Disclaimer: This is very much a crack!fic, just meant to get a few giggles out of my friend. And I don't own the Sparda family. or DMC.
Dear Journal,
Yeah, I know you're used to speaking to Vergil and really I couldn't give a shit about what he writes in here (although I leafed through it anyways. Sorry bro!) but I heard this was supposed to be "therapeutic" and I could really do with some therapy right now. So you're just going to have to deal with me, Dante. (Don't worry, I'll give you right back to Vergil when I'm done.)
Okay, so, I had a really bad dream, right? Something about shit loads of demons attacking mewhile Vergil tried to open the gates of Hell. Crazy, huh? Well I just wanted some water because then I could go back to sleep after realizing it's just another little fucking dream. But I had to sneak past my parents room, which is easier said than done. Nobody, and I am no exception despite my amazing record of won fights (especially against Vergil), wants to be the target of my dad's rage. And I wasn't supposed to be awake.
I know, isn't that bull shit? I, Dante, the son of Sparda, have a fucking bed time! But at least Vergil does too so HA.
Anyways, back to the point. The door was, like, halfway open, so I was all like, 'shit, how am I going to manage that?' And so I was halfway turned to go back to my bedroom to plan out how I was going to get past that open door (distraction? How fast I was vs how fast my dad's eyes were, etc.) when I heard something very disturbing indeed.
My father, Sparda, King of Demons or some kind of weird bull shit like that, was singing I'm Too Sexy. Seriously! The worst part? I could see inside and he was stripping as well! For my mom, who was blushing and giggling and STARING at my half-naked dad that would most definitely NOT stay half-naked for long!
I am scarred for life, Journal. I will have to go through lots and lots of therapy to remove the tissue of that memory. It should be easy, just cut open my head and take out the piece of brain matter near my memories that is all black and rotted and mushy. Because I know that's what that memory looks like.
So that's my traumatic experience and you don't have to ehar from me again. Unless something else happens to me like that. But I hope not. I'm putting you back now so I can go laugh at Vergil for being a pussy. HAHA.
Later,
DANTE.