Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Raging at Obscurity
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Spoilers: Bits and Pieces from the books
Warnings: Strong Language, Slash!
Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling's. Not mine. Depressing thought. End of disclaimer. Exit stage left. Curtains down.
Archive: [Blinks]You'd seriously consider archiving this? >.
To Arcina-chan who first read this glomps her> and told me of the appalling tenses I had lol>, Thank you. To Blackrose-chan, caffeine-laden artist extraordinaire who betaed it…glomps her too>who sacrificed precious sleep toolol> whee! offers Blackrose-chan her personal Starbucks fave -Orange Mocha Chip Frappuccino>
Now its your turn to be inflicted with my ficcie, minna-san! glomps all of you> Its my first time to do a hp ficcie so please be gentle ne?
The dementors the Dark Lord gave me to command have surrounded the two Aurors who have foolishly sought to seek me out. I wonder why they do not use the Patronus charm to ward them away. Then again, maybe they had been too surprised to react. And now, there are too many dementors to ward off.
Anticipation and dread are locked in combat inside me, seeing the familiar mussed black hair and telltale lightning scar.
And as if he senses my presence, he turns to look at me.
"Why are you doing this?"
The anger and hurt in his tone make me hesitate, as does the luminous viridian eyes that look my way through clear glasses, pleading for an explanation. I almost take a step back, memories crowding in, trying to make themselves heard.
I waver.
/Should I tell you? Should I tell you why I did this?/
The Dark Lord's mark flares then to remind me of my duties. Before I can answer Harry, a voice intrudes.
"Don't even bother asking him, Harry. He's only going to spout some lie. Don't trust him!"
I turn my attention to the boy at Harry's side and glare at him in hate. Once it had been me who said that.
So its Harry now is it? He is calling Harry by his first name. And I note the telltale signs around them. If I don't know any better, I would say that he has supplanted my former position.
White-hot jealousy surge through my veins. This is what two years have wrought?
I sneer at the pale boy, hating him with everything inside of me.
"You're a fine one to talk, Malfoy! You betrayed your father, betrayed the Dark Lord himself when you once worked for their purposes."
I want to throw an Avada Kedavra spell at him right now but I stop myself. There are other more enjoyable ways of killing off this constant thorn at my side. More enjoyable and crueler ways.
Oh yes, I have learned so many things when I joined the Dark Lord. Powerful things. I have learned the results such things will also yield. And I decide that it will be better to let the dementors handle the job. Malfoy's horror of dying at their hands will be more enjoyable to watch than if I strike him dead right on the spot.
/Potter./
The voice of the Dark Lord reverberates inside my head. The tone distinctly impatient. And I remember what I am suppose to do.
/Yes, My Lord./
I signal to one of the dementors to separate the partners. Half of them move to provide a physical barrier between the two, effectively severing any form of contact, much to Malfoy's outraged shouts. Harry on the other hand stays silent, watching me through his glasses in concern and incomprehension.
No time to fight with Draco Malfoy. I need to go about my work. Let the dementors suck away his will while I deal with Harry.
I turn towards the confused Harry and smile at him, a semblance of the cheerful smile I always gave him before, when we had still been friends.
And the words spill out.
"I have missed you."
The words are a combination of calculated planning and truth. It is true that I need to gain his trust for my Master's plans but it is also true that I have missed him. I've missed him these past two years that we have been apart. And so I am unable to stop the yearning in my voice.
Something flashes in his eyes, something I am unable to catch because it vanishes as quickly as it appears.
"And?"
His tone is firm, waiting for me to continue, neutral. The tone is so familiar to me, being treated to it everytime he treaded warily around me when we talked on touchy subjects.
/You haven't changed at all, Harry. At least not so much inside as outside. /
It has been three years since the disastrous Triwizard Tournament and Voldemort's return. Two years since I left their side and joined the Dark Lord.
The Harry that stands before me has changed after two years of separation. At seventeen, he has become a remarkably handsome young man with his mother's startling emerald eyes glinting behind familiarly unruly hair.
He is also taller now though he will never match my height. But then again, I have always been taller than he ever was.
A little twinge of regret goes through me when I think of the other things I must have missed, staying away from him for so long.
I am sure he notices the changes in me as well. Because his eyes are roaming my face, and my body. His eyes drilling into mine as he seeks to read what I am thinking or maybe trying to make me guilty enough to talk to him. I have never been able to keep secrets from him before.
/I am not the same person you know Harry. That won't work at all. /
I know I have changed…maybe even more than Harry would notice. The only things that haven't changed about me are my hair and the damnable freckles that pepper my nose.
