Attack of the Small, Disgruntled Critters
Lia sat in her office, behind her PC, fiddling with a new fanfic. The office was sort of a gift from the FOX producers so she'd stop picking on Nimoy. I'd prefer to be on the payroll, but this is okay for now. Matt stopped in, looking incredibly worn out.
"The girls over in the megchan.com Matt forum
fight over you again, or was it Jun and a squadron of screaming fangirls?"
"A little of both. Episode 45 can't come soon
enough."
For all of you who haven't heard the news, that's the day when Jun GIVES UP on chasing Matt.
"I'll protect you, don't worry."
"Thanks. Whaddya working on?"
"New Sorato, if that's okay. I mean, I know we
haven't done too much lately but I'm really getting into the concept. Besides,
all those video clips…"
"I know. Just don't forget that even though Toei
decided to go with Sorato that doesn't mean I'm going to stop dating you."
"Awwww.
How cute!" Shadowmon giggled, teleporting onto the desk a la Nightcrawler of
the X-Men.
"What do you want, cat?" Matt hissed, pulling up a
chair.
"I've got a business proposition for Lia. Is that
a problem?"
"Yes," Nicki stated, coming into the room. "Shad,
get back to the set and stop bothering Lia."
"Lia, the others and I wanted to know if we could
all trade places with you guys for a day."
"What?!" the three teenagers asked in unison.
"We want to trade places with you guys. You know,
we be the kids for a day and you guys be the digimon!"
"No way," Matt stated, folding his arms across his
chest. "No offense to Gabumon, but I really don't want him taking over my body
or whatever you guys are planning. He'd have to do a band rehearsal and I doubt
he could sing, let alone play the bass…by the way, how would you guys take our
bodies?"
"Easy.
We'd have Lia write it into the fanfic."
"Oh no, no. I refuse to do any such thing. There
is no way I'm going to put any digimon in any Digidestineds' body. So forget
it."
"Puh-lease, Lia?"
"No!"
"Hey, wait a minute. What about Lia and Yolei?
They have guy digimon. Would Hawkmon and Wizardmon turn into girls?" Nicki
pointed out.
"Nope. We'd just alter it out in the fanfic. So
come on, please? Please please please?"
At this point, the other digimon started trooping
into the office.
"She's not buying it, huh?" Gomamon asked.
"No. They don't wanna cooperate. Oh well, we'll
just have to take what we want by force. Palmon, restrain her!"
"Got it. Poison Ivy!"
"Wizardmon, run around to the PC and type it in!"
"Oh no you don't, you furry little mutineer," Matt
said as he and Nicki advanced to grab Shadowmon and/or trip up Wizardmon.
Unfortunately, somehow, the mob of digimon didn't allow that and Wizardmon took
hold of the keyboard.
"Damn you, Wizardmon, damn you!" Lia shouted as
blinding light enveloped the office and the rest of the Digimon set.
~*~
"Oh, my aching head. What the hell just happened?" Tai groaned.
"Did we just get run over by Archnemon and
Mummymon in their freaking Jeep?" Joe asked.
"No. Shadowmon and the other digimon broke into
Lia's office, took command of the fanfic and stole our bodies," Matt answered.
"WHAT?!" came the simultaneous response.
Everyone looked around. Thirteen digimon with the
voices of the normal Digidestined sat on the ground in the Digital World. The
only difference, other than the voice thing, was that Hawkmon had a very
feminine appearance.
"Suddenly Hawkmon looks very…um…Pocahontas," Davis
mentioned.
"YOU IDIOT, I'M NOT HAWKMON!" Yolei hollered,
smacking Davis upside his little blue head.
"Didn't Lia do an independent fic like this once?"
Sora asked.
"Yeah, she did," Izzy sighed.
"Speak of the devil, where the hell did she go?"
Mimi questioned.
"I'm
right here," Lia replied, walking over to the group from behind a couple trees.
"Lia…you're…you're…" Matt stammered.
"A chick Wizardmon?" she asked.
"You're still human, dammit!" Nicki shouted.
"What?!" Sure enough, Lia didn't have to suffer
like the rest of the group. "Now wait a minute, how did this happen?"
"Maybe whoever's in charge of the fanfic doesn't
want you to be…um, like this," Cody suggested.
