Title: I Wear A Halo When You Look At Me - Chapter One
Pairing: Brittana
Rating: PG-13 (I think)
Summary: Santana decides to stay in New York after Nationals to help her get the courage to come out and then she comes out with Brittany right beside her.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the Characters I've used.
Spoilers: None (I think)
Authors Notes: This is my first fanfic so I hope it's okay and also, sorry for any incorrect Spanish, I don't speak it and I used a translater so...
This chapter is just to get to the actual story of Santana coming out and her relationship with Brittany. The following chapters will be a lot different to this one.
Santana knew that she couldn't go back to Lima after Nationals. She couldn't spend her summer either without Brittany or hiding the fact that she was with Brittany. She needed to find herself, to find courage to be true with herself, to find the courage she needed to come out. New York was the place to do that, she decided.
Mr. Shue. of course refused to leave without her so Santana had to get her father on the phone with him, telling him she was staying in New York. Julian Lopez cared about his daughter but couldn't find the strength to argue with her over the phone and refuse her request and then have her mope around the house because he hadn't given into her. He was much too busy for that, as was her mother, Rosa Lopez. After a long phone call that left her father less than happy, he agreed to let her stay for the summer provided she contacted them daily to let them know she was okay. The only reason he had agreed was because he'd arranged for Santana to stay with her aunt and young cousins who lived in New York and after giving Santana the address, telling her to stay safe and out of trouble, the conversation ended and Santana smiled.
The young Latina broke the news to Brittany who was not at all happy. Trying to explain to the blond girl was difficult because the truth was that Santana wanted nothing more than to spend every single day of summer with her but she couldn't do that openly yet and she knew it would hurt their relationship because Brittany wanted them to be a couple publicly.
Brittany pouted but told Santana that she was okay with it. Santana knowing her best friend too well knew that she wasn't.
"It's only for the summer, Britt. I'll be back for school." Santana explained, a comforting hand laid on the taller girls shoulder. It was harder than she thought to leave Brittany, despite it only being for a short period of time. But this was for Brittany, for them. Santana needed to see that she could be accepted as a lesbien so she wouldn't be afraid to come out and so she could officially make Brittany hers.
"I know." Brittany smiled but there was sadness in her eyes. "I'm just going to miss you."
"I'll miss you too." Santana told her genuinely. She knew she would. She missed the blond girl after being apart form her for just a few hours but if she didn't do this they wouldn't be able to be together.
"Santana?" Brittany lifted her head to meet the Latina's sad brown eyes. Her hand crawled across her own thigh and found Santana's hand. Slipping their fingers together, Brittany sniffed before she continued. "What if you meet someone else?"
The words broke the Latina's heart. She thought the exact same about Brittany; what if she met someone when Santana wasn't there? What if she went back to Artie? Santana knew herself that even if she did meet someone else, another pretty girl, she would never want or like or need or love her as much as she did Brittany. She wasn't worried about that at all but she was worried about Brittany finding someone in her absence.
"What if you meet someone else?" Santana directed Brittany's question back to her, an eyebrow raised.
It made Brittany chuckle slightly and then pout. Santana thought that those were the little things she was going to miss most about Brittany in the coming month or so. With a reassuring squeeze on Santana's hand, Brittany shook her head.
"I wont." She said confidently but her voice was still sad. "I know that I wont. It's just...this is New York. I've seen like a million hot girls and I haven't even been here that long and you're going to be here for at least a month! I just..."
Brittany stopped talking with a sigh when she met Santana's eyes.
"Britt, that would defeat the whole purpose of me staying here in the first place!" Santana smiled gently scooting closer to Brittany on the bed they had shared the previous night. Santana had had to bride Rachel into switching rooms with her with tickets to a stupid musical that cost her a fortune. They didn't have sex, they just held each other, something Santana had wanted to do since Brittany and Artie broke up but she never found the chance to. "I'm only staying here so, you know..." Santana trailed off, embarrassed.
"So you will be brave enough to be my girlfriend?" Brittany offered both sweetly and slightly insensitively although she didn't know it.
"Well yeah." Santana sighed, not liking that Brittany thought that she wasn't brave enough, despite it being true.
"But I already think you're brave." Brittany argued and Santana thought that Brittany was reading her mind.
"I'm not though, Britt. And I want to be, I really do. I want to be brave for you and that's why I need to stay here." The words came out smoother than they were in Santana's head and Brittany nodded, understanding.
