What Would Happen?
What would happen if I apologised to everyone I've ever wronged. Would it make no difference at all? Is "sorry" just a word, that doesn't really mean anything? Or does it have healing powers, the way Astoria seems to think it does. She tells me if I can apologise, at least in my head, to all the people I've hurt, and forgive myself, then I'll be able to finally escape the guilt and regret that plague me. I've always just ignored her, believing that nothing can possible heal me, but I wonder whether perhaps she's right.
I may have messed things up with Astoria. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I'm just so stupid and idiotic that I said a lot of things I didn't mean, and now she's gone. I never wanted to hurt her, and I wish I could tell her that. Perhaps I will. Perhaps I'll be able to build up the courage to go and apologise to her, something I've never done before in my life.
I don't know if I'm going to be brave enough, though. I don't know if I'll just end up messing it up and making everything even worse. Perhaps I should practice first. That's why I'm writing this down in the little notebook she gave me for my birthday. I hope that perhaps if I can apologise to everyone else first – not in real life, but at least on paper – then it might be a little easier when I come to the most important apology I will make in my life.
Alright, here goes …