain something that should have been obvious, like, when you forget that your date is with you, she won't be pleased, to which Mark had replied some absurd like you never get mad at me because I spent all night coding, and Eduardo nearly choked, before he managed through his teeth, I'm not your date, only to have Mark not sounding convinced, so that Eduardo had rolled his eyes and added, even so, if you asked me to come over only to ignore me, I'd be mad, but that's not what happens, I just stay because I want to.
Mark had widened his eyes for an instant, before narrowing them, studying Eduardo, who felt disturbingly naked under that gaze. Then he'd shrugged,
"So, you empathize with her"
And yes, Eduardo did. He was surprised with himself.
Besides, since this conversation, Mark had started acting weird, like, when Eduardo was in his room, he would stop coding out of nowhere, stand up, get beer, hand one to Eduardo and drink with him in silence, before shooting him one last glance and returning to his laptop. So perhaps he'd learned something, after all.
Anyway, all the worries about his feelings getting in the way of his friendship with Mark had vanished the minute he put his eyes on him after the breakup. Because any chances that Eduardo would be happy about it were completely outweighed by the fact that he hated seeing Mark like this. It didn't matter that he was suffering for someone else; Eduardo couldn't stand it. He had ran to his side the instant he found out, had managed not to do something stupid when Mark had let out I need you (ok, maybe giving him the algorithms had been stupid) and had taken him to bed after he'd had enough of blogging, beer and Facesmash, before he drunk himself into a coma.
A few days later, Mark had shocked Eduardo by willingly sharing with him the fight that had leaded to the breakup. By the time Mark was finished, Eduardo was horrified. From what he had gathered, Mark did have a slight notion that he had overreacted to say the least, even if his ego was also hurt. Whatever he felt for Erica, his pride was getting in the way.
It was weird; time went by without Mark doing anything to change it, except for approaching her and not saying he was sorry, which was even weirder.
At first, the idea of Facebook had looked to Eduardo as a distraction, just as Facesmash, before he realized what it meant to Mark.
It was exactly what he was looking for. If it did a thing to boost his ego too, well, it was a side-effect. A side-effect that put Mark under the illusion that he could do whatever he wanted to.
Like kicking Eduardo out as if he was garbage.
Back to the beginnings of Facebook. When Eduardo thought of Mark choosing him to share his masterpiece, when he thought Mark trusted him to make it work, he was instantly filled by a big wave of joy.
That's why it had hurt so impossibly much when Mark had stopped trusting him.
If Eduardo already saw Mark as single minded, he knew nothing. He could only watch in awe as Mark spent literally a day typing without as much as blinking, the electricity not leaving him for a second. He'd only leave his spot at the desk to collapse on the nearest place, be it bed or coach.
As soon as he was finished, Mark would run to Eduardo to show his progress. If Eduardo wasn't around or in Mark's dorm, he would text him: where are you? You have to see this. As if Eduardo wasn't allowed to leave or something.
Sometimes, Mark had worked until the morning came but was still electric, pieces of coding flowing through his mind, so he'd wake Eduardo to talk to him, and Eduardo would speak in a smooth voice, but he'd mostly listen, until Mark was too exhausted to even think and would finally sleep. And maybe he could blame it on Mark's sleepiness, but there was something strange in the way Mark looked at him, his eyes sort of dreamy, and so intently fixed on him. Eduardo probably blushed all the time, and if Mark didn't notice, it was because he was really tired.
It wasn't uncommon for Mark to suffer from awful headaches after he had overdone it with coding. There was this time when he had thrown himself in the bed and was so still he could be sleeping, only his lips were tightly pressed, and when Eduardo saw him he went to his side, asking what was wrong, and Mark had mumbled headache. Without thinking, Eduardo reached out and pressed his palm to Mark's forehead, in a soothing gesture, but when he went to remove it, Mark said in a pained voice, leave it. Eduardo frowned, but Mark opened his eyes and explained, your hand is so cool, and so Eduardo sat by his side, keeping his hand there, holding his breath. After a while, he tried stroking Mark's forehead with his thumb, very softly and Mark sighed. Eduardo swallowed, feeling his throat dry, and kept stroking, and after a while he asked, is it better? Mark nodded, a little, would you get me pills? Eduardo stood up, very aware of Mark's eyes on him, and came back with the meds and a glass of water. Mark nodded his thanks, took the pills and placed the glass on the bedside table, before shooting Eduardo a quick look and mumbling a goodnight then, Wardo.
Ok, Eduardo was confused. If that had not been an awkward moment, he didn't know what it was.
