Inspired by my conversation with Emily about simple peasant girls and another girl I know who plays the banjo…lmao that's just funny. Review you scallywags.
Once upon a time there was a simple peasant girl called Tommy-tim-tom-tibon or Tom for short. Tom worked all day and all night too on her family's farm in Notherndale, Westmoorland, Essex in England. They all secretly hated her because she, unlike them, didn't play the banjo, had all her teeth and disliked straw. Sometimes she would complain about her straw bed.
"Your gettin' too fancy for ye' own good Tommy-tim-tom!" her father shouted angrily at her, beating her with a leek (they farmed leeks and there were always a few handy when you needed one.).
Tom always felt she didn't quit belong in her family. Whether it was because they all spoke with Southern American accents, or because they all had webbed toes and she didn't, she never knew. Then one day Tom was sitting out in the leek fields when she saw an owl fly over head. Tom had never seen an owl before; her brother Derrick usually shot and ate all the stray owls in this area, using their feathers for jacket lining.
The owl circled ever closer until it dropped a letter into Tommy-tim-tom's lap. She opened it up with fierce enthusiasm. Tom had been taught to read at the local school she had briefly attended when she was 5. Her parents had taken her out when they thought she was getting to smart for her own good (she was 8 at the time).
"Blah blah blah…oh would you look at that I've been accepted to go to a wizarding school!" Tom said happily. Her eyes then darted to a list of spell books and ingredients she would need. "Oh phooey, I don't have the money to pay for all them fancy spell books!" she said slipping into her family's Southern American accent. "That is…unless I steal the money!"
Tom then began to formulate a plan. Her brother would be back from the markets soon, with all the money he had made selling leeks and jackets lined with owl feathers. If she could just mug him on the way back…
So that was how Tom came to be waiting in a ditch outside her family Leek Farm for her brother to return. Her brother was a lot older then her and she wouldn't be able to take him on by sheer force, this she knew, so she dug a hole in the road instead and covered it up with leaves and debris. She had gotten the idea from Pokemon. Soon enough Derrick came strolling up along the road whistling to himself. He was so preoccupied with his whistling he completely forgot to check for holes in the road and thus fell in breaking his collar bone and severing three major arteries. Tom didn't bother with this however. She quickly pulled out her fishing line and attempted to retrieve the cash out of Derrick's pocket. On her third try she was successful and reeled in a wad of notes.
"Now it's off to this place, the Leaky Caldron" said Tom reading her letter again. She set off up the road with all her belongings tied behind her in a sheet tied on a stick, as all good runaways must do.
Three days later Tom was outside the Leaky Caldron. She had walked all the way from Essex to London and if you know as much about English geography as Tommy-tim-tom, then you'll know that's a very long way. In truth she didn't actually walk all the way, she met a horse just outside of Nottinghamshire and high-jacked it and rode it until it died. It died because she kept hitting it with leeks, which goes to show there is such a thing as a circle of violence.
Inside the grimy bar Tom went up to the counter. She was a bit scared of the man behind the counter; he was missing teeth and for a second Tom thought that her relatives had tracked her down.
"Err yes hello, my name is Tommy-tim-tom-tibon, and I was wondering…" but Tom was cut off. A man in the corner, who Tom had mistook for a pile of rags, rustled, gave a loud yawn and looked round at her. He was a huge man, with a beard and hair in dire need of brushing. Tom longed to be allowed to wash his hair, straighten it, brush it then tie it all up in a pony tail, clipping it all perfectly in place.
"Did you jus' say ye' name was Tommy-tim-tom-tibon?" he asked
"Yes" said Tom, not knowing how on earth the beast of a man could have known her name.
"Oh darn, I knew I forgot summit!" he stood up and walked over to Tom, extending a large hand "I'm Hagrid, the 'Hogwarts grounds keeper, I was meant to come pick ye' up but I got a bit distracted."
"Oh" said Tom.
"I was meant to tell ye' all 'bout Hogwarts…" Hagrid said disappointedly
"Well my letter told me most of it I expect" Tom said
"Nah it didn't tell ye' 'bout the fund for students who can't afford their Spell books and wand though did it?" Hagrid said "By the looks of ye' you can't afford anything" said Hagrid rather bluntly.
"You mean I killed my brother for nothing?" said Tom angrily
"Killed ye' brother? What'd ye' do that for then eh?" Hagrid asked in a bemused sort of voice. "Oh well no use crying over spilt potion! Let's go get your spell books and all that"
So along with Hagrid the savage looking giant, Tom set off into Diagon Alley. Hagrid opened a large stone archway in the wall out behind the bar with a tap of his wand. Tom was entirely amazed by everything. They sold spell books as thick as Hagrid's matted hair. The different sights and smells were all quite distracting. Then Tom noticed something on the window of Madame Malkins robe shop. It was a poster with moving pictures on it talking about Voldemort and 'Death Eaters'.
"Oi Hagrid!" said Tom ungraciously. She didn't see the purpose in being nice to savages "Who's this Voldemort then?"
