It was third year and Harry stood just inside the classroom as Lupin explained about Boggarts. He had an uneasy feeling. He knew what his worst fear would be and then everyone would know.
Harry gulped.
Fear rising in his chest of the secret he would most likely be revealed. What could he do to stop this? To get away? He could say it would be Voldemort. He could say a dementor. He could say it would be a fucking Avada kedavra curse. At least then he wouldn't make Harry stand up to his fear. His fear that never goes away. His fear that if he were to stand up to it he would be punished more.
As he explained that one would have to change it into something funny he gasped silently to himself.
How could one make something so terrifying funny?
How could one make your living shame, anger, fear, hatred all bundled into one into some sort of joke?
No one could joke away the pain Harry felt every second he was breathing. No one could understand that every moment of his life was filled with dread. That he would rather face Voldemort three times over than face his real fear. That he would rather be called freak. Rather be ostracised from school. Rather find out he wasn't a wizard than face his fucking fear.
Lupin ordered the class to stand in a line.
Harry stood behind Malfoy. Malfoy stood behind Seamus. Seamus stood behind Ron. Ron stood behind Lavender. Lavender stood behind Pavrati. He had five people in front of him. Five people until his dirtiest secret was revealed. Five people to escape.
Harry couldn't even run.
His legs felt like stone as they glued him to the floor. His hands were starting to shake slightly. His breath caught in his throat and it came out raspy. But no one noticed as the class laughed at the snake that had turned into a piñata.
Harry didn't have enough time. Not enough time in the world to run. For someone who was meant to be a Slytherin you would think he would be able to run at a time like this. You would think he would see that it was better for people to be curious than know the truth. For someone who was a Griffindor you would think he wouldn't be frozen in fear at the inevitable.
Harry failed at both.
Lavender's turn. A pool of darkness turned into nothing but a puddle of dirty water. Strange. Everyone still laughed.
Another person was gone from the line. Fuck. There were only three people and Harry didn't have time to think about how to make his greatest fear into a joke. He could never do that. It would never be funny. How wounded he was could never turn into something like that.
How, after so long, could he let everything be so transparent? How after years could he let everyone see how much of a freak he really was? How after everything that he had been through could he have let it all boil down to nothing?
Harry felt sick.
Ron attached ice skates to the giant spider in front of him. Everyone laughed. Harry didn't.
There were only two left.
Time seemed to speed up as Harry realised what was about to happen. It truly sunk in. Would he feel relieved that everyone finally knew? That he would be free to no longer carry this secret on his shoulders? A secret that burned and cut and whipped. A secret that was weighing him down so much that he could barely stay above water. A secret that stole his dreams and replaced them with nightmares, a cynical Santa Claus that gifted him with terror all year round. This secret that he had told no one. This secret that followed him around at every waking hour like a second shadow.
A secret that maybe he didn't have to hide.
Seamus's clown suddenly lost all his make up and had a breakdown. Everyone laughed. Harry didn't find it funny.
Harry was surprisingly calm. The calm before the storm one might have said. He took a look around the classroom. The pupils. He wondered how different it would be if they knew. How much they would treat him differently. Look at him differently. Once his secret was as free as the air he was not worthy to breathe, would he see the world differently? Would he feel a weight off his chest that he had only read about? Would he finally be able to step off the Astronomy Tower ledge with a clean conscience?
Malfoy's father glared at him and told him he was a disappointment. Malfoy blushed and put his father in a dress. Everyone laughed. Harry stayed silent.
Like what he did with everything in life.
Harry stepped forward, new terror churning in his chest like stormy waves. Malfoy looked at him with intrigue. Everyone did. As if thinking What does the Chosen One fear? Harry could almost laugh if he weren't so fucking frightened. Would they be disappointed? Think his fear was worth nothing?
Harry shakily raised his wand as he prepared himself. He saw Lupin out of the corner of his eye realise something, did he think it would be Voldemort?
It would not be Voldemort.
They probably expected that. Voldemort. Or Dementors. Or a spider. Or something normal. They certainly weren't expecting the boggart to change like it did from the gasps he heard around the room.
Harry stood frozen in fear as his uncle glared down at him. A shabby looking middle aged muggle was not what anyone expected. No one had seen him before. Not even at Kings Cross. No one knew who it was. No one at all.
