I have to stop writing these kind of oneshots. You'll see what I mean.
This is a songfic inspired by …And Love Said No by the amazing H.I.M. Some lyrics are in there. Whatever. I wrote this as an update was lacking for the others.
Oh and HUGE love to…sorry I forget the username…the person who added me to their community thing
"Kill me."
Riff's words drifted out into the darkness and were stolen by the cold winter wind. Hours of deliberation in front of the bathroom mirror had ended up with him being here, kneeling on the gravel of the drive and staring up into the velvet night sky as though it would yield some answers. To his great distress, it didn't.
It hurt. It came down to a statement as simple as that. Loving someone so arrogant, so selfish so…self possessed hurt more than anything. And yet, that same person was innocent, fragile and vulnerable. Riff could never find it in him to hate such a creature and when looking for another emotion, could find nothing but love.
The gravel stones bit into the flesh of his pale hands and the wind howled around him. Riff paid it no attention. His mind was drifting back inexorably, as always, to Cain…
When Cain had first entered his life, Riff saw him as nothing more than a child. True, he was a special child that Riff would protect with his life but still, just a child. As time had passed it became painfully clear that Cain was no longer a beautifully innocent child, he was a beautifully innocent man, with an expression hinting towards lascivious activities he barely understood. Something about that expression was indescribably attractive and before Riff had been able to stop himself, he had been taken in by it completely.
Did Cain no? Most certainly not. He may be an adult now but he was far from shrewd on these matters. He would most likely never notice the subtle glances, the light touches, the whispers in the darkness when Riff was the only one left awake…
"Kill me." He said again and glared hatefully at his own wrists.
They were slightly scratched from where he had almost done the deed but had shied away. He couldn't stand to live like this. He felt dirty. It was terrible to realise that as beautiful a feeling as love could turn into something repulsive, to be confined to the secret world of the night. During the day, Riff would stifle his thoughts.
He bit his lip so hard it bled to keep from screaming. Some days, he wished that Cain would so something, anything that gave Riff a good enough reason to leave. He was sure that if he had a reason, he could do it, he could escape the web of pain that Cain had unknowingly spun around him. Part of him whispered that this wasn't true. Riff would never leave and he knew that.
It was more than duty. It was more than care. It was more than morals. It was love that kept Riff from leaving.
"Kill me!" He finally screamed at the black sky. And silently, love said no.
He suddenly heard footsteps crunching down the path. They were hurrying for once, and as they got nearer Riff could hear laboured breathing. So Cain had been worried, had he?
"Riff!" he called, finally pulling up next to the stricken man. "What's the matter with you?"
For a moment, Riff considered yelling his request again but one glimpse of that perfect face was enough to mute him. At that moment, he knew he was out of hope. As long as he could remember what Cain looked like, he would never be able to die. Not unless he died protecting the one he loved.
"Nothing." Riff murmured and let himself be pulled to his feet by a slender hand.
"Are you sure?" Cain's face was a mask of worry. Riff wondered why he was worried; did he really care what happened to Riff or was he simply worried for his own welfare if left alone?
"Yes milord." Riff shrugged. "I…. don't know what came over me. It's nothing to worry about."
As they walked back up the path to the house together, Riff was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the worry etched into Cain's face. The young master had realised that Riff would have something near to a breakdown every few months and wished he knew why so he could make it right.
He wanted to hold him, kiss his pain away but didn't have the courage. He wanted to tell him that everything was okay, wrap him in beautiful words until he forgot the pain but knew he just didn't have the words to say. It was a hopeless situation.
They walked back into the house without saying a word. Riff shot a glance at his master and swallowed a scream of frustration.
"Leave me for dead." He thought and began to shake when another part of him began to laugh. Love would never let him go, and it would never be his salvation. But as long as it was there, he could survive.
Love rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding with a smile on your face.
And that moment, Riff knew he was out of hope again.
Tell me what you think, please. I know its weird.
See what I mean about how I have to stop? I put Riff through hell