Why did I write this? I'm like uber sad cause a friend of mine just died (hence no updates on my other story) and yes, I got this idea from the Criminal Minds episode subplot of 'epilogue' I think that was the name of it. Whateves. I didn't bother to spell check this yet. Too depressed. I think this made it worse. I'll check it later 3
I'm not sure why I'm here. The room is too hot, there are too many people in this room. Everyone is smiling for the most part. They are trying to cover up the cruel, uncomfortable feeling as it permeates through the room. Sadness. We're all sad... and broken. The fake smiles painted on pale cheeks like masquerade masks don't let that brokenness shine through. Shiny teeth, raised eyebrows, and colorful make up try to divert you from our eyes. Black, hollow eye holes. They hold nothing, and they reveal far too much for us to be comfortable with. Because our eyes seem to be the only ones who know the truth of the situation. All they can do it SEE. They see they she isn't here. They see the pictures of her smiling face on the wall. They see someone else is sitting in her chair. They cannot unsee it... so why are we all trying to pretend it isn't true? Why are we all smiling and talking like it's ok? Why can I feel his arm weighing against my neck as he leans on me, smiling like he isn't drunk off his ass?
Again I say, I'm not sure why I'm here. I suppose it is because everyone thinks so differently about me now. In the months Cat and I dated, the angry and vicious Wicked Witch of the West wasn't so scary anymore. But hell... we're on our senior year of college, and time changes things... No. No that's not true. Cat changes this. Even now, laying on a cold metal table some where in the funeral home, organs removed and blood drained, eyes cold and hollow, she changes things. So I guess they think that if she could change me so drastically, that I'm the exact kind of person that should be here. The kind of person that smiles when it's not ok to smile. The girl that accepts the hugs and the, "I'm sorry for your loss"es. A person who can break down and cry beside her casket, then allow my 'friends' to carry me off for consolation. That's what they want... and I can't give it to them. I won't. It's fucking stupid. They've only seen two sides of me (aside from the extremely embarrassing incident in which I asked Tori for help with Beck back in high school). They've seen bitchy Jade, and a little bit less than bitchy Jade. The one that didn't mind if Cat drug her to every damn Claire's in a ten mile radius or had to fight back a smile when a certain redhead took her out and embarrassed her with a loud birthday song at dinner. It was the Jade they liked too. The Jade that lead them to believe that now, in the worst of times, she'd pull it together and learn to fucking act appropriate. But I can't.
Who I am right now is nothing they've ever seen. Maybe Beck on rare occasions while we dated, but for the most part I saved this me for Cat. Not on purpose. I didn't even WANT to let her see this me. It's raw and red, like an angry rash that burns and itches against the skin. She used to be a cream. She soothed and calmed the angry pulsing feelings that swelled beneath my flesh... and I was better with her. The raw core of myself got a little less red, it relaxed into a soft pale. Around her, I didn't have to be anyone but that person and around everyone else I put my mask back on. I just toned it down a bit. Cat never questioned though. She never encouraged me to let others in the way I let her in. Cat was selfish in our relationship. She wanted me to herself. It was ok that I didn't like to let others know. It was a part of me that only SHE got to own. I was selfish too, because I felt the same way about her. But now that she isn't here it's like I'm stuck in a dark room, where everyone can see me but I can't see them. I can't see anything. I'm feeling around, crawling on my hands and knees, desperate to find my mask among the mass of feet and legs from the crowd inside the room... but I can't find it. I can't so much as wrap my fingers around it. The raw Jade is exposed to everyone in the room... and I don't know why I'm HERE. It's not fair that they ask me to stay. Now when I'm feeling so exposed, so RED all over again. There's no cream to make it better anymore. The skin is rubbed so raw droplets of blood start to form at the surface. The little bastards don't even have the decency to act like they notice.
I grip the top of the wine bottle in my hand and trudge for the door. I refuse to put up with this bullshit any longer. This facade that says we're not all dying inside. The door to our room shuts behind me and echoes through the hollow space. It's too damn empty. The bottle comes up to my mouth without thinking about it and I literally take a painful gulp of alcohol. Let it burn. Let it hurt. Everything else hurts right now anyway. My feet drag me to the bed and I consider sitting down on it... but I can't bring myself to sit anywhere in the damn house of horrors. She sat there one time. She sat there a hundred times. Her red hair messy, flying around her lovely little face, legs crossed and teeth that snared her lower lip in their grasp. She'd have a smile on her face that could rival the beauty of the heavens but her eyes were dark and fiery as hell itself. They were heavy with lust. Chocolate pools that begged for me to do anything BUT holy to her. Dark, sinful, lust.