Except Harry.
Ice cold dread filled him in every inch of his being. Fear pumped like blood through his veins. His heart started to pound loud enough that he thought everyone would hear it. A roaring filled his ears. A silence filled the room. Not one sound made it from anyone's mouth except the haggard feral breathing of the boggart.
He had a belt in his hand.
He had cold hard anger in his eyes.
He had words that could cut as deep as a knife.
Harry dropped his wand. His body froze. No one moved. No one spoke. Everyone gasped when they heard what the boggart said.
"You freak. You dare live in our house. Eat our food. Dirty our air. Spread your freakishness! You don't deserve to breathe you excuse for life. Do they think you're special there? Do they now? Have they not realised that you are a freak who should have died with your parents?"
Not a sound for a beat.
1... Silence.
2... Confusion.
3... Realisation.
The man started to walk towards Harry. Harry had paled. Blood gone from his face. Fear frozen in his eyes. The uncle let out a cold chuckle. He said,
"You've brought this upon yourself."
As he raised the belt Harry closed his eyes. A tear ran down his cheek. Everyone stared. He prepared himself for the pain. Oblivious of where he was. No longer aware that this was not his real uncle. He waited. Took a breath. Steadied his feet...
Lupin jumped in front of him and the man disappeared to be replaced by the moon. He shouted riddikulus and it changed into a balloon.
Harry opened his eyes. The boggart was back in its box. He felt a hand on his arm and the worried voice of Hermione say,
"Harry?"
Her voice was soft. Non threatening. Confused. Scared.
Harry pulled himself out of her grasp and ran from the room.
The class stood in silence.
Now they knew the truth.
Harry ran through the halls, the whispers of paintings following him wherever he went.
Fuck.
They knew.
He let them know.
He did nothing to stop them.
Harry started to pant as he ran, bruises and welts from last summer still healing, he wasn't in good enough health for long distances. That dementor attack didn't make it any easier. Holding his glamours when asleep didn't either.
Fuck.
They knew.
He reached an empty alcove and ran inside. He closed the curtain surrounding the tiny room and slumped down leaned against the wall. He pulled his knees up to his chest and clamped his arms protectively around them.
But he sort of had to because the alcove he had jumped into was so small.
He only just hid behind the curtain. The width of the small indentation in the wall was about the width of his shoulder and a half. It was long enough that it could fit two people but Harry pulled his legs up anyway.
He started to cry silent tears.
Fuck.
They knew.
The realisation only just sinking in. Maybe he could obliviate them all? No. No doubt Lupin had already contacted Dumbledore.
Fucking Dumbledore, who put him with the Dursleys in the first place and didn't check on him once.
The alcove was dark. Small. Cramped. It reminded him of something. Something that made him feel safe. Why? Why did he go here? The realisation dawned on him like a slap in the face.
It was just like his cupboard.
Fucking hell he must have had some mental problems to think where they locked him up and starved him was a safe place. Or was it? It wasn't crazy to come to the conclusion that if he was in there he was in less pain. When he thinks about it it makes more sense. Even though it kept him in, it also kept them out.
Harry was just coming to terms with all this information when he heard a voice he most definitely did not want to hear. The regal, haughty, drawl of one Draco Malfoy.
Harry held his breath.
This was a bad idea.
He heard a sneer filled laugh,
"Potter, that is not the best hiding spot."
Suddenly the curtain was pulled open and light flooded unwelcome into the alcove. Malfoy raised an eyebrow looking the same pompous ass as usual. Harry supposed some things never change. He crossed his arms and said,
"Well? What are you waiting for? You have the whole class looking for you."
Harry just shook his head. Malfoy sighed. He drawled,
"Come on, Potter. Don't think anyone took your ploy for attention seriously."
Harry stared up in curiosity. He said hopefully,
"Really? Do you think they'll believe that?"
Malfoy's face clouded in confusion. He said,
"Do you... want them to think you were attention seeking?"
Harry laughed coldly,
"Yeah. Of course. You probably don't care, and I know you don't believe me anyway, but back there. That boggart. Was my life."
