Waking Up Is the Hardest Part

by spazmoid

He is staring at the sky and wondering why it always seems to rain at funerals. He is wondering why he is suddenly walking back to the coffin, and the memories are infecting him like a disease.

{I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

- Seether

"Damnit! Fuck Craig! What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kenny yelled punching the brick wall. Craig was not sure if the cracking sound was the cracking of the rock or the blond's knuckles. Eithre way it sounded painful, but Kenny had a very high-tolerance for pain. Craig knew that all too well.

Craig refused to say a word looking up at the other from his place on the top of the toilet seat. Kenny had closed the stall door locking both of them inside, and Craig felt trapped. He could never escape unless he gave Kenny what he wanted, and he could not do that. He could not say a single word. That's why he was staring at the other with just a blank look on his face. That same impassive look he gave all the teachers who asked if he was okay, his friends, and now even Ruby.

Except they had not been as forceful when they asked.

Kenny was deep breathing as he attempted to calm himself down kneeling before the other kid. They were both only twelve, but sometimes Kenny seemed older somehow. It was probably because he had been through Hell and back. Literally.

Craig was still in the same position when he saw Kenny kneel. He was staring at the other with a blank but aggressive glare daring him to come closer. He did not feel like sharing his feelings with anyone, but the look in Kenny's eyes seemed to be cracking through his facade. He did not know why, but he suddenly felt like crying again. That was why he was in the bathroom, while his friends and the rest of the kids had lunch.

That is except for Kenny McCormick.

He had not expected to be followed. He was so used to the routine. If he was too upset he would go to the bathroom and make sure it was empty. He would climb on the top of a toilet and lock himself in the stall burying his face in his knees until the feeling went away. He would sit there for up to at most forty-five minutes just waiting for the burning sensation behind his eyes and the choking constriction in his throat to fade away. It was usually fine, but Kenny had followed him today. He could not concentrate. He could not make it go away. The feeling was getting worse.

"Craig...," Kenny repeated again, but this time Craig could not hear that hardness in his voice he heard earlier. His voice was soft just like whenever Craig's grandmother would come and talk to him. He suddenly felt his body betraying him. Kenny had placed a hand on his cheek and Craig could feel the wetness there.

"Craig Tucker does not cry."

Craig had not realised he had said it out loud until it was out and past his lips in a sort of disgustingly cracking voice. The tears had started and they would not stop as he began to cough and choke. He forgot Kenny was there as he buried his face into his knees. All he could feel were sudden arms around him that pulled him into something warm and soft.

"Why can't you cry?"

It took Craig a while to realise the question was directed toward him, but in his delirious upset state he answered almost as if his mind had went on autopilot. If you asked him what he had said, he would not even had known. What he did know was that he felt the need to run away and simply find another lonely place to make his feelings go away, but Kenny would not allow him to. He was zipped up with the other in his hoodie and arms encircled him as if forbidding him from even trying to.

Craig had stopped crying enough to look up despite his mind screaming at him not to. He was drawn into those blue eyes, and a sad smile that seemed to know exactly what he was going through. "You're the only one who ever will...," he suddenly whispered in a hushed monotone his old impassiveness returning, but his mind was on haywire. He had no idea what he was thinking, but he just wanted to see why it was so bad. Why it was so bad for him to like someone else this much?

Even if he was another boy?

He had not expected Kenny to kiss back just as softly. He had not expected for it to last so long that when Kenny pulled away his lips still tingled. "It's okay," Kenny whispered softly before kissing him again.

Craig wakes up and looks at the casket as it is lowered in the ground. His breathing stops and he feels himself die as he walks away a letter in his shaking hands with just three little words he had never bothered say and never would to the face he wants to say them to so much. Three little words that mean so much, and that probably could have made the other stay. He stops suddenly crumpling the paper. He is staring at the sky and wondering why it always seems to rain at funerals. He is wondering why he is suddenly walking back to the coffin, and the memories are infecting him like a disease.

"I am a pirate..."

"Shut the fuck up Kenny," Craig stated glaring up from his homework. "We're supposed to be doing our fucking Maths homework. Not singing shitty ass songs. You want to pass or not?"

Kenny pouted before he broke out in a grin slumping over the other before picking him up bridal style. Craig protested as he struggled weakly in the other's arms before being placed on the bed. "You are a princess," he sung with a light laugh above the other a grin on his lips.

Craig was speechless as he shoved the other boy off. "You idiot...," he said ignoring the fact Kenny had called him a "princess" and the rapid beating of his heart. It was too hard and too fast. It was scaring him so much, but he just kept feeling this way around the other. He did not like how it made him want to express everything he had such a hard time expressing. He hated that he was being driven absolutely insane just by the other's smile.

Kenny only feigned innocence before jumping over and tackling the black-haired boy to the ground. Craig struggled to keep his hat on as suddenly his sides were attacked viciously. "S-stop," he began to gasp as he burst into hysterical laughter. Kenny only grinned tickling him unmercifully until Craig was laughing so hard he thought his side would break.

