Draggin' Tails
Holy Shit! Dragons!
Disclamer: I don't own Dragon Tales. They belong to PBS. Public Bull Shit.
On a partly cloudy day. A moving truck, was parked in front of a ugly pinkish-white house. Two kids. A boy & a girl, was looking at the house. The girl was carrying a big-ass book & the boy was carrying a ugly pink towel. The girl, who's name was Emmy, had a smile on her face.
"Come on, Max. Let's check it out." she said with happiness in her voice.
"No way." the boy, who's name was Max, said. "I don't like our new house. It's dumb!"
"Just like you." Emmy said, as she turned to him. "C'mon. Mom said, that there be a surprise inside, remember?"
Then she grabs his arm & pulls him to the ugly ass house. Inside, they went to a room, that had dragon wallpaper. Emmy was amazed.
"Whoa! A playroom!" she gasped.
"So?" Max said. "Is this the surprise?
"I guess." Emmy said, as she went over to the wall. "And look. Dragons. Just like in my dragon book!"
Then she opens up the book, she been carrying & turns to a page, that had a pale blue snake-looking dragon.
"Hey. All my trucks are here!" Max said, as he threw the towel aside & went to his trucks. Just then, a Rosie Perez sounding voice was heard.
"Max. Emmy. Findin' all yo' toys 'ight?" the voice said.
"Yeah, mom." Emmy repiled, as she looked up from the book.
"Good." said a male voice, that belonged to their unseen father, that sounds like a older dragon, that's gonna appear later. "We're still unpackin'. Have fun kids."
"Okay daddy." the kids said in unison. Emmy turned to Max. "You sounded so gay, when you said that. 'Okay daddy.' God! You should go eat a dick!"
"What does 'gay' & 'dick' mean?" Max asked, stupidly.
"It's what you are." Emmy started. "A gay dick."
Max, not wanting to get in a argument, picked up a truck.
"Varoom! Varoom! Varoom!" the boy said, as he was kicking his legs.
Upon doing this, he accidently opened a secret drawer. He notices this.
"Hey Emmy." he said, as he got on the floor. "Come here."
He pulls, well tries to pull the drawer open, but failed. Emmy was enjoying this. Seeing her little brother, struggle.
"A secret drawer." said Captin Oblivious. "Let me help."
"I can do it!" whined Max.
He pulls on the drawer so hard, that he falls backwards into some boxes, that had the lable; 'fragile' on them. The boxes fell onto the floor and of course something broke, as glass shattering was heard. Max lifts up his head, looking defeated.
"Okay. You can help." he sighed.
Then they both started pulling the drawer open, together. They pulled & pulled, but they both ended falling backwards into some more boxes. The boxes fell onto their heads.
"Ow!" Emmy cried, as some of the boxes items, which was pencils, pens, & for some reason; knives fell down onto her.
"Ha!Ha!" Max laughed, as pillows & covers fell from his box.
Then they both get up to see, that the stubborn ass drawer was opened. In it was a designed golden box with a ruby lock. Emmy picked up the box.
"Look! Another dragon." she awed, as she opened the box.
Inside of the box, was rainbow rock. It shined & sparkled for the first time, for god knows how many years.
"I think, I know what it is." Emmy said.
"Is it somethin' to play with?" Max asked, as he took the rock from his sister.
Emmy looks at her book. "Here. Look Max. We found a dragon scale. Just like these."
Then she showed the book to Max. On the page, that the book was on, it showed a green dragon, with scales.
"But dragons, aren't real." Max said.
"Neither are we." Emmy said, breaking the fourth wall. "We're just ink & paint on some animation gels."
"We're not real?" Max asked, in a hurt voice.
"Oh shit!" Emmy exclaimed. "I shouldn't have said that!"
"You damn right, you shouldn't!" shouted the director. "You just caused us money! Do you know, how much money, we have to spend, doin' that scene?"
"Lots." Emmy said.
"Yeah!" the director shouted. "Thanks to you, we have to do that scene all over again! Looks like, we have to cut out the music video for this episode!"
Everyone was mad at Emmy.
Take 2
"But dragons aren't real." Max said. Then he had a worried look on his face. "Are they?"
"I believe in them." Emmy said, with a smile on her face.