Malfoy stared. His composure rocked. Then after a moment he straightened his face into a sneer and said,
"Well... Come on. I'm not dragging you out of there!"
Harry just crossed his arms and returned to looking at the inside of the alcove. Malfoy sighed and then did something very unexpected.
He sat.
With Harry.
In the cramped alcove.
With Harry.
Then he closed the curtains.
Malfoy lifted his knees to his own chest because there wasn't room for them both to lay them out comfortably. He analysed Harry for a moment before saying,
"Was it true? In class?"
His voice sounded quieter than normal. Curious. But also tentative.
It was like they were having a conversation.
Harry replied, his voice only just above a whisper,
"It was. I... didn't know how to get out of there without it seeming suspicious."
Malfoy looked unconvinced for a second before he said something in awe,
"You're... crying."
Harry's wiped away his tears and said angrily,
"Fuck."
Malfoy's eyes narrowed in worry. He said,
"So its... true? Who... was that?"
Harry spat,
"My uncle."
Malfoy stared for a moment before saying,
"You live with that pig?"
Harry nodded. He said,
"Its not like a I have a choice. Dumbledore said that there were blood wards or something so I couldn't leave."
Malfoy's mouth dropped open. He said childishly, well he was a child. Only 13. They both were. But Harry felt older than that with all he's been through.
"What? He just... left you there?"
He squeaked slightly. Harry nodded before saying,
"Never once checked up on me."
Malfoy's eyes only widened further before he said,
"I thought... I thought you lived in a mansion..."
Harry laughed. Malfoy didn't. He said shocked,
"Wait. You were being serious?"
Malfoy nodded. Harry leaned back into the wall of the alcove and let out a sigh. He said,
"I suppose I'd better tell someone about my life before I go."
"Go where?"
Malfoy asked curiously. Harry shrugged and said,
"Its not important now."
He coughed. Readying himself. The cough sent pain throbbing through his body as it vibrated through his obviously fractured ribs.
Fucking glamours.
"Once I tell you this you need to go to Dumbledore and ask about using a pensive to view this memory. Can you do that?"
Malfoy nodded and murmured back to him,
"Dumbledore, pensive, memory, got it."
Harry smiled lightly. He would miss his nemesis. He said,
"I expect after I have told you this you will let me leave because you're my enemy. You don't like me. You still don't like me? Don't you? I can't tell you this if you like me."
Malfoy shook his head and sneered,
"Just because of a boggart we're not suddenly best friends, Potter."
Harry nodded, feeling satisfied with that response. He said,
"Okay. Once I tell you everything you need to let me have ten minutes before you go straight to Dumbledore. No one else. And let him view the memory. I need someone to know what happened to me."
Malfoy cocked his head to the side,
"And why wouldn't you be able to tell them?"
Harry snorted,
"I'm leaving. I already told you that. Don't ask where but I can't stay here when everyone knows the truth. Do you understand? Can I trust you to go to him?"
Malfoy nodded,
"I will go to him and do as you say."
Harry smiled slightly. He said,
"Well... Here goes nothing. Tell Ron and Hermione I love them. Well... Dumbledore should do that when he watches this memory. I leave all my possessions to Ron and Hermione to be split equally."
Malfoy narrowed his eyes,
"Why do they get your possessions? Where are you going?"
Harry looked away from him and said quickly,
"I'm going to... Uh... Change my name. Move to France. And start a new life. Lets just say... I'll be gone forever."
Malfoy looked unconvinced but made a gesture for Harry to continue. He said,
"Well... My other goodbyes. I'd like to say goodbye to everyone in Griffindor. Uh... Sorry to the wizarding world for not defeating Voldemort for you. But... I gotta go. Um... Good luck with it all. Ah..."
Malfoy snorted,
"Good speech. Riveting. How long will you be gone for?"
Harry sighed, now looking in his lap,
"Forever. Anyway. Goodbye to the world... except France. So goodbye to everywhere except France. Um... Thanks to the Weasleys. For taking me in in some of the summers. Ah... Sorry to the Quidditch team, you probably won't be able to win with me gone at such short notice. Um... Say... Say sorry to Snape as well. I think I probably could have been nicer to him."
