I do not own the characters or the song. The song is Look At me by Carrie Underwood. I hope you enjoy. Reviews are always welcome but not required
I was staring into space, deep in thought when a song came on the radio and caught my attention. I know the song by heart, and have recently realized that I quite enjoy listening to it. Of course I know the reason I like it so much is because of how it described the way I feel about my partner Tony DiNozzo. I look around the bullpen to find out if Gibbs and McGee are back from their visit with Abby about out most recent case, I have no idea where Tony ran off to, and when I am satisfied that no one is here with me I let my self get lost in the song.
I would bet my life like I bet my heart
That you were the one, baby
I've never been so sure of anything before
You're driving my heart crazy
I have risked my life to save him on more than one occasion. I am just not sure if I can risk my heart to my playboy of a partner. I know he would never intentionally hurt me, I also know that he still feels bad about lying to me about his undercover operation that Jenny sent him on those long three years ago.
I can't hold out
I can't hold back now
Like I've done before
I am not sure when I fell in love with him, but I do know that I fell hard. Maybe it was during one of those times I locked both of us in the men's restroom trying to get him to open up to me. I do know it was before I went to Somalia and before he shot Michael trying to save himself.
Darling look at me
I've fallen like a fool for you
Darling can't you see
I'd do anything you want me to
I remember when I got home, to D.C., that I had a hard time talking to him without stuttering. That I would stare at him when I thought he was not looking, I still find myself doing that sometimes. I also started thinking about a relationship with him and not the kind we had before I left back to Israel. I would go to hell and back for him if he asked. I would do anything short of killing him or part of the team for him.
I tell myself I'm in too deep
Then I fall a little farther
Every time you look at me
I have been telling myself these past few months that I am in to deep, that I should give up but every time I decide that is what I will do he looks at me with those big emerald green eyes, or he smiles that smile he reserves just for me.
How do you do that, babe?
Make me feel like I'm the only girl alive for you
I don't know what it is that makes me fall like this
First time in your arms I knew
I feel like it is just he and I in the room when I catch him staring and we cannot manage to take our eyes away from the other. Then of course Gibbs or McGee come into the room and say something that causes us to jump and pretend nothing happened, that we were not just caught with our guards down, completely vulnerable. I also remember when we were trapped in that retched box that the only good thing about it was that I ended up with Tony's arms wrapped around my waist. Granted it was because of me shooting my weapon. But it still felt so right to be being held by him.
The way you held me
I knew that this could be
What I've been waiting to find
It felt like nothing in the world could ever separate us but of course something did. I almost kissed him right there and then. I almost told him that I was falling for him and that I did not want him to let go. But he got his words back faster than I did and I am not sure if I would have said anything anyways. It could have ruined our friendship.
Darling look at me
I've fallen like a fool for you
Darling can't you see
I'd do anything you want me to
He is such a fool sometimes, when he superglues McGee to one of his beloved computer parts or when he pretended to spill a cup of hot coffee on McGee's backup system, when in reality the only thing in the cup was the little pieces of paper that come off when using the three hole punch. But now I am the fool, I am the one who fell headlong into something I cannot, and do not want to get out of.
I tell myself I'm gettin in too deep
Then I fall a little farther
Every time you look at me
Every time you look at me
When I am alone I tell myself that I am in to deep and I cannot fall any farther than I have. I am so deep in thought that I did not realize Tony came walking into the bullpen. I wonder why he took the stairs; maybe Gibbs is in his 'office' again. I do not know, but all of the sudden I realize that Tony is looking at me weirder than normal. I then realize that I have been singing and looking at his desk with everything I am thinking written on my face. And if anyone can read me, it is, of course Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, the very object of my thoughts. I immediately turn the radio off because I know that Tony will make some comment on my choice of music.
