Wrote this in like 2011 and never published it-just found it so I'm publishing it now. Sorry not sorry for any rough parts, I totally don't have the energy to revise it haha.
August 1st, 2007
My whole stomach was in knots.
The clock in the corner of my laptop screen ticked away the minutes as I laid in my bed in my college dorm room, slumped against a pile of pillows with a fan blowing on my face to counter the August heat. Listening to the sounds of birds and children playing that were coming in through the open window, I lazily refreshed my Facebook page, bored and looking for anything to occupy myself with other than the time.
Tick, tick, tick.
"Hey, Taichi," came Yamato's voice, breaking the silence from where he was sitting bent over a textbook at his desk across the room.
"Yeah?" I looked up, welcoming the distraction.
"Are you sure you wanna go tonight?" He swiveled his chair around to face me. "You've been moping around all day, maybe it would be better if you stayed home."
"Yes, I'm sure I wanna go," I shot back. "I'm fine, it's been a month, and I think I can handle myself in public." I was lying. I wasn't fine and I definitely didn't think I could handle myself in public, but there was absolutely no way I wasn't going to go.
"Okay, alright," said Yamato, raising his hands to indicate that he wasn't going to fight me. "I trust you. I'm just trying to look out for your well being is all."
I sighed.
"I know you are," I softened my tone. "Thank you."
"Sure thing," he swiveled back to his textbook.
I turned back to my own computer and sighed softly again.
It was exactly 6:00. In roughly 40 minutes, Yamato and I would be leaving our building and traveling across town to the same corner restaurant in Odaiba that we always went to on Digimon Memorial Day and spend the evening hanging out and reminiscing with our friends. Usually, I'm excited. Normally, it's my favorite day of the year. Typically, I look forward to commemorating our first trip to the Digital World and how that particular August 1st eight years ago changed all of our lives.
Not this year.
Not even a little bit.
Going up against the Dark Masters again sounded easier than attending the Memorial Day reunion today.
It was hard to believe that it had already been a month. That seemed crazy-it still felt like it was last week that Koushiro and I were going out on dates, staying up late playing videogames, discussing our plans for the future, and hooking up in his new apartment. It was still so bizarre and surreal to me that we would never do those things together again. It felt like he was on an extended vacation somewhere or something and that eventually he would come home and we'd settle back into our routine. The last thing it felt like was that he had suddenly broken up with me in my car one night with no explanation. But there you go, I guess.
I tried getting in contact with him for a while after it happened, but he ignored all my calls and texts. When Koushiro doesn't want to get emotional, he won't, and no one can make him. Not that I'm the best at handling my emotions either, but at least I'll try. God. After a week of getting his voicemail, I finally gave up and decided instead to do what most people do when they've had a traumatic break up and need to feel like they're in control: I went out, I got wasted, and I went home with strangers. Men, women, it didn't matter, I didn't really care. Anyone who found me attractive enough to sleep with, really, which wasn't very hard. I knew it was dumb and probably really self-destructive and not actually going to fix anything, but I didn't know what else to do. The only time I felt even a little bit okay was when I was drunk and forgetting about Koushiro with someone else's body.
The Memorial Day reunion tonight was going to be my first time seeing Koushiro since he dumped me, and as painful as it was going to be to see him, and I was hellbent on getting an answer out of him. That is, if he went. Yamato said that Sora said that Mimi said that he was definitely going, but part of me was scared he would crap out at the last second. It was unlikely that he would miss Memorial Day though, none of us ever did. Mimi even flew in from America during the years she lived there to be with us on August 1st. I was sure he'd be there. He had to be. I needed him to be.
Anyway.
6:30 finally rolled around. I got up and went to my closet and put on a different shirt. I picked one that I knew Koushiro liked because it was a little tighter and showed off my body. I thought that maybe it was manipulative, to wear a shirt I knew he found sexy, but he really deserved to be reminded of what he gave up. I went to the bathroom and brushed my hair, even though it didn't really help, and also brushed my teeth for good measure. Not that I was planning on kissing him or anything, but still. I didn't want to have disgusting teeth when speaking to him for the first time in a month.
When I came back in the room, Yamato was standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Ready," I said, picking up my wallet and shoving it in my pocket.
"Should we drive or take the subway?"
"I'll drive," I unhooked my keys from their place on the wall. "It's easier."
"Sounds good," he said. "Nice shirt," he added, looking me up and down and smirking at me.
"Shut up, dick," I playfully shoved him sideways and we walked out the door.
The air conditioning in the car couldn't quite cut the humidity in the air as we drove downtown. On the the opposite side of the horizon, dark grey clouds were forming, blocking the brilliant golds and pinks of the setting sun. I couldn't remember if we had closed our window before leaving. I hoped we did. I didn't want to have a shitty night seeing Koushiro and also come home to a rain soaked bed.
"Taichi," Yamato said suddenly, interrupting the silence. "I think you need to stop sleeping around."
"What?" I accidentally jerked the steering wheel, almost driving us off the road. "Why? And how did you know I was doing that!?"
