AN: This fic is dedicated to my best friend aeriths-rain, with my most sincere apologies. I hope she understands what I mean. To all the others who read my work, I am sorry about the delays, my Internet is still broken and, as the exam season is now quite comprehensively upon us, alas updates will now have the rarity of gold dust. Partially because ideas have a similar rare value. However, I hope this fic is a pleasure to read, please excuse any OOC-ness as I am very nervous currently, and RXR.

I feel like a child again. So weak, pathetic. Begging for someone to love me, anyone. I try my best, just as I did then, to meet all expectations, to be a good son to my father. Or a good lord to my staff. A brother to my sister.

Everything is so difficult. Your hands on me again bring me back to reality but as my head tosses on the pillow the dark thoughts return. I know this labyrinth, I have walked here before, seen these twisting passages of madness and depression, know the darkness like the feel of the hands on me now. You saved me then, can you save me now?

This time the threat is not external, there is no-one who you can appeal to for help. It is me, my own darkness, my own sin, my own stain devouring me now. The knowledge that I am not good enough. Not for you, not for anyone.

I try to do as society expects, dressing like who they believe me to be, acting like who they want to see, knowing that any moment the lie could fall around my ears, this carefully constructed web of acting and deceit that only you can see through. When I flirt with the young ladies I can see you out of the corner of my eye, watching over me, and your laughing eyes pierce me like a dagger in my heart. The expression in your face looks right through me, makes me admit in my heart what I already know to be true. My heart screams it for the world to hear but my lips will not co-operate, will not, CAN not break through these lies anymore.

I need you.

I love you.

I cannot live without you.

I cannot lose you.

If you leave me I will die.

The moment you betray me my life is over.

You hold my soul in your hands like one of those butterflies. Do you remember those butterflies Riff? The first time I had met someone with as many demons as myself, the time I tried to save him as you saved me, show him there was another way. And he turned from me and jumped.

It would be so easy for me to turn away from you and jump now, but you have carried me too far from the edge. I cannot leave you, not unless you leave me first.

You may be just a butler, and I, the lord and master but I know that you are a better person than I could ever be. Not everyone who you follow, not everyone who you love is taken away from you. That is why I cannot admit it, not even murmur it silently to you in the night for fear of my father's demons spiriting it away and you with it.

Then I feel your slender fingers lifting my chin, hear your deliciously dark voice calling my name.

"Are you alright sir?"

"Of course Riff. Merely a little weary."

You smile that knowing smile at me again and my own lips twitch in reply.

And the shadows lighten a little, fading to grey, fading away from me as the sun shines down upon our faces. Your strong arms enfold me and the world drifts away. I remind myself that you will never leave, and this brief oasis of calm and safety is enough once more.

AN: okay... well... the plot I had, which was only a vague idea to start with, kind of disappeared the moment I sat down to write this, so it may well be edited in the very near future. Not entirely sure what went wrong there... If you have any ideas on how to fix this broken fic, please feel free to tell me!