"Shhhh! We don' say the name!" Hagrid gasped "He's the most evil wizard there ever was! There's a war going on at the moment Tom, a wizard war! An' Voldemorts the leader of the Death Eaters! They go round killin' an' looting! Why it was only last summer they killed Prof. Dumbledore! He was the last Head Master see, great man he was too"
"Oh" said Tom not particularly impressed. There were about a dozen Muggle wars going on at the moment anyway.
Finally they reached the wand shop. It had just reopened after its owner; Mr Ollivander went on an unexpected holiday to Fiji and everyone had assumed he'd been killed, but there you go.
"Ahh why Tom, I have been waiting for you…" Mr Ollivander said eerily
"That's not weird" said Tom sarcastically.
"Now give this wand a wave, I'm sure it's perfect for you." He thrust a stick of wood into Tom's had. She waved it. Nothing happened.
"Ok then, try this, Unicorn Hair and Eskimo Blood, 14 inches" Tom waved it and again nothing happened. They went through about 10 more wands.
"Another tricky costumer eh? Well give this a go: Phoenix Leg and Dragon heart string" Tom waved it and low and behold a bunch of lilies appeared from the end!
"Ah, that's bizarre!" said Mr Ollivander startled.
"Why's that then?" Tom asked defensively
"Because, the Phoenix leg in your wand is the same Phoenix whose feathers are in the wands of Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort!"
"Well whoop de whoop!" said Tom angrily. She snatched up her wand and walked out of the store without paying.
Hagrid told Tom later that the Hogwarts train would be leaving tomorrow from Kingscross Station. Her platform was platform nine and three quarters. Tom asked to be dropped off at the Station so as not to be rushed in the morning. She spent the night sleeping on a bench and was first on the train when it arrived.
Tom sat in her compartment nervously. She was finally gonna make something of her life! There was a knock on her door and a small red head child entered the carriage.
"Oh hello, I'm Terry, Terry Weasley" he said in little more then a whisper
"Fool, didn't you read the sing? No ginga's allowed!" Tom yelled
"Gingas? What's a ginga?" Terry asked
"A red head freak like yourself, now OUT!" Tom shouted at the top of her lungs.
The boy slammed the door on his own foot in his haste to leave. A few minutes later the door opened again and a girl came in.
"Fucking hell that retarded red head nearly bowled me over just then! He's a Weasley though, no wonder" Tom immediately felt she liked this girl.
"My names Escargot and I'm sitting here now, hope you don't mind" Escargot said plunking herself down beside Tom.
"And you are?" she asked
"Tom" said Tom quickly
"Well that's a stupid name, so common, so vulgar!" Escargot said with her nose in the air.
"My real names Tommy-tim-tom-tibon actually" said Tom defensively. And on a sudden burst of inspiration she added "And inside my wand is the leg of the same Phoenix that gave the feathers that are inside Harry Potters and Voldemorts wands." She was tempted to say 'Beat that' but she refrained.
"Oh well I suppose that's something" Escargot said brushing her black hair. She was quite boring to look at; pale skin, black hair and grey eyes. "Are you pureblood? "
"No" said Tom. Hagrid had told her all about purebloods and Muggle-borns.
"Good, I shouldn't want to sit next to you if you were, they're bloody inbreeds the lot of them. You see all purebloods are related, in about 12 different ways, so when they go and marry each other it's like marrying your cousin 12 times over"
"I never thought of it like that" Tom said "Are you a half-blood then?"
"Yes and I'm the Heir of Ravenclaw too" Escargot added
"Really?" Tom asked her eyes as wide as if they'd been ripped open and stapled there.
"No not really, but it's easy to make people believe you are because nobody really knows do they?" Escargot said "So if I'm the Heir of Ravenclaw lets make you the Heir of Hufflepuff"
"Why am I Hufflepuff? Hufflepuff are loser-loser retards who cannot count past ten" Tom asked angrily
"Well Cedric Diggory was Hufflepuff and he was smarter then anyone from any of the other houses, as he was Hogwarts champion. So Hufflepuff are actually the best!"
"Who on earth is he?" Tom asked
"Oh never mind. And lets say your Grandfather invented Quidditch" Escargot said excitedly
"Ok," said Tom catching on to the idea "And your Aunty owns Dagon Alley"
"Yes! And your Great Uncle invented magic!"
This continued on for sometime. Finally there was a knock at the door and in came Terry Weasley AGAIN!
"Please please let me sit with you, it's cold out here and the other children tease me awfully"
"Fine, sit down and shut up" said Tom
"Yeah, do as she says, her Great Uncle invented Magic!" Escargot said with an air of truth about her.
"Wow did he really?" Terry asked
"No of course not, we just made up that our relatives did all these great things to sound cool."
"Oh what can mine have done?" Terry asked. Escargot looked to Tom and back to Terry.
"Let's say your Grandfather invented magically reinforced Chlamydia."
"Wicked" said Terry happily.
"Is it true you're an inbreed?" Tom asked after a moment's silence. Terry looked annoyed for a second and then it vanished.
"Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't." he said with an evangelical wink.
"Uh huh"
In no time at all the train had pulled into the Hogsmede station. Hagrid towered above everyone, except this really lanky 4th year.
"First years, over here!" he called. Tom, Terry and Escargot walked towards Hagrid rather nervously.
"Ready for ye' firs' year o' Hogwarts then?"