Get ready, for her annoying catchphrase now, yall!
"Definately." Emmy said, with a wide grin on her face.
Annoying, ain't it? Anyway, she looks at the box some more.
"There's some words here. 'I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart.'" she read outloud, as she started looking like Princess Daisy from the Mario Brothers games.
Then, as if they had ears. The dragons, that's on the wallpaper, came from the walls & started flying around the brother & sister. Emmy gasped.
"Whoa!" she gasped.
"What's goin' on?" Max cried.
The dragons circled around them faster & faster, until there was a bright lime-colored flash.
It then shows, a mountain with snow on it's peak. The two kids appears.
"W-Where are we, Emmy?" Max asked, scared.
"I don't know." Emmy said, doing her worst William Shanter impression.
Then she looks at the ground, a purple rock, was by her foot. It had changed from purple to red. She picks it up.
"Whoa! A rock changed color." she awed. "And it's my favorite color too! Red. I'm keepin' it."
She puts the rock into her pocket.
"I've found a rock too!" Max said, as he picked up a yellow tooth-like rock. "And my points!" He puts the 'rock' into his pocket.
Emmy looks at the sky.
"Max. Look!" she exclaimed, as she pointed into the air.
In the air, was two dragons. A blue one & a pink one.
"Are those, real dragons?"
"Real, big dragons." Max added, as he hid behind Emmy.
"I gotta find it!" the blue dragon said. "It's my first tooth & it just fell out!"
The pink dragon looks down.
"Ord." the pink dragon said, to the blue dragon. "Down there!"
"You found my tooth!" Ord exclaimed, as he was about to shit on himself. "Huh? What's that?"
"I think, they're children." the pink dragon said to Ord. "I saw a picture of them on a book."
"We better stay far, far awa.." Ord started, as the pink dragon swooped down towards the brother & sister. "Cassie! Where are you goin'?"
Then Cassie comes back up & grabs Ord. Then she pulls him down to the kids. They land. Max was still behind Emmy.
"Emmy." Max whispered, from behind her.
"Cassie." Ord whispered, from behind her.
"Wow! You talk!" Emmy exclaimed.
"So do you!" Cassie exclaimed.
"Yes. I'm Emmy." Emmy said. "And this is my little brother Max."
"I'm not little." Max started. "I'm big!"
"Are you really?" Cassie asked, amorusly.
"What?" Max asked.
"Never mind." Cassie said, angered that Max didn't get her reference. "Anyway, I'm Cassie."
Then she moves away, so Ord was unprotected. So-to-speak.
"And this is my scaredy friend; Ord."
"Hi." Ord said.
Max comes to him & looks up at him. Ord was huge as a fuckin' tree.
"You won't bite me, will ya?" Ord asked.
"Me? Bite you?" Max asked. "Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!"
"Where are we?" Emmy asked, as she looked around.
"Dragon Land." Cassie answered.
"Dragon Land?" Emmy repeated, like a fuckin' idiot.
"What are you hard of hearin'?" Cassie sniffed. "Yeah. We're in Dragon Land!"
Then she recovered.
"Do more dragons live here?" Emmy asked.
"Sure." Cassie said, not wanting to lose her cool again. "Lots and lots. Aren't there dragons, where you come from?"
"Only on storybooks." Emmy said.
Then all of a sudden, the whole world started shaking.
"W-W-Whoa! W-W-What's happenin'?" Max asked.
Ord rubs his potbelly.
"Oh. It's just my tummy." he said. "I forgot my morning snack."
Then he goes into his 'hoard' & started taking out useless crap like a beachball, a pillow, & some underwear, until he took out some purple seeds.
"Ah! Dragoncorn!" he exclaimed.
Then he takes a deep breath, as he threw the seeds into the air. Cassie pulls Max & Emmy back.
"Duck!" she shouted.
Ord releases his fire breath onto the seeds. The seeds turned into purplish-popcorn.
"Wow. Fire breath." Emmy awed. "I always wanted to do that."
Max comes up out of the popcorn.
"Cool Ord." the boy without a life, said. "Huge, pink..."
He picks up a piece of the popcorn & takes a bite.
"Popcorn!" he said.