But Mark had been acting awkward. Eduardo didn't know if they were growing closer or apart. One would still wait for the other in front of his dorm; they still picked each other at classes, so that most of their free time they were together. Since Mark's workaholic nature was getting worse each day, Eduardo wasn't always around when Mark decided it was time for a code binge. He still had a social life, mostly with Chris and Dustin, and the three of them tried going out several times in hope that Mark would follow, which obviously never happened. And then, when Eduardo finally stopped by to check on Mark, Mark would stop and give him this funny look, something that sounded to him like finally, huh?
Plus, there was the fact that Mark only took a break when Eduardo asked him to. Well, not always, but still, if Eduardo insisted enough, or if Mark had had enough of skipping meals and hours of sleep, there would be a break. Chris was the one to point that Eduardo was the only one capable of dragging Mark away from his goddamn laptop, and Eduardo felt a blush instantly making his face hot, Dustin had laughed his ass off and Mark just sulked. I'm just more persuasive, Eduardo had stated, and he really believed it, but Chris had looked at him as if he were dumb while Dustin argued there was no one more persuasive than himself (he's insufferable, Mark had agreed), that Mark loved Eduardo more. Mark had turned and left and Eduardo saw that Chris noticed his foolish smile and cursed something in Portuguese before going after Mark.
It was the truth, nonetheless. Eduardo would put his hand on Mark's shoulder, feeling how tense it was after god knew how many hours in that position, and he would softly ask, Mark, come eat something, and it would take a few moments for Mark to answer, but Eduardo waited, his hands massaging the rigid muscles of Mark's shoulders, smiling as Mark went boneless under him, saving his work and turning to him with, what's there to eat?
At the same time, though, Mark looked… distant. When they were talking, Mark's eyes were on him but Eduardo just knew he wasn't listening, he looked as if he was daydreaming, which was weird because Mark didn't daydream, he was the king of concentration. But he hardly listened, and all he talked about was thefacebook, and he was becoming less and less available.
Then their disagreements started.
But you see, Eduardo was only giving his best. He wanted to impress Mark. That's why he had insisted so much with his methods, even if Mark had wanted things to work in a totally different way, the opposite, actually. He'd acted stubbornly, he knew, but only because he wanted to prove something. He wanted to prove he was needed.
And if constantly arguing with Mark wasn't distressing enough, there was still Sean to make it all worse.
Why the hell was Mark so fascinated by him?
Oh, but Eduardo knew why. Because Sean had no care for rules, because he had no care for anything or anyone whatsoever. And, surprise: Mark admired that.
There's one thing that must be very clear: Eduardo never denied that Sean had been crucial to Facebook. He had stated it loud and clear during the depositions, all right, so that no one would think he was blinded by jealously or something like that.
But he and Mark were fighting all the time, and Eduardo couldn't bear to see Mark on Sean's side (even if Sean had been right about some things), and he was mostly hurt that Mark couldn't see that Sean hated him, that Sean wanted him out from the beginning.
By the time Mark went to California, things were fairly shaken between them. Still, he had asked Eduardo to come, and there was expectation in his voice, and when Eduardo refused to, Mark's tone had switched to something dry and his face gone blank as he said, it's your choice.
It was ridiculous; Mark's attitude was ridiculous and that it actually made Eduardo angry was even worse. Mark was just mad because Eduardo wasn't doing what he wanted. That's how he was. If Eduardo sometimes believed otherwise, it was on his own account, it was his own stupidity.
Now that Eduardo had cleared his mind, he saw it wasn't like this. It wasn't personal, Mark was just concerned with his company.
Mark didn't care enough to make it personal.
The night Eduardo came to Palo Alto, he knew it would be raining, because he had checked the weather. He didn't mind bringing an umbrella, as it was just water. He actually liked it. Maybe it had something to do with him being a Pisces.
Mark had asked him to come at least for a weekend. When he didn't pick Eduardo at the airport, Eduardo didn't really mind. He had expected Mark to be kind of lost to reality. What he didn't expect was for Mark to be so cruel.
Christy seemed to be the only thing he recalled Eduardo mentioning, and there was venom in his voice and his gaze was piercing when he asked about her, and what the hell? And then, I need you and you're gonna get left behind, everything in only one sentence, and it was as if he was talking of two completely different things, and Eduardo wanted to shake him, wanted to yell, you don't act like you need me, but he managed to get a hold of himself. Because he couldn't mix things up. This wasn't about his feelings, or Mark's lack of them, for all that mattered.
But ok, he got emotional anyway and froze the damn account.
And he got emotional again when he heard I need my CFO, and he would have done anything.