Harry paused. Malfoy's face was in shock. After a big breath he continued,
"Um... Fuck the Dursleys. You'll... Everyone... Will understand why after this. Actually. Malfoy. Maybe don't go to Dumbledore?"
Malfoy looked confused. Harry explained,
"Well... He seems like a bit of a manipulative bastard to be honest. Don't tell him I said so. But... he left me there... You know? He didn't even check up on me. Go see Snape instead. Okay?"
Malfoy nodded numbly. Harry continued with his goodbye speech,
"Say sorry to Hedwig... I uh... Won't be bringing her with me. I'm sure everyone will be really sad when I'm gone but... I don't want that. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I don't want the whole school to have some meltdown. And... Just for the record. This is in no way Malfoy's fault. I haven't been hypnotised or imperioed or anything. I've done this of my own accord and have been thinking about it for a while. Today was just... The last straw."
Malfoy nodded faintly. Harry continued,
"That seems like a good enough goodbye speech. Feel free to do what you want with it. Uh... Now I guess... Its time to... Reveal the truth about the Dursleys."
Harry took another breath and Malfoy noticed new tears were running down his cheeks. He didn't say anything. He instead simply tilted his head in curiosity. Harry began,
"I lived in a cupboard under the stairs for the first ten years of my life. I ate rarely. I was starved most of the time, probably why I'm so short. I never had presents. And until Hagrid came for me to take me to Hogwarts I didn't even know my birthday, let alone that I was a wizard."
Harry took another breath and ignored Malfoy's shocked expression,
"At the Dursleys I was forced to do manual labour everyday and chores unless I was... extremely injured or unconscious. I cooked, cleaned, gardened, washed, I was basically treated like a slave. I had no possessions of my own until Hogwarts. Lets see... Where to start. Dudley was... is... is my cousin and he constantly taunted me and beat me up a couple times. Not that bad. Petunia, my aunt, verbally abused me since I have been able to hear although she never herself became violent. She called me freak, scum, dirty, fuck face, worthless and a lot of more nasty names."
Harry paused. Thinking for a moment before he continued,
"My uncle was quite violent. Very violent. And I believe I may have used unconscious magic to heal myself on many occasions. I have been beaten, kicked, punched, cut, burned, whipped, poured boiling water onto, pushed down stairs, and most recently..."
He took a breath,
"Raped."
Malfoy gasped but Harry refused to look at him. He finished,
"The rape happened last summer. Only four times. It... Its hard to talk about."
Harry took a shaky breath and Malfoy just stared.
"That about covers all the abuse. Now I'll talk about a few other facts of my life which I need to be out there. Um... I'm gay. I guess that's a good a place to start as any. I wasn't gay by the rape though, or anything like that. I've known since last year. I know I'm only 13, and everyone who hears this is probably going to feel sorry for me... especially after what happens next... but I... I don't want pity, or guilt, or anything. I'm nothing but a freak. And I know that. Uh... What else is there to say?"
Malfoy continued to stare in shock. Harry took another shakier breath, new tears rolling down his cheeks. He said,
"I don't... blame anyone really. I don't hate anyone either. I don't... anything. You know? Its not anyone's fault that they didn't see this. I used glamours for the bruises, unconsciously at first, but managed to perfect them... Its not... Anyone's fault is all I want to say. The only person I really blame is Dumbledore because he's a prick, but... Even then its not his fault.
I'm not like everyone thinks. I wasn't even meant to be in Griffindor. The hat told me Slytherin but I was scared and I said Griffindor. I'm not really the Boy Who Lived. I'm just a kid who get protected by his mother and wishes every day that he could die instead... I mean... Go to France. Just get away. I don't really want to die. That was... Nah.
Well... There isn't much left to say except I'm sorry. To everyone. For abandoning everyone, and going to France. I just... can't deal with it if they look at me like that. But everyone knows now so I finally have an excuse to leave. I guess this means Voldemort wins. So... sorry about that."
Harry laughed emptily. He said the thing he had been dreading,
"I suppose... Someone will need... evidence. Even when I'm gone... To know the truth... So... I'll remove my glamours so you can see... Just for a second... Sorry if I look a bit... uh... beat up."