When he stopped he continued that same damn song until Craig swore his heart would shatter because of its beating. His voice was soft and sweet, and Craig could not help but think Kenny McCormick was the best fucking singer he ever knew. "Everyone would love us... even Courtney would love us," he sang softly.

And that was the second time Craig kissed Kenny.

Craig suddenly hates the other one so much. He hates this boy who is being buried in this empty six-foot deep hole. He hates the god who took him away. He wants to scream again or throw up. He wants to just go back to sleep and return to the blond boy in his dreams. "You can't do this to me you fucking asshole!" he says in a loud whisper, but it sounds more like a really painful whimper because Craig's composure is crumbling and he knows it. He has been given emotions to feel without knowing what to do with them, and the only one who knows how to help him is long gone.

Craig had no idea how this happened. He was suddenly pressed against his bed as Kenny bent down and kissed him. He had not expected his arms to reach up and tug him closer as their not-so-innocent kiss turnt violent. Craig's lips would probably be as blue as his hat by the time they were finished.

His hands were sliding across any free skin. They were pushing under the fabric that blocked him access to what he desired. The other seemed to be doing the same because Craig felt as if his skin was on fire anywhere he felt pale fingers touch.. "Craig... Promise that you'll never forget about me?"

The question was sudden, and Craig could see this sorrow in the others eyes that seemed so out of place. He did not want to ever see that sadness again. He knew it right then, and a part of him always knew since that day Kenny had finally forced him to cry.

"I can't forget about the best thing in my life."

Craig rubs his arms as if to warm himself. He is in the snow in just a suit, and it still seems to be raining which only makes things worse. His hair curls around the edges of his hat as it becomes more and more damp in the downpour.

Craig was curled up next to Kenny as he watched the beginning credits of his favourite show wordlessly. He had not had time to dry off between the time it took to get out the shower and watch the television show. He felt bad for soaking Kenny's lap, but the blond did not seem to mind. "It is Red Racer after all," he had said with a teasing grin.

"Hey Craig... Didja know your hair is sorta curly?" he suddenly asked after Craig had been lost in the show for a while. He was idly playing gently with some of them as he continued to just stare down at Craig with a smile. Craig still did not know he did this, watch him with such a gentle smile whenever he was so certain the other was not looking.

Craig still did not notice. His only reply was a slight nod as he continued to watch the screen.

"It's so cute," Kenny said with a laugh as he took a curling end and wound the damp hair around his finger. That drew Craig's attention from the screen. Kenny knew how much he disliked being called cute. Cute was for girls and guinea pigs, not fourteen-year old boys who just happened to have slightly curly hair.

Before Craig could voice his protests he was suddenly tugged by that same damp hair into a kiss. His mind flew blank as every word he had wanted to say was swallowed by the other's mouth. Kenny was the only one who could make him miss his favourite television show. Kenny was the only one to make him feel like this.

"Kenny...," Craig suddenly whispers the rain still falling down his face. He is not sure who exactly he is talking to, but he hopes that the blond could hear him. He hopes so much that what he has wanted to say for six years can finally be heard. "I'm sorry... I loved you so much... Why didn't you let me help you?" he feels his tears coming back. He knows why he had never said those words to Kenny, but he had not known just how much the blond had needed to hear them. "Why didn't you even let me fucking try to understand?" he suddenly screams. It is scream of pain, grief, and too many emotions he has been keeping bottled up for too many years. Anyone who just happens to pass him at that moment will think the soaking wet teen in the middle of the cemetery is losing his mind. Maybe he is.

Craig could never forget that day. They were looking at the sky as usual because Kenny insisted that Craig should know all the constellations. They did it so often they had just brought blankets and pillows just in case they decided to sleep up there. If they slept close enough they could ignore the cold.

They had did it that night. Both eighteen and unable to break the habit of their practically nightly star-gazing routine. Kenny had talked until his voice died down to murmurs as he fell asleep. Craig had already fallen asleep long before curled up against the other to steal whatever warmth he had to give. They were so close that Craig could feel the other shift when he woke up and get out of the blankets. He could hear the soft sound his shoes made as they walked along the concrete roof of their old elementary school.

He had opened his mouth to ask Kenny what he was doing just in time to watch Kenny walk to the edge. He wished he could have found his breath to breathe. He wished he could have yelled at Kenny to stop and to not do it. He had wanted to say that he could not do whatever they had been doing on his own, and Kenny could not leave him.

But he did not say any of these things. He just watched as Kenny just lurched forward, and for the first time Kenny had chose to die. Craig would never forget that melanchony smile that he glimpsed on Kenny's face as he let himself fall.

Craig is still crying when the rain stops and he is singing softly just wishing Kenny will come back. His song keeps being interrupted by his own constricting breath as he breaks down even further. He is falling now with no one to lift him up. He is being blown to pieces, and he is in just so much pain he wants to die. He wants to sleep. He wants anything but to wake up without that smiling face.

He wants to escape this cemetery littered with carcasses of his dead dreams.

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

edit: 16 Feb 2011

edit: 24 Feb 2011