When I finally get my voice back I struggle to say hi to him while trying to busy myself with my non-existent paperwork. It takes me 5 minutes to get the nerve to look back up at him but instead of finding him by his desk as he was when I started pretending to do paperwork, he was kneeling next to my desk. I am surprised that he does not say anything at first; it is not like the Tony DiNozzo that I love to be silent, unless Gibbs is talking. Then he finally does talk and it is a tone he has never used with me. It was gentle and loving.
"Ziva?? What's going on?" he asks me. I just look away again but he anticipates it and already has his hand reaching to turn me to face him again. "Zi??"
I finally have no way of avoiding him. "Nothing Tony, do not concern your self with me." I say to him trying to avoid eye contact.
"Come on Ziva, you can talk to me, you know you can. Come with me." He says gently and grabs hold of my hand, just as gently, and pulls me out of my chair. I follow without complaint because I know it would be pointless. We eventually end up at one of the parks near work. Tony just leads the way to a clearing in the woods and helps me sit down. He sits next to me, but slightly turned so that he can face me." Zi what's wrong? You never close up like this."
"I….. Nothing is wrong Tony; I just am not in the mood to talk. And I am not closing up on you." I say trying to lie to him, but he knows me to well. But instead of correcting me on my mess up he just says.
"Zi I know you're lying to me, please don't. What was the song you were singing earlier?? It was nice. But I only caught the last few lines." He asked me pulling out his I-Touch.
"It was "Look at me" by Carrie Underwood." I whisper just loud enough for him to hear. He messes with his I touch for a few seconds then I hear the song that has me in this moment in my life, with him next to me. After he listens to it two times I see a look of understanding on his face. He gently smiles and looks at me.
"Ziva?? Is this how you feel?? About me?? Is that why you tried to hide behind non existent paperwork?" He asks gently. After I give him a barley noticeable nod he pulls me to him in a gentle, yet strong hug. "Oh Ziva, why didn't you tell me?"
"I was afraid. I was afraid you would laugh or run screaming from the building." I answer honestly turning my face away from him, seeing that there is no point in trying to lie.
"Ziva David, would you look at me please?" He said slowly turning me to face him once again. Giving up I look him in the eyes." Ziva, I couldn't breathe when I thought I had lost you for good. I can't imagine what life would be like without you there by my side. I haven't had the nerve to tell you that I fell for you a long time ago. That it killed me to pretend to love Jeanne. When all along it's been you. You that I want with me at all times. You that I want to go home with and wake up next to. I can't imagine my life with out you, and I'm sorry it took this long to figure every thing out and tell you. I wish I had the nerve to tell you before we left you in Israel. I love you Ziva and I don't want you to ever forget that. To hell with Gibb's rule 12 I don't care. I can't be just friends anymore. All of the joking and the stupid comments were my way of covering my feelings. It took all of my will power not to kiss you senseless when we were freed in Somalia. And it has taken so much more than that not to run to you when ever I see that smile of yours or those deep chocolate eyes. When you try to hide that you are about to cry it breaks my heart 'cause I thought that you wouldn't let me hold you till the tears were gone." Tony says looking like he is about to cry and I am already crying.
"Hold me now, Tony. I love you but I have a really hard time saying it. The last man I trusted implacably sent me on a suicide mission. I want to love you and I want to have everything with you but I don't know how to let my guard down long enough to truly let go with you." I say as he hugs me close and I try to calm my tears.
"It's alright Zi, ya wanna know why?" He asks me. When I nod lightly he says, " 'Cause I will climb the walls, do what ever I have too to show you that I am not going anywhere and I sure as hell am not gonna send you on any suicide mission. Please just give me a chance to show you how you deserve to be loved. Let me show you that not every man is a complete ass."
"Ok" I say as I finally stop crying. He pulls back from the hug just enough to look me in the eyes.
"Thank you." He says then leans down to gently kiss me. He is so gentle and caring in this kiss that I can feel the tears try to come back. I force them down so that I can kiss him back.
"No, Thank you Tony" I say against his lips. "I love you."