Then after three seconds Harry removed his glamours. Suddenly his face was covered in bruises and welts. Obvious scarring. Malfoy stared. Harry lifted off his shirt and he saw new wounds oozing blood. Harry turned and showed him the scars on his back and Malfoy gasped again,
"Oh my."
Suddenly the glamours reappeared and Harry put his shirt back on. The blood that Malfoy had seen on the shirt disappeared as well. Harry gulped and Malfoy placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. He said,
"I'm sorry."
Harry just shook his head,
"It wasn't..."
Harry didn't finish the sentence. He stood and finished, opening the curtains,
"I should go... Uh..."
Finally Harry said,
"Thanks for this Malfoy... I'll uh... miss you."
Malfoy blushed and said quietly,
"I'll miss you too. I mean... no one else really..."
He trailed off and Harry smiled and said,
"I understand. Remember. Give me a ten minutes head start. Sorry to be a burden. Tell everyone... I'm sorry."
Then Harry turned away from the alcove and ran to the Astronomy Tower.
After five minutes Malfoy lost patience.
He ran to Snape's classroom mid-lesson. The teacher glared at him but Malfoy simply said, out of breath,
"Its important."
The other students stared as Snape quickly walked out of the room. He said, a new worry in his tone,
"What is it?"
Malfoy said, eyes wide,
"Its Potter. Do you have a pensive?"
Snape nodded. Malfoy continued,
"Well... We need to go to it. I have a memory to show you. Potter said to show you... I'm... ah... worried."
Snape lifted an eyebrow but showed Malfoy to his office anyway. He slid his pensive from its hiding spot and extracted the memory. Then, with Malfoy, he placed his head into the silvery liquid.
He watched with a growing sense of dread and the moment Potter started to talk about leaving for good he pushed himself out, taking Malfoy with him. Malfoy stared,
"He said to watch the whole-"
"No time to talk. I fear Potter is suicidal."
Malfoy's world froze.
Harry stood at the edge finally letting his emotions rein free. For years he's let them settle. He's pushed them away. He's said 'I'm fine' 'It doesn't matter' 'I'll be okay'. Harry had let himself become numb and accepting. Just accepting everything life threw at him.
Now he felt alive.
For the first time in a long time he didn't feel like a robot. He didn't feel like an empty shell of a person who was forced like a puppet to be everyone's slave.
He didn't have to be the Boy Who Lived.
He didn't have to be Freak.
He didn't have to be anyone's friend.
Anyone's hero.
Anyone's enemy.
Harry was just Harry. Harry was free. And for the first time he can remember he had a feeling that everything would be okay. He could jump and it would be over. He could fly for the last time with no broom. He could go to heaven, if such a place existed, or simply bask in the black nothingness of death.
Harry had a choice for once.
This step. This jump. This flying leap was his choice. He could turn back around and go to the common room and no one would be any the wiser. He could actually go to France.
But he didn't want to.
Harry wanted to break free of his shackles and rise like a phoenix out of the ashes. He could finally rise like that sacred bird.
He could finally see his parents again. He could apologise and then they could live as one happy family in the afterlife. But, if there wasn't an afterlife he could just feel content knowing he would be free.
He took a deep breath as he looked around him. He was cold, thin and frail. He was weak, bruised and injured. His feet were burning slightly at the sensation of the ice cold stone of the Astronomy Tower balcony. The wind whipped his hair around as if he were already flying. His heart beat slowed as a sense of cruel calm washed over him.
The fear and pain was not gone. It consumed him. But, underneath that was a gentle calm, rising up around him. Harry knew that if he jumped that calm would consume him. There was no fear of death for him. There was only a sense of selfishness. How would the others see him? Would they be disappointed? Would they be sad because he had decided to no longer be their puppet?
For some reason Harry felt that the only person he would miss would be Malfoy.
He reasoned it was because Malfoy always made him feel alive. Made his heart beat. Made the numbness end. Even Ron and Hermione didn't know the real him. They probably wouldn't like him if they did. They wouldn't like the pain. The anger. The depression. The darkness.
They wouldn't like the hidden evil that surrounded him.
They would miss him, but not him. They would miss the role he played but he would soon be replaced.
Harry took another deep breath, analysing himself in fascination as his lungs filled. As that feeling filled him further. That deadly calm.
He closed his eyes.