Then they all started eating the popcorn, with Ord being the main one to eat it.
"Now, I'm not hungry anymore." Ord said, as he looked sleepy. "But I still don't have my baby tooth. It's gone."
"Poor Ord." Cassie soothed the larger dragon.
"Maybe, you can check all the places, you play today." Emmy suggested. "That's what I do, when I lose crap."
"What does 'crap' mean?" Ord asked.
"Never mind." Emmy said, as she facepalmed herself.
"Yeah. Maybe I lost it at 'Singin' Springs', when I showed it to Zak & Wheezie." Ord said.
"Who the fuck is Zak & Wheezie?" Max asked.
Everyone gasped.
"What?" Max asked.
"You said, the F word!" Cassie exclaimed. "I'm tellin' the director!"
"Oh no you don't!" the director shouted to her. "I already know. He can cuss. Hell everybody can cuss!"
"Okay?" Cassie said, mysteriously.
"Like, I said. Who the fuck is Zak & Wheezie?" Max asked again.
"We'll show you. C'mon." Cassie said, as she & Ord fly off.
The two dragons look down on the kids.
"Aren't you comin'?" Ord asked.
"We can't fly." Emmy called out to them.
"Can't fly?" Cassie & Ord repeat, like idiots in unison.
Then they both flew back down to the kids.
"Not even a lil' bit?" Ord asked.
Max & Emmy nodded.
"No." they both said in unison.
"Well." Cassie started. "Emmy. You could ride on my back."
"Me?" Emmy asked.
"No, I'm talkin' about your daddy." Cassie said in a sarcastic tone. "Of course, you."
"Me. Fly? Definately." Emmy said, her annoying catchphrase.
"Wanna ride on me, Max?" Ord asked, as he laughed at what he just said.
"I don't know." Max said.
"It's okay, you big baby." Emmy said to him. "I'll go first."
Then she goes over to Cassie & gets on her back. Cassie turns to her.
"All set?" she asked, as she was about to take off.
"Yeah." Emmy answered.
Then Cassie took off & flew around a bit in the air.
"Max! Look! Look! I'm flyin'!" Emmy exclaimed.
"Actually, you're just ridin'. I'm flyin'." Cassie muttered, but not loud enough for Emmy to hear.
"It does look, sort of fun." Max said, as he looked up at Ord again. "But how am I gonna get way up there?"
"Climb on!" Ord said, as he turned his back to him.
Max climbs up Ord's back & Ord laughed.
"You tickle." he laughed, as he slid Max up & down on his back.
"Whoa!" Max called out as he slid. "This is better than my slide at home, Emmy."
"Ready?" Ord asked.
"Let's go." Max replied.
"Hold on tight." Ord said, as he's ready to take off. "All aboard for Singing Springs!" Then they took off.
"This is so fuckin' cool!" Max exclaimed.
"You can open your eyes now, Max." Emmy laughed.
"Super cool!" Max the loser, exclaimed.
They was soon at a gold fountain. And coming from the fountain, was music-shaped water, that made music.
"That water's playin' music!" Captain Oblivious pointed out.
"Sure. This is Singin' Springs." Ord said.
"Where's Zak & Wheezie?" Cassie asked, as she looked around.
"I'll get 'em!" Ord said, as he went over to a knucklehole. He looks into it. "Zak! Wheezie! Come out, wherever you are!"
Then the ground starts shaking. Then came out of the knucklehole, came out a green & purple dragon. The dragon had two heads. Anyway, the dragon fell into the fountain, making the lame 90's WB cartoons 'honk' sound.
The dragon looked at the others.
"What's up?" it said.
Max gasped. "It's a..."
Emmy interrupted. "Two headed dragon!"
"Great big ballz of fire!" said the purple female head.
"I say, what the bloody 'ell are they?" asked the green male head.
"Children." Cassie answered. "Emmy & Max, this is Zak & Wheezie."
"Children?" Zak asked.
Get ready for another annoying catchphrase.
"LOOOOOOOOOOVE IT!" Wheezie screeched.
"Zak. Wheezie. Did I left my tooth in your room?" Ord asked.
"I don't have the jolliest idea, old bean." Zak said.
"Let's go look." Wheezie said.
