Another old gift fic for Dragon'sHost! She's just incredible, and you should really check her out! She and Eien ni Touko are the queens of CoLu.
Disclaimer: As always, I don't own Fairy Tail! Hiro Mashima does.
All I do when we're apart is think about you, and all I do when we're together is panic. Because every second feels so important. And because I'm so out of control, I can't help myself. I'm not even mine anymore, I'm yours, and if you decide that you don't want me? How could you want me like I want you? -Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park
Lucy sighed as she shut the door to her apartment behind her. She knew no one from her team would be barging in on her today. The blonde had requested some alone time, and with Erza to back her up, Gray and Natsu had agreed to back off. Now, Lucy was free to think.
She kicked off her boots and curled up on her couch with a mug of tea. Once settled, she gave her mind free reign, and instantly felt her usually cheerful self evaporate. Her thoughts had instantly gravitated to him, to how he was doing, where he was, what he was doing. She had no idea what the answers were to any of her questions. For all she knew, he could have finally taken such a big risk that it got him killed.
She pushed that thought away and focused on why she had decided to take this day off. The blonde wanted to sort out her feelings for him. So where else to start but at the beginning?
Erza was Lucy's best friend, someone she considered to be the older sister she never had. So when the romance-shy knight had asked for the Celestial mage to accompany her on her visit to Crime Sorciere, Lucy had jumped at the chance to help her friend with her relationship with Jellal. She had dealt with all the redhead's nerves and worries. Then they arrived at the meeting place, a spot in the forest outside Hargeon, and Erza had gone off with Jellal, leaving Lucy to the remaining members.
She had ended up enjoying it, though. Meredy had snuck off with Angel to spy on Jellal and Erza, but the blonde had had an interesting conversation on her magic and love with Hoteye, or Richard, with surprisingly Midnight jumping in at times to give his own opinion. Racer had been mostly silent, simply observing, but Cobra was quite vocal with his attempts to provoke Lucy. He was disappointed, as she just ignored him, too used to Happy to give the one-eyed man any satisfaction.
And that was just it. Ever since that visit, the Poison Dragon Slayer had wormed his way into her thoughts. Over the several following visits, four of them spaced out over six months, she had managed to get him to open up a little to her. It had been hard, even more so than when she had decided to become friends with Gajeel, but worth the effort. She learned about his sense of humor, which was a little twisted and dark, his love for snakes, especially Cubellios, and his hatred for authority, seeing it as just another form of imprisonment.
Now what? She had become his friend, or as much of Cobra's friend as it was possible to become, but why did that disappoint her? There was this ache in her chest when she thought of him, and it was impairing her ability to talk to him. She was rather quickly being reduced to nothing more than a stuttering, red-faced fool around him.
Lucy sighed quietly again and finished off her tea, setting her mug on the coffee table. She heard a dull thud and glanced over to notice she had accidentally knocked her newest book onto the floor. She bent and grabbed it, looking it over as she kept pondering that ache which was destroying her tenuous friendship with Cobra. She had not had the chance to read it yet, so she decided a distraction might be good for her.
There it was, her feelings written out on the page. That ache, the inability to articulate herself, it was all there in the main character. The thing was, that this character was acting like that because she was in love. And Lucy could not love him, could she? Not when she knew so little about him.
But it all fit so perfectly. Her feelings, her thoughts, her actions. So maybe it was not love, the blonde decided. Not yet, anyway. Maybe with more time, it would turn to love. For now, it was simply a desire, her wanting him to be nearby. Would she admit to him she felt that? Not an Ice mage's chance in Hell. He would probably laugh and make fun of her. How could he ever want her like that? So she would keep it to herself, her little secret. Maybe one day, it could change, but not anytime soon.