Phan boys
Chapter 1-Phanfiction addiction
Phil's POV
It's four o'clock in the morning and I cannot sleep to save my own life. I sneak out of my room, cursing myself in my head for leaving my laptop in the living room. I slink past Dan's room, pausing slightly to peak in. It's odd he never leaves his door open. I poke my head in and he snores slightly. I smile and continue through the hallway. Dan (when he goes to sleep) always sleeps so soundly. I make it to the couch and lay on my back, propping my laptop on my chest. I log into Tumblr and scroll aimlessly, trying to avoid the search bar. My mind hops from tomorrow's video to whether I like Dan's new haircut to a plethora of problems I have yet to deal with and when I look up at the laptop I see a picture from a really old video of mine where I was dressed as a girl. Philippa. I cringe a little bit and refresh the page. I scroll a little more and find my mouse hovering over by the top of the page. I cave. Before I can regret it I type a certain four letter ship into the tag search. It's hard falling into a ship that involves oneself. The thing is I don't like Dan like that. I don't want us to be in a relationship. But the fanfiction is so good! I really marvel at the talent of all the young authors out there. I scroll through some excellent fanart and hit what I'm looking for. I read a few that are short and fluffy. Then I click on one...title had something to do with spin the bottle...that was fairly long. I start reading and find myself caught up rather quickly, then, like lots of phanfiction does for some reason, it gets sad. Dan gets sick, something genetic and it seems so plausable that I have click back to my dashboard. I may not be in love with Dan, but I do love him. He's my flatmate, my best friend. The thought of him being seriously hurt or ill, well it hurts.
I go back to my browsing and read a few more, some fluffy, some gritty, and after a few hours, I feel my eyelids start to get heavy. I close the lap top and set it on the table. I know I should get up and go back to my bed but...
Dan's POV
I roll over and stretch. The clock says ten. On any other given day I would just roll back over and go back to sleep, but today I feel like I should get up. I tie the draw string on my pyjama pants and walk into the living room. I'm on my way to the kitchen to put on some coffee when I see something from the corner of my eye. Pivoting around I discover it's Phil stretched out on the couch asleep. When did he come out here? I shrug it off and go to the kitchen starting up the coffee maker. I start to grab a bowl for cereal when I hear something. I want to think it's in my head but just to be careful I spin around and see that Phil has turned onto his side with his hand over the back of his head. I stand there quietly not wanting to wake him. I here him mumbling to himself and he pulls his hand around to his face. I am just getting ready to turn back around when he says "No!" very loudly and I see his shoulders start shaking. I jog over to the couch and shake Phil's arm gently. "Phil, mate, everything alright?" he flips over and wraps his arms around me before he can even open his eyes.
Phil's POV
"Phil, mate, everything alright?" It's Dan's voice and I feel my whole body swell with relief. I attack hug him without even bothering to open my eyes. I press my face into his chest and realise I've been crying. I stay wrapped around Dan for a long time, longer than he probably was comfortable with. I notice suddenly that Dan hasn't put on a shirt yet and jump back, frantically trying to wipe my tears off his chest. He laughs and grabs my shoulders, pushing me back and stopping me.
"Phil, calm down. What happened? Are you okay? Are you having nightmares again?" I look up into his brown eyes and I want to cry again.
"You...you aren't sick are you?"
Dan's POV
I look down into Phil's ocean blue eyes, he looks genuinely terrified.
"Phil, what are you on about? You know how lazy I am if I was sick do think I would be up out of my blanket womb?" I laugh moving my hands from his shoulders. His eyes well up with tears again and he jumps to his feet.
"Damn it Dan I'm serious. I don't just mean like swine aids or man flu." he rambles all of this out while pacing back and forth along the length of the table "I mean like seriously ill. If you were to say, need to take pills every day for your blood or something, you'd tell me yeah? You aren't going to have a massive stroke and forget who I am, right?" he looks at me panicked "Right?"
