Series started mainly to conquer whenever I have writers block, a random word will be given to be and I have to write a oneshot on it (technically in 5 mins but most will exceed this) also will be used when I want to write but don't know where to go with my other stories. All will be based on a word or phrase though.
They will also be unbeta'd as they will be very write them down, bang them through the spellcheck on here and then post them. Very spur of the moment write and post ones, so, sorry for any mistakes, all our mine. I just don't think these will be the kind of fics I want to think about and alter to make them better, very ... from inside me and whatever comes out comes out ones.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, fortunately Allison Croggon is writing them, not me.
Warning: Most of these will be MaeCad fics, some will just be general and some will be other pairings, but most will be MaeCad.
Cadvan glanced up at the sky above his head and groaned inwardly. For once he was upset that the weather was perfect. He knew that he should be disappointed that it was bright and clear as then it was harder to hide their trail, but he couldn't help the small part of his brain which groaned as he knew that then he had no excuse to stop, when they stopped he had the chance to talk to Maerad. To set up camp with her in some secluded irihel or cave.
There he could pretend that what he was feeling wasn't there or (more commonly) he could pretend that it was allowed. He could pretend that they weren't being persued by the dark, that they weren't a journey where the outcome would affect the rest of the world as they knew it, where there was a possibility she might die.
He no longer cared, as he had before, for his own life. His own life meant nothing to him if she was not in it, whether as a friend or student, though he longed for more, he wished for it with every fibre of his being. He wanted to love her properly, to make love to her, to declare his love for her, but most of all to have her return it.
He pulled back slightly on Darsor's reigns to slow him down, they weren't stopping but he could still talk to her, he could still be her teacher if nothing else.
Maerad was pulled out of her reverie as she became aware of Cadvan pulling Darsor up next to Imi and begin to ride next to her and not in front of her and she couldn't help the bolt of lightning that ran up her leg and directly to her heart as he caught it with his as he moved Darsor closer to Imi so that they could talk more easily.
Maerad glanced at him thoughtfully as she waited for him to speak. He had been even more closed off than usual recently, but more open at the same time. He was riding back to join her more and more as they travelled and starting more and more conversations with her. His blanket was inching slowly closer to hers each night, and she desperately wanted this to be a sign that he cared for her as she cared for him.
Cadvan couldn't speak for a moment, he had been too distracted by her leg catching his as he pulled closer together and the tingle this had sent up his entire body. He hadn't been as pre-occupied because of a woman since ... well, he had never been so pre-occupied and speechless because of a woman, even Nerilli had not affected him this much.
He dare not even glance at her for fear he would betray his feelings for her. He couldn't risk that, Maerad was a true friend and he trusted her completely, and he didn't want to scare her, he could only guess at how bad Gilman's cot had been for her and he knew more of her fear of men than he had ever let on to her. When he had scried her he knew that someone had tried to rape her, and he knew that others had tried, he just hoped that none had succeeded.
He finally felt prepared enough to speak to her and surprised himself with what he said.
"Isn't the weather lovely today, Maerad?" He shook his head slightly 'Why on earth did you talk to her about the weather you fool, the weather of all things. Anything to choose from and you chose the weather. You fool, you deserve her laughter, no wonder she could never love you' he shook his head again trying to clear the thought from his mind.
Maerad however didn't laugh at his comment, nor did she even seem shocked, she simply replied. He didn't know she was fighting to control her feelings and that she was also dismayed at his choice of topic, she couldn't turn the weather to gently pry and see if there was even the slightest possibility of him ever loving her.
"Yes, I suppose it is today" she replied absently.
"Hmmm. Maerad? What do you know about ... never mind."
Maerad glanced up at him sharply to find him looking at her with his deep eyes, she looked at him carefully.
"Cadvan, what were you going to say?"
"It doesn't matter, honestly Maerad, it wasn't anything important."
Maerad looked at him even more closely. "Cadvan" she said earnestly, forcing him to look at her properly and meet her gaze, "it was obviously important enough for you to mention it in the first place, what were you going to say? What do I know about ...?"
"The ways of the heart" he muttered quietly, eyes dropping her gaze.
She stared at him for a minute, to see if he was serious, she saw he was and duly considered the question, trying to ignore the backflips her stomach was doing him bringing up the topic, almost as though he was trying to gauge if she could ever care for him.
She mentally scolded herself, 'He's not asking to find out what you feel, he's asking you because he's going to tell you he wants to stop travelling with you to be with Nerilli or he needs to talk about Ceredin with someone, all the things you noticed, they weren't signs of caring for you, they were comfort, comforting him. You silly fool, he's your teacher, of course he doesn't care for you the way you care for him.'
She answered him out loud after a moment. "Very little, I've no idea what love actually is, I don't think I've felt it since I was very little and I lost my mother in Gilman's cot. The world was too harsh to love there, and since then I only know the little I learnt from Dernhill" she choked slightly on his name "and what you said he felt for me." She stopped there, scared that if she asked him directly he would close up. After he didn't reply she decided to mention it and see if he replied.
