Author's Note: Faberry is my obsession of all obsessions, especially the Fabray half. Quinn is one of those tremendously fascinating, unplumbed characters... who is of course a pressed lemon. This story is set beginning of season 2; after baby but before Sam.
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Quinn Fabray doesn't need another reason to be kicked out again. She's known it all along, and that's why she keeps it close, like the crucifix that presses hot against her collarbone like the searing brand forced on an animal. It's what it feels like to her, at least.
She's known it all along. She's gone years, parts of childhood even, knowing what could make her parents (and god) hate her. If that's not suffocating, she doesn't know what is. It's still better than homeless, or worse, unloved, or worse still, disgraced, so she keeps it close.
In keeping this secret so close, Quinn began to asphyxiate herself. It was inevitable. So she started to try things that she hoped would give her a gasp for air every now and then.
Boys. Boys and everything that comes along with them.
It had the potential of becoming a vicious circle, sex, and Quinn found out too late that she'd known it all along. Not wanting to get kicked out. Trying to prevent that, trying to fix herself, and having sex with boys. Getting knocked up. Getting kicked out. Anyone else would call it cruel irony, but Quinn calls it a relief. She pictures her father's thin, bloodless lips spelling out slut and get out of my house more readily than he'd ever said an Our Father and she figures, well, at least it's just that. As far as getting kicked out, better this mistake than the alternative.
It's an odd sort of complacence that would make any other teenage girl cry, but being glad the punishment isn't worse is basically Christianity. To Quinn, at least. That's what it's meant to her for as long as she can remember.
Quinn Fabray definitely doesn't need another reason to be kicked out again, though. She knows when to count her blessings, and this is one of those times. Now she's back home, and though she's walking on pins and needles that carpet the entire house for her, and though she has one less parent to worry about, she's going to be careful. One slip-up and there's no going back. Her dad may be gone, and her mom may have let Quinn come back, but some things are just unforgivable. She's still gone for good if she provides that one reason. She's known it all along, and that's why she keeps it close, like the red and white cheerleading uniform that hugs her body like armor. Quinn has always seen it as armor that defends her against being anything but perfect.
Because who would ever suspect it of a cheerleader?
When Quinn somehow gets Rachel Berry as a duet partner for Glee Club, it's no big deal. Quinn doesn't hold any grudges against the other girl for last year, for dating Finn or for not getting pregnant or for anything petty like that. Quinn never cared about Finn anyway, and she knows it's not Rachel's fault for having two parents that love her more than Quinn's do her. Besides, Rachel's nice to Quinn, and nobody's ever anything much more than civil to Quinn Fabray. She's known that all along, and has kept it close all these years, like the knot of insecurity that lives in her chest.
It's when Rachel suggests that they practice this song at Quinn's house because they're laying down new carpet at Rachel's (probably neither pins nor needles, probably Berber, lucky girl) - it's then that Quinn tenses up. This is one of those things that could present a reason. Not the reason, but a reason all the same.
Rachel Berry isn't the kind of friend Quinn wants to have if she is trying as hard as she can not to get kicked out. Quinn's parents have talked about Rachel Berry and her "family" before. They've talked about them for years. The Berrys are Jewish, and that's bad enough, but Rachel also has two dads.
Quinn hasn't actually always known the other reason she could get kicked out. She first knew in elementary school when her parents told her that her classmate, Rachel Berry, was being raised by homosexuals, and that all three of the Berrys were sick, terrible people. She was then told that being gay like Rachel Berry's two dads was a very serious sin. She was then told not to have anything to do with Rachel Berry.
Quinn Fabray, all-American cheerleader, Christian, and blonde, actually found out she was gay in the eighth grade. Ever since then she's kept it close, like the crucifix that presses hot against her collarbone like the millstone around the neck of a drowning man. It's what it feels like to her, at least.
"No," Quinn says, a little too loudly and a little too suddenly, and Rachel starts. Quinn takes a few deep breaths. "I don't think that's a good idea," is all she says. She tries to play it cool. She doesn't want to embarrass Rachel with the truth, that she's ashamed of her. Maybe she could explain it if she and Rachel were friends, but it's not like that.
"Oh." Rachel shrugs matter-of-factly. "Okay, that's fine. We can ask the secretary for the key to the chorus room, I'm sure she'd give it to us. The acoustics in there make my voice sound better anyway." Blessedly, Rachel chooses not to ask any questions. She glosses over the moment and changes the subject in an awkward rush, and Quinn can tell, but Quinn is thankful all the same.