And I did it too, I defiled her so many times on that mattress. Never once could I resist the look of her body. It's sloping curves held secrets tastes my tongue just NEEDED to know. Her pert breasts pleaded for my hands that couldn't deny her. I could always smell her too. Arousal was so strong and it's sent made my lungs feel weighed down. Every bit of her crushed me, broke me, tore me apart, threw me through the air, against the wall, and splattered my love across her tan flesh. She was too much... and I never deserved her. Me! Of all people, soiling an angel against my sheets. But it was easy, so easy, because all Cat did was give. She'd give into the dominance, she'd give into the love. Heavy, rough hands were greeted just as eagerly as tender ones that flitted against her skin like butterflies. What ever I wanted with her was mine. And I make it sound selfish because that's how I feel. She'd tell you about the many times she provoked me, she lured me in, SHE fucked ME. Perhaps she'd even tell you about the times she was in control... but I still feel selfish. No matter what she said, I have no clue how I could give her anything as remotely amazing as everything she gave to me.
My ass takes the brunt of the fall as I drop. No, I cannot sit on that bed, or the couch, or even some of our counter tops... and I doubt I can ever fucking shower again. Not with the things we did in THAT bathroom. The bottle is too empty. I should stop. I should put it down... and I shouldn't be lighting this cigarette. I can just see her now, scolding in that condescending tone. "Jade West! I deserve a wife one day! And I deserve one that will live to see our children graduate!" She'd scold.
Cat wanted kids. I don't. What do I want with snot nosed whiny brats? We'd have to adopt anyway... and adoption took a fuck load of time and money. I would have done it though. I'd have played daddy. Whatever. That's what I would have done. What ever it took. If she was happy, then so was I. If that meant years of changing shit filled diapers, cooking dinners that they'd complain about, listening to 'WHAT EVER MOM's, and using all of the cliche' 'there will be lots and lots of hell to pay!'s, then fine. If it brought that angelic smile to her face. I shiver at the thought now. I want to say, "Well at least now I don't have to put up with that anymore" but I can't. I can't because I'd be such a willing victim to her desires.
"Jade? Jaaaade?" Tori's voice is muffled by the door, shaking me from my thoughts as I blow out a haze of smoke. "What do you want Vega?" It doesn't come out as mean as I want. In fact, it comes out shattered. Like I threw my voice against the pavement from this stupid second story window. Light pours in through the cloud of smoke I'm sitting in. It swirls and dances around me, trying to adjust to the blowing wind from the door. When did it get so thick in here? How many cigarettes have I gone through? I lift the bottle... empty. Fuck. Tori seems to notice. If I wasn't so miserable I'd have laughed to see her porcelain mask almost literally fall to the floor. She's been acting so fucking sanctimonious. So mother fucking BRAVE and I can't STAND it. She screams as the bottle hurls past her and smashes against the wall. It's pieces glittering and dying out as the fall from the lighted area back to darkness. I didn't even realize I threw the damn thing. "Jade..." Tori's voice is different now. It's raw too. She's hurt... and I'm so glad. I'm tired of being the only one that can't pretend. "I'm not going back out there. Why don't you go fuck Beck in the foyer. Like our first year of college remember? I was still dating the fucker at the time." I try to hurt her more. She isn't on my level yet. No one is. They can't HURT over this like I can. Tori flinches and gingerly steps over the glass, "You know we aren't together Jade." I snort, but realize Tori really isn't talking to me at all, she's talking to the walls. Talking to Cat. Trying to show her that it's ok. That someone is trying to take care of me and that the words don't sting. They're just me, slinging around a big pair of scissors that look sharp, but are practically child proof. They don't cut.
She's down on my level now, sitting on the floor. I wonder why she doesn't take the bed, but I'm glad. She doesn't deserve to occupy that space. She isn't half as astounding as Cat. She PALES in comparison. Her hand brushes my shoulder, "I don't want you to... I'm sorry I ever asked." I flinch at the contact but don't stop her as she grabs the over half empty carton of cigarettes from my hand and plucks the one that is dangling from my lips. Her hands are back in her lap now, wringing together. I know what she's going to say, and I hate it. "Can you tell me what happened?" She whispers, it's fucking pitiful. "No." I bite back, tears slip from my eyes and I don't even have enough pride left to stop them. Pain is pulsing through me, crippling me. But I talk anyway, "It started with one fucking word. Can you believe that? ONE word Vega." Why the fuck am I talking? SHUT UP ME! "Cancer. That's all they had to say. What ever kind or type or amount or severity doesn't matter" Really? Do I have diarrhea of the mouth or something? Why the hell am I talking to her about this? But I can't shut up, the gates are open, and here comes the flood.
