It's been 21 days since it started. It's always the same, except for the very first time. He was very angry after it happened, told me it was a mistake to bring me here in the first place and I saw something in his eyes that was so unpredictable and scared me the most to the point of physically shaking.
I reassured him it was ok, that he's not the one to blame. I started to play his game where he believed it was me who provoked him and deliberately turned him on. He was anxiously smoking a cigarette, I saw his hand trembling and I knew I had to step in, because otherwise something terrible would happen. I got to the edge of the bed the chain that held my ankle wouldn't let me to stand up so I held out my hand towards him, I couldn't even reach the hem of his white shirt he was standing a few steps farther.
"Oliver...please..." our eyes met.
I'm sure he could see the begging in my eyes, but I could only see confusion in his. He hesitated for a moment then took my hand.
Intertwined his fingers with mine and gestured me to move so he could sit down on the bed beside me. Tears filled his eyes, but he didn't say anything, I stayed silent as well, there was nothing left to be said.
With his trembling lips he kissed me on the cheek and burried his face in my hair, then with an abrupt motion he grabbed me by the waist and pressed me hard against his chest. He was sobbing into my neck and with both hands holding me as close to his body as possible.
I rested my head on his shoulder and stroke his neck. His heart was racing against my body and for the first time he seemed like a terrified little bird who's heart is about to jump out of his chest. I could tell that he was finally sorry for everything he'd done to me, but was it enough for me to forgive him?
Right now was it enough not to hate him and feel compassion for his lost soul? I had no idea what I just started. What had I set sail to through this raging ocean that has become my life? Our lives. Because from that moment it started to be obvious that we' going to be connected in more ways than just physical.
Since then he violated me every day.
Everything started to blend together and became some sort of twisted woeful stereotype, but I kept track of the days regardless, it seemed to be the only thing connecting me to the outside world.
I asked him for a clock I could keep on my bedside table, I knew giving it to me was something unwilling from him, but he wanted to keep me content and happy like he often said.
How could he think my heart was happy even for a single moment with him I will never understand, but my body started showing him something else. As if it would completely betray me and finally belong only to him.
On the second occassion when he dicided it would cure us both if we had sexual relations and even join our souls he looked deep into my eyes as serious as ever and these exact words escaped his lips:
"Lana, I can't come until you don't come..." he looked away for a moment as if to gather his thoughts and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.
"The longer you hold on the longer I will go on. I know you're afraid, but I don't want to hurt you in any way. I never wanted it to become so complicated, but you give me no choice. You're mine and I'm unable to reach the highest peak of our love if you don't show me first how much you need me."
Tears were unstoppably flowing down my cheeks and he tried to wipe them off with kisses, but I couldn't forget those words, I knew it will be difficult and my hopes for escaping had wanished a long time ago, but now I knew I have to satisfy his desires.
Otherwise we'll be back to the point where he so vehemently wanted to kill me and go on with his old habits including finding innocent victims who were mentally weaker than me and would let him kill them instead of giving in, or just had things outside this basement to live for and wanted to escape so much that they fought him even for the price of their lives. They had somrthing to fight for. I had lost that already.
Sometimes he had been gentle and hesitated with every thrust as if making sure I was ok, as if paying close attention to every little reaction of my body, other times he was pounding me furiously not even looking at my face. Forgetting about the world surrounding him, but one thing had always been the same, he would go on and on for long hours until I finally gave in.
My body reacting to his stimuli and because of some for me unknown reasons I came. The world exploding around us in a sweet sensation. When I came back to my senses I always knew he immediately followed, his whole being scattered by the abrupt contractions of my muscles gripping his member and by the happiness that winning over me gave him.
Now for the longer part of the day I could still feel him inside me, even if he wasn't here with me.
My body got used to his needs it even stimulated his presence while he had been absent. Desperation and fear had been gone along with my freedom.
I knew I was hypothetically save as long as I contributed to making him feel loved and participated in his desires.
He often had spoken about his childhood and told me stories about him growing up and attending medical school while I was eating breakfast every morning before he left for his practice.
He had left Briarcliff for good he told me and the other mental hospital he worked at during the weekends as well. Money ceased to be the problem he said and he wanted to spend more time with me.
While he had been gone to work I was either sleeping or thinking, but the recurring nightmares always interrupted my peaceful sleep. In them I had been strapped to a hospital bed unable to move. Back then I even thought that it's no different to the situation I'm in when I'm awake, maybe I had been naive all my life trusting in happy endings, maybe it just protected my sanity.
Now I know it had been something else. The more I resisted the more I had been unable to recognize the truth that had been layed before from the very beginning.
When he came back from work around 4 o' clock he had always come down the stairs completely naked his penis almost erect.
I slowly uncovered myself and the sheet slipped to the floor. I pulled the hem of my nightgown up on my thighs not breaking eye contact with him as he approached with slow steps. When the nightgown covered nothing below my stomach he had never cased to be surprised by the fact that I hadn't been wearing any underwear, it would only be a useless formality I decided.
His eyes full of yearning and pleasure as he climbed on top of me. His upper lip shaking with a confusion whether to allow himself the joy or rather not.
By the time he entered me he was full aware that this time was different.
His mouth briefly parted as he moaned my name.
He didn't say anything else, it completely sufficed he knew how wet I was and that I cloed my eyes because of the overwhelming desire, not because I wouldn't want to see him.
He ripped the nightgown open on my chest and yanked my arms out of it.
He was kissing my neck and he proceeded down to my breasts and when he licked and started to suck my nipple I panted out loud, but I was afraid to allow myself any other reaction. Afraid of doing something that he might not like. Afraid of myself that I would find myself entirely giving in to him.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and when we both came almost at the same time I cried out his name for the first time during the orgasm.
His fingers digged into the mattress as if he couldn't contain himself under the weight of such enormous pleasure.
He lowered his head and kissed my lips passionately. As I parted them I tasted cigattes and whiskey on his tongue.
It was the first time we were kissing like that.
He collapsed onto my chest, his weigh almost making it unable for me to breathe, but it didn't matter. His eyes were closed his whole being so peaceful as if he had reached the very fulfillment of his life.
I ran my fingers through his soft hair and burried my face in it. He smelled of delicate spicy cologne with an udnertone of sweet lavender. I inhaled deeply letting it to fill my head.
I wanted to remember his smell, to remember this moment when I was sure of one thing.
I loved him. I honestly didn't know how was it possible to fall in love under such conditions, but I felt that in his own way he felt something strong for me too and needed me. The same as I needed him.
He rolled to my side and opened his eyes. I looked into those beautiful brown eyes that I had been communicating with even without words. He pushed the lock of my hair from my cheek and tucked it behind my ear.
"I knew it Lana. I knew it for a long time." He smiled carefully pronouncing every word.
"I love you."
Finally there was nothing to hide, I opened my heart to him as he opened his to me a long time ago.
The gaze in his eyes melted and it seemed as if he'd experienced absolution and every little piece had finally fallen into place.
I pressed my face against his chest and hugged him tight. My lips brushing against him in hesitant kisses.
I felt the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders and the feeling of this lightness made me slowly drift into sweet sleep where everything was alright and there were no obstacles that our love would have to endure just us existing apart from the whole world not us against the world.