"And what? What do you want me to say?" I counter back.
One thing I have learned during my training stint with the Dark Lord is finesse. Something I have never cared a jot for when I had been in Hogwarts. And that finesse allows me to conceal the roiling emotions inside of me.
"I want you to tell me why you did this, Ron. Why you sided with Voldemort."
I flinch a little at the Dark Lord's name. So like Harry to say the Dark Lord's name without fear, even while I who have been in service to him for two years cannot say it without flinching or looking over my shoulder.
I shrug and grin, a little of the old me showing. "Because I wanted to?" I tease him.
He shook his head. "No, that isn't the reason. Not you of all people. Tell me, Ron. Why? Why betray us?"
/Why betray me…/
The unspoken words hung in the air, reverberating in the cold night sky, tearing at me.
It makes my voice curt.
"You wouldn't understand."
Bitterness fills my thoughts. Harry wouldn't understand. How could he? How could Hogwart's Golden Boy Harry Potter understand what it had felt like when they took me out of the Aurors and put me inside the Ministry of Magic researching for muggle-God-knows-what. How could he when he himself had been promoted many times over and now commanded the Aurors? Harry, beloved boy of the Wizarding World.
Even Hermione had risen in Auror ranks, leaving me out in the cold while my two best friends had gone to become protectors of the Wizarding World as Voldemort's army advanced. I never did understand why they took me out and installed me in the musty halls of the Ministry when I knew I was a damn good Auror.
But then again, it seemed to be my lot in life. Always, Ron Weasley had to stand in the shadows of someone else.
At first it was only funny and I didn't care as much. After all, having two brothers who were Head Boys, and three others being sensational Quidditch players, made me almost immune to being in the shadow. Because I knew that I wouldn't be able to do anything that they haven't done before.
Then I entered Hogwarts and I became famous in my own way. Everyone knew me as Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's best friend. As always I stood in the shadows, basking in the reflected light. The moon reflecting the sun's glory.
Not that I minded, because Harry, well, Harry was Harry. Aside from being Boy Wonder, Bane of You-know-who, Harry was the kindest and most perfect friend I could find. We had the same interests. I still have great memories of our escapades.
But the constant chafe of being second best took its toll. Everyone has their limit and when Dumbledore pulled me from the Aurors to go into research, I reached that limit.
Why wasn't I good enough. That had always plagued me. At that time, I burned with single-minded purpose. I wanted to prove that I was the best. That I shouldn't have been pulled out of the Aurors. But I didn't know how to prove myself…until…
***
/Researching sucked. Who cares about long ago witch wars? /
I ranted to myself. I had half a mind to just chuck it all out of the window and go find Harry and Hermione. But I don't. Mum would have my head for chucking responsibility out of the window, especially in these troubled times.
It had been so unfair of them to pull me out of the Aurors and stick me here, especially when my best friends were out in the field.
Why am I always second best? Just once I'd like to be the best. To do something none of my brothers or even Harry has ever done before.
Envy, jealousy…every dark feeling ever imagined, welled up in me.
Fuming and fretting, I did not realize that I had taken the wrong aisle in the library and ended up bumping my nose on an obstruction.
After much pain-filled cursing, I lifted my eyes to see what had hit me and saw the answer to my prayers. In front of me was the Mirror of Erised.
The Mirror of Erised once made me see what I wanted to see. I had thought that it had foretold the future. That I would be able to surpass my brothers, become Head Boy and lead the Gryffindor House Quidditch Team as its captain.
Harry had told me after that the Mirror would always reflect what the person's deepest desires were. And right then, I was burning with the need to be the best, so it showed me the way to greatness.
And I took it. With just the slightest hesitation and fear. I was that desperate to be someone.
I disappeared from Hogwarts without telling anyone. The Mirror had showed me the way, and the way pointed to the Dark Lord. So I submitted to the Dark Lord, shocking everyone in Hogwarts as well as my family when I finally appeared by his side.
I finally did something that no one else had ever done.
I became a member of Voldemort's Inner Circle. I became a Death Eater.
The Mirror of Erised had told me the truth. I had attained greatness.
***
"Why don't you try me?" Harry counters, shaking me from my memories.
I shake my head at him.
"Come on, Ron! Tell ME!"
I avoid his gaze. If I looked at him, I might just break and tell him everything. And I don't want to. It is…somehow…shameful.
"You wouldn't understand."
"How can you say that to me? You're supposed to be my best friend, you damn git!"
