"What if he was the one? What if I never find another boy who will like me?" she buried her face in her hands as tears began to trickle down her cheeks.
It was the middle of the night and Kathryn was about to go to bed when the doorbell had rung.
When Kathryn had opened the door a little over an hour ago, the last thing she expected to see was a tear-stained Naomi Wildman asking to talk. She was shivering and hysterical about some boy named Stanley who broke up with her only a few hours before. Now they sat on the couch under blankets, talking in Kathryn's dimly lit house.
"Now I think you're being a bit over dramatic. You are beautiful, smart, and funny. I don't think any boy with half a brain would turn you away. The key is finding the right boy," Kathryn said.
"You sound like my mother," Naomi scoffed.
"Speaking of your mother, have you tried talking to her?"
"I've tried….it's just, you're so easy to talk to. There's no judgment, it's different with her,"
"I don't think your mother would judge you, Naomi. But I'm glad you felt safe coming and talking to me,"
"I really think I loved him…..love him," Naomi said, her voice cracking with the realization of her own words.
"I know… I was your age once. Young love is….so special but so many times it's fleeting. You're both just growing up and learning so much about the world, everything is so brand new. You'll look back on your time with him fondly. Someday, when you find the right guy…everything else will pale in comparison. This boy didn't sound like he respected you very much, but maybe, in time, you'll come to see that there are other boys far more deserving of you. He'll come to his senses and see how idiotic he was for letting you go in the first place. I suspect, however, that by the time he does, you'll already be with someone better. Trust me, either way, you'll get through this," Kathryn said.
Naomi was silent, taking in everything Kathryn was saying and trying with all her might to stop her tears.
"I remember the first boy I ever loved. I mean really truly loved," Kathryn said.
"What was his name?" Naomi asked.
"Justin Tighe," she paused for a moment as the images of his smile came back, the look in his eyes when she'd enter a room, or the sound of him calling her name.
"He was sweet and caring and handsome. Before him, I hadn't felt such an instant, powerful connection with another person. My relationship with him was what defined romantic love for me. It separated all of the boys before him into a sort of dalliance category, they were nowhere near as meaningful,"
"What happened?" Naomi said, her genuine curiosity momentarily distracting her broken heart.
"There was an accident, he umm….he didn't make it," she neglected to mention that her father hadn't either, that she was the only one who had. It haunted her, no matter how much time had passed. She still felt the dull ache of guilt surround her like an old friend, but she wouldn't feed into it, not now, not anymore. She shook the thoughts and refocused on the teenage girl in front of her.
"I'm so sorry Aunt Kathryn. I…I don't know what to say," Naomi said, realizing that some of her problems were so small in comparison.
"It's alright. It was a long time ago. The point is that after he passed away, I thought that I would never find anyone, that I would live the rest of my life alone. I was only twenty-three years old, I had my whole life ahead of me and I had already given up," Kathryn said sadly.
"What changed?" She asked.
"I met Mark. Well…met him again. We had known each other as children but slowly drifted apart after high school. After Justin died, he came back to see me. He was one of the people who helped me pick up the pieces. He put me back together,"
She paused as new memories filled her mind. How they would have intellectual conversations with each other, how he would make her breakfast in the morning after a long night of not talking at all, and how incredibly gentle he was, at least when she needed him to be.
"He was so different from Justin, but he was everything I needed: stable, loving, patient. I could've married him, I could've been happy being his wife, but it wasn't in the cards,"
"Weren't you two engaged for a while? Why didn't you get married before?"
"I've asked myself that so many times. There were what seemed to be a multitude of reasons at the time, all of which are utterly stupid looking back. He…he never pushed me. Sometimes I need to be pushed. His patience was what I needed at first, but after a while, it was what held us back. He would never put his foot down, he would wait. I liked that, but it allowed me to push it so far back that it never happened. If he had been more assertive, and if I hadn't been so closed off maybe we would've married. But we shouldn't focus on the past, what's done is done,"
"Thank you for telling me all this. I never knew you'd been through so much," Naomi said, taking Kathryn's hand.
"It's ok. Everything happens for a reason,"
"So what's the reason you never got with Chakotay?" Naomi said with a raised eyebrow and curious smile.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kathryn tried so hard to conceal whatever she felt for that man, but it rarely worked.