What the fuck had Mark needed him for, he still doesn't know. He certainly didn't need his CFO.
So, Eduardo went back to Mark for the last time.
As Mark talked to him about the million member party, he was smiling at him, and his eyes were fixed on Eduardo in that way, as if Eduardo was the best dream in the world. Eduardo gulped his beer. He couldn't predict his own actions if Mark kept looking at him like this. Nonetheless, that same night, the four of them went out, to celebrate the investment. Next day, Eduardo and Chris were going back to Harvard and Mark and Dustin were staying.
It was their last time together.
They had toasted to Facebook, and they had fun and laughed the whole night, and Mark was so excited he couldn't hide his foolish smiles, though he kept shooting this nervous looks at Eduardo all the time, which was quite unsettling. Dustin insisted on filling their cups again and again, and at some point Eduardo and Chris started to refuse it, while Mark and Dustin kept on, and it was undeniable fact that, as always, Eduardo would have to carry Mark back and Chris would be forced to drag Dustin back, because Dustin, apparently, didn't possess an alcohol limit at which he just collapsed as anyone else.
They came back to the rent house in Palo Alto, Chris's arms around Dustin and Eduardo's around Mark, who by the way was fairly steady for someone who had drunk the amount he did; he was only a little dizzy and switching words. Eduardo took him to his room, making sure he reached his bed before going to get him a glass of water. When he came back with it, Mark was studying him with large eyes, and startled Eduardo by grabbing his wrist when he was handed the glass.
"Wardo, do you really have to go?"
Eduardo sighed and sat by his side on the bed.
"Yeah, I do, Mark. We've already talked about it"
Mark rolled his eyes, but with his flushed cheeks, the effect wasn't the same at all.
"And I still don't see why you think this is a good idea"
He was still holding Eduardo's wrist.
"Mark… I want to finish my studies"
"No you don't. I've never even seen you enjoy college", Mark stated with infuriating authority.
Mark was right. At this point, Eduardo didn't even know what he wanted. But he had to graduate. His father had invested so much on his studies, and though Eduardo wasn't fool enough to think that Harvard would teach him more than being a CFO of a company would, he still couldn't make himself stay.
Eduardo was horribly confused. He didn't want to work as an economist. But he had come so far. And he shared a company with Mark now. Mark, who seemed to know more about him than Eduardo himself.
It made him furious.
Mark was pretty much pleading him to stay. But all Eduardo could hear was you're going to get left behind. Because until now, he had only screwed up as a CFO.
He had been so naïve to think he would do any better without being there. But that was the plan. It had never crossed his mind to go away and abandon Facebook, even if he had done it, unconsciously.
Mark's fingers went from holding his wrist to his palm, intertwining their fingers. Eduardo held his breath and looked up at Mark, whose eyes were blurry when he whispered,
"Wardo, stay", with surprising softness, making Eduardo smile, because what else could he do? Mark is drunk, he reminded himself.
As if to challenge it, Mark let out with extreme lucidity,
"I'm serious, you'll regret leaving. This isn't the kind of opportunity that keeps coming, Eduardo."
Eduardo's smile faded.
You sound like my father, he thought.
But he wasn't going to argue now, much less with drunk Mark.
He was letting go of Mark's hand, but Mark tightened his hold. Eduardo gave him a confused look. Mark was staring at him with lips pressed in a tight line, exasperation written on his face.
Eduardo sighed.
"Mark", he started, squeezing Mark's hand, still wrapped around his own, "We'll work this out, ok? We'll find a way. I'm not leaving."
Mark shrugged. Eduardo could tell he was biting the urge to argue with something like yeah, right. Mark's grip on his hand loosened and Eduardo resisted the urge to drag him close and assure Mark that he would be there.
Instead, he patted Mark on the shoulder, and if Mark leaned slightly into the touch, then Eduardo was imagining things.
Next day, Eduardo went back to Harvard under Mark's blank face and with a heavy feeling weighing him down.
The next three months were distressing. Eduardo tried to keep himself informed of Facebook, but Mark would be evasive about it, and they argued a couple of times. Eduardo knew it wasn't going to be easy, and that during times such as week of exams at Harvard, he just couldn't worry about whatever was going on with the company. However, if Mark wasn't making things even more difficult, he didn't know what it was. He just wouldn't fill Eduardo in properly.
Mark was being sort of dismissive when Eduardo called. But then again, it could be for a thousand reasons. First of all, he was Mark. It could also be that Facebook was demanding all of his energy.
Or, Eduardo was being left behind.