I get up and wrap my arms around him. Now that we are both standing he has to rest his head on my shoulder. I hear him sniffle slightly. This all reminds me vaguely of childhood and how my mum would hold me and speak softly, trying to convince me that there was no monster under my bed.
I pet his hair a little bit and laugh again. I don't mean to. I know this isn't funny, but all I can do is laugh.
"Phil, I swear I'm not sick. You would know if I was sick because you would have to drive me places. Plus, do you honestly think that I could ever remember on my own to take any sort of medicine?" I squeeze him tightly. "Now, would you like to tell what had you on about this?"
Phil's POV
I feel my face flush as I remember what had given me that horrible nightmare. I can't tell Dan that. So I just shake my head and pull back out of the hug. "Nothing really, I just had a nightmare I guess."
I look at him and his eyes show with worry.
"Phil are you having nightmares again? Is that why you were on the couch?"
I blush a little more realising this is the second time he has asked. He seems so completely concerned. I can't help but go into Phangirl mode and think about why.
"Dan, no, I am not having nightmares again." I sigh finally realising how ridiculous this whole thing was "I just couldn't sleep. I came out here last night because my laptop was here and must have fallen asleep."
Suddenly I am laughing. I feel better and better the more I wake up.
"I'm sorry for being so silly." it's all I can manage to say.
Chapter 2-Silly thoughts
Dan's POV
I pull my mug to my lips and take a small sip of the coffee. I'm sat in the middle of the couch, instead of the end. I do this so no matter where Phil sits I'm close. I have to be close to him on days after nightmares. I've always heard that close proximity to those who care for you is comforting. But I have to stop myself and wonder if it's him or me that I am trying to comfort.
I shake the thought out of my head as a now fully awake Phil plops next to me with a bowl of cereal.
"What do you want to do today?" he says through a full mouth.
"I hadn't really thought about it." I shrug "What were you thinking?" I wish I had his super power, to wake up without coffee. He can't do this every day. I've seen him get up, drag himself to the coffee maker, and guzzle coffee, just to become almost functional.
But since his channel got so big that has been happening less and less.
"Well I need to get some more stickers for my computer. Oh, and I guess I could use some more body wash. We should probably get some food and drinks and things." he says tipping the bowl up to drink the extra milk.
I laugh and he sets the bowl down, turning to look at me. He looks like a freaking anime character when he gets confused, not to mention that he now has a milk moustache, which makes me laugh even harder.
"What?" he sounds and looks like a toddler "What's so funny?"
"You...you are a twenty-seven year old, grown ass man with a milk moustache, who values stickers over personal health!" I wipe the laughter tears from my eyes and look over to Phil and his whole face has sunken.
He raises his arm and wipes the milk from his top lip. "Dan, do you think I'm not grown up enough?"
I laugh again and shake my head. "Phillip Michael Lester, you are perfectly grown up. You aren't boring and gross and the textbook definition of grown up, but if I wanted that in a best friend I wouldn't have dropped out of uni. I think it's cute."
Phil's POV
What? Cute? Dan can't have just said that. Maybe I read one too many Phanfictions last night and this is part of some crazy inception dream. I mean, worried Dan hugs crying Phil, Dan then sits in close proximity to Phil and calls him cute. This whole internal monologue in running in my mind as Dan starts to stutter.
"Oh...ummm...cute isn't like...like girls would find it cute like..."
"Dan shut up." I'm laughing at him now. His normally tan face has turned bright red. His brown eyes are three sizes bigger than normal. "I think it's cute that you get so flustered about things. I mean you basically just said no homo less eloquently than the actual term no homo. Now go put some clothes on so we can go buy stickers."
