I'm aware this has totally been done before. But I saw that that version hadn't been updated in a while, and I got sudden inspiration after reading the Patriot version of these. And I never read the other VSD STXI version, so all material is 100 % original. And in this version, everyone is just a little gay. And catty. That's the point.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, but FUCK I wish I did.

Chapter 1: Captain Robau

1: Space is v/ boring today. Only job is to sit here, looking fucking sexy in the Cap's chair. And occasionally wipe head to rid self of sweat. AC appears to be broken.

2: Sweet! Some large anomaly has been spotted. Sitting and looking determined yet sexy v/ tiring after a while.

3: Some ugly Romulan with prison tattoos and a horrible complexion just appeared on-screen. Saying something about going aboard his massive ship. Assume he is compensating for something. Am scared but still look v/ sexy and determined. And maybe slightly confused.

4: Am totally vacating comfy chair to get this shit done. Call my first officer to accompany me as I sexily and dramatically exit the bridge.

5: Everyone like, totally stops what they're doing and stands like a statue when I walk by. Never gets old. Cannot help but smirk seductively.

6: Have stopped to briefly check self in mirror.

7: Everything is satisfactory.

8: Cue dramatic turn as I tell George Kirk that he's in charge now. V/ suspenseful moment, tbh.

9: Manning ugly, small craft over to huge ass spider ship. Putting on a little Journey to calm my nerves.

10: Am greeted by other dudes with sickly skin and faded tats when I enter ugly ship. Consider telling them to re-ink soon but refrain.

11: Dudes are taking me through ugly-colored corridors and shit as we go to the bridge. Why the fuck is everything dripping in here?

12: Finally arrive on bridge. Smells v/ much like replicated shit. Keep poker face as creepy guy from Skype call grills me about some dude named Spawk, or something.

13: Have no idea who Geriatric Vulcan onscreen is. Tell dude he needs to get with the times.

14: Probably not best idea. Dude just pulled out a trident like he's Ariel's dad and stabs my rock-hard abs. Fuc-