Dear Mrs Givller,
Even without your permission I have mowed your lawn.
I killed many wildlife habitats when I did this.
I also shaved the top of a hedgehog.
I noticed that your family was round your house the other day; I never knew that they were all Goths, all dressed in black, looking glum. They seemed to be very distraught, gazing at your pictures and crying.
I think that's a bit rude, you invited them round and they all look at one picture and start howling at how ugly you look, not saying you are ugly.
But more make up may help.
I have a friend, Sally Fairs… do you remember her?
She came round your house once and accidently smacked you over the head with a tea tray after you called her 'Lump'?
Anyway, Sally was in a play one time and had to wear extra make up (because they don't like ugly people on stage, I presume.) that she looked like a boy.
And when she came on stage I burst out laughing and she jumped from the stage into the audience to try and strangle me.
Little did she know I was watching it in the lighting box.
The play was put on halt for 15 minutes why she calmed down.
I am pretty certain that she has anger problems; a reason for this is that I once flicked her ear and she gave me a black eye and a dead leg.
Your cat has been going through my bins for a week now; do you not feed it?
However much it needs food can it not wait until the morning, instead of going through my bins at 3 o'clock in the morning?
I once had a dog who went through peoples rubbish and we always used to tell him off for it, until the found a finger.
It turned out that Mr. Dwain had a person hostage at his house, but he gave them biscuits and tea so it was all right I suppose.
But, obviously the hostage couldn't eat them, because they were tied and gagged.
I have just realized there is now a Hearse outside your house, (now I can see, thanks to my lovely cut grass.) it's travelling very slowly… is that not against the law?
How come speeding is against the law and yet trotting isn't?
It's just as dangerous… If I was behind a car that was going slower than me, and I was going at a normal speed, I would eventually hit it, after all I would be on my way to an important meeting whilst the person in front would be going to the supermarket, to get some pegs and deodorant.
Just make sure that you don't accidentally ram it if you come out your drive.
Like my mother did when she started to drive last year, she ran over my little brother reversing out the drive.
It was okay though, only his foot got ran over, and he had to wear one shoe a size bigger than the other for a while.
I am inviting Andy, Jessie and my parents round next week in fact.
You cannot come over.
It is a family event, and why would you want to? You have only ever spoken to my mother, and that was when I was in the ambulance with my two broken hands… She wasn't in the most talkative of moods, if you remember she called to a bat.
You may get along with my father; he is interested in old stuff.
He owns an antique shop in Royston, 'Old Gold? Sold.' It's nearly out of business.
He used to always come back from work smelling of dust and talcum powder. I used to always think that his hair was covered in dust too, then I found out that he was forty two. That was five years ago.
My mother is older that him, which I find strange. There's a whole three years apart from them both.
Whenever I see girls with men now, the men are older… Maybe my dad is lying… I will ring him up tonight. Don't worry.
And my little siblings, Andy and Jessie, who I never talk about because I never see.
They're the main reason why I invited my family round; I don't actually care what my parents are doing, because they're both so old (no offence, but past forty five is the limit… you're eighty aren't you?) and do nothing, or next to nothing.
Anyway, to summarise.
Grass is cut.
Your family is one of Goths.
Sally has anger issues.
Kill your cat.
Mr Dwain is in prison.
My family is coming round, you're not.
Yours sincerely Doug Lark