Dan's POV
What the actual fuck just happened? It's taking me a minute to get dressed, my mind keep wandering. Did I really call Phil cute? Did Phil really just call me cute? No. We simply mentioned one thing about each other that was cute. Why am I even letting this get to me? It's not like I told Phil I'm in love with him or anything. It's not like Phil isn't cute. Everything he does is cute. He eats lion cereal for Christ's sake. He smiles with his whole face. His eyes are...
Damn it Dan what the hell is wrong with you? You can't let yourself get side tracked like some Phangirl's silly story.
I am just pulling my jacket on as Phil hollers.
"Dan are you almost ready?"
Phil's POV
I just keep laughing. Dan is taking forever getting dressed. It only ever takes me like five minutes. He's probably getting all internal monologue on himself. Boy treats his words like they're nuclear missiles sometimes. I tried to even the playing field. I think it just flustered him, but it was funny. I plop onto the couch and open my laptop again. I type in , click on a shorter story and start reading. This one is a little more intense than what I usually read. I find myself correcting things in it though. I find myself nit-picking how they describe Dan. He isn't shy. His eyes are like hot cocoa not Nutella. He stutters not rambles. He is cute when he stutters.
"Dan are you almost ready?" I close the laptop and holler. I cannot let myself get wrapped up in this ship. I'm crazy, I am completely insane. How does a human even get caught up in a ship about himself. I hear Dan open and close his bedroom door. We lock the door and get on the lift.
"Yep, definitely hot cocoa."
Chapter 3-Discoveries
Dan's POV
"What?" I look at Phil and his eyes get huge and his face blushes crimson.
"I said that out loud didn't I?" he looks as if someone just walked into his room while he was dressing or something.
"Yes, yeah you did. What are you talking about and why do you look so embarrassed?" I ask slowly.
"Nothing." he says quickly and shakes his head.
The lift opens and we head out to town.
A few hours finds us back in the flat, shopping put away and Phil's laptop now fully adorned with new stickers. I even let him put one on my wall, it's a llama.
"Phil can I use your laptop real quick?" I ask as he opens a bag of crisps.
"Oh no, I know the kind of websites you go to." he laughs around a mouthful.
"You are gonna choke like that one of these days." I say referring to his habit of always speaking with food in his mouth. "I just want to check some comments. I haven't posted a video in almost two weeks and I want to see what kind of shit storm I've caused." I laugh.
"Okay, sure." he nods to the computer on the table. I lift it into my lap and open it.
It opens to a fanfic site. I skim the page, slightly curious as to what pairing Phil was hiding from me. He normally tells me when he's been reading something good.
I turn to look at Phil with my mouth open slightly.
"Wha..." He stops mid-word and his whole demeanour changes. And like he has a lot today he turns bright red.
Phil's POV
I think my skin might stain red. Stupid Phil, stupid stupid stupid. How could I forget that I had that pulled up? I reach across the couch and grab the laptop from his hands. I know it makes me seem guilty.
"And you were fucking worried about the sites I go to?" Dan yells. I hear him but I can't tell if he is laughing or not, my heart is beating too loudly.
I can't make eye contact with him. I'm just holding my laptop, trying to breath, looking down at my lap, and dying.
"Phil, what was that?" Dan points toward the laptop.
"Nothing. It's just a story I was reading. It's nothing. I just respect a good story. I was fixing mistakes in it." I start to ramble on. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point.
"Phil it's your turn to shut up." I stop talking immediately. Dan grabs the laptop and sets it on the table. I finally summon enough energy to look up at him. He isn't smiling.
Dan's POV
I want to laugh. I want to laugh and play punch Phil and be manly. I'm not gay. I'm not homophobic either. I just...
Things in this room are deathly quiet. I should break the silence. I should say something.
I should find it funny that Phil was correcting a fanfiction. This has to be where the cocoa thing came from earlier.
I have a fluttery feeling in my stomach. I am surprisingly flattered by the fact he knew my eyes. I feel like I might float away. I feel not unhappy that he was reading things with the two of us together. I don't know what I feel about him.
