hello again. i am posting this as it has been on my computer for awhile and I haven't really had much time to fiddle with the next entry. it became a little bit too absurd so I will have to re-write it. Anyway, all responses good and bad, compliments and criticism Are greatly appreciated. Just take this as a light piece, It's much more absurd and upbeat that The Aftermath.
Enjoy!
I sighed, looking once more at the wreckage of my small apartment. I live in Japan, which makes apartments tiny. Compared to most, my apartment was large. Two rooms a half bathroom and a shower. My bedroom doubled as a living room. Tatami flooring, a TV and a couch-bed thing, What are those called again? Futons? Fold-out beds? Gah, I don't know.
Regardless, I digress. I was a messy person. I had a desk with drawers and the drawers were full of scrap paper, old letters and junk. I found my iPod in there once, I had been looking for it for months. No joke. But this mess, this mess that made my room look like a nuclear bomb had gone off was not my fault. This was the fault of two people who until one year two months and a week ago I had thought were completely fictional, who were for whatever reason looking for something in my room. This all started with another character actually, but maybe going back a year, two months and a week will be simpler than trying to explain everything.
"You should have pointed-"
OZPIN! MY STORY! MINE!
Anyway one year, two months and a week ago:
It was a normal day. I taught English to junior high school students on the island of Kyushu, (to avoid harassments and people trying to meet Ozpin I will avoid saying where). I had just finished up my day, Walked out of school got on the bus, hopped off the bus half a hour later, got groceries and walked home. Everything was normal and I was hoping to play some fallout on my Xbox (please note, never get an Xbox in Japan, they do not sell used games because the xbox is unpopular and therefore the games are super-expensive). I swiped my key card at the outer doorway and walked in as the sliding glass door to my apartment building opened. I walked down the small hallways to the elevator, I thought about taking it.
I live on the second floor so it probably would have faster to walk up the stairs but I was feeling lazy. After a moment I sighed, the elevator was on the fourteenth floor, might as well walk. So there I was walking up one flight of stairs and opening a door that I swore could hold off the zombie apocalypse (I think it is made of two inches of steel) only to see a woman standing in front of me. Before you squeal about Glynda Goodwitch this was not Glynda. Anyone who has seen the third volume of RWBY knows exactly whom I am talking about.
Of course I was an idiot. After all the idea of an anime-esque (I won't touch that debate with a fifty foot pole) character coming to life was up until that point complete fantasy in my mind. "excuse me." I said, not even thinking about what I was seeing, I just wanted to get to my apartment. I was tired, and sore and wanted to wear some jeans instead of the suit I was currently in.
"I'd wait a few minutes before going in." Salem said almost politely
"Why?" I asked, quickly becoming annoyed but also confused. I still had not realized whom I was talking to. I really wanted to get to my apartment.
"I know you have had a long day. You have two choices, go in that's the red pill. Wait five minutes, that is the blue pill." Salem said.
At this point I was creeped-out. So creeped-out I started to move around her and completely ignored the matrix reference. Thinking back, how the hell did Salem know about the Matrix? She is a powerful, presumably evil witch and all but seriously? There was some weird stuff going on that I needed answered and of course I did not ask a single question. "Why shouldn't I go into my apartment? should have been one I pressed more than once.
I quickly hurried to my apartment, literally not twenty feet from where the creepy lady was. I turned to look at her, she stood there, staring at me-
"menacingly"
"OZPIN! I WAS ON A ROLL!"
"you need to improve your storytelling"
Okay Salem stared menacingly (not really). She seemed amused. I decided to call the cops before realizing the inevitable problem of speaking barely any Japanese made such a call close to impossible. I opened the door and who do I find inside?
Not Adam
Not Cinder, Mercury or Emerald
Mysterious enemy? Nope.
Grimm? Sometimes I wish.
"Please, that is not-"
"OZPIN! GO MAKE COFFEE! I GOT THAT COFFEE MAKER YESTERDAY! USE IT!"