"You're my best friend, we live together, and I'm not stupid," he said coolly. "Usually if someone doesn't sleep in their bed at home, it's because they've found a different one to sleep in, and I know it's not Koushiro's anymore, so."
"Hmmph," I conceded, regaining my composure.
"I mean it, you've really gone crazy," Yamato continued. "And as much as I'm sure you think it's helping you, I don't think that it is."
"Yeah, maybe," I looked out the window. "Whatever, it's my life, I can do whatever I want."
"Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should," Yamato immediately retorted. "How do you think Koushiro would feel if he knew?"
"I don't care how Koushiro feels," I said, raising my voice. "He's not my boyfriend and he obviously doesn't care about how I feel."
"I really don't think that's true," said Yamato. "But in any case, consider taking a vacation from your sexual adventures, alright? Just for a couple weeks at least."
"...I'll think about it," I said. "Thanks for your input."
"Sure," said Yamato.
We drove the rest of the way in silence, not because I was mad, but because I was trying to stay in control of myself and mentally prepare for the evening. I didn't really have a plan for how I was going to approach Koushiro and make him talk to me. I didn't want to attack him in front of everyone else and make a total scene, but I also wanted to make sure I had him in a place where he couldn't get away and he would be forced to give me some fucking answers. I thought that snagging him on the way out was probably my best option, assuming he didn't leave early. I supposed I would just have to feel it out and go for the kill when I saw an opportunity.
We found a parking space about half a block down the street from the place. When I stepped out of the car, I stopped.
"You cool, man?" Yamato asked, watching me steady myself with the door handle.
"Yeah," I said, straightening up. I had fought victoriously for the fate of two worlds. Seeing my ex-boyfriend should be cake. "Crest of courage, remember?" I smiled weakly.
"Yeah," Yamato nodded.
The five minute walk to the restaurant seemed to go by in five seconds and suddenly, we were entering the building, the smell of hot food and Thursday night noise flooding my senses.
We were the last ones to arrive. Everyone else was already sitting at our usual circular table near the back of the restaurant. My heart jolted at the sight of the back of Koushiro's bright red head between Mimi and Takeru and was I grateful that I wouldn't have to sit next to him. Yamato and I weaved our way between tables and Mimi's sudden scream made it clear that we had reached our destination.
"Yamato-san! Taichi-san!" she shrieked, jumping up and pulling us both into a tight hug. "I'm so happy to see you both!"
"It's good to see you too, Mimi-chan," I grinned, feeling myself start to relax. Mimi really knew how to make a person feel welcomed.
"It'll be even better when you stop choking us," Yamato said, squirming to get free from Mimi's grip.
"Oh-sorry!" she squealed, and let us go.
I straightened up and surveyed the circular table. Sora was sitting to Mimi's left, and she must have been saving the empty seat next to her for Yamato. Next to that was Jou, and then another empty chair between him and my sister, who was sitting next to Takeru. And next to Takeru-
"Hello," came a small voice that I knew too well. Before I could think, my eyes were immediately drawn to the source. Koushiro had turned in his chair and was looking up at me with his big, dark eyes.
He was still so beautiful, maybe even more lovely than I had remembered.
I wanted to die.
"Hey, Koushiro, long time, no talk, huh?" I said without smiling, hoping he could hear the biting sarcasm in my voice.
"How are you?" he asked, ignoring my comment.
"Oh, great," I said. "I'd-"
"Onii-chan, I saved you a spot," came Hikari's melodic voice, cutting me off.
"Huh-" I looked back at Koushiro who was looking up at me, his expression unreadable. Without saying anything, I squeezed my way around the table and sat down next to Hikari. I looked back at Koushiro again. He was staring at his drink glass, his eyebrows slightly creased. I knew he was thinking and I wondered if I was getting under his skin yet. Whatever it was, I really hoped he was suffering.
"Are you okay?" whispered Hikari, looking concerned. "I wanted to call you this afternoon, but Gatomon accidentally knocked my phone in the toilet a few days ago and I haven't gotten a new one yet."
"Yes," I hissed back, "Mind your own business." I knew she meant well, but I really didn't want to be treated like a crazy person all night.
She eyed me suspiciously but didn't say anything else.
"Now that we're all here," said Jou, "I say we start ordering drinks and appetizers. What does everyone want?"
"Hell yeah!" exclaimed Takeru, eagerly opening a drink menu.
"You're not old enough to drink yet!" Yamato frowned and snatched the menu out of his little brother's hands.
Jou flagged down a waitress and began putting in everyone's orders.
"...One house beer for the blonde guy, two cokes for the high schoolers, and… Taichi-san, did you want anything?"
"Um-no, thanks, I'm okay," I said.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'll just take a water."
I had consciously chosen to drive tonight to prevent myself from drinking. I had enough common sense to know that even though I was enjoying my drunk weekends at the club, tonight probably wasn't a good night to get wasted.
The food arrived and soon we all sank into happy conversation. We didn't all see each other as much now that most of us had graduated high school and started college. There were smaller groups that hung out pretty consistently, but we rarely got all eight of us together like this. I was kinda disappointed that I was so preoccupied with Koushiro to fully enjoy the moment; I really loved when we were all in the same space. It felt like home.
