Bittersweet memories of screeching tires and stolen kisses. Torn metal and movie marathons. Flashing ambulance lights and tone deaf shower serenades. They all streamed through Ludwig's mind in rapid succession, his heart pulling. He curled tighter around the pillow, holding on dearly to the lingering smell of coffee and warmth. He wanted to open his eyes like he used to and see Feliciano sleeping beside him, sunlight hitting his auburn hair in patches filtered through closed blinds, but he didn't dare. He knew he would be greeted only by unkempt sheets and desolation.
"Ludwig, Ludwig! I have a surprise for you!" Feliciano came hurdling through the entrance of the kitchen in a ball of energy. "You have to close your eyes!" Ludwig obeyed, confused as Feliciano grasped his hand and led him through to the front door.
"Where are you taking me?" Ludwig asked, biting back a laugh. Feliciano threw the door open with enthusiasm.
"If I told you, it wouldn't a surprise, would it?"
Ludwig tried desperately to stop the memory from replaying in his head for the umpteenth time, knowing all too well that there was no use. He dug his fingernails into his biceps, barely acknowledging the crimson drawn to the surface. Anything for a distraction. Anything but the unbearable, suffocating guilt that came with his reminiscence. Standing, Ludwig hurled the pillow across the room, suddenly overwhelmed by the absence of his life, his everything, his Feli.
The car revved to life with Feliciano the driver's seat and Ludwig in the passenger, eyes still closed.
"Can I open my-"
"No!" Feliciano scoffed, cutting him off. "Not until I say." Ludwig could practically hear the complacent grin on Feliciano's lips. Minutes passed in seconds, just as they always did with Feliciano.
The silence was deafening, screaming at Ludwig that he was alone. His inaudible cries occupied the room where every morning he awoke to an angel in a feather duvet. Where so many sweet nothings were uttered by locked lips. Where he'd been shown rapture whilst staring into sunset eyes… Where the walls seemed to be closing in and the floor churned underfoot as he ran for the door that hadn't been opened in days. Gripping the doorframe for support, he fell to his knees, a sob ripping itself from his throat.
"There it is, Ludwig!" Feliciano gasped. "Open your eyes!" Ludwig obeyed, and was greeted by one of the most beautiful scenes he'd ever had the honour of beholding.
The setting sun was fire on the rigid horizon, it's scarlet tendrils met in beautiful deviation with the cobalt mountainsides. As they drew closer, Ludwig could make out mighty pines scattered along the uneven cliff faces and crystal rivers dancing in-between ancient fissures and crevices. Awestruck, he turned to face Feliciano.
"Happy Birthday, Ludwig."
Ludwig screamed. He shouted in a feeble attempt to drown out his internal agony. He fumbled for something, anything tangible to keep him within the decrepit grasp of sanity. His hand found the corner of the mahogany hall desk and white hot ferocity coursed through him. The desk crashed to the ground, it's glass adornments shattering on impact. He stood once more, not feeling the shards that dug themselves into his feet. Nothing was safe from his fury. Linen curtains were stripped from their hooks and lay mangled and torn on the hardwood floor. Furniture sat in ruins, tables overturned, chairs devoid of legs. Picture frames were scattered along the floor, spiderweb cracks spanning along their surface distorting the blissfully ignorant smiles underneath…
He couldn't hear his own screams anymore. He couldn't taste the copper on his tongue from his raw vocal cords. He couldn't feel. In an instant everything had left. The staggering guilt, the crushing solitude, the frenzy of destruction that had eaten him alive only moments ago. Ludwig didn't know how he got to the floor. He didn't care, either. His cheek rested against the cool surface and his vision blurred.
Ludwig's ears rang deafeningly. His eyes were unfocused and he was faintly aware of hands grabbing at him, pulling him out of the overturned vehicle through the missing windshield.
"...ir? Sir!" Ludwig's vision cleared almost instantly his addled brain procured one clear thought.
"Where is Feli?" His voice came out in a raspy growl as he clutched at at the paramedic's shirt in attempt to stand on his unstable legs.
"Sir, I need you to sit down, you are injured. Can you tell me your name?" Ludwig's anger exploded. He grabbed the man's shirt collar and yanked his face down to meet his own.
"Tell me- where… is he?" Ludwig managed to choke out, his expression hardening. Reluctant, the paramedic led him to one of many ambulances with a pained face. Ludwig pulled himself into the small operating area. Before him lay a gurney. He made out a human shape underneath the pulled-up white sheet.
"That isn't him." Ludwig said flatly.
"Sir, I know this is a lot-"
"It isn't him!" Ludwig was trying to convince himself now. In the back of his mind, he knew that slender figure betrayed by dips in the thin white fabric. He knew that stubborn, untameable tuft of hair that managed to peek out from under the sheet. He also knew that couldn't yet handle this harsh reality. His stomach churned uneasily as his senses went fuzzy. He caught flyaway bits of information through his haze, but they didn't register.
"Status update… positioning please?"
"Car tumbled 7 times… slid..."
Ludwig's heart crept into his throat.
"... Deceased male was ejected… windshield… 22 feet."
His gut clenched as he fell to his knees, his stomach emptying itself into the rubber matted ambulance floor. He stood abruptly, eyes flicking frantically for the one responsible. Stumbling, he made his way over to the police car, the back door ajar, and reached inside, pulling the man out by his hair. His breathing became rapid as he slammed the man's back into the door. His breath reeked of alcohol.
Ludwig couldn't remember what he said to the man. He couldn't even remember if he had been speaking English. He couldn't remember the colour of the car that had slammed into them, the number of officers it took to restrain him, how long it was for him to realize that it wasn't some sick joke… But he could remember the screaming. The miniscule shards of glass like tiny stars thrown against the backdrop of chaos in slow motion. The sickening crack of bone meeting asphalt 22 feet away. He could remember it as clearly as the sunset eyes he wanted so badly gaze into one last time as if they held the answer to why this all happened. But he couldn't. There were no answers. There was nothing.