"Why? All I want to know is why a fanfiction of us was pulled up on your laptop." he looks down again. I sit and wait for an answer when a thought hits me. Part of me still wants to laugh. The other part wants him to say that he wants us together.
When did I start wanting us to be an us?
Phil's POV
I look at my lap, my hands, anywhere but at Dan. I have read probably a hundred Phanfictions and never once thought about really why.
"It's really well written." I manage to mumble.
"So are fanfics for lots of other pairings. Why were you reading ones about us?" he said this differently than the other time. He didn't sound angry, he sounded like he needed me to answer this.
"Have you never just fallen into a ship before? Without trying you find yourself searching, reading, watching, looking." I feel like I might be sick.
"Do you ship us?"
Is that excitement in his voice? What does he want me say?
"Not really."
Dan's POV
I feel like tissue paper. I can feel my body sink more and more into the black hole of an idea of a relationship in my mind with every word he says.
"The Dan and Phil in the stories," he continues "I ship them. It's so much simpler for them. They can fall in love with no repercussions. They go off into the sunset and the story ends." he looks up at me again to see if I understand and I nod.
I feel like tissue paper being pulled slowly in different directions, like if you focussed, you could see the first fibre of me start to rip.
"It has made me more edgy of some things though." he says looking at me "Can you make me a rather odd promise?" he says and laughs a bit. His laugh takes some of the scariness out my mind and the atmosphere.
"What?" I ask.
"If you ever feel in any way romantic towards me, you'll tell me. I promise to do the same."
Chapter 4-Confessions
Dan's POV
"What?" I finally laugh it feels safer to do so now "Why?"
"One to many of these start or end with one or the other of us," he pauses and looks at me like it's the most important thing in the world "killing ourselves because we were too scared of the other to tell them how we felt." he sounds like he might cry again.
"I promise I won't kill myself over hidden love." I immediately regret phrasing it like that and restate it before he can be upset "I promise I'll tell you."
Phil's POV
"Are you mad?" several minutes had passed with no sound and I am starting to get nervous.
"No. I'm not mad Phil, just surprised." he smiles at me and I immediately feel more at ease.
I feel like I can laugh at myself now for all the sneak-reading I've done.
"Wanna help me film my video?" I ask. I hadn't really planned on having a video with Dan, but now that's what I want.
"Sure, what are we doing?" he asks starting to get up.
"I was thinking we would just do another Philisnotonfire." I say and head toward my bedroom.
"Oh I see your plan now. Get me high on marker fumes while trapped in your bedroom." Dan laughs following behind me.
"I don't see you running from it." I tease back.
"Today's draw Phil naked is..." Dan says next to me. We pause then simultaneously wave bye to the camera. I get up like I'm going to turn the camera off then I whip around and attack hug Dan.
"You have ended one of these like this before." He reminds me and I just laugh.
I am slightly on top of him and my mind starts to wander.
I can see why it is so easy for story Phil to fall for story Dan. He isn't bad looking, rather good looking actually. He already lives with me and I already know everything about him, laziness even rules my imaginary love life.
I shake my head and realise that I have still not moved from on top of Dan. I also realise that he has made no effort to move me.
I look down about to tease him for letting my lay on him, when he raises his face and presses his lips to mine.
Dan's POV
Phil attack hugs me to the ground. My breath catches in my chest. He just stays there, on top of me.
"You have ended one of these like this before." I say to him praying he can't notice how weak my voice is. He just laughs and looks at me, like he is studying my face. I'm panicking, what is he thinking?
I feel like I should do something. I should move him. I should tell him that I feel in some way romantic towards him like I promised.
My whole being starts singing at once...I should kiss him.
I wait a moment to see if he is going to move. When he doesn't I go for it.
I press my lips to his and at first he doesn't do anything. I'm starting to panic now. Did I misread the moment?
Then, just as I'm about to pull away, he tilts his head, fitting his lips to mine.