9 months earlier
Doctors offices are another thing I hate. The list is considerably shorter now that I'm with Cat. I suppose I still hate things, she just makes it so they don't bother me as much. This is the second time I've driven her to the doctor in a month. I'm sure she's taken herself at least once. She hasn't told me why. She's lied about it though, I can tell. All she says is, "Hormones. My uterus is being wacky! Hormones hormones hormones!" And that tells me nothing. I know nothing is wrong with her hormones. She doesn't act any different and our cycles are synced up (gross right?) so I know she's not missing periods. I see the wrappers from the pads in the garbage. I refuse to use pads. She can't stand tampons. It's not important. What's important is the fact that I'm sitting in the parking lot, nails drumming against the black leather seat of my truck, and I don't know what's going on in there. I don't go in though. Cat made me promise to respect her privacy when it came to these sorts of things. Normally I'd have said no, but we'd been in the middle of... 'something' and Cat wasn't going to let me 'finish' until I promised. Sneaky redheaded devil! So I wait, albeit impatiently, but I wait.
When she comes out she isn't bouncing on her heels, she isn't smiling. Her brow is set firmly over those coffee colored eyes... and you should know how much I love coffee. She slides into the seat beside me without a word. The lack of her constant babble concerns me more than anything else. It seems Cat is always talking about something. I hate it and I love it at the same time. It keeps me on my toes, entertained, and from thinking too deeply and negatively about life, even if it's annoying as fuck. I shift around in my seat and put the car in drive. She'll talk when she's ready. I'm not too great with feelings. Especially the kind you have to talk about. "I want ice cream." She says with much less vigor than I expect. I sigh slightly, but nod. Ice cream isn't so bad anymore. It used to remind me about my childhood, now it reminds me of Cat.
The parlor is ghostly empty. We moved to New York at the start of second semester in college and it was mid- January now. No one wanted ice cream. No one but Cat. She ordered a huge Sunday with more words that involve 'rainbow, sprinkle, and goodness' then I'm happy repeating, I ordered some janked up coffee ice cream that tasted like anything but my magic bean roast. Still, Cat didn't smile. She slid into the brightly colored, vintage tiled, blue/pink booth and stared at her hands as I brought the giant Sunday over to her. She picked at it with her purple plastic spoon. I knew she liked it, so there had to be another reason for her constant frown. "Cat-" I started, but her hand flew up and cut me off. Her normally bright eyes locked with mine. "I wanna move back to L.A. Now Jade, I wanna do it now. We rent our apartment anyway. I wanna move back to L.A." She said firmly, tears dotting the corners of her eyes. I snorted, "We have no place to live in L.A. We're not broke Cat, but we're not made of money." I reminded her. She scowled, at herself or me I'm not sure, but then she smiled a bit. "Tori! Tori will let us stay with her until we find the right place." She said defiantly. We both knew it was true, but I wasn't too keen on buddy-buddy-ing up to the woman that screwed my ex-boyfriend on my couch WHILE were we still dating. Not that I gave two flying shits about Beck and his sex life, I just didn't want Tori going after Cat the way she did him. Now THAT I couldn't take. I looked up into Cat's eyes, they were begging me. Giving me that look I could never say no to. I ran a hand through my hair, wincing as I snagged a tangle, "Ya know you're giving up our dreams of being on Broadway right?" Cat shrugged, "That's not MY dream anymore... but you don't have to go with me if it's still yours." She said sadly. I snorted, like THAT would ever happen. Cat was my dream. Another heady sigh left my lips, "Ok... let's go back to L.A."
By the next day, we were official college drop outs. "Promise me we'll come back to this Cat. I don't want to have wasted nearly three years of my life and not get a degree." I'd scolded, not really angry with her at all. She shrugged, "I promise you won't have wasted anything." She'd said... but no comments about her own education were made. Still, I asked no questions. I could tell she was getting closer to saying something to me. It wasn't like I was waiting a long time... so I shouldn't be so anxious. I was though. I was itching in my skin. I wanted to know what was going on in that pretty little head. Why we were off to live with Vega in L.A. at the drop of a hat. Why we left everything but the essentials in our home to be boxed and mailed to us at a time I doubted would ever come. All of these things buzzed around my head, between my ears, but never slipped from my mouth.