On my fold out bed (going with that, no idea if it's right). There was Ozpin, and Glynda, and Qrow. I was partially dumbfounded. Of course, After watching 3 volumes of RWBY buying the DVD's and visiting one convention, I still did not recognize any of them at first.
"Ozpin, watch out for the AT-AT!" Qrow shouted pointing at my tv
"Please Qrow, I am in a much more mobile snow-speeder. I can easily-"
The sound of explosions caused Qrow to look at Ozpin ruefully.
"You were saying?"
"You two, shut up! I need to kill vader!" Glynda snapped.
My reaction was a mixture of: someone is in my house and why are people playing on my xbox without me?
My question eloquently explained all of that:
"hello?"
Three faces turned too look at me. Qrow face palmed. Ozpin froze and Glynda went slack jawed, eyes wide.
"Why are you in my house?" I asked. I was being about as dense as a board. In any other situation where a similar scenario happened, I would be dead, unconscious, begging for mercy, or screaming.
"don't forget pissing your pants" I leap three feet off my couch
"QROW, PLEASE DON"T DO THAT YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN ME A HEART ATTACK!"
"sorry, what have you written?"
"YOU CAN READ LATER. I AM NOW WRITING."
Anyway, back to the story.
"We are… inspectors making sure your console is functioning to standard." Ozpin said quickly. He had recovered from the shock and was quickly trying to maneuver past me. Unfortunately I was in a very narrow hallway so unless he could transform into a paper thin copy of himself he was not going to get around me. As he came closer I recognize the white hair, the glasses, even the voice (how that works I do not know).
"You're Ozpin!" I exclaimed. Dumbfounded by my realization he immediately responded with "Yes. Now please excuse me" It took him a moment to realize he had just confirmed he was not from Earth. Ozpin simply sighed.
This resulted in all hell breaking loose.
"Dammit Ozpin!" Qrow exclaimed.
Glynda groaned "This is terrible."
"it is for the best, we did break and enter after all. He might as well know why." Ozpin said calmly.
"You just had to play battlefront. You just had to play the battle of Jakku, you just had to see a volcano!" Qrow exclaimed
"and I was right! It was all lovely." Ozpin responded.
"There are volcanoes in Vale!"
"but no Star Wars franchises."
"Wait, but that means you," I said pointing to Qrow "are Qrow. You are Glynda." Glynda raised her hand "guilty" She said, resigned to this mess.
"But wait, if you are… then that means…" As my mind pieces these things together I come to a realization. Horrified, I spun around took three steps and quickly opened my apartment door. There stood a smiling Salem. I slowly started to walk backwards. I walked through the hallway still staring at Salem in the open doorway.
A few things that you should take note of:
One: Salem, is definitely a villain. She wants to destroy Remnant and humanity. But is really quite friendly to everyone not on her kill list. Somehow that includes me, Ozpin and maybe Glynda. She wants to eviscerate Qrow.
Two: Salem wanted me to open the door to my apartment, more on that later.
Three: Salem has some very weird powers; I seriously do not understand them. Something about a German guy's cat was about all I got. Shrodinger's cat or something? You think a history major would remember this stuff.
At that point I knew none of those things and fell backwards. Fight or flight kicked in. What did I do? Well that should be quite clear. I had the home field advantage; she had no access to Dust. She had no advantages, except that I knew nothing about her.
So when she stepped through the doorway into my apartment I did the only rational thing: I slammed the inner door to my apartment shut. For some reason this hallway had the door out to the outdoor hallway and one on the opposite end into my apartment proper. The outdoor one was made of thick wood, the inner one of glass. Yes glass, the fragile stuff that is transparent and breaks very easily. I should note that I slammed the door in her face. She did not look pleased. I realized quite quickly this would not end well.
Salem somehow had the patience to knock on the door. Unfortunately "knocking" clearly requires more force on Remnant, much more force. The glass door shattered and I screamed. someone put their hand on my shoulder causing me to embarrassingly enough, squeal. I looked up Ozpin stood there smiling at me.
"Now calm down. This is not as bad as it looks. She won't eat you."