"Okay." Brittany agreed. "I love you and I want us to be able to kiss and hold hands and for you to be okay about it."
Santana smiled at Brittany, knowing that she was the only one who ever understood her.
"But, we're not together right now." Brittany said slowly and Santana raised an eyebrow. Santana had assumed that because of last night and today and all of the time they spent together in New York that they were in fact together.
"Sorry?" Her voice was high like she expected it to be, but she didn't expect to sound so nervous.
"You're going to stay here, San and you can't have a girlfriend." Brittany said, confusing the smaller girl. "If you want to..." Brittany swallowed. "If you want to kiss other girls then you can and you know other stuff too."
"I don't want to kiss girls and 'other stuff too'." Santana frowned.
"I'm just saying that if you were to meet a girl you thought was pretty then you can do those things and I wont be mad or upset just as long as you don't fall in love with any of them." She sounded sad and she was. Brittany didn't actually want Santana to do those things but she wanted to give her the freedom to be able to if i she /i wanted. The thought of Santana and anyone else made her heart hurt but she wouldn't tell the Latina that.
"I'm only staying here to get away from Lima, to see that I can actually be accepted for who I am. Britt, the only person I love is you. " Santana whispered, squeezing the blonds hand tightly in her own.
"Good." Brittany nodded. "So, you can kiss them and stuff and get all brave so you can come back and kiss me again, okay?"
Santana understood what Brittany was saying but she had no desire to go after girls in New York. She simply wanted to walk the city proudly as a lesbian and let people she met know what her sexual preferences were without being afraid.
"So you'll do it?" Brittany asked when Santana didn't speak. "You'll kiss other girls and tell them that you're a lesbian?"
"Well...okay, sure." Santana nodded, not wanting to get into an argument about it when Brittany was leaving in only a few hours.
"Just remember you love me but, okay?" Brittany leaned forward towards Santana, her eyes trusting.
"Of course." Santana agreed, knowing that that was one thing she was never going to forget.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, both girls thinking deeply about the situation. Santana was nervous about it all but Brittany, who couldn't think of anything but being Santana's girlfriend in a few weeks, was excited.
"Wait." Santana frowned, shaking her head slightly. "No, I mean, I don't think this is a good idea. I don't want you to hook up with other people."
"I wont." Brittany shrugged, the thought having not actually crossed her mind. It was silly that Santana had thought about that, Brittany thought.
"Yeah, but it's not exactly right for me to go around doing it then, is it?" Santana questioned still having no intentions of even being in a position where she would ever kiss another person.
"I know who I am, San. I know that I like boys and girls and I accept that." Brittany smiled and then chuckled, "I'll tell everyone that!"
Santana had to laugh at Brittany's excitement about the subject but she also envied the taller girl for being able to love who she was and be comfortable enough to share it with the world. At same time she was so glad that Brittany was so comfotable with herself because she would never wanted the blond to feel afraid or scared.
"But that doesn't even matter." Brittany went on. "Because I only like you. I only love you, San. I want to tell people that too, when you're ready. You can hook up with girls so you can get ready and brave but I don't need to do that 'cause I'm already brave!" Brittany smiled happily.
"You sure are." Santana mumbled, smiling at Brittany. "I love you."
The words were so easy to say when they were alone, so natural and Santana just knew that she was going to be so proud when she could tell everyone that she loved the dancer.
"I love you, too." Brittany smiled. "So..." She tugged her hand from Santana's and held up her pinky finger. The Latina grinned and wrapped her own pinky around Brittany's finger. "I'll see you next month?"
"I'll see you next month. And I promise that you're the only person I'll ever love." Santana added the last bit to reassure Brittany, who she could tell was now a little anxious about the whole situation.
"Come here." Brittany grinned, her cheeks flushing red slightly. With that Santana fell into Brittany's open arms, holding the blond tightly, committing to memory Brittany's smell and the way their bodies fitted together, although she knew she could never forget. Brittany, who buried her face in Santana's hair, was doing the exact same thing.
A few hours later, the Glee club were saying goodbye to Santana and stepping into their taxi's to head to the airport. Rachel stole a surprising hug, telling Santana to be safe. Rachel knew that Santana and Brittany loved each other and her thoughts were confirmed after being bribed last night to switch rooms so they could be together. Rachel didn't say anything to anyone else and she wouldn't, she knew it was serious and although she wasn't exactly friends with Santana, the Latina had been a lot nicer to her than usual and of course, Rachel liked Brittany and wanted to see the dancer happy. Santana had almost killed the little diva a few nights ago after not placing high enough at Nationals but she was over it now and Rachel seemed to be too.