Tori was all too happy to have us. Her parents had died right out of high school in a car accident. She had inherited the house and Trina (thank the Lord) had moved into down town Hollywood for reasons that escape me. Tori's arms were wide open and so was her mouth. Spewing every question she could think of. Cat expertly dodged while I ignored them both and sat down on the couch next to Robbie. Believe it or not, Vega was engaged to the little freak! He wasn't so odd anymore. A news paper writer now, he seemed calmer and the lack of puppet really did help his image. He smiled a bit at me but we didn't speak. We had no reason to. It was then Tori informed us that we were all going 'out' with Andre and Beck. Something about the gang being all there again. I looked at Cat with eyes that resembled dread and she laughed, her smile (the REAL one) finally gracing her face. It was all I needed to let the latina grab my wrist and yank me along.
After two hours at Waffle Barn, I told Cat if I smelled anymore cigarette smoke I was going down to the corner market and lighting up myself. Cat demanded we go home. She knew I wasn't kidding. So after a ridiculously long conversation in the car and a warning from Vega that she and Robbie can get 'loud' at night (insert gagging and mental scarring for life here) we were finally settled down. Cat's head was laying on my belly, my hand stroking her hair gently. "Do you believe in heaven Jade?" She asked suddenly. I frowned. No. No I didn't believe in heaven. I wasn't sure I could tell her. My silence seemed answer enough. "Can you try to believe in heaven?" Her tone was so gentle that it knocked me off guard. I frowned again, "I'm not sure heaven wants people like me hanging around Cat... and if you believe in one, you gotta believe in the other. So if heaven doesn't want me," For the second time this week she cut me off, "That isn't FUNNY Jade. You're a good person, and you're going to heaven. Now believe in it." She insisted. I grunted and mumbled an ok, focusing more on the ceiling. Until Cat sat up. Her face was fallen back into a frown, "Jade, sit up and look at me." She said, rubbing my knees in soft circles. It was an odd request but I complied. Her face was more solemn then I ever remember it being. "Jade... I have breast cancer." She said in an almost... loving tone. I snarled my nose up, "What?" I couldn't think of anything else to say. She didn't repeat it. She knew I heard. Now I just had to accept it. For a long time I didn't speak at all... Finally I cleared my throat, "Well... what about medication? And kemo! You'll be fine as long as we-" I couldn't keep going, Cat was shaking her head. "No, I'm not going to let that be me. If I go out I go out." She whispered, her lips pressed softly against mine. There was nothing else I knew to say, so I showed her I loved her that night. We poured out our souls, merging together, as our bodies tangled in a bed that wasn't ours.
We spent the night crying, trying to drain ourselves of every last inch of despair. We spent the months doing everything we could together, and with our rag tag group of friends. I was as sweet as I could be, and so was she. In those last few months we really lived. We moved back into the house we'd rented the first semester of college, no way I was living with Tori. We built a home there, around our broken hearts. Our lives were filled with bitter sweet memories. I took her to every park in the US with the word 'Disney' in it, we traveled to every country fair in a 95 mile radius. Beck took us on multiple trips into the mountains, the grand canyon, and anywhere else we wanted to go. I tried more foods than I ever wanted to, both expensive and cheap, only because Cat asked me to go to every restaurant we could afford. I didn't work, neither did she. We were living off of the inheritance my grandmother left me. It was a little over 500 grand, plus what we had saved up over the years for ourselves. Usually I was frugal... but I didn't give a damn if I ended up living on the street as long as I still had her. I wasn't going to live a mediocre year with the woman I loved. We even left the country twice. Once to visit Disney world in France (and for Cat to drag me to ever shop in Paris to look at things we couldn't or shouldn't buy) the other we went to Italy. I even tried to marry her. She told me that it would mean leaving L.A. for good, and she wanted to be with her family and friends too... so I dropped it. We wore rings though and for all intensive purposes, we were married.