"I'm terribly sorry! I shouldn't have knocked so hard! I was trying to be polite and…"
"Huh?" Was my only reaction. Salem, scary super-villain was apologizing for breaking a door. Does this make sense to anyone? It certainly didn't to me.
Ozpin tuned to look at Salem. "Let's clean up." then he closed his eyes "Glynda."
Glynda sighed as she used her semblance to repair the glass door. "Let's all sit down and explain what is going on to this poor boy." She insisted.
A few minutes later I was sitting on a stool. Salem and Ozpin sat on the couch while Glynda and Qrow sat on two other stools.
"So Remnant is real?" I asked. Heads nodded
"You can all use your semblances and auras here?" Again nodding
"how did you get here again?"
"We got here through a manipulation of time and space caused by the convex of-"
"Magic." Ozpin answered interrupting Glynda's overly technical answer. Glynda glared at Ozpin for giving the not-quite-correct answer.
"Why are you here?"
"For fun" Qrow responded with a shrug.
"And um, why are the three of you and Salem not killing each other?" I ask, daring to point out the elephant in the room.
"We can still be civil. This is neutral territory." Salem explained
"This world?" I asked
"This apartment." Salem responded.
Dear god, if you do exist I need monty oum to tell me what to do. He created these characters. I think quickly.
At this point I am debating the existence of God and also debating whether Monty Oum, deceased animator extraordinaire, is God. Needless to say that debate has not moved forward since it began in my mind.
"I am insane." I say, convinced this is all a psychological meltdown.
"That notion is insane." Ozpin replied.
"You are all fictional characters!" I argue.
"Were fictional, we came to be three years ago and will continue to exist when RWBY, the tv show ends." Glynda explained.
"Huh?"
"We were created by imagination, a world was created. And now, it simply exists." Glynda tried to explain
"So when I write a story, it somehow becomes real?"
"As long as the world can function, has natural laws and such, then pretty much yes."
"How about movies?" I get nods.
I in turn curl up in a fetal position, trying to convince myself that I am actually insane. I suspected that was the more positive option. It is a strange day when being insane seems like an optimistic possibility. Qrow seemed to sense my glimmer of hope, and immediately set about crushing it. How he did this was reasonable. He walked outside, grabbed the first person he saw and dragged him into my room.
Unfortunately for the poor soul who now had to suffer this, He was not a Japanese person. At least then he would not be able to answer Qrow's questions. Qrow probably would have dropped him back outside almost immediately. Instead this person was another language teacher and a friend. He was on a year long contract but, after Qrow's stunt, I sincerely doubted he would be here for much longer. If he was smart he would flee the country. Glynda and Ozpin looked shocked by Qrow's actions but did nothing to change them.
"Ron, help me." I begged. Ron, a curly haired thirty year old with big glasses and a Scottish accent was utterly confused. "Who are these people? What the bloody hell are they doing in your apartment?" At this, my hope of insanity shriveled, died and was then chucked into a black hole.
'Enough evidence?" Qrow asked. I nodded. Qrow then put Ron back outside and closed the door.
"Why here? Why my apartment?" I asked.
Salem looked at Ozpin, Who looked at Qrow who looked at Glynda. Glynda groaned in defeat.
"Your apartment was the easiest to break into. The door was left unlocked."
That's right, forgetting to lock my apartment door caused this.
"And now that you know our secret you have two options." Ozpin said quickly. He took a deep breath. Salem smiled, It was very creepy.
"you can act as our haven on Earth or you can leave this apartment and this country and never return."
"Hey! This is my apartment!" I said, my brain finally working again. "that's not fair."
"life's not fair kiddo." Qrow responded, searching for alcohol. "ooh, whiskey." He said opening the half empty bottle and pouring it into his canteen.
"I can't leave I have a contract." I muttered. I thought that it might make them change there minds. If experience is anything to go by you should be able to guess how that strategy went.