"I may have been young on Voyager, but anyone with two eyes could have seen the chemistry between you two. I was so confused when he started dating Seven. I was sure that you two would get together when we got home,"
Kathryn almost scoffed 'you and me both' she said to herself.
"Chakotay and I…We never…that whole situation was…is massively complicated," Kathryn stuttered.
"But you loved him?" Naomi asked with a gentle smile.
Kathryn thought for a moment. Of course, she loved him, that was overtly clear, but should she say it out loud? She never had before spoken of her feelings for Chakotay, never put them into words.
"Yes…yes, I loved him," the words left her mouth without another thought, practically rolling off her tongue.
'Love him, you love him Kathryn, and he abandoned you for someone half your age,' she said to herself, and her stomach dropped.
"How about we get back to the subject of your romantic troubles. We've talked about my love life for too long,"
Naomi noticed Kathryn's level of discomfort on the subject of Chakotay and decided not to push it too far.
"Okay…well, there is this other guy. I think he might like me as more than just a friend," Naomi said with a shy smile.
"See? New prospects already. Why don't you tell me about him," Kathryn said, relieved the subject had shifted.
After the two had talked for another hour, both found it increasingly difficult to keep their eyes open and soon they drifted into a deep sleep on the couch in Kathryn's living room.
"Knock, knock! Honey, I'm home!" Phoebe said teasingly.
Her entrance pulled the two from their sleep. Before either had their eyes completely open, Phoebe pushed back the curtain on the large window that faced them, exposing the bright sunlight and making them squint.
"Get up you lazy lumps," Phoebe shouted, making her way to the kitchen.
"Good morning to you too!" Kathryn shouted back groggily.
Kathryn looked to her left over at Naomi.
"Naomi, allow me to introduce you to my younger, and slightly peculiar, sister Phoebe,"
Phoebe entered the room at hearing her own name.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Naomi," she said standing and holding out her right hand to shake.
"Voyager's firstborn. The last time I saw you, you were much smaller. You've gotten so gorgeous, you've got to tell me your secret," Phoebe said, taking her hand and shaking it.
Naomi laughed and shook her head.
"She gets it from her mother," Kathryn said, smiling right at Naomi.
"What are you doing here Pheebs?" Kathryn asked, stretching her back after an uncomfortable night on the couch.
"Don't tell me you forgot?" Phoebe said putting her hands on her hips.
"Oh my God," Kathryn said in realization.
"Mmmmhmmm," Phoebe shook her head.
"The party. It's tonight," Kathryn said.
"Yes and you told me to clear the day so we could both get ready," Phoebe said.
"What party?" Naomi asked.
"A party for a colleague, an admiral. He's retiring and they're throwing a huge celebration in his honor. Everyone's going to be there," Kathryn explained.
"And she's letting me be her plus one," Phoebe noted.
"Sounds like fun," Naomi said.
"Well your welcome to come along, we're about to go pick out something to wear and get all fixed up," Phoebe suggested.
"I don't know. Wouldn't it be rude since I wasn't invited,"
"Nonsense, since sissy her is a big shot admiral I'm sure it'll be fine,"
Kathryn shot Phoebe a glare at her remarks, but Phoebe ignored her.
"Really, are you sure?" Naomi asked.
This time Kathryn cut in.
"Of course, you're welcome to join us. But call your mother and see if it's alright with her first,"
Naomi's smile grew in a split second, and she immediately ran over to contact her mother, leaving the two sisters to chat for a moment.
"Ya know, I've been hearing that a certain captain might make an appearance tonight…without his little blonde borg,"
"Stop it, Phoebe. Annika is a friend,"
"A friend who stole the love of your life. A friend whom you haven't seen or spoken to in months and owe nothing,"
"It doesn't matter," Kathryn said.
"Yes, it does Kathryn. From what I've heard, she's out of the picture for good. That means you've got a chance. So tonight, I say you go for it. Show him how stupid he was to ever date that toddler in the first place," Phoebe said confidently.
Kathryn almost lost it at the toddler remark but managed to keep her composure.
"You should really stop reading those gossip columns. He's probably still with her," Kathryn retorted.
"I didn't read this in a gossip column. Alright, I did, but I followed up and called B'Elanna. Sweet woman, a bit angry, but she said that it was true and that he's single,"
"You just called up my former chief engineer to gossip about my…. Former first officer?"
"Yup," Phoebe nodded.
"Are you insane?" Kathryn said angrily.