October, maybe even mid August, was when I noticed her slowing down. We didn't leave the house much and spent most of our time watching old movies. Cat liked the old kids movies, not only Disney, but any she could find. That old oil painting artistry spoke to her in some way. Her eyes would transfix on the screen. Every time someone would die... we cried our eyes out. I wish that I could have pretended to be strong. That I could have said it was all going to be ok... but I couldn't. It wasn't going to be ok. I watched for over a week as she lost weight and energy. Never getting out of bed.
She asked me to go shopping one day. October 17th. She said she wanted something sweet and what we had wasn't enough. After a groan or two I threw my shoes on and went. I was just happy she was getting something to eat. I bought her things I knew usually made her hyper, but figured it couldn't hurt anything because of her lack of energy at the moment. When I got home, she snarfed the food down like a hungry wolf. Barely breathing between bites. She gulped the redbull that I had been less than happy to buy for her and wiped her mouth with a broad grin. Just like that, she was on me. Her lips pressed to mine, eager, pleading. I knew what she wanted... one last time. She wasn't sure if she'd ever have the strength and needed to know I loved her. Needed me to show her.
We stumbled to the bedroom from the kitchen, a new article of clothing leaving one of us with each step. My skin was on fire for her, even if my heart was drowning in sorrow. Her tongue slipped into my mouth, slowly rubbing, teasing. I moaned a little louder than I usually do. Wasting little time at all to snake my hand between her glorious thighs. She was wet. Uh I can't even tell you how amazing that is, Cat Valentine was wet for me. It never stopped being amazing. That warm, slick feeling. She was like wet velvet. So soft to my touch. Her fingers found their way down to me too. We pressed inside of each other at the same time. She was gentle, but I couldn't help but be firm. Cat didn't seem to mind, her back arched in glorious pleasure, eyes clouded over with that lust that I could live in forever. My fingers pumped firm, but slow, not allowing enough friction to give her total pleasure. She gasped and nipped up at my chest, her thumb against my clit. Tonight, I would worship her body, I would love her like never before.
When we were finished, it was all I could do not to collapse on top of her. My orgasm still shook me from the core. I heard her giggle tiredly, "Go take a shower... I love you." For a long time I didn't move though, simply stroked her thighs and her belly. She hummed a gentle tune and let me until I couldn't stand to smell myself anymore. Her sex smell didn't bother me like mine did. As I stood she grabbed my hand and watched me with hooded eyes. I don't know why I didn't realize something was wrong. Maybe because everything was so wrong right now. "Jay... would you want me to suffer, if it meant I could stay with you?" She asked gently.
Part of me wanted to say yes. Part of me wanted her forever and thought that we could deal with the pain, as long as she was with me... but most of me said no. No, I would suffer before she did. That's the way it works. I protect her, I love her, if I can stop her pain even if it means causing my own, I do it. "No Red. No I wouldn't. Like you said, heaven and all that shit right? I'd never want you to hurt." I kissed her and left, thinking nothing else of it. More so trying to not break down in front of her. I slammed the cold water on, letting it cool my flushed body, even if it stung.
I guess... I didn't expect it. We'd gone on like this for months. She'd only declined a little bit, and it had happened before. She got better after a few days. So when I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling at me as though I was an angel, I didn't know something was wrong. I went over to her and got on my knees, laying my head across her bare lap and looking up at her. She smiled, "Jade, remember I told you to believe in heaven? Where good people go?" I cringed but nodded, this was not something I wanted to talk about. "Well, you are good... I know it's in here." She whispered, pulling me up to sit beside her and pressing a hand to my heart. "I can feel your goodness beat with your heart. All the times you took care of me, protected me, even back in high school, you watched out for all of us, even if you don't want to admit it. It's beating right here... and it's so good Jade." She mumbled, pushing a black lock of hair from my eyes. My gaze was intense on her, "You make me good." It was all I could think to say, cheesy or not. It was so true. I was a bitch without her. She kept me in check. I knew I couldn't treat her so harshly and her moods told me when I was getting too bitchy for my own good. Cat pressed her lips against mine again, gentle, almost non existent. "You gotta promise you'll always be good. So I can see you in heaven." She said hesitantly. My head snapped up, "Cat... Cat!" I looked around the room, suddenly aware everything was oh-so off. "Cat! Catarina what the hell did you do?" I whispered, my eyes locked on the pill bottle on the floor by our dresser. I don't know where she got it... I don't care at the moment. I ran for the dresser and practically pounced on my phone. My fingers started dialing. 911. I need 911. Cat frowned at the loss and held her hands out. "Jay-bird" She whimpered like a child, using the only nickname I'd ever allowed her to get away with. The operator picked up, but I wasn't listening. Not to her, only to Cat. "I wanna die here... with you." She begged tears were close to her eyes. I couldn't let her cry, not now, not when she was leaving me. I threw the phone on the floor and crawled into bed beside her, petting her hair, telling her I loved her.