Eduardo told himself that things were probably ok, given all the progress Facebook was making. What could possibly go wrong in three months?
When he went back to Palo Alto, Facebook was far from his mind. His only true concern was for Mark. What was going on between them? Had Mark found out about his feelings? Had Eduardo been too obvious with his jealously of Sean? Was this why Mark wasn't acting normal?
When Eduardo found out exactly why, he went completely nuts. He had yelled at Mark about shares, Phoenix and the chicken. He had defended his part on the company with all his strength, the way he had only done once in his life: that night he came to Palo Alto to find Sean Parker doing his job.
Truth was, he felt pathetic, fighting for a company that he knew wasn't his anymore. Still, he spit at Mark's face that he would be back, that he would sue him, when he actually wanted to scream, so it's true that you never gave a shit about me?
And since he had already made the threat and his father wouldn't leave him alone if he didn't, he ended actually suing Mark.
Back at Harvard, Chris came to him. At Eduardo's cold stare, he had calmly explained,
"I had no idea, Eduardo. I mean, I knew there were new investors, and I did inquire Mark about it. He was evasive, though. So, the dilution shocked me as well"
Eduardo sighed in relief. He had not noticed how much he had hoped for this. Chris gave him a small smile. It made Harvard a thousand times easier.
One day, Chris asked him if he was really suing Mark. Not in an accusative way, though. When Eduardo confirmed, Chris hesitated before carefully asking,
"Don't you think it would be good trying to talk, first?"
"What? Now I'm the one who doesn't want to talk?", he snapped, and instantly regretted talking to Chris like that. He looked down in shame, but Chris put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
"I didn't mean it that way. I just think there are better ways to deal with things, that's all"
Like, you should grow up, Saverin, he was probably thinking. It didn't matter, though. There was no way Eduardo was being the one to look for Mark this time, no matter how childish it looked. Plus, why wasn't Mark coming to him? He shared his conflict with Chris.
"Mark's being an ass, everyone knows it. I'm not even going to come up with something like he's clueless when it comes to human interaction. He went beyond that, he's too blind with selfishness. But he's not ok, Eduardo. He's just… I thought you should know it"
But it wasn't a matter of pride. It was a matter of finding out exactly what he meant to Mark. And the absolute silence was his answer.
Of course, his masochistic side had just loved the lawsuit. Because it had been pure torture. It had been all about Mark either avoiding him or just facing him shamelessly.
He had listened carefully to everything Eduardo said, in a way he had never done before. Because he has to, if he wants to win this, Eduardo told himself. But that didn't explain the bruises under Mark's eyes. It didn't explain the look of fucking betrayal he gave Eduardo pretty much every day.
He had narrowed his eyes when Eduardo suggested Mark had only come to him for the money, and his face had gone completely blank after that.
That day, Mark followed Eduardo out of the building. He had tried to leave him behind and since he had longer legs it was working, but when he reached the corner of the street the traffic light was red, he had to stop and Mark grabbed his elbow. Eduardo knew it was him, so he turned, pulling his arm out of Mark's hold and snapped,
"What?"
Standing in front him, Mark looked actually mad.
"That was dirty. It wasn't for the money, you know it"
Eduardo felt like he could throw up.
How could he have convinced himself of… of that?
It only took Mark giving him one look for Eduardo to realize he was awfully mistaken.
He swallowed a lump in his throat.
"It wasn't on purpose. I…
He caught himself before he did something like apologizing. God, how did Mark manage to be right even when he had screwed everything up?
"Don't worry. I'll take it back before the lawyers.", he said with disdain.
Mark looked so disgusted Eduardo thought he would spit on him.
"I couldn't care less what they think"
He turned on his heels and left, leaving Eduardo with the feeling of a second breakup. If Mark had any wish of reconciliation, he would have tried something now, right? Not only he didn't do it, he also threw all the responsibility to Eduardo.
It's been three years.
And Eduardo is totally ready to admit he had indeed made bad, no, terrible decisions for his company. But it doesn't matter, because the depositions are over and no one cares anymore.
Still, all the pain and humiliation he felt that day at Facebook's office are fresh in his chest. Surely it's not like the first months anymore, when Eduardo felt as if he was living in a nightmare and he had to drag himself out of bed day by day and act as if he wasn't slowly being swallowed by sorrow.
It's different now. The worse is left behind. No hard feelings. Eduardo doesn't hate Mark anymore.
He just can't stand to think of him. So he doesn't. Except sometimes he does, either because he can't stop himself, or because something (anything) reminds him of Mark. And when it happens, he hopes.
And that's what prevents the wound from turning into a scar.