There is a broken note of something akin to betrayal in his tone. Still, I don't look up.
"You're the most important person in my life. How could you have betrayed me?"
I look up sharply at the whispered words, to find his green gaze registering the anguish. It was the barest whisper, more for himself, perhaps, than for my benefit. Something that he didn't mean to say. I assume it is the effect of the dementors weakening him.
But it is said. And I remember the fateful day in the Triwizard Tournament when the mermaids had taken me, taken me because I would be the one thing that Harry would miss above all else.
"Come and seek us where our voices
sound,
We cannot sing above the ground,
And while you're searching, ponder
this:
We've taken what you'll sorely
miss…"
/Even now…even now, Harry…am I still the one you will miss above all others?/
I long to ask him. But I don't. I am scared to. Even this long, he has the power to leave me helpless, out of control of the situation.
No, I am in control!
"People change, Harry. I am not what I was before."
I say it kindly enough, gently. For old time's sake and because I still want him to like me. Like me enough for my plan to succeed.
/Yes, people do change, Harry. And maybe for the better too. Although you wouldn't think so. I can see the disgust in your eyes as you take in the Dark Armies' Officer robe that I wear, know the incredulity you feel when you see me leading the dementors, feel the hurt of betrayal at the Dark Lord's mark that I sport on my forearm./
There is a look in his eyes that questions me on how I could do this but there is hope too, hope that I will come back with him.
Foolish hope.
"No, Harry. I will never come back." I tell him.
I cannot give up everything I have just to become second best again. I can never do that. That is not the reason why I have allowed him and Malfoy to catch me. There is another deeper, darker reason. One my Master and I had agreed upon. With different motivations, but still.
"Don't you ever wonder just how you have easily tracked me down? I mean, you have been on my trail for days now and we have evaded you all that time."
I ask him almost conversationally, pretending that he had said nothing beforehand.
"You should have realized that no one from the Dark Lord's Inner Circle can ever be tracked down so easily unless…unless they want to be found. And I do want to be found. By you. Do you know why, Harry?"
"Why?" He asks me, turning his face up as I walk towards him.
"Because I want you to join me, Harry."
He stands unmoving, rooted in surprise. And I know he is about to protest. After all, I had been his best friend for so many years. I should be able to second guess his reaction.
/Do it./
The sibilant whisper sounds in my head. And I obey the Dark Lord.
I yank him and as he falls towards me, I kiss him full on the lips, coaxing the surprised mouth open with teasing nips on his lower lip. And when it does open, I slip in, caressing his mouth with everything I have, my hands coming up to bring him nearer to me, as near as we can possibly be.
It is meant to crumble his defenses. The Dark Lord has realized just how close Harry and I were before and decided that I would be the best bet to bring him over to our side.
Much as the Dark Lord wanted the famous Harry Potter dead, he realized the potential in having Harry on his side. He had thought that surely his best friend would be able to do it.
I had protested. I knew Harry better than he did and I knew he wouldn't fall for something like this. But the Dark Lord didn't listen. He wanted me to try.
I am sure that he didn't realize just how much it would affect me as well. Or if he did, he must be confident enough of his hold on me to worry.
/I have missed you so much./
I forget where I am or what I am supposed to do, ignore the dementors and Malfoy who has started to fight the dementors in an effort to get to Harry, shaking off the pall of misery and hopelessness cast by the dementors' proximity.
My world shrinks to this one point in time, to this one person in my arms and his warm sweet lips.
It goes on and on. I am losing myself in him, trying to erase the last two years of missing him, trying to batter the walls that stands between us in this one single kiss, gentle at first, then rough, bruising his lips as I get too eager. I want it to go on forever. I want to go on forever kissing him.
Forever is a non-existent commodity in the Dark Lord's service. The mark on my arm burns. And I remember my purpose.
I break away from him, my breath coming in deep shuddering pants, my mind registering confused emotions and memories.
I rake a hand through my hair, giving myself time to gather my fragmented thoughts before facing him again.
After what seems like eternity, I look at him and see him doing the same. I smile then.
"I told you I missed you. You do not know just how much. Join us Harry, please…
Be with me."
And for a moment I feel like he is going to break, like he is going to join our side. A hopeful part of me rejoices, because I am about to succeed. But something inside me, that which has not been affected by the Dark, wants to howl in denial. Something inside me wants to prevent Harry from joining the Dark Lord.
But he stands up tall. "No. You know that I will never join Voldemort."
Good.
Not good.
What is happening to me? I cannot be indecisive at this time.