Put his hands by his sides.
Let the hatred fill him for the last time.
And...
Jumped.
Snape and Malfoy ran as quickly as they could although they weren't sure where they were going. Where could Potter have gone? How could he have tried? Somehow they both wordlessly settled on seeing the Headmaster. It was the only place they really could go.
Snape was determined yet scornful. Another dive at attention... Kind of? Because if what Potter was saying was real... He pushed it aside. Suicidal or not he had to find the brat and set him straight. He didn't even know about the prophecy yet. He didn't even know what his death would do to the wizarding world.
Malfoy followed Snape with a sharp fear coiling in his bones. He still remembered how those words seemed to ricochet through his mind.
Suicidal.
Suicidal.
Suicidal.
Suicidal.
Suicidal.
Potter. Potter was a constant. Potter was always there. Potter was always an arrogant prick who deserved to be insulted. Potter was his enemy. He shouldn't feel bad for his enemy. He should feel anger. Resentment. Jealousy. Hatred.
Never sympathy.
But what Potter told him. From what he saw with the Boggart, Malfoy had expected his uncle to lash him with the belt once every now and again. Punish him for extreme bad behaviour. It was still unseemly but it wasn't...
Torture.
They ran.
They had to run.
They had to fix this.
It didn't matter that Potter was Malfoy's enemy. It didn't matter that he hated Potter. Did he? He didn't know. He had always thought he hated Potter but he has never really hated anyone.
Not hated.
Disliked. Detested. Avoided. Condemned. Insulted. Bullied. Berated. Offended. Shunned. Resented. Scorned. Deplored. Annoyed. Feared.
Never hated.
And Malfoy could see it then. It was as clear as day. He had never hated Potter. Sure, he had been jealous. He had been hurt. He had disliked him but underneath all of that there had never been hatred. There had never been that feeling of uncontrollable hatred. There had always been something that stopped him from feeling that. Always something blocking it. Something unknown.
And suddenly Malfoy knew what it was.
It was love.
And fuck did the universe pick a crappy time to tell him.
They arrived at Dumbledore's office too late.
Their conversation took too long.
Dumbledore's magic wasn't fast enough.
They didn't run fast enough.
Snape didn't realise early enough in the memory.
Malfoy didn't realise at all in the conversation.
Dumbledore had a hard time believing them.
Overall.
They were too late.
And the price they paid was the body of Harry Potter at the bottom of the Astronomy Tower.
Dumbledore levitated the body up up up to the Astronomy floor. Tradition was to leave it in the place it died for a day, he felt Harry truly died before he even jumped.
He would have to tell the school tomorrow.
Snape walked away from it numb, not believing what he saw. That boy, that boy who he had hated so long hadn't died. He... couldn't have. That boy with Lily's eyes. That boy with Snape's pain. That boy with the world on his shoulders. He and Dumbledore had shared a worried look What about the prophecy? Snape was confused when Malfoy sobbed but thought nothing of it. He couldn't really compete because he was crying over the last of Lily's mistreated resemblance.
Snape blamed himself and watched the whole memory.
Malfoy sat by the body the whole night, crying silent tears. He had only just realised he loved Potter. He had only just dug through his layers of scorn to reach that feeling. He had only just thought that maybe he didn't have to be so heartless.
He was proved wrong.
Malfoy sobbed by his still body that night not caring what the teachers thought. Malfoy curled up on himself and thought back onto the conversation. He hadn't seen it. Why the fuck hadn't he seen it?
He blamed a lot of things because there were a lot of things to blame.
He blamed the Dursleys.
He blamed Lupin.
He blamed the Boggart.
He blamed Dumbledore.
He blamed himself.
He blamed the whole fucking wizarding world.
But most of all he blamed the universe. The fucking universe that tortured Harry, hid Malfoy's feelings, and then showed him at the worst possible moment. Whoever created the place better have a damn good excuse for killing Draco Malfoy's love, because he was sure as hell going to make them pay.
If it was god he would kill god. If it was science he would kill science. If it was some fucking giant turtle then he would sure as hell kill the turtle. Whoever it was. Whoever fucked with his life was going to pay.
Small problem.
Malfoy didn't exactly know the secrets of the universe.