He pulls away quickly after that and I can feel my face blush. I close my eyes and focus on breathing as Phil moves from on top of me. I smile and put my hands over my face.
When I finally open my eyes and sit up Phil is facing away from me with his hand on the back of his neck.
"Phil," I say not sure I'm about to laugh or cry.
He turns around and I suddenly know that it isn't laugh. Phil isn't smiling like I was, he looks...I don't know...bothered.
"Phil, I think I have feelings for you." I say as tears sting in the corner of my eyes.
He doesn't move, he doesn't speak, not for a long time. He just looks at me with that same bothered expression on his face.
I can barely breath. With every second of silence that ticks by more tears push themselves behind my eyes.
I have to get out of this room. I start to stand when Phil finally moves.
"I need to go for a walk." it's all he says. He exits the room and I follow him through the hall.
He pulls on a jacket and opens the door to our flat.
"I'm sorry. Don't read into this. I just need to take a walk. I'll be back soon." then he's gone.
Chapter 5-Sunset
Phil's POV
I squeeze between the lift doors before they are fully open and hold in the door close button. I take a deep breath before pressing the button for the main floor.
I know this looks bad to Dan, he probably hates me right now.
As the doors open I take off running. I can't bother to think about what the other people on the pavement must think of me. I run, and I can feel my thoughts start to sort themselves. I don't know where I'm running until I reach the park. I drop onto the nearest bench, placing my hand to my chest desperately trying to catch my breath. I had to get out of the flat though, I had to think, and that wasn't going to happen with Dan around. He put too many thoughts in my head and I wasn't able to sort through my own.
It's hard to think even now, though. Do I have feelings for Dan? I didn't think so this morning, but now...
I should start with what I know. That kiss, I know I liked that kiss. I melted and never wanted it to end. I have never felt the things I felt during that kiss. I felt warm and fluttery inside.
But I'm not gay. Phil that's the same thing you said to yourself when you started reading the fanfics.
The fanfics.
My mind replays what I said to Dan "Story Dan and story Phil can fall in love with no consequences." I suddenly remember the first time I thought about them that way.
Before we moved to London, I had started having nightmares again. It wasn't new to me it happened every now and again, I had even started to let my Philions know about some of them. They usually never got bad enough to bother anyone else but me though. One night Dan came into my room. I had apparently started sobbing loudly in my sleep. He sat next to me on my bed and woke me gently. "Phil are you going to be okay?" without me having to answer he wrapped me in his arms and held me until I stopped crying. I must have fallen back to sleep and when I awoke I was still in Dan's arms. He was sat up with his head tilted back on the head board, snoring lightly. I remember thinking how used to that I could get. For days afterward I lived in my head, going back and forth with myself trying to decide if I should tell Dan. If I should make a move on him. I used the cliché set of consequences to try and stop myself; it would ruin our friendship, he could reject me, etc. Then one night while trying to distract myself on Tumblr, I stumbled across some Phanfiction. I remember thinking how great it was that they (at least in the non-suicidey ones, which I always avoid) can just fall in love and never have to deal with any of the bad things. I guess somewhere along the line I started using the stories as block to keep my feelings out of my real life.
I suddenly know what I want. I want an us. I want Dan.
I need to start working on a plan. I have to make this just right.
Dan's POV
I stand there until I hear the doors to the lift close. Then I slide to the ground, back against the door.
Damn it Dan, why are you crying? I don't know why or when I started wanting this so much. I know that this wasn't really a rejection, but it hurts like one. I try to wipe the tears from my face, then give up and just cry into my knees. I just cry. I don't want to think because I know how I feel and trying to guess about Phil will just make me feel worse. So I just cry. I cry until I run out of tears, then I dry my face off with my shirt. I stand and walk to my bedroom. I stretch out in my bed, it feels much better on my tall frame than being curled up. I feel hollow, not in a bad way, just the way one does after crying themselves out. I open my laptop and start mindlessly scrolling through twitter.
