Title: That I Might Reach You
Category: Daniel/Janet pre-ship
Rating/warnings, etc: PG-13. Mild dark!fic. ~3200 words.
Summary: What happened to Janet during Absolute Power?
Disclaimer: No profit is being made and no infringement is intended.
A/N: Written for pellucid (forgive me for ending with a preposition!)
Thank you to colej55 for the beta.
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Shifu spoke in riddles, but when he innocently asked if he would get his blood back after the test, Janet couldn't help but smile. It was a glimpse of the child he should have been.
Daniel had shared the smile with her and afterwards, after the briefing, they had spoken privately about their respective concerns for Shifu. The discussion had continued when he came over for dinner, though they kept the conversation light in Cassie's presence. After she'd gone to bed – apparently, while she was too old to have Mom tuck her in anymore, she was quiet happy when Daniel came to read her a story of ancient lands and adventure – they sat together and whispered about what was being asked of Sha're's child and where he would go afterwards.
It was a familiar situation, feeling as if they were the only ones who could see the problem inherent to the solution brought up in the briefing room. Janet had been there before – after all, she had to find the balance between her role as medical Doctor and Air Force officer and it frequently wasn't easy – so it had been somewhat of a relief to come to the SGC and find someone who felt the same. It was something shared that brought them closer together.
It wasn't that Sam – or the Colonel for that matter – lacked a conscience. It was just that they came from different directions in their thinking. Janet understood that, understood the necessity of seeing the bigger picture and doing smaller unsavoury things to achieve the final ends. She often became privately frustrated though and Daniel had become someone she could talk to about it. In turn, she helped mellow him when his civilian indignation got the better of him.
As such, it came as a shock when, as the months passed after he collapsed and ended up in the infirmary, Daniel stopped coming to talk to her. Initially he stopped visiting her house, though she had put that down to all the work he was doing on translating scribbles from his mind into something Sam could understand. Then he stopped coming to see her at work. He stopped being a regular visitor to the infirmary and, while that was good from a heath point of view, she wasn't so happy about the lack of friendly visits. She stopped being privy to his thinking and worries and plans. The simple fact that he had these plans was surprise enough. Daniel was often impulsive and she'd never known him to be so…scheming. It worried her to begin with, before it started to frighten her.
As he got more and more involved in his work, she would make an effort to stop by his office and check up on him. He may have stopped coming to see her, but she'd be damned if she was going to reciprocate. She knew it amounted to nagging, but he knew the score. She did it to everyone if she felt it was warranted. Plans for protecting the Earth aside, this had gone on long enough.
"Daniel?"
"Just leave them on the table." His tone was distracted and he didn't even turn from the white board he was studying. Janet frowned.
She tried again, inadvertently channelling Dana Scully. "Daniel, it's me." Yeah, well, her life did sometimes seem to be one giant X-File…
His brow furrowed and his lips mumbled something inaudible. Then finally he looked around. "Hmm? Oh. Hello Janet."
She felt a slight smile tug at her lips. Despite her concern, this focus was typically Daniel, just taken up a notch or five. She'd be much more worried if he suddenly lost interest in his work. If only she could fully assure herself that this really was his work…
She donned her doctor face. "I realise you're busy, but I'm going to nag you now, ok?"
He blinked.
"When was the last time you slept?"
"Uhh…I'm not sure. But!" he rapidly continued, "This is important. You know it is."
"Uh-huh. Ate?"
"I had a sandwich earlier…" he gestured to the desk and trailed off. The sandwich sat untouched on a plate.
Janet pressed her lips together in disapproval. "Alright, I'm going to bring you something up and I want to you eat it, please. Don't make me stand here and watch you."
He sighed. "Janet, it doesn't matter. It is imperative to finish this so that the teams know what they are doing. Also, the various funding sources need to see we're making progress. There's a deadline and I'm the only one with the information."
She narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, a deadline. That's another thing. You are all pushing too hard. If you won't care about your own health, then at least think of the personnel on the teams. They are tired and stressed, working to impossible schedules. And I get the impression that any ease-up is punished. For one, I don't advocate that kind of work environment, even if I'm kept out of the loop." She shot him a pointed look.
"It is not impossible. It can be done." A steely expression came over his features, one Janet had never seen before. She resisted the urge to take a step back.
"Just listen to you! Since when did you judge progress to be more important than people? I'm sure you can do it, but have you stopped to think whether you should? This isn't you, Daniel!" She hadn't meant to shout at him, but in the face of his utter disregard for others, she found her shock turning to anger.
He stared at her a moment, coldly. Then he turned back to the board. "Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you thought."
She was still reeling when she got home that evening, prompting Cassie to ask if she was ok. Janet reassured her that she was fine and, after a quiet meal, Cassie went to finish her homework, leaving Janet sitting on the couch alone with her thoughts.
Her dreams were shifting, tinted with a sense of dread, so when a banging at the door woke her, she couldn't help the rising apprehension as she hurried to open it. Daniel was standing there, looking determined and not at all apologetic.
"Daniel, it's 3am!" she hissed.
"I need you to—" he began loudly.