"I know I must know much less than you, you've had a lifetime to learn it in, you've probably already found the one you love."
"Maerad, I've recently discovered I know as little about love as you do. I thought I knew about the ways of the heart, how to recognise the signs, how strong it could be, what it was like. I've only recently discovered I was wrong, I knew nothing about any of those things. Love has crept up on me, I didn't even see it approaching me, it came at a strength of love I didn't even know existed, and I feel like I'm only just beginning to scratch the surface. I finally know what Malgorn and Silvia meant all those years ago."
Maerad stayed silently, not trusting herself to speak, hope leaping into her throat as he mad his confession, she tried to squash it but found she was unable to, they rode in silence for a short while before Cadvan spoke again.
"There's a cave not far from here, if we don't stop there then there is nowhere safe to stop for a league in any direction, we can have an early night and then start of early gain in the morning."
He then led Darsor into the lead again and began leading them up the hill at the side of them making conversation impossible.
They reached the cave and sorted the horses, laid out the blankets for sleeping on, readied and ate their meal all in silence, neither knowing what to say. Cadvan spent most of the time mentally berating himself for bringing up the subject, it had made Maerad upset, he could see it everytime he looked at her now, making the silence even harder to break. It had also made it even worse for him, which, in his sadness at upsetting Maerad, he had barely noticed that the ache had grown.
It had remindered him of how much she had missed out and how much he had yet to teach her, and how much he wanted to be the one who taught her about love again, what it was like to be loved and to be cherished and to trust another completely and utterly. He had no doubt that she trusted him on their journey but there would always be the part of her which distrusted men at least a small amount, and he couldn't blame that given her past. But he knew that she no longer knew what it was like to be cherished, she had had a hint when she had been with Silvia but had not being there long enough for it to sink into her again. She no longer knew what it was like to someone after such a brutal childhood, so empty of love from such a young age. She no longer knew what it was like to trust another completely and utterly, to lie still with them and still feel safe simply because they were in their arms.
Maerad glanced across the fire Cadvan was idly poking and at Cadvan himself, she could see that he was deep in thought, 'he's probably thinking about how to tell me about Nerilli or Ceredin, he won't even look at me anymore, maybe he won't confide in me as he doesn't think I'll understand.' She looked back down at her legs which were pulled up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them.
Maerad could barely even begin to comprehend how much she had missed out on, how deep love could go and here was Cadvan saying that it seemed to be infinite, he thought he already knew and had recently discovered how little he knew, how much did she still have to learn? Would she even recognise love if she ever saw it?
'I can't have even lost the ability to recognise love, can I? Can I still feel love? I shielded myself so much from feeling anything as much as I could in the cot, did I get so use to hiding my feelings that I can't feel them anymore?'
Thoughts like this whirled around and around in Maerad's head, each gaining questions, but no more answers. She stared into the fire as though the answers would be contained there and without even realising it a tear slid down her cheek.
Cadvan glanced at Maerad and saw her biting her lip as she gazed into the fire.
'She has no idea how beautiful she is. No wonder she's had a tough life.' He gazed at her a little longer, neither noticed, she was too busy staring into the flames and he was too lost in her. After a while he felt a pang as he saw a single tear slide down her cheek unnoticed.
Before either of them realised and before he could stop himself, he had reached out and wiped the tear away gently from her face, his hand lingering for a moment on her cheek as she looked up at him. He hastily pulled his hand back, mentally beating himself up for being so stupid and thoughtless, he tried to think of anything to say at all in order to get rid of this moment.
"Looks like a storm coming in." 'The weather, again, I chose the weather.'
Maered looked away outside, glancing at the dark clouds coming in fast.
"It does" she replied distractedly.
He glanced at her again while she was facing the other direction and saw something in her eyes, he just couldn't make out what it was.
Maerad suddenly stood up and walked to the edge of the cave, she sat by the opening, pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them before drumming her fingertips on her shins. She looked out for a minute.
She turned around and faced Cadvan, he saw the invitation there and knew he could go sit with her without upsetting her. He walked to the edge of the cave and sat next to her cross-legged, leaning back and resting on his hands.
They sat in silence for a while before Maerad broke it.
"I love this feeling." Cadvan looked at her questioningly. "When you're in a dry warm place and you're watching it rain in the cold outside."
Cadvan nodded and they lapsed into silence again, but this time thoughtful and comfortable.
Both were deep in thought. 'So I at least know what it's like to love a situation,' Maerad thought to herself, 'But does that mean I can love a person? I suppose the closest I have is Cadvan, and I know I care for him.' She thought back to a moment before when he had touched her cheek and the bolt of electricity which had shot through her at the touch leaving the faint tingle which still remained in her cheek, she resisted the urge to reach up and touch it lightly.
