Why Hidan and Kakuzu Make Idea Partners
By A Clockwork Pumelo
I don't own any of the Naruto characters! I wish I did though... sigh...
This is what happens when I think too hard about the implications of being immortal and being able to grow stuff back. I know... Right now you're thinking I have such a pure, unsullied mind. Guess again. But I haven't gotten any masochistic plot squirrels chattering my way yet, so the kinky bloody torture scenes will have to wait for a later date. In the meantime, I present you with a brief glimpse into the mind of the immortal bad*** Hidan, and the reasons why he makes an excellent partner for Kakuzu.
I know this sounds super f***ing gay (this whole f***ing scenario is super f***ing gay sounding), but I'm giving Kakuzu my heart. Literally. As in, right now I have a giant f***ing hole in my f***ing chest, and he does too, and I'm shoving my f***ing heart into the f***ing hole, and I can feel his threads sewing up the skin and it hurts, but not too much. I've been through worse. I'll have a new heart, new ribs, new arteries even, by tomorrow. But for now, I'm reduced to pinning him while I give him my heart and hoping this is the last f***ing time I'm gonna have to do this. It's like some Jashin-damn BDSM movie; we're two half-naked guys laying on the floor of a f***ing torture chamber covered in blood, I'm holding his wrists in one hand over our heads, and he's all squirming and moaning and s*** and guess what? It's all to save this wannabe-immortal's Jashin-damn life!
"You want to f***ing live, stop f***ing squirming 'cause I gotta cut the f***ing aorta just right or you f***ing die, ok? Are you f***ing listening to me, or are you gonna keep writhing and making this f***ing awkward f***tard?!?" I haul back with my pike and give him a good whack on the head. Hah, blunt trauma is always the best anesthetic. He might be unconscious, but his threads aren't. They're trying to sew my bloody hand right into his chest! I wrench my hand away, hmm, there go a couple of fingers. I hope they don't cause too much interference. Haha... cause of death: f***ing fingers lodged in your f***ing arteries! We really must practice this little exercise more often. I can't stop my bad***ery and make people think we're f***ing fruitcakes every damn time the old guy has a heart attack! Crap, there goes another finger. Maybe this would be better if he wakes up. I slap him across the face a few times. No response. Ok, I'll have to do it. I rip off his mask and that funny head piece he always wears, like stuffed underwear on his head, not that I would tell him that because that's a sure-fire ticket to a game of head-soccer. His ridiculous Christmas-colored eyes fly open and he struggles to get a hand free.
"Listen, Kakuzu, call off your damn tentacles. Do you want to live or not? Because I'm not above letting you die and blaming it on your damn heart attacks." the threadlike strands stop lashing my arms and back, and concentrate on sewing up the old geezer's chest. "I see we've come to an agreement. If you say anything about the bounty we were going to collect, I will personally draw a f***ing Jashin circle right now and eat your f***ing wallet right in f***ing front of you, get it? Good." At the mention of eating money, his eyes grew round and horrified, and he somehow found the coordination to push me off him so he could pat his pockets frantically.
"Looking for this?" I struggle to my feet, supporting myself on my long pike and flipping his wallet in my other hand. The one with two fingers and no thumb. As I do so, the stumps stretch, forming new tissues to replicate the missing joints.
"You. Little. S***. Give it back. Now." He leans on his knee with one hand, the other clutching his chest as he coughs up a small amount of blood. Curious, he never seems to have that much. Maybe because almost all of him is held together by masses of stitches. He straightens, baring his teeth at me in an angry, red-streaked grimace that stretches the fine stitching around his mouth.
"I said give it back. Or do you want to play head soccer again?" I toss him the wallet, along with a small bottle containing his heart meds. Wouldn't want him dying on me again before I can regenerate another heart. Also, head soccer is not one of my favorite things. "You know something?" He asks, retrieving his mask and headpiece.
"What?" I said. Great. More verbal abuse. Remind me why the hell I joined the Akatsuki again?
"You bleed way too much." he wrings the blood out of the remains of his shirt, which had been a few feet away. It cascades in dull red streams to the floor. I look at the puddle we created while I performed the heart transplant. It's over two meters in diameter, and there are rivulets of crimson running down a nearby wall. Jashin, how can I always bleed so much? Little did I know that the average anime character contains well over 100 liters of blood.
"Well, excuse me for saving your wannabe-immortal life. Let's go. Like you say, I bleed way too f***ing much, and it's already getting f***ing sticky. I can't wait for a f***ing shower." He snorts and we leave the series of dungeons the way we came, slaying the guards in our path. He picks up another new heart, and I sigh in relief. If that old coot ever dies, I'll have to get a new partner. Too bad I can't stand anyone in Akatsuki. Let's see... Sasori is a f***ing puppet, Kisame is the world's largest douchebag (plus I'm not letting his f***ing aquarium into my f***ing room), Konan is a psychotic b****, Pein would drive me insane with his taking-over-the-world speeches, Itachi is an emo b****, Deidara would molest me because he is a transvestite b****, Zetsu would take advantage of me as a never-ending food source, Orochimaru... well, he's no longer with us apparently, but his damn tongue still gives me nightmares, and Tobi is the most annoying piece of s*** on this whole f***ing planet. Yeah, I think I'm just fine with Kakuzu as a partner.
"So Kakuzu, how do you feel, now that you have an actual heart? Like one not from a complete heathen douchebag, but one from a kind-hearted (excuse the pun) Jashinist whom you owe your life? Hmm, hmm?" I rub my fingers on my good hand together.
"Hidan, you are so full of s***. There will be death match head-soccer when we get back to the hideout. And yes, I'm playing with Deidara this time."