"Dan?" I hear Phil come through the door. I must have fallen asleep, shit. "Dan, stay where you are."
What the hell? I hear bags rustling and plates clinking. I try to rub the sleep from my eyes and face. I hear what sounds like a box of marbles hit the ground and Phil say "Shit, please don't have spilled."
What? Did Phil just cuss? What is he doing that is so important he would cuss? Why can't I leave my room? I suddenly feel very nervous. I start trying to adjust my hair and clothing.
When I look up Phil is in my doorway, smiling with his whole face. "Come on." he practically bounces as he talks.
"Phil what is going.."
"A wild Amazingphil appears, he uses drag, it's super effective." he interrupts grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the table.
"Close your eyes." he commands. I do as he says and guides me into a chair. "Open them." I can hear the bounce in his voice. I open my eyes and before me is my favourite dish from the Chinese restaurant downtown, it looks like it's lain out in a sort of face shape. Next to the plate is a large Starbucks cup, I can tell by the smell it's my favourite latte. I look up at Phil.
"Phil, wha.."
"It's a llama." he says pointing to my plate. "Oh!" he is literally bouncing up and down on his toes now, "There's something else." he runs into the kitchen and comes back with two Adsa bags. He hands the first one to me and my arm almost rips off. When I look into the bag I see it's full of bags of Maltesers. I look up at him confused. He must have spent a hundred pounds on all of this. "That is to make up for me running out on you earlier. And this," he says handing me the other bag, also filled with the candy "is because bees live in floral shops and a proper gentleman always brings a present to a first date." he has stopped bouncing now.
My breath catches in my throat. "Date?" I manage to stutter out.
"Yeah," he says leaning down and softly pressing his lips to mine, "date."
Chapter 6-
Phil's POV
I laugh and run my hand through Dan's hair. I lace my other hand into his before guiding my lips to his. It's been a year since our first kiss and I still melt. I still get all warm and fluttery.
Things in the flat haven't really changed at all like I thought they would. I wish I could go back and get the time I spent scared and pushing my feelings away back, so I could spend it like this with Dan. I look into Dan's cocoa brown eyes, and I just feel so great. It's almost unreal, I just keep waiting to wake up. I don't want to move but I have a plan to carry out.
Dan and I agreed that we weren't going to observe an anniversary. Dan should have known I am not one for not celebrating something.
I kiss Dan deeply before crawling out of bed.
"What are you doing?" Dan asks still trying to work the sleep out of his voice.
"I just have to go do some stuff." I say trying to sound unexcited and failing. "You stay right here. I'll be home soon." I throw on some clothes on and kiss him once more before heading into town.
Once everything is set up just right I call Dan into the room. I have set up an exact replica of our "first date". I even bought two more full bags of Maltesers. I am fairly certain the bag boy at Asda is waiting for Dan to get diabetes.
Dan enters the room and a big smile crosses his face. My heart starts pounding and I am certain he can hear it from across the room. I practically sprint across the room to him. We kiss long and deep. Dan wraps his around me and pulls me closer to him. When we separate he places his forehead to mine and laughs. "We said we weren't going to do anything."
"Yeah, well." I pull away from Dan enough to look him in the eyes.
I grab both of Dan's hands in mine and stare straight into his eyes. My heart speeds up and somehow manages to beat louder than before.
"Daniel James Howell, you have changed my entire life. From the moment I met you to the moment I feel in love with you to this very moment right now. I don't know how I ever lived without you, but I know I never want to again. Dan," I see tears forming in his eyes and I can feel them in mine too, we both laugh and I continue, "Dan will you marry me?"
We stay smiling, holding hands, and staring into each others eyes, not bothering wipe the rouge tears that fall down our faces. It seems like forever that I wait for him to answer when only been a few seconds. He finally says something "Yes, yes of course I will. I love you Phil."