"Well, who's in charge of the fanfic?" Ken
inquired.
"I am," came a voice.
"Wizardmon,
you bastard, what the hell are you…oh my freaking God…"
Wizardmon stepped out of the shadows, in what
appeared to be a gijinka form.
A/N: For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, gijinka is a digimon in human form.
"Hello, Lia."
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Letting
me off easy while all the others have to put up with this humiliation? Did
getting killed make you psychotic? You're like Digimon's Hannibal Lecter!"
"I'm getting what I deserve, that's what," he said
cryptically.
"You
undo this right now, you…you…you big meanie!" T.K. shouted.
"Nice insult, kid," Tai muttered.
"It's the freaking Patamon body talking."
"What are you guys up to? Why take our bodies? Why
not just go gijinka?" Izzy asked irately.
"Because…it's not as much fun," Shadowmon (as
Nicki) said, teleporting in.
"Grrr. Shadowmon, when I get out of this you are
one dead cat!" Nicki shrieked.
"But why Lia? Why leave her alone?" Mimi wailed.
"Because Wizardmon's exacting his revenge on
Matt," Kari stated.
"Huh?"
"Give the kitty a prize!" Shad cried.
"That's right. Ever since Lia became a
Digidestined, I had to sit back and watch you flirt with her. She'd go
off with you, a stupid blonde mortal, and leave me with that cat. And
all because I'm not human and I'm supposed to be her guardian. Well, it ends
here and now, pretty boy!"
"WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO EXACT REVENGE ON ME?"
Matt hollered.
"Because you're the bishonen of the group?" Tai
suggested.
"Wizardmon,
for the love of Gennai you leave my boyfriend alone, or else!"
"Or else what? You're not in control over the
fanfic anymore."
"Or else Taichi here burns your Harry Potter
collection."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Then I suggest you move on," Joe hissed.
"Threatened by a doctor that looks like a Water
Baby. Ooh, somebody's in trouble," Shad teased, disappearing.
"This isn't over!" Wizardmon shouted, taking his
own leave.
"Baka," Mimi snapped.
"Well, that was fun," Yolei said.
"He's not going to give up until he gets what he
wants," Ken mentioned.
"And we're probably powerless and unable to
digivolve," Sora added.
"Always the optimist, Sora," Nicki sighed.
~*~
"Let me guess, she didn't want to come," Palmon said as a disheartened Wizardmon reappeared.
"Shut up, plant. I can make her come, but
it wouldn't be as fun. I'd rather her come on her own volition first."
"Sho…doesh thish mean we're not going to shwipe
Joe'sh car and go for a joyride?" Veemon asked.
"Don't worry, Wizardmon will think of something,"
Biyomon said cheerfully.
"Yeah. Tai and the others aren't ruining my day
off!" Agumon added.
"What day off? We never do anything around here
anyway. Lia won't let us," Gomamon pointed out.
"Probably because of Tentomon," Hawkmon muttered.
(Hawkmon's gijinka as well!)
"Yeah, Nimoy in disguise," Gatomon added.
The others started humming the "Transformers"
theme.
"Gabumon, what's the look for? You're about as
riled up as a polecat in a roomful of rocking chairs," Armadillomon stated.
(Gotta love those southern clichés.)
"Ah…I'm not all that enthralled with the concept
of swiping Matt's body. Besides, he's too tall and gangly."
"Humph, I'm surprised. You're going to be chased
by screaming girls and you don't want to be in Matt's body?" Patamon
asked, fiddling with T.K.'s hat.
"You never mentioned girl fans chasing me. This
may be worth the effort after all."
"Come
on, we've got their wallets, don't we?" Wormmon mentioned. "Why don't we get an
ice cream and see what happens from there?"
"I like the way you think, Wormmon!" Shad cried,
scampering for the door.
"What if the kidsh try and shwipe back their
bodiesh?"
"They won't. They can't. Not with Wizardmon in
charge of the fanfic," Biyomon pointed out.
"Oh yeah."
"To the Joe Mobile, Digi-Wonder!" Gomamon cried,
grabbing "his" car keys.
"Dammit, that's my line!" Patamon cried, chasing
after him.