Brittany and Santana had said their tearful goodbyes in the hotel room and left each other with a tight hug and a whispered 'I love you' before Brittany stepped into the taxi, watery eyed beside Rachel who reached for her hand.
Santana stayed in the hotel for the night and early in the afternoon the next day, she arrived at her aunts house. Her Aunt Emesta was thrilled to see the Latina and Santana had to admit that she was excited too. The woman was in her mid-thirties but she understood Santana like no other adult did and Emesta was the first person, other than Brittany and Dave who she came out to.
"Oh, Santana!" Emesta had grinned, pulling Santana in for a hug. "Why are you so afraid to tell your mami and papi that? I would never have thought though, you were always running around with boys!"
Santana returned Emesta's enthusiastic hug, completely gobsmacked by her reaction. She thought the dark-haired woman would accept that she was a lesbian just because that's the kind of person she was but she never thought Emesta would be so excited about it.
"I know, tia. " Santana whispered into the older womans chest. "I was confused and ashamed but..."
"You shouldn't be ashamed, i querida! /i " Emesta gasped pushing Santana back to look at her face. "You are perfect the way you are, no matter who you are attracted to!"
Santana couldn't help but grin and think how easy it was to say she was a lesbian out loud.
"Please don't tell my mom and dad." The Latina's smile fell. "I'm going to when I go home, when I'm ready to. I'm scared of what they'll say."
"Oh, Santana!" Emesta giggled. "Rosa will never care about whether you're straight or not, she just wants to see you happy, sweetheart! I don't know about your father, he's always been...you know but he loves you, you know he loves you."
Santana shivered in the older womans arms. She was right about her father, he wouldn't accept her. He hated anyone who wasn't the same as him, anyone who was different. It was strange though because even though he was like that he was still a great father and Santana did love him. Would he love her enough not to chuck her out when she came out to them? Santana didn't know if she would be able to tell him. As far as she knew her father wansn't totally homophobic but there were little things that he did that showed he didn't like gay people; Santana remembers how he would turn the tv off if a gay couple were on it, he had never spoken a word to the woman next door because he'd seen her with another woman and the time the Glee club were at her house, her father took her aside to ask about Kurt and he had looked so disgusted. Santana had been so scared then and pushed so far back into the closet that she refused to even aknowledge that she was a lesbian for weeks after. He was going to hate her.
"So..." The older woman nudged Santana playfully with a smirk, brining Santana away from all the negative thoguths about her father. "Is there anyone special, then?"
Santana looked down shyly and then nodded much to Emesta's delight.
"Tell me about her, what's her name?" Emesta quizzed.
"Brittany." Santana immediately responded. She realized as soon as she said the girls name, that when she was a lesbian she was much less of a bitch and more open. There was nothing to hide when she could admit who she was and she could be open, she didn't have to defend herself as much or be as angry. Being honest was easier. So much easier.
Santana went on to tell Emesta all about Brittany, all about their relationship and she felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She could breath now. She had never shared this part of herself with anyone other than Brittany and she had never discussed her relationship with anyone other than Brittany either.
"You must bring her to meet us!" Emesta grinned when Santana was finished talking. "I want to know the girl who's made my sobrina so happy!"
"I will." Santana promised genuinely with a smile.
The rest of Santana's time spent in the company of Emesta and her two equally accepting 13 year old cousins was as it would have been had Santana not admitted that she was a lesbian. They didn't treat her differently, something that Santana was so glad about.
The Latina missed Brittany so much more than she thought she would and it was difficult for her to get to sleep most nights. She worried about the blond, knowing that it was usually her who put her right and helped her and she wasn't there. There was no way to contact Brittany because the blond girl had lost her cell phone in a swimming pool a few days before their trip to New York, how that happened, Santana still had no clue and the Pierce's didn't have a home phone.
During her days in New York, Santana helped Emesta with the house and the girls who Santana grew to adore. She took them out sometimes for ice-cream or to the cinema. Other days, Santana just wondered the streets, taking in the sights and breathing in the air.
On a particularly sunny Friday afternoon when Santana strolled lazily through Central Park, she met a girl called Grace. Santana had taken a seat on a nearby bench and stretched her legs out, taking in the sunlight. Grace had sat down on the same bench, pulling out a book and reading silently. Santana didn't fail to notice the blond hair girl sneaking glances at her over the top of her book on several occasions and decided to talk to her.