"Without a doubt, but get this; she also said he's been asking about you a lot. Even Asking if you've been seeing anyone,"
"He has?" she asked in disbelief as an unexpected smile crept up.
"He has! See? God, it's just like high school, a boy likes you and now your all giddy and blushing,"
"Am not!" Kathryn said defensively.
"Oh, you so are. And after everything you deserve to be happy; with him. But the likelihood that it will happen decreases significantly if you show up in baggy PJs with grey roots,"
"I do not have grey roots," Kathryn said, bringing her hand to the top of her head.
"I was actually tempted to call you Gretchen when I walked in," Phoebe teased.
"Stop that!" Kathryn yelled.
"Are you sure it's not your retirement party we're going to," Phoebe joked.
"Oh you're so dead," Kathryn ran to the couch and grabbed a pillow, quickly throwing it at her sisters head, missing only by a few inches.
"See, your aim is way off. Out of practice big sis,"
"you haven't seen me shoot a real phaser little sis," Kathryn shot back.
"Hey, my mom said it's ok to go with you guys," Naomi interrupted.
"That's great. How about some breakfast before we go shopping?" Kathryn said.
"Sounds good," Phoebe shouted, running towards the kitchen.
"None for you. I don't cook for mean sisters who make fun of my roots,"
"Fine, I ate before I came. So worth it," Phoebe teased, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
The three of them ate and laughed until they cried. By the time everyone settled Kathryn went off to get changed out of her PJs and into regular clothes.
"What did you two do last night?" Phoebe asked.
"I came over to talk with aunt Kathryn…about boy stuff," Naomi said, looking down at her hands in her lap.
"Boy stuff huh? Brings back memories. Did my sister talk about her own boy troubles?"
"Yeah, a little, but not much about the most recent one," Naomi said.
"So you know about how she feels for Chakotay?" Phoebe asked. It had taken her months to get Kathryn to tell her anything about why she was so upset.
"Who doesn't know?" Naomi laughed.
They both chuckled. After a pause, Phoebe spoke again.
"I wonder if she still writes those stupid letters,"
"What letters?" Naomi asked.
"Ever since we were little, she would write a letter about the boy she was dating,"
"She did?" Naomi asked.
"Yup. She said it was therapeutic or something I don't know," Phoebe said.
"Where does she write them?"
Phoebe leaned over the table to see if Kathryn was near. She then got up and walked over to the console.
"Come here," she said to Naomi.
The two sat at the console as Phoebe started fiddling around with it. Within the minute she was in.
"Oh Kathryn, so smart yet so simple. She hasn't changed any of her codes since junior year,"
"And here they are. She must have deleted the others. The only ones on here are…Justin, Mark, and you know who," Phoebe said.
"And she writes these letters to them, but never sends them?" Naomi asked, confused by the concept.
"Exactly. Me? I always just say what I'm feeling. Like right now I'm feeling that I should go find Kathryn and see what's taking her so long to get dressed. I'll be back,"
Naomi looked at the console and took a deep breath.
"This better work or else I'm so dead," she muttered.
She quickly constructed two messages. One was to Mark, she attached his letter to the message and hit send. Then she did the same for Chakotay. She figured sending a message to Mark would increase Kathryn's chances at getting one of them to reply positively. Maybe if things don't work with Chakotay, they will with Mark or vice versa. Naomi looked at the letter made out to Justin and hoped that he left this existence knowing how much Kathryn loved him. By just the first few sentences she knew he must have.
June 13th, 2357
Dear Justin,
Every time you look me in the eyes, you say you see your future. I laugh and roll my eyes, but deep down it gives me butterflies. You are my everything, there aren't words that could convey my love for you. Last night I told you that and I asked you to marry me. You started laughing and said that of course, it would be me who asked seeing as I was never one to do things by the book. You said that you love that about me, that you love everything about me. It wasn't the first time I had heard someone say they loved me, but it was the first time that I believed it.
Naomi had to stop the tears, she wouldn't have an explanation for them If Kathryn caught her crying. The letter went on for another page talking about the future she had envisioned with him, the children they would have and the house they would get. She heard the two women coming in from the next room, laughing hysterically at something. Naomi quickly closed all of the letters and the messages. She ran back to her seat at the table and waited for them to come in.
"Ready to go?" Kathryn asked.
Naomi simply nodded and the three walked out the door.