"Why..." I had to asked. I could see her fading and I needed to know why she did it. "You said I could... did you want me to suffer?" I'm not even sure if she really said it, it was too quiet to be real words. I looked over at the phone. I could still call an ambulance... but she'd die in a hospital... My face pressed against hers and I tried to make our bodies one. "I love you Jay-bird." I heard her whisper. "I love you too Red Robin." I mumbled, sobbing freely now. "Bye bye for now ok?" She said with a gentle nod, eyes closing. In only moment, she was gone.
My powerful, bone wrenching screams woke the neighbors, they called the police. I didn't stop screaming. I was hollow. She wasn't there! She wasn't IN me she was GONE! I need her! I NEED HER! I screamed to the heavens, angry they'd take her. Begging for her back. When the police carried her body off, Beck and Andre held me back, while Tori held my face and made desperate shushing noises. I screamed an empty scream, and fought them, kicking and biting and smacking their arms... but Cat was gone. They took her away. She flew up to heaven and I was here... biding time. Tori's hands wrapped around my arms and I could remember her saying it, "I'm here Jade. I'm never leaving you." it didn't sound like her at all... it sounded like Cat.
Present
Tori didn't say anything. I'm not sure how much I told you that I actually told her. It just sort of spilled out. Her arms were around me now. Holding on for dear life... and she was crying too. I wasn't sure why. Maybe it was pity for me... or she was finally breaking down from loosing her best friend. I don't really care much. I can't bring myself to care about anything.
She held my hand and the funeral. Cat wanted to have a closed casket... thank goodness. Tori didn't leave me though. Not that night, not the day of the funeral, not when they lowered that damn box into the ground. She kept an eye on me, most likely for Cat's sake. I spent my days sitting on the cold ground in front of her grave. Still do. It's the closest I can get to her. There are nights I don't even go 'home'... and by home I mean back to Vega's place. Yeah, Vega. Robbie and her broke up right after Cat passed. Tori threatened if I didn't stay with her I was getting shipped off to the funny farm. What ever.
I don't drink anymore. I don't smoke. It makes me feel guilty, like she's watching me and shaking her head. I'm prolonging a life without meaning. I won't move on. Even if I could I wouldn't. You don't move on when you loose the person that was your whole world. The one that makes you a better you. I can hear Tori's footsteps behind me, no doubt coming to tell me to come back to the house. She stops though, staring at the granite stone. Her hands circle my arms and pull me along. I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. I'm not Jade. I'm just... something. Something left over. Like that food sitting in your fridge that is in a Chinese food take out box, but looks nothing like food at all. I'm rotted down to the soul, indigestible. I'm not Jade anymore... but Tori says I will be one day. Or at least something close. She swears by it. "It's only been a few months... it'll get better." She promises. It's lame, we both know it. We both doubt it's true... but I'm trying. Like I said, I don't smoke or drink, I drive safe, I'm the person she wanted me to be while she was alive. Trying to be that person is the only thing that keeps me alive right now.
I throw one last glance at the shining pink tombstone (can you believe I found a PINK one? She'd be so proud). It's gaudy, ugly, and nobody else will want to buy the plots beside it, but it's something Cat would like. Besides those plots belong to me, Tori, Beck, Andre, and Robbie... her friends. The only ones that deserve to rest near her gleaming tombstone and shell of a body. The words are blurring as we get farther away but I don't need to read them, I've memorized them. Tori guides me into the car... even goes as far as to wrap her arms around me and stroke my hair for a short while. I'm still repeating those words like a mantra...
This was Cat. Cat was the best damn human being that ever walked the earth. She was an astounding friend, a breath taking actress, an awe-striking singer, and the best wife there ever was. She loved everyone. May she rest in peace... if resting is even possible for her.
Catarina Hannah Valentine 1993-2016
Ok! So update as of 11/6/11 I've spellchecked this fucker and I think I got most grammar issues taken care of. Thank you for those that reviewed. I love it! You're awsome... and just so everyone knows I'm a chick. I don't talk like it a lot but that's an FYI ;) much love from me though! Peace!