"Hey." Santana had smiled simply. Santana knew that if the girl was in fact attracted to her like she was led to believe then she didn't need to say much, just her smile would be enough.
"Hi." Grace had smiled back, lowering her book.
Santana realized that her eyes were blue, not as blue and not nearly as beautiful as Brittany's but blue nonetheless. The Latina smirked when she looked properly at the girl and realized just how much she looked like Brittany. Grace's hair was a lighter shade of blond but it fell mostly the same way Brittany's did, the girl was tall like Brittany and her smile reminded Santana of the girl she loved too.
"Santana." The Latina extended her hand which Grace took quickly and shook.
"I'm Grace." She replied and closed her book, setting it down beside her.
They looked at each other for a moment, both breaking out into a grin at the same time.
"So you're into me right?" Santana gestured at her body, smiling cockily.
"You're not shy!" Grace giggled, her cheeks turning a bright shade of red.
"That I'm not." Santana agreed liking the effect she was having on the girl. "I'm gay, by the way." Santana added with a shrug deciding just to go for it and say it. She felt her cheeks warm when she did say it but it was something she needed to do. She needed to just say it, say it to anyone, she wanted to be accepted again like the way her aunt and cousins had accepted her.
"Okay." Grace smiled shyly. "Me too." The girl shrugged.
Santana had never felt more confident in her entire life than she did in that moment. She had admitted to someone she didn't know that she liked women and it had come so easily. Luckily for her it was someone in a position to understand, considering she was gay too. Santana began to wonder whether on not she was making a bigger deal out of coming out than it needed to be because so far, in New York, it had been super easy.
The girls talked for a long time on the bench and agreed to meet in the same place the next day. Santana had to admit that Grace was hot, she did look an awful lot like Brittany after all and Santana was attracted to her. In the next week, they grew close and they almost slept together.
Santana regretted it the second it happened because in her head she was with Brittany, despite the blond saying otherwise. They had gone to some club, Santana was far too young to even get into and she got more than tipsy and decided that she wanted to see what it was like to be with another woman who wasn't Brittany. The Latina needed to know for sure that she was in fact, attracted to women in general and that she enjoyed sleeping with women and not just Brittany, before she could come out to her parents. Although she didn't actually have sex with Grace, they got far enough for Santana to know that she was more than sure she like women.
Santana felt sick with herself, like she'd cheated on Brittany, and she knew in her heart that she had but she needed to be sure and the experience helped her in some way at least. It confirmed two things for her; one, she was indeed a lesbian and women were much better than men and two, she was in love with Brittany and no matter how scared she was, she was going to come out for her, to be with her.
Santana walked out of Grace's apartment the second she sobered up while they were making out on Grace's couch and went straight back to Emesta's house and showered. She felt dirty and guilty even though Brittany said it was okay.
It had been something she needed to do but Santana would never do something like that again, even with Brittany's permission. She just wanted Brittany again and so one week before the end of the month, Santana packed her things up and left for Lima.
Emesta was sad to see her go as were Lily and Gabriella but Santana promised to return soon with Brittany. The trip back was long and Santana was nervous to see Brittany again. She was going to tell her what had happened, how sorry she was about it and how it wouldn't happen ever again and then she was going to tell her parents she was gay.
When Santana got back to Lima, she headed home to get showered and changed before she went to see Brittany. Her parents greeted her, welcoming her back, telling her that they missed her and refusing to let her leave before they'd all had dinner and Santana told them about her stay in New York. She couldn't help but wonder what her father would have done had she told him why she wanted to stay threre in the first place or what she got up to there. She just didn't know how he would react.
Santana hurried out the door after that and took her car to Brittany's. She waited outside for an entire 15 minutes before knocking on the blond's door and waiting to see her again. She didn't want to tell Brittany about what had happened with Grace, she barely remembers she was that drunk but she would. She wouldn't keep anything from Brittany and the taller girl was sure to ask her about what she had gotten up to. Santana wasn't sure whether or not Brittany would think it was that much of a big deal.
The door was pulled open and Santana's heart stopped when she saw Brittany standing there. The looked at each other for a moment and then lunged towards each other at the same time, grinning.
"I missed you so much, Britt!" Santana whispered into Brittany's shoulder, hugging her so tightly her own arms ached.
Brittany held Santana in an equally tight grip repeating 'I missed you' over and over again between kissed against her head.