Then they ran back to the knucklehole & jumped back inside.
"Where they go?" Max asked, stupidly, as if he didn't see what happened.
"Down the knucklehole, stupid." Cassie sniffed. "They live down there."
"A knucklehole?" Emmy awed. "Wow! Can we see?"
Mario: No.
Robotnik: NO!
"Never mind those assholes." Cassie said. "C'mon."
"Me first, this time." Max bitched.
"Okay. Okay. You spolied brat!" Emmy sniffed.
Then Ord picks up Max & they both fall into the hole.
"GER-WHATEVER-HIS-NAME!" he shouted.
Cassie with Emmy follows.
They bounced around, until they hit the bottom. The stolen WB sounds played again, as they landed. They looked at Zak & Wheezie.
"Our cave, is your cave." Wheezie said.
"Did you find my tooth?" Ord asked, with hopefulness in his voice.
"I say, I don't see your tooth on my side, old chap." said the british dragon head.
"It's not on my side, either." added Wheezie.
"How can you tell anything is, in all that bloody mess." Zak asked.
"What mess?" Wheezie asked, stupidly.
Ord sighed sadly. "Oh. I guess, my tooth isn't here."
"Maybe, Quetzal can help us look." Cassie said.
"Quetzal?" Emmy repeated, like a fuckin' idioit.
Cassie was cross. "You know what? Just because, you keep repeatin' every single thing, I'm not gonna tell you, who he is."
"Oh, come on!" Emmy whined.
"Let's go to the school in the sky." Cassie said, ignoring Emmy.
"You go to a school, up in the sky?" Max asked, stupidly.
The scene then fades to some background dragons, playing on the playground. Then it shows, a small cottage-like building. The three main dragons landed in front of it.
"Cool! A playground!" Emmy awed.
"Wow!" a loser named Max added.
Damn, these kids don't get out much, do they?
"Take it easy, Wheezie!" Zak hollered. "You're gonna make me spill my cup of tea!"
Max & Emmy get off of Ord & Cassie, as the door to the cottage-like building opens.
"Quetzal!" Ord called out.
There, standing at the door, was an older yellow dragon.
"¡Que sorpresa! Children! Here in Dragon Land!" he exclaimed.
"Emmy. Max" Cassie started. "This is Quetzal."
"'Hola niños!" Quetzal exclaimed happily.
"You speak spanish?" Emmy asked, stupidly.
"Sí. I come from Me-he-co." Quetzal said.
"So does my abuela." Max added.
"Maybe, we're cousins?" Emmy asked stupidly.
"Hee! Hee! Hee! Ha!" Quetzal laughed, at the stupid girl's remark.
"Quetzal." Cassie started. "Have you ever seen children, in Dragon Land before?"
"Ah, sí, Cassie." Quetzal said, in his thick spanish accent. "Come, I'll show you."
It fades away, to a book, that had a golden dragon on it. Quetzal opened it.
"Long ago in Dragon Land, there was a lonely dragon who wanted to play with real, live children. So she sprinkled magic dust on her shiniest dragon scales and blew them right out of Dragon Land. And whenever children are lucky enough to find one, they can visit Dragon Land any time they want." Quetzal explained, as he sparkled some magic dust onto the book and the book's characters played.
"And we found, one of her scales!" Emmy said.
"But, we didn't find my tooth." Ord cried, interrupting everyone's good mood, with his problems.
Then the asshole starts crying. Well, more like, bawling. Like a little baby.
"Oh, bloody hell!" Zak said, as he rolled his eyes.
"Oh, god!" Wheezie said, as she rolled her eyes.
"¡Ah dios!" Quetzal said, as he took out a joint. "This pensamiento alegre de asno is gonna be cryin' for horas! Might as well smoke some of my el jointos!"
Then he lights up the joint & starts smoking, as Max, Emmy & Cassie went to a table & read some magazines, while the big baby cried over his tooth.
"This'll be a good time, to take a break!" the director said.
Then all of the camera & production crew, went on break, as Ord cried his eyes out.
"Time for tea!" Zak said, as he looked at his watch. It was after 4:00.