Wizardmon frowned at the computer as he left the
room. "Mark my words, Lia. You're going to do what I want, and there won't be
anyone standing in my way."
~*~
"So…any ideas on how we're going to stop a hoard of small, disgruntled critters invading our bodies and pillaging the city?" Lia asked.
"What about Willis?" Yolei cried.
"Yeah, what about him?" Nicki questioned
sarcastically.
"Well, since he technically isn't a Digidestined,
everybody ignores him. And because he has two digimon, if they did
invade his body there'd probably be two Willis and that would be a plot hole so
what if Willis and the twins saved the fanfic?"
"You want the bunny boy in charge of the story?"
Tai snapped.
"What do you suggest we do, Fearless
Leader?" Matt snapped back.
"I don't know, why don't you ask Sora, she is
your new girlfriend?!"
"Stop it! Come on, you two, fighting like we're
back in Season One isn't going to get our bodies back!" Sora cried.
"God only knows what Palmon could be doing to my
hair!" Mimi wailed.
"If I find out Patamon was running around as
Batpig in my body I swear I'm trading him in for a new digimon," T.K.
snarled.
Izzy was trying very hard to nudge his way over to
Nicki to cuddle her, but it wasn't working.
"Get away from me, Izzy."
"But Nicki I…"
"No, just no, okay? Just…just no."
"I don't get it!" he moaned.
"It's cuz you're the Nimoy bug now," Ken sighed.
"Yup, Nimoy, killer of anime."
Lia sat down among the rest of her peers and
started contemplating things.
"Lia? Hey, you okay?"
"Matt, I love you and all, but get the hell away
from me."
"Lia?"
"Look, you're frightening the hell out of me, I
don't even know what the hell you are right now…can't you digivolve? I can live
with a wolfish thing in jeans, but not…a lizardy dog with a horn!"
Matt
and Izzy went off to sulk while the others just sat around and sighed loudly.
"This isn't getting us anywhere," Cody pointed
out.
"Shut up or else the minute I get my author-ness
back I'm shipping you to Grace Musica for a trip to detention! She'll…hmmm,
there's a thought."
"Oh, you're not going to butter up another author
to rescue us, are you?" Yolei whined. "You've already got Cherry and Reo
working for you on Batpig and Grace mails you like every other day and Pokezack
plans on tormenting you and stuff in his Survivor thing so just don't do it!"
"Yolei, shut the hell up!" Nicki snapped.
"Well, our only other option is Willis and you
don't see him around, do you?"
"WOULD EVERYONE KNOCK IT OFF?" Mimi shrieked. "It
makes no sense to do anything if we can't even run the fanfic so why doesn't
Lia just turn herself in to Wizardmon and get us out of this mess?"
"Mimi!"
Matt shouted.
"Hey, don't even think about harassing her," Joe
snapped.
"No, Mimi's a genius!"
"Is that a plot hole?" Sora asked.
"Lia can play along with Wizardmon as long as she
can, then get to her PC or the backup files on Izzy's laptop and get us out of
here."
"Wow, I came up with that?"
"Well, O Mighty Author?" Tai questioned
sarcastically.
"I'll give it a shot. But just in case, Gracie's
just an email away and Willis would probably show up if Yolei willed him to."
"Just get going so we can have opposable thumbs
again," Nicki sighed.
~*~
Meanwhile, the digimon had come back
from their ice cream raid and were now trashing my office…sort of. Just then a
knock came to the door as one of Nimoy and Buchholz's worthless underling
interns came for a visit.
"Um…excuse me…Digidestined? The bosses want you in
the soundstage to record the American dub for episode 41…and…" the little
lackey stopped, glancing around the room. "Nicki" and "Joe" (Shadowmon and
Gomamon) were behind the desk, presumably glomping, "Mimi" and "Matt" (Gabumon
and Palmon) were making out over by the water cooler, "T.K." and "Davis" were
chasing "Kari" (Patamon, Veemon, and Gatomon), and "Sora" was cuddling with
gijinka Hawkmon (Biyomon). The others weren't doing much; Wizardmon was sulking
in the corner.
The intern got very intimidated and took off,
leaving the digimon to their own devices.
"Hey Wizardmon, I think Lia's trying to contact
you or something. Either that or Archnemon is trying to call again," Wormmon
pointed out.