As the night went on, I felt myself calming down a little bit. Koushiro wasn't saying much, he usually only spoke in the group when he had something he really wanted to say, so I started taking advantage of his silence and extroverting myself. I wanted him to be reminded of how fun I was and miss hanging out with me.
"Let's all share our most embarrassing moments from the DigiWorld!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Hikari, you're first."
"Oh no," she groaned, "I don't know! I'm so bad at this game."
"I know," smirked Yamato across the table. "Remember the fight between LadyDevimon and Angewoman?"
"How was that embarrassing for me?"
"It wasn't, I just wanted to remember that."
"Yamato! Gross!" Sora exclaimed, looking scandalized.
Yamato shrugged, the devious smile still on his face.
Koushiro laughed at Sora and Hikari. "I'm fairly certain that was the moment I realized I would never be intimate with a woman," he said, still smiling. "I was so horrified."
Everyone laughed, and I tried to force myself to join them, but I was suddenly feeling sick.
"Taichi-san," giggled Mimi, looking at me from across the table and sipping a fruity looking pink drink. "When was that moment for you?"
Hot anger instantly began bubbling in my stomach. How dare she even think about asking me that?
"Don't put me in a box, Mimi-chan, I've slept with girls, too. I'm not exclusively into dudes," I said dismissively, refusing to let myself be associated with Koushiro like that.
I saw his head shoot up across the table as Mimi gasped. "What?" She turned and looked at an equally shocked Sora, who immediately shook her head. Apparently my bisexuality was news to just about everyone at the table. "Since when?"
"Since… I don't know, since now, whatever-"
"Wait, you have a new girlfriend?"
"No, just casual stuff, I go out sometimes and-"
"But I thought that you said that you completely converted after you and Koushiro first had se-"
"This conversation is over," I snapped, raising my voice. If she wanted to ask me about my childhood sexual awakening, whatever, who cares, but to ask me about Koushiro? I couldn't fucking believe it. "Yes, I've fucked women," I continued aggressively, "Yes, I've also fucked men, and yes, I use to fuck Koushiro, too." I shot a cold glance at him. He began turning red and looked down at his lap and I didn't feel sorry at all. "If anyone else has anything they want to ask me about my sex life, they can talk to me privately." Not waiting to see who would awkwardly try to change the subject, I kicked my chair aside and stalked out of the restaurant.
I didn't stop walking once I got outside. Rage was pulsing through my entire body. I wanted to choke Mimi. I turned the corner and went down the street, feeling the muggy air cloud into my lungs and started wishing it would choke me instead. Anything to help me forget what was happening.
Just when I had decided to find a liquor store, I heard my name.
"Taichi-san! Wait up!"
I turned around.
"Takeru-?"
He sprinted, catching up with me. Of all the Chosen Children, Takeru was my last bet for who would be the one to chase me down. Yamato or Hikari or maybe even Sora, but not Takeru. For a second I debated walking away from him, but I really wanted to know he could possibly be thinking of saying to me.
"Look," he said, catching his breath, "Mimi feels terrible-"
"Then why isn't she out here apologizing?" I snapped.
"Because I told her I wanted to talk to you," he said. He had the same calm voice that Yamato always used on me when he thought I was being ridiculous. Annoying. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," I scoffed. "Perfect. I'm having a great time."
"Taichi-san," He looked up at me with his blue eyes. "You know you're like my second big brother, right?"
"Yes," I said gruffly.
"And you know I look up to you basically just as much as I do Yamato, right?"
"Yes," I repeated, not sure why he was telling me that.
"Well, you're really disappointing me right now."
"What?"
"Come on, you're the most confident, fearless, headstrong person I know-nothing phases you. No matter how tough or challenging things are, you always find a way to win." He was looking at me with so much sincerity that I instantly started feeling terrible about how I was acting.
"I guess..." I mumbled.
"So what's wrong with you? We've all been trying really hard to be sensitive to your situation with Koushiro. Sure, Mimi made a mistake, but that's not a reason to bite all our heads off." He took a breath and kept going. "No one in there is your enemy, not even Koushiro. I know it's been hard to lose him as a boyfriend, but where's the stubborn strong will that I've always admired?"
Now I really felt like shit.
"I don't know," I said. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize," he said. "Just come back inside, okay?. Seriously, it's not a party without the leader, and it's no fun if you're not having fun too." He added with a smile. Ugh, that kid. I sighed.
"Takeru?"
"Yeah?"
"I really, really want to punch you in the face, but I won't. Thanks."
He laughed. "Anytime."
Dinner resumed normally when we got back inside, and the rest of the evening wasn't as weird as it probably should've been. I was grateful that I was with a group of people who had seen worse emotional outbursts from me. Somehow I managed to put Koushiro out of my mind despite the fact that he was still sitting at the table, politely ignored him when he spoke, and stayed on my best behavior.
I was determined to make it through the rest of the night without any more problems.