/If he doesn't want to join us, kill him. Kill him, Ronald./
/Yes./
Hesitation…
But the mark on my arm burns yet again, causing unspeakable pain, punishing me for hesitating.
I stare at Harry stonily, ice running in my veins at the thought that I would be the one to kill him off. Because there is no doubt in me that I would be able to. The master himself had schooled me in the Dark Arts. And although Harry would know every trick in the book I can pull, it doesn't mean he can evade them.
"Reconsider, Harry. Your life is at stake here."
"No. I will never reconsider. *You* should be the one to reconsider, Ron, you damn git!
Don't you care even an ounce for all of us? Don't you miss us?"
"No."
/Yes I do but I cannot go back to being a nothing./
I lift my wand up. "Ready yourself then, Potter. You'll need all the training you have."
I point my wand and cast a spell.
"Imperio!"
The Imperius Curse. I don't want to kill him. Somehow I just can't, so I opt to render him helpless. Control him. Make him see sense.
It doesn't take hold at all. And I remember Mad-Eye Moody's Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Harry can fight the Imperio Curse. Stupid thing this, to remember it just now.
At the edge of my vision, I see some of the dementors move towards Harry, drawn by the spells I have cast.
"Cease. I did not order you to advance.
You will leave this one to me. Take care of the other."
I glare at the dementors, raising my wand in threat, distaste in my tone as I push at them with my mind. And they back away. They know that I have my authority from the Dark Lord. And since they have made a pact with him, they have no choice but to obey me.
I didn't want dementors in the first place but my Master commanded. And I always obey. But this…I cannot let them do it. Not to him. I will take care of him myself.
I send a fireball his way and he deflects it. He doesn't fight back. He just stands there, with his wand up in a defensive crouch.
"Fight back, damn you!" I scream at him.
This is worse than I imagined it would be. How can I fight him like this? Every bone in my body screams "unfair" at me, which is a surprise. Two years have passed since I have ever felt a semblance of unfairness or guilt at my actions.
Because I had wanted to prove myself, I had beaten other witches and wizards in my two short years as a Death Eater without lifting an eyebrow at the obscenely disgusting tactics I used.
Yes, I, Ron Weasley, a descendant of countless good witches and wizards, fought dirty for the past two years. Breaking every rule in the Wizarding world, used the unforgivable curses with impunity. How Percy must be aching to throw the book at me.
To be sure, no one, not one of my brothers, or even Harry, can ever say that.
No, guilt is something I never entertained in the past two years. I had closed my ears to the begging and the pleadings that came from fellow wizards. All who sought to topple the Dark Lord earned nothing from me but pain and death.
But they weren't Harry.
"Ron! Come back to us. Think of your mother and father, your family."
My family. I falter. I miss them too.
No! No! I cannot go back. My family is not enough reason to go back to being a nothing and incurring the Dark Lord's wrath.
I continue attacking, wearing down his defenses. But I still do not use the unforgivable curses…
"Expecto Patronum!"
A silver light comes from Malfoy's vicinity but I do not look up. I have been expecting him to fight back anytime now. I would have expected nothing less from an Auror, even one such as Malfoy. The initial fear of having dementors all around him is wearing off and now Malfoy is ready to fight. A bit late, I might add. Not that I am surprised. It *is* Malfoy, after all.
He's just a little bit slow in conjuring up his Patronus. I would have whipped one up the moment I saw Harry in danger. Just goes to show who is better. I feel a glimmer of self-righteousness.
Malfoy's Patronus doesn't cause me to worry. After all I brought a lot of dementors. It will be awhile yet before he can get to us. Sufficient time to take care of business.
"Riddikulus!"
That startles me. It is such a useless spell against me that I wonder why he would even try to do it. And then I understand as he throws himself at me and pins me to the ground. He had only meant it to be a distraction.
Somehow I know that this is his final desperate try to bring me back. I know he is going to throw his best shot. But I am resolved. Nothing could bring me back. I do not want to be a nothing again. It is better to be evil and be counted than be nothing. Better to be evil than to be a nothing that will be punished for abominable sins against his fellow wizards.
"If you think this is going to hold me, Harry, you are sadly mistaken."
"I love you."
Wha…What did he say? I blink a few times in incredulity. I must have heard it wrong.
"I love you." He repeats, looking intently at me.
I never expect him to say it. After everything else that has happened, I thought that his concern is more for the sake of old friendship than anything else.
But this….the look in his eyes pierces my soul, making me forget the dark things I have done, making me believe that if I come back I won't be nothing, at least not in his eyes.