"Yes?" he asked casually.
"One date, that's it. And I do it for the sake of
Yamato, the Digidestined, and the fact that as soon as this fanfic is over I'll
be in charge again and I can always ship you over to Los Luchadores or Pokémon
Johto if you piss me off again," Lia snapped, standing in front of one of the
Digiworld TVs. Interesting thought: they go in through computers and go out
through TVs.
"You'll
do it?"
"As much as I regret it, *sigh*, yes."
"YAY!"
"Sho Wizhardmon got Lia to go on a date with him?
How unfair ish that? I never get girlsh to date me! I'll alwaysh be the big bad
wolf!"
"Um, don't you mean lone wolf?" Patamon pointed
out.
"Yeah, whatever."
Wizardmon typed into the fanfic that Lia got out
of the Digital World and back into her own office, and magically, she did.
"Just know this, Lia. If I find out you're trying
to trick me or something I can make you want me."
"That's such a gross thought, Wizardmon. Don't
frighten the readers like that."
"So…are we going out again?" Gomamon asked,
sticking his head up from behind the desk.
"Yeah. Pull yourself together and let's hit the
road!" Agumon cheered.
~*~
"So…how long do you think it'll be until Lia saves us all?" Davis asked.
Everyone else groaned loudly. Just then the sound
of squealing tires permeated the air.
"Not them. Why now?" Cody sighed.
"Prepare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
"Quit ripping off the Team Rocket motto. It's old
and nobody wants to hear it," Nicki groaned. Yolei and Mimi were coming up with
a catch phrase song in the background. (This is for all my friends in the
megchan.com forum…X Agumon for writing it and everybody else just cuz.)
"Perfecto! What a wonderful phrase!"
"Perfecto! Ain't no passing craze!"
"It means no worries for the rest of your days!"
"It's our problem free philosophy, perfecto!"
"Now we've moved on to the Disney spiel. I can
hardly wait to see what we steal next," Joe muttered.
"Hey, what's with your
voices? You sound like the kids," Mummymon observed.
"WE ARE THE KIDS!" they shouted unanimously.
"Ohhhhh. Your digimon stole your bodies and
control of the fanfic and now we're here to make your lives miserable and you
don't want to take any crap from us because you're all tired and irritable and
stuff like that?" Archnemon asked. Everyone nodded. "WELL TOO BAD!"
"Lady, if you don't let us off easy for today,
just this one freaking day, I swear to God we will edit every fanfic you've
ever appeared in to permanently say Arukenimon," Matt snapped.
"NO! NOT ARUKENIMON! PLEASE, NOT ARUKENIMON!"
"Then leave us alone," Ken stated.
"Fine, we'll go away. Come Mummymon."
"Coming!"
"One more thing!" Tai
shouted. The happy-go-lucky villains turned, staring at them in question.
"You're always calling Ken to harass him; can you call our pal Willis in
Colorado and tell him to get his sorry nonexistent fanfic-ed carcass here so
maybe we can get out of these God-forsaken bodies?"
"Hey, why not? We got nothing better to do, other
than figure out what the point of the Destiny Stones are."
"Didn't Lia have something like that in an
independent fic?" Izzy asked.
"Yes," the 01 cast answered in a deadpan monotone.
~*~
Meanwhile, back in the Real World (the actual Real World, not the MTV show) the digimon were still driving around in Joe's car, a good majority of them belting out "Born to be Wild" as Gomamon cruised along the freeway. Wizardmon kept trying to put the moves on Lia, while trying to type the fanfic on Izzy's stolen laptop, and Gatomon would smack him repeatedly every time he scooted closer. Just then Lia spotted something come flying out of nowhere.
"Look, up in the sky!"
"It's a bird!" Shadowmon immediately responded.
"It'sh a plane!" Veemon added.
"It's…Galgomon?!" Tentomon asked, puzzled. Willis
and Lopmon, hitching a ride on the spifftacular Bunny In Jeans were quickly
approaching the speeding car.
"All right, you guys, you had your fun, now give
back the fanfic and everyone else's bodies or Galgomon shoots," Willis ordered.
