In That Moment
Disclaimer: Don't own Agents of SHIELD,etc.
It's hard to know what to do when not just one but three people put you in your place so thoroughly. It is hard when you thought one you might have earned some respect from, another their trainee but when the last was Simmons, my world nearly collapsed.
Four months ago, it happened. I know it was the spear, the Asgardian artifact, that triggered the behaviour in Ward, but it could not pull out of him anything that wasn't already there. I don't really remember everything, I do remember trying to calm him down, I remember him looming over me. His finger punctuated his statements, his tone relaying his disgust with me.
Memories of childhood reared up in the back of my mind, the beatings in school from the bigger kids, the tough kids who didn't like the quiet types at school. The taunting about my slight build and awkward nature from the popular kids, verbal and physical scars I thought had healed over suddenly burst open again. In that moment, Ward was all of them, come back to get me. I thought I was over it all, turns out, I'm really good at fooling myself. It took everything I had not to start shaking as he yelled at me. He saw the look of fear in my eyes, and the look of disgust on his face spoke volumes.
That moment, I knew that in his eyes, I would never be more than a lab rat, someone who should stay behind while the proper field agents took care of work outside the bus. He viewed me as weak; he thought I couldn't defend myself, much less Simmons or anyone else. Unfortunately, though I wanted to argue, I couldn't come up with anything to refute him. It is hard, knowing that he viewed me like that, and nothing now would change his mind.
If we had been alone, I think I could have dealt with it. I could have handled Ward's dismissive treatment of me in briefings and missions. He didn't do it in private. He did it in front of Skye and Simmons, his trainee and my partner.
Skye looked at me that day as if I was an impediment to her, she realized that Ward had dismissed me as useless. From that point on, she took her cue from him. Unless she needed something for work, I didn't exist now, I was the person that did things for other people when I was told. Every time I made a joke about getting a monkey, she responded with, 'Why would we need that, we have you Fitz.' Everyone would laugh, but I knew it was her way of saying to me, you are just here to help. You aren't important, you are the monkey not the organ-grinder.
For someone I thought was nice, she constantly found ways to undermine me, she seemed to enjoy needling me. Not only was she demeaning my work, she gradually disrupted my relationship with Simmons. Little things at first, constantly joining in conversations she wasn't party to causing both Simmons and myself to have to explain concepts she didn't understand to her, inviting herself to the movie nights Simmons and I had, then moving on to getting Simmons to spend more time with her. Eventually she claimed I was butting in on her time with Simmons, that they needed their time away from me. Movie nights became rare and stopped a month ago, or more accurately I wasn't allowed to join them anymore. My conversations with Simmons became purely work focused and even then they were strained.
I could handle Ward dismissing me, Skye treating me like the unwanted family pet was tiresome but I could cope but it was Simmons who drove home to me exactly my place, or rather lack of it.
When Ward berated me and stalked off, Simmons attempted to placate it all by mentioning reactions to the artifact, I tried to brush it off as I left. The nail in the coffin was the look on Simmons face as Ward was talking, as I looked up from it, I saw it in her eyes, a look of pity and sorrow. No man wants to be looked at like that, especially from the woman he loved. Yes, even now I would say I still love her even though I know she will never return it. No chance of that now.
Women often don't understand men, they all joke that men don't understand women but it works the other way round. A man will only accept a look of pity from a woman in very specific circumstances, generally if a family member or close friend has died, or a severe medical issue has arisen. Beyond that no man wants to be pitied. To have that look bestowed upon you after the verbal putdown I received is like driving a knife in.
I knew when she looked at me, she had lost respect for me, I was weak in her eyes. I was never going to measure up to Agent Ward now, Ward who had helped her with her issues with heights or jumped out of planes to save her. She looked to him for reassurance now, like I wasn't there at those times no matter how I tried to help. In that moment, all possible futures of her and I becoming involved collapsed. I was left on the outside of the team, looking in as they all bonded and moved on.
Much as I blame Skye and myself for my deteriorating friendship with Simmons, I blame her more. She was the social one, she knew, she had to know what Skye was doing, what Ward had done. She let herself be removed from me, and towards the end pushing me away from her. I wasn't her type of person anymore. I wasn't the brave one or the new best friend, I was her past before she was accepted by the others.
She knew how my childhood had been, had suffered some similar issues herself. She should have understood my reactions, empathised with them not pity them. How could I have misjudged her? Or had I simply blinded myself? Had she been waiting for the chance to move on to a new social standing, our friendship merely a deflection from loneliness? Her presence had always been a comfort to me, a light in the world that helped me to see beyond my own boundaries. Now that light was gone, I was fumbling around trying to grasp anything I could. Does this make sense?
I don't know. I'm not sure of anything anymore.
In that moment, my place was clear.
And it wasn't here.
Four months ago, it started, now it is complete. I'll find a new place, anywhere but here.
Now I walk away as Fitz, just Fitz. Now alone and in the dark.
In that moment, it ended.