"Then it's decided. We now have housing for those who wish to explore this world!" Salem said cheerfully. "Ozpin will stay behind to explain the basics to you." Salem said. I finally stood up, prepared to demand her to leave. Fortunately my cowardly instincts took hold, as she looked at me with her red eyes "Don't break the deal. There are great rewards for those who keep their deals and grave punishments when they don't" She advised. Clearly I was in no shape to actually respond. Ozpin chuckled. I turned to see him sipping coffee from a mug. One of my mugs I might add. He was drinking my coffee. He must have made it before I came back.
"Not as good as Beacon's but not bad. You should get more." Ozpin said about the coffee. It was my turn to groan.
"Now you know how I feel" Glynda muttered, as she cleaned my apartment.
"Of course you will be compensated for your services." Ozpin said. "You will be paid in a variety of ways. Sometimes with services, equipment, favors or even money." As a signing bonus…" Ozpin started putting a hand on my shoulder I started to feel dizzy "you get a free trip for starters". Suddenly we were not in my apartment, we were in a courtyard I spun around. Salem was not there, but Glynda, Qrow and Ozpin were. I turned back staring at a fountain with an unmistakable statue on it.
"This is…"
"You get a free trip to beacon academy, to get your aura unlocked." Qrow said smiling. "I am gonna love this."
I frowned, I had work tomorrow, I didn't have time for this. A small voice in the back of my head screamed for help, needless to say I ignored it, mostly because there was nothing I could do.
"First a tour, and then aura, then lastly you duties and responsibilities as the Remnant-Earth Vacation Manager! You will have a lovely experience." Ozpin said. I almost cried. I felt I was going to miss work tomorrow.
_'
IN THE PRESENT: Qrow, Alcohol and Toilets
OZPIN! GIVE ME BACK MY COFFEE! I NEED IT TO KEEP WRITING!
"Coffee is bad for you. You shouldn't drink so much."
"SAYS THE COFFEE MONSTER! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? DON'T YOU HAVE A SCHOOL TO RUN?"
"One day at a time Mr. Manager"
"OZPIN!"
"Hey Ozpin, the toilet is clogged I tried to fix it… but… heh." qrow said scratching the back of his head while holding his weapon as it gently dripped water.
"QROW, I SWEAR, IF YOU JUST TRIED TO UNCLOG A TOILET WITH YOUR WEAPON I WILL KILL YOU!"
"I didn't! I used the plunger"
"I DON'T HAVE A PLUNGER QROW. YOU BROKE THE LAST ONE. WHAT DID YOU USE QROW?"
"This."
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU MESS UP A BROOM WITH A PLUNGER? I USE THAT TO CLEAN MY FLOORS!"
"Sorry."
"HOW DRUNK ARE YOU? DID YOU DOWN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF SHOCHU? THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE!"
"Now Mr. manager, you should calm down. It was a drunken error, not the end of the world."
"OZPIN, THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME THIS WEEK! SO FAR IT HAS HAPPENED EVERY DAY HE HAS BEEN HERE! HE ALREADY PISSED IN THE WASHING MACHINE TWICE TODAY ALONE!"
"Qrow, maybe you should lighten up on the alcohol. Maybe only one bottle a day would be better."
"Ozpin, that's slicing it down by half!"
"HE DRINKS TWO BOTTLES A DAY? QROW DID YOU SPEND MY MONEY ON MORE ALCOHOL? I NEED THAT MONEY TO BUY FOOD! NO MORE BUYING ALCOHOL WITH MY MONEY!"
"well, I could always steal money."
"THAT'S ILLEGAL!"
This was fun to write. It was my first comedy piece so i hope you enjoyed it. It's all over the top and i will attempt to keep it that on reactions I'll commit to writing this one next, this is partially a proof of concept and partially it has been sitting on my computer for months. Please review favorite, follow all that stuff. Writing in a vacuum without any responses, positive or negative can be tough since I don't know if I'm improving or not. Pointers and ideas are always appreciated.
For those who preferred the serious tone of The Aftermath I am working on Ruby's section which should be out in a couple of weeks. I also am working on Salem's Shadow: Sanctum which is part 1 of a long running series I am hoping to write. Again, Follow, favorite and review! Thanks a ton!