By Amai
Disclaimer- Digimon and all it's characters are not copyright me, but copyright Toei Animation/Bandai (there probably are others, but I can't remember offhand). I wish they were, but sadly, not all wishes come true. The only thing that's copyright me is this fanfic, so no stealing, kiddies.
Author's Notes- Wow..this fic is depressing. I can't really say anything about it without giving everything away, but it's not truly a suicide fic. Yes, another standalone..but I'll try to work on my other series soon! Just bear with me here. I got this idea by reading one fanfic..but I can't remember the name unfortunately. And if anyone wants to talk to me on AOL IM, you'll have to wait until February..because I'm not sure if I could get on at my father's office, and I don't have internet access at home for anothe month. But I'll try to post of fics! Okay..enough of my talking. Please Read and Review..you know how warm and fuzzy and makes Amai. :)
To die....I would love to do just do that.
I've contemplated life and death before...and death seems more satisfactory. Life was a useless necessity for me...I wonder why I was even born. Was I born to ruin the perfect lives of the others? Perfection...it would have existed if I wasn't here. If I couldn't feel...maybe, maybe that would work.
I wouldn't have to love her. Him....I don't even know anymore. My reality is broken. I have no idea who I was loving. All I know is that I was denied their mutual feelings.
Once, I had written a poem for the both of them. It was based on their names....what were their names again? In my delirium I can't remember. Oh, yes....Hi..Hikari. Yagami Hikari. And the other was Ichijouji Ken.
They were my light, and my darkness....that both rejected me.
Well, at least it was more obvious with Hikari. I had never even talked to Ken about something like that...he wouldn't need to know. He wouldn't even love me in the first place...he could just go into Miyako's arms. He'd be better off there in the first place...even if he didn't know it. But Hikari...the sweet light that had penetrated into my dull soul at such a young age.
She's beautiful.
But a person can only hold so much rejection. I knew she didn't love me...but I wished...I believed that she was just hiding it. Childish thoughts...but aren't I a child? I don't even know anymore. What day is it? What time....? It all seems like a blur as I stand here, alone in my room, illuminated by the moon.
I left chibimon in the digital world. He'd be safer there...not knowing what I was going to do. Well, isn't it obvious? I read somewhere in a book about the archetypal hero that 'death was the ultimate conquest'. Does that make me a hero? I don't know...I don't know a lot of things..like what's going on in my head now.
Death is the ultimate conquest....
I wonder, would I really be missed if I just jumped now? It would make a mess...down there and all. Blood dripping out of my lifeless body as people would stare. Figures. The only attention I would get is when I'm dead....but is that what I want? Attention?
I pined for it when I watched Takeru and Hikari walking along together..in the park, next to the river...so perfect.
Is it so bad to be imperfect in this world of ours? I have always fallen for the perfect person...first, the angel Hikari. Then...Ken. The name holds true to him. Intelligent. He wasn't just intelligent, he was another perfect one...good at everything. Even when it was down to being evil. One could say that was imperfect...but in its own crooked way, it still held the same meaning of Hikari's presence. If he loved me...then...I'm sorry to him..because in all his perfectness, his one flaw is my demise. But it's better for everyone...it truly is.
I'm standing up, next to my windowsill. I never said goodbye...but I don't think it would have mattered anyway. No one can stop me now...I want to die. I need to die....so I can get out of this hell that is my life.
But...but..as I stare down the stories, down to the concrete ground..
...I can't jump. Fear, fear is racking through my body...building a wall in front of my destiny. No! No...I must leave! Why can't it be understood! I must leave...I must finally have peace....but I can't jump. I can kill myself. I am afraid.
And as my limp hands dangle from the windowsill, I cry...I cry for what I have just realized...I can never escape the pain....torture...it's an everlasting cycle.
For I have condemned myself to a more disgusting and terrifying fate.
To live.