Cadvan kept his hand perfectly still on the ground, still aware of the feeling lingering in his fingers where they had touched her cheek. He tried to turn his mind away and onto anything he could but found it impossible, his mind kept slipping to a few moments before, when he had touched her cheek and she hadn't turned away.
'She was probably just in shock. That was all, she just didn't know how to react. You were just doing it out of care, you watch out for her that's all, it didn't mean anything, you were just cheering her up. So why can I still feel the linger of her skin on mine and know how smooth her skin is, and why is my hand still tingling if I only meant it as a friend and guardian?'
They both sat in silence with their thoughts for a while.
Suddenly a bolt of lightning shot through sky unexpectedly making Maerad jump. Her arms became unclasped and her hands searched for the floor to find balance and her hand landed on Cadvan's, neither could deny the lightning that shot through their own spines regardless of the one in the sky.
Maerad moved to take her hand off Cadvan's when she felt his lift up slightly, turn over and take hold of hers. They had held hands before, but always for mutual support or for encouragement and as their eyes met they both knew that this was different and that things had to change between them, neither made a move to stop it though as both sat motionless.
Cadvan searched her eyes for any sign, dreading any sign of fear but almost craving any look of acceptance and invitation. He found what he was searching for. Acceptance and invitation.
He slowly rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand as he brought it up to his lips and kissed it gently watching her reaction. He saw a moments hesitation in her eyes, it was all he needed to stop him in his tracks, he had been gauging if she was ready was this or not, her eyes had just shouted loud and clear that she was not.
"I'm sorry Maerad. This isn't what you want. I'm sorry." He muttered quietly, not looking at her and he made to stand up, she took hold of his hand again and held it until he looked at her again.
"This is what I want."
"Maerad, you're still not ready. Besides you deserve better, it would be wrong of me to take advantage of your weakness now."
"Cadvan, I am ready. We'd need to take it slowly, but this is want, and you're more than I deserve anyway, it wouldn't be taking advantage."
"I can't give you the life that you deserve, that's why it would be wrong. I can never settle down, I'm older than you, I've had the dark in me Maerad, you deserve someone who hasn't killed two of his best friends, someone who can provide a home for you while you learn, someone who will stay in one place, someone who can truly love. You deserve someone like Dernhill, not the man who killed him."
"I've been travelling around with you this long Cadvan, I know how you live, and I want this to happen anyway, the dark is no longer in you, and it's not your fault Dernhill is no longer with us."
"It's my fault that Ceredin is no longer here, and Dernhill is only gone because of me, if I hadn't asked him to teach you-"
"Shhh. He knew the risks and he taught me anyway. It isn't what you did in the past I care about, it's you now."
Cadvan opened his mouth to reply, but Maerad interrupted him.
"Shut up and kiss me" she murmured to him.
He searched her eyes and found nothing but approval, happiness and longing. He cupped her cheek gently with his hand, this time neither of them truly shocked at the movement and leaned slowly towards her an inch from her face he pulled back a small amount.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded slightly. Cadvan looked back into her eyes and closed the gap between them.
He pressed his lips gently against hers for a moment before he pulled back and kissed her forehead.
"Ok?" He asked gently. He knew she was old enough and that she was ready, but he was still scared about doing anything which might scare her in the slightest and make her feel like she wasn't in control of what was happening and so which might hurt her.
Maerad smiled gently at Cadvan, understanding his overly cautious approach.
Cadvan grinned almost apologetically before leaning back in and kissing her tenderly, but still cautiously, causing Maerad to smile into the kiss.
Later Maerad lay under the blanket, still dressed, wrapped in Cadvan's embrace. She gazed into the remains of the fire and found all of her early questions answered. She sighed contentedly and relaxed into Cadvan's arms.
She now knew that she could love, she knew that she could be loved and she could recognise when she was in love.
And she knew that she was in love with Cadvan, and also knew that he also loved her.
Now she just needed to him say it and fell into the problem of all women worldwide, needing to her their lover, partner and best friend, say those three little words.
"I love you Cadvan" she breathed out under her breath before falling asleep.
She fell asleep too soon to hear Cadvan murmur back "I love you too."
He now knew that Maerad could be loved and that she could love and he couldn't wait to show her everyday he was with her from now on.
He also knew that it wasn't always the extravagant gestures or great speeches which made the difference, sometimes it was just those 3 little words which he vowed to say whenever she needed to hear them and whenever he wanted to say them, and other times it was just about 2 people sitting at the mouth of a cave, and lightning hitting at the right time.
OK, so maybe that was rather odd and a rather odd relation to lightning but I linked it at the end. Let me know what you think, this really didn't turn out how I expected, it's also my first pellinor fic which actually focuses on Maerad and Cadvan (makes sense if you've read my other one) so let me know what you think (please).
And no, for anyone who has a suspicious mind, I was actually talking about love, not sex in that last bit. They haven't had sex yet in this story.
Also just so you know, this isn't based on my real life the 3 little words bit and needing to hear them, before everyone accuses me of having the perfect love life and just being picky.
Please review.