The memories tumble in and in each one, I see the concern he has always had for me, the love concealed in his concern.
And somehow, somehow that is enough for me.
All my emotional defenses crumble and guilt-laden tears leak out of my eyes as I put my arms around him, burrowing my face in the crook of his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, for, for everything." I tell him, stiffly, as I sit up, taking him with me.
"Yeah, you should be." He whacks me. "You've been a stupid git."
I know now that everything will be alright. I have still committed countless crimes against fellow wizards but somehow it will be alright. Harry will be with me through everything. Harry who loves me.
And that is all that matters.
/Traitor!/
The Dark Lord's voice hissed in my mind.
/You will pay for your perfidy. Imperio!/
I can feel the Dark Lord's power reaching out from where he is, travelling here, controlling my whole body as I watch in horror, as I slowly become unable to move. He is too powerful to resist.
I reach for my wand in reaction to the danger.
No time to think now. I feel the Dark Lord's presence filling me with its malevolence. And as he descends into my being, I know what Voldemort will be doing…with the loss of one of his Death Eaters, Harry has triumphed yet again. And Voldemort's pride cannot take this. He will try to kill Harry using Avada…
No! Not him! I cannot allow it. I think fast, trying to think of a way to circumvent the Dark Lord, sifting through my list of spells for something, anything to protect Harry. Malfoy would be of no use since he is battling the dementors. I know that he will only be able to get here just in time to see me kill Harry even if he decimates all of the dementors.
So what else can I do?
From out of the blue I decide my course of action. There is nothing else I can do.
I struggle against my Master's control with everything inside of me, desperation making me strong enough to push through for a moment. And I act as fast as I can.
/I am sorry Harry./
"Expelliarmus!"
I send Harry flying into the rocky mountain pass. Worry knits my brows as he picks himself up from the rocks with a surprised look on his face.
/What are you doing, Ronald?/
The malevolent tone is curious.
/Let me do it./
I tell him, pouring in all the menace and evil in my being in that thought.
/What do you plan to do?/
/What else? Avada of course./
/I had thought that you turned against me, Weasley./
/N..no, why should I do that, Dark Lord. I am faithful to the end. Let me prove it to you./
A sibilant laugh followed that.
/I am of the mood to kill Potter myself. He has been a thorn in my side for so long and I thirst for his death. But to have you kill him, to have his former best friend kill him will result in Potter's anguish. Enough to make me stronger. I will give you the chance, Weasley.
But be warned that I will be watching you, guarding your tongue. Say anything that is remotely a countercurse and I wll blast your mind to nothingness../
/Yes, I understand, Dark Lord./
/Now do it./
I lift my wand. This is it. There is no turning back. Tears squeeze through my eyes as I look at Harry, memorizing his features. I will never see him again, ever.
I remember the first time that we met, when we became friends. He had shared his Chocolate Frogs with me. I remember the time when Fred, George and I broke into Harry's muggle house to spirit him away from the Dursleys with father's enchanted car. Harry lived with us for the rest of the summer. I had shown him my room, a far cry from his bigger room and apologized for its smallness. He had smiled at me and told me that my house was the best house he had ever been in.
He had me then. I promised myself that I would always be by his side.
/I am sorry, Harry. It seems I can't even keep a promise to myself can I?
I am really sorry it had to turn out like this. I wish…I wish I didn't ever feel like I was second best. How can I be when I had you?
I should have realized even back then, in the Triwizard Tournament, that I would always have you.
I wish that I could do it over again. Then I wouldn't have done everything I did.
I am really sorry, Harry…/
/Do it, Weasley./
Goodbye…Harry.
And with that final thought, I raise my wand again and mutter the deadly words of the killing curse.
"Avada…"
Harry steps back in apprehension and surprise as I swing the wand and shout the first word. I can hear Voldemort silently gloating in my mind.
"…Kedavra!"
At the last second I turn my wand around to point at myself.
/Nooo!/
/I fooled Voldemort. I actually fooled him. Hell, only Harry has ever done that. I guess I'm not so much a nothing as I first thought./
"No! Ron!"
As I fall to the ground, the last thing I see is Harry racing towards me with a worried look on his face.
/Goodbye.
Be well, Harry…
I love you./
~OWARI~
^_~ Er, Draco has been shoved to the sideline, I know ^o^; but I couldn't help it. And making Ron die is so evil of me. I'm evil! beams at all of you>
Comments, like I am fond of saying
in the WKFF ml are very very welcome. I'm a brazen hussy when it comes
to asking for comments. Pretty please?