"Shh!" she cut him off. "You'll wake Cass. Come through and sit down, I need some tea to wake up."
When she returned he was standing by the hearth, staring at a photo of their little almost-family – herself and Daniel, either side of a grinning Cassie. His expression was stony, almost as if he were looking at a photo of another man's happiness. It made her want to reach for him.
Sensing her presence, he turned around and she knew then, suddenly, that he was untouchable – beyond contact – and she was no longer welcome to comfort him. The knowledge made her heart lurch. She was never one for idle daydreams, but when Cassie had once casually mentioned Daniel's increasingly frequent appearances at their home and how happy she was that he chose to be a part of their family, Janet realised that she looked forward to his visits, too. She enjoyed his company, found his humour, intelligence and sensitivity refreshing, and it was flattering to discover that Cassie wasn't the only reason he spent time with them. Janet secretly had hopes for a future, nurtured by the occasional flirtation or glance or smile.
Those hopes had been crumbling in recent months and now his lack of concern for Cassie shattered them completely, leaving nothing but a hollow ache in her chest. This wasn't Daniel.
He lowered his voice a little and continued, "I need you to understand how important this is." The determination, the drive…that was Daniel, but she knew the methods he was using to obtain a working Goa'uld shield. And she'd heard about lists of personal requests. The Daniel she had known and dared to begin to love would never do something so diva-esque.
"Why do you care what I think? You've made it clear that you no longer consider me good company and you evidently don't care what the consequences are as long as you do what needs to be done to complete your weapon system…" Getting her out of bed at 3am was guaranteed to test her patience, especially as this was the first visit he'd made to her house in months.
"It does need to be done! I don't know why you can't understand – you're military." He gestured at her. She was fairly sure she'd just been insulted. "Would you rather I sat on this knowledge and let the Goa'uld destroy us?"
"No. But what's the point in saving Earth if we have to go to these lengths to keep it safe? I feel as if we are dancing with the dark here." She may not have seen the whole picture, but nothing good would come of it all, she was sure. She'd learnt to trust her instincts long ago.
"Are you saying I'm not doing the right thing here? That I'm no better than the Goa'uld?" Daniel challenged.
"No." Not yet, she didn't add.
He narrowed his eyes. "I've been through this with Jack already. I've not got time for your doubts, so if that's all you can bring me, don't bother me at work again. I can't afford any delays."
"No indeed, God forbid." There was a definite undercurrent of hostility in the room now. Janet sighed and lightened her tone. "Well, if you happen to come to your senses at any point, you are still welcome here. Though perhaps not at 3am." He didn't smile.
She didn't see him smile at all in the following weeks and months, but then it wasn't often that she saw him, period. Not without an appointment.
The Stargate program as it existed before had become more or less defunct, with all resources and funding being diverted to the shield program instead. Janet had taken up a more permanent post at The Academy Hospital, requesting positions for as many of her staff as possible. She was available in an on-call capacity for the SGC, should they need her, but there was rarely any word out of the mountain these days. She missed the post, missed the people. Missed Daniel, though she'd never admit it. She knew better than to use his name so casually – she'd heard of people who had spoken out and then vanished from their homes.
Most worrying was her recent inability to contact Sam. They'd kept in touch, meeting up when schedules allowed, quietly sharing their concerns for the increasingly powerful Jackson estate. Apparently, Teal'c had gone missing, though neither of them could tell if he had just returned to the Jaffa now that he was no longer needed at the SGC. Or maybe he'd seen this descent into insanity before anyone else and gotten out while he could.
She was due to meet up with Sam at the weekend, but two days ago, Janet had called and there had been no answer. Repeatedly. And no response to messages left on her machine. The growing feeling of dread only increased when she drove over and found no one home and Sam's car still in the driveway.
She spent hours waiting on the line for Daniel to find the time to take her call. When she was eventually put through to him and he unconcernedly told her that he hadn't seen Sam for a while, Janet felt her scalp pricking. Years of dealing with reluctant patients had honed her lie detector. Despite learning nothing from her conversation with Daniel, Janet suddenly had a pretty good idea what had happened to Sam.
Which was why she found herself on her way to see him, in person, for the first time in what seemed like forever – with a syringe loaded with sedative hidden up her sleeve. She had bullied her way into an appointment, using her best commanding voice. She wasn't quite sure what she hoped to achieve – sedating him would only be a temporary measure and she was sure he was neck-deep in security, but she felt she had to do something. Short of knocking some sense into him with a frying pan, she was at a loss.
Anyway, it was all going to become totally moot if she didn't stop shaking enough to handle the syringe.
Once inside, she was ushered through various rooms and practically ordered to sit before being left alone to wait. When Daniel stepped through the door, she was struck by the contrast. He looked well – she cursed herself for even now noticing how good he looked in his simple pants and shirt – but for his eyes. They were utterly dead.
She never thought Daniel would make her uneasy, much less frighten her. But that was before. Now she felt if she were to stand too close to him, she might disappear, like light into a black hole.
"It's a shame you couldn't wait until Thursday. The system is almost ready to launch – though it's meant to be a surprise so let's keep it between you and me, ok?" The smile that crossed his face was sickly.