"Time to listen, to some smooth jazz!" Wheezie exclaimed, as she took out a cd player, some smooth jazz cds, & several boxes of cheese crackers, chocolate chip cookies, a several bottles of Sierra Mist, cans of Red Bull, two newspapers, that said; 'The London Times' & 'The Wall Street Journal'.
"So, which one, d'you wanna read first, Zaky?" she aked. "The London Times or 'The Wall Street Journal'?"
"The London Times, my dear Wheezie." Zak said, as he took a sip of tea.
"Okay." she said, as she tossed him the newspaper.
Then she reached into their 'hoard' & took out a magazine, that said.; 'Playdragon: The Female's edition'. And started reading it.
Four hours later.
Ord had stopped crying & everyone was done with their breaks.
"You lost y-your, y-your root?" Quetzal asked, still high.
"Wrong!" the director shouted. "It's 'you lost your tooth', Quetzal. Do it again!"
Take 2
"You lost y-your tooth?" Quetzal asked, still high. "Show me."
Then Ord points to the empty spot in his mouth.
"I've found, somethin' today, that looks just like that." Max explained, as he dug into his pocket, to get the tooth-shaped rock, that he found earlier and takes it out. "See?"
"It's my tooth! IT'S MY TOOTH!" Ord exclaimed, as he picked up the boy and hugged him tightly. "Thank you, Max! You're the best!"
"Uh, Ord." Max said. "I'm squished."
It fades away, to Ord's tooth in a brown box.
"What are you doin', Ord?" Emmy asked.
"Every time dragons lose a tooth, they get to make a wish." Ord explained in a excited voice. "This is my first one!"
Then he blows onto the tooth & the tooth disappears. Max & Emmy was amazed.
"What did you wish for?" Max asked.
"I wish, you & Emmy would come back and play." Ord said. "All the time."
"Loooooooove it!" Wheezie said, her annoying catchphrase again.
"I got to agree with you on that one, old bean." Zak said.
Quetzal went over to the cupboard & opened it. He took out another dragon scale.
"Well, this is easy. The dragon scale, at their house will glow & they'll know, you want to play with them." he explained, as he gave the extra scale to Ord. "I've got the algo para picars, man! That is some fucked up shit!"
"But, we don't know, how to go home." Emmy said, now realizing the reality of this.
"I'll teach you a special rhyme, to take you home." Quetzal said. "Ready niños?"
Everyone said their goodbyes.
"Goodbye."
"I'll miss you!"
"So, long, old beans!"
"See ya!"
"I'll dream about you, in my dreams!"
"Ready, Quetzal." Emmy said, as she held Max's hand.
"Now here is the rhyme." Quetzal started. "Only toasters, toast toast!"
"CUT!" shouted the director. "Do it, again!"
Take 3
"Oh, Bob Saget!" Quetzal said, in the Tourette's Guy's voice.
"WRONG!" the director shouted, also in Tourette's Guy's voice.
Take 4
"I wish, I wish to use this rhyme. To go back home, until next time." Quetzal said. "I'm still fuckin' zumbado, man!"
"I wish, I wish to use this rhyme. To go back home, until next time." Emmy & Max said together, as sparkles started forming around them.
Then there was a white flash & it shows their room. Emmy goes over to the secret drawer & opens it to see the dragon box. She picks it up & opens it, to see the original dragon scale.
"It's here!" she exclaimed. "I can't wait, to go back to Dragon Land."
"Me too!" Max added. "I wonder, if Ord has trucks?"
Then he picks up his green truck.
"Varoom! Varoom! VAROOM!"
Then the off-screen Rosie Perez sounding mother speaks.
"Emmy. Max. How d'chu, like da new house?"
Max & Emmy looks at each other.
"LOOOOOOOOVE IT!" they both said, Wheezie's annoying catchphrase together.
"Cut and print!" the director said. "And that's a wrap!"
"Oh man!" Quetzal shouted. "I NEED TO GET ME SOME MORE EL JOINTOS & SOME TACOS, MAN!"
"Oh, fuck off, you sod!" Zak sniffed, as he drunk his tea.
Looks like, that's it for the first chapter of Draggin' Tails. What did we learn from this chapter? Well, Quetzal is an old drug addit. Ord's a baby. Zak's british, & Cassie's a bitch. Please read & review, on what episode, should be parodied next.