"Hold it, Goldilocks," Wizardmon cautioned. "One
false move and you'll be featured on the Zack Files for the rest of your life,
and Lia here will become (dum dum dum) a trainer of the day on Pokémon Johto."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
(Um, that would be me.)
"Pull the car over, pull the car over, pull the
car over!" Armadillomon wailed. Gomamon had just gotten off the freeway, was
driving down the center of town, slammed on the brakes, and careened into a
nearby Barnes and Noble.
There
was a mad scramble for the laptop, Willis grabbing it first.
"Lia, what do I do?"
"Type something, quick!"
Willis started typing. All of a sudden the city
disappeared, and the entire cast found themselves in a huge sprawling field in
what must have been Colorado.
"Not that, baka! Give me the laptop!" Lia snapped.
Willis went to hand it over, when Gomamon snatched it from his hands. The scene
changed again, to a karaoke bar with Christmas lights strung around it and
stiff drinks being poured. The female portion of the cast found themselves wearing
about as much as Toni Braxton did at the Grammys *cough, scarf dress, cough*.
"GOMAMON!" Joe hollered, as all the Digidestined
were present as well.
"I've got it!" Davis yelled, taking the computer
and typing something. Kari ran over to him and started kissing him
passionately.
"DAVIS!" Ken, Tai, and T.K. cried in unison.
"Here, give me that!" Matt yanked the laptop from
Davis, edited the Kari statement and got everyone back into their own bodies,
and the girls back into decent clothing.
"Arigatou, Yama-chan!" Lia cried.
Shadowmon
levitated the laptop over to herself and used the power of her mind to type
something. The scenery jumped again, now to the Australian outback. There were
a set of Digidestined (not all of them though) and one other kid, freckle-faced
and poking a fire with a stick.
"NO! NOT YOU!" the kid and Lia yelled
simultaneously.
"Who the hell?" the existent cast (meaning not me
or Nicki) asked.
"Sean, also known as Pokezack," Nicki mentioned.
"DIE, DAMMIT!" Lia shrieked, swearing in Japanese
and proceeding to strangle Sean.
"GAK! It's…just…a…fanfic," he choked.
"ONE WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME! BUT NOT IF I
CAN'T DO IT FIRST!"
"9.5th Child Survivor fic. Sean's vowed
to kill her off in it just because she said she could beat the kuso out of any
of Sean's self-created digimon or pokémon. It's a rivalry they've had since oh,
I don't know, elementary school," Nicki continued.
"DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!"
"GAK!"
"Hello, is this Clarice?" someone said, coming out
of nowhere.
"Oh, I forgot, he's got some sick obsession with
Hannibal Lecter."
"Would anyone like some fava beans? Or a nice
Chianti?" Dr. Lecter asked. "Thpthpthpthpthp."
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Mimi wailed.
Lia
stopped trying to murder Sean, partially because his own hoard of psychotic,
sex-crazed Digidestined were attempting to beat her up, and walked over to the
laptop.
"Lia stopped trying to murder Sean, partially
because his own hoard of psychotic, sex-crazed Digidestined were attempting to
beat her up, and walked over to the laptop. She calmly opened the digiport and
transported her own cast back to her own Author's Dimension, where the digimon
were severely punished for tampering with the fanfic. They lost all TV and
computer privileges, and were denied any candy for a month."
She calmly opened the digiport and transported her
own cast back to her own Author's Dimension, where the digimon were severely
punished for tampering with the fanfic. They lost all TV and computer
privileges, and were denied any candy for a month. These last few sentences
were brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.
"So
what happens now?" Sora asked.
"We go back to doing what we always do in my
twisted little world: try and kill Nimoy and Buchholz, support self-inserted
characters, and rip off as many cartoon shows as we can. Now, let's get some
Nestea (I don't drink soda), clean up the damage, and taunt Archnemon," Lia
stated, still typing the fanfic.
"Sounds good to us!" the kids agreed.
And thus
ends what had to have been the weirdest story I ever didn't write.
~*~
Wow.
That got out of hand. Eep. As for you, Sean, all I have to say is this:
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
And
Nicki, if you EVER let that cat do something like that again I will throw to
the coyotes in our backyard, now WORK ON THE BOOK or it's Nicki/Davis time! As
for my readers, revi—aw, screw it, I'm sick of saying it.