Janet didn't reply…couldn't.
Daniel made a sweeping gesture. "You haven't seen what we've achieved. When you do…"
"But you've lost yourself along the way!" As loathe as she was to do it, she had to get close enough to inject him. She brought her arm around slowly.
"Me? No, I think it's you that has changed. The doctor I knew would never try to administer a drug without the individual's consent." His hand shot out and caught her around the wrist. "You think I don't have scanners at the entrance?" He smirked.
Her blood ran cold and she tried to pull out of his grip. It only tightened, twisting painfully.
"Daniel, stop it!" She was about two steps from full-out panic.
He twisted her wrist harder. "You came here to hurt me. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hurt you."
"Because it isn't you! I don't know what happened, but you need to stop. You're stronger than this." If only she could reach him, reach the man he used to be.
He held the grip for a long moment, silently, with only the sound of her breath catching and her heartbeat thudding in her ears. Then he let go, suddenly, and she almost stumbled. For a second she thought it had worked, somehow getting through when nothing else had. Then he grabbed her chin, forcing her head up to look him in the eye.
"I told you not to bother me. Don't forget, I know how to find you. You have a daughter to think about, you would be particularly unwise to test my patience another time," he hissed, not even attempting to veil the threat. She felt a terrible lead weight inside, a sensation of crawling horror. He would do it. Harm her, harm Cassie. Whatever it took.
She was escorted off the premises by two burly men. She got into her car and started driving on autopilot. She had to pull over on the deserted country road to throw up on the grass. Cass was in school and Janet fought the urge to drive there, grab her and keep driving until this whole thing was a distant horrible memory. She would, if she thought Daniel couldn't actually find them anyway. She got back in and kept driving.
---
The beeping of consoles. Weapon systems online and operational. His own private empire.
Oh God. Moscow. Teal'c. Jack. Janet. Sam.
Cassie.
Consoles? No, monitors!
Daniel opened his eyes. A dark figure swam into focus. Janet. Janet, looking at him with no trace of horror or fear.
Dreams teach.
"Daniel?" Janet touched his arm. "You back with us?"
He grimaced as he gathered enough saliva to talk. "Where's Shifu?"
Janet made a pacifying gesture. "He's with the Tok'ra. General Hammond authorised their involvement after you collapsed. What happened?"
Tok'ra? "I have to stop them. Oma was right, Shifu mustn't remember." He tried to get up.
"Daniel…" Janet moved to stop him.
"Janet, please. I wouldn't be asking if this wasn't really important." He held her gaze.
She sighed. "Ok, but let me help you."
Much later, he found himself on Janet's front porch, hesitating. She evidently knew nothing about the events of his dream, none of them did. He wasn't sure what he was going to say. He felt the need to apologise, beg forgiveness, but that would mean explaining what he'd "done" and he wasn't quite ready for that yet. He just needed to see her, out of uniform and in the safety of her own home. He needed to have her look at him some more with warmth and trust and that hint of tenderness that he only got to see off-base.
He rang the doorbell.
Cassie threw open the door and flung her arms around him gleefully.
"Two nights in a row? Missed us that much, huh?" she beamed, then tugged at his sleeve, pulling him into the warm house.
"It's your mom's cooking," he whispered.
"I knew it was something to do with Mom…" she nodded to herself, then, before he could decipher what she meant, yelled, "Mom! It's Daniel!" far too loudly and set the dog barking.
He almost laughed. Feeling like a part of this family had become one of the most precious things in his life.
Janet came out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a towel. She smiled at him over Cassie's head as she wrestled a knot of rope off the dog.
"Room for one more?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know…" she teased.
"Don't be silly Daniel, it's only spaghetti. There's loads." Cassie rolled her eyes and slid into the kitchen on her socks.
Janet came over to peer at him. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine. Smells good through there." As far as Janet-Fraiser-distraction-techniques went, it was pretty weak, but it was worth a try.
"Uh-huh. Nice try," she arched an eyebrow.
"Really. Totally fine," he insisted.
"Alright then, can I offer you a drink?" She was evidently prepared to let it go, at least for now.
"Please."
And then, almost without his permission, he found he was pulling her into a hug. She made a muffled noise of surprise, then laughed and put her arms around him in return. He took a breath and let it out slowly.
"I assume this is to do with what happened today? In your dream," she asked. She was far too perceptive.
"What makes you say that? Am I not allowed to give you a hug with no other motivation besides the fact that you're feeding me? Again." He blinked innocently.
She grinned. "Hugs for food? I could get used to that…"
He grinned back, and there was a moment of silence and blushing.
"Come on! I'm starving, stop being mushy and come eat!" Cassie's yell broke the spell and Janet moved away.
"You're starving? But I only fed you yesterday…" She disappeared into the kitchen.
Daniel was about to follow her when he caught sight of a photo. The three of them, Cassie in the middle, looking for all the world like a real family. The horror he felt remembering his actions in his dream was fading, replaced by a feeling of belonging and the warmth he'd come to count on in the Fraiser home. The Goa'uld might come, and they still had no defence against them, but at least he knew what he would be fighting for.