Emma was so angry with him. Sure, Ruby had dared him. So. Freaking. What. She was angry with Ruby, too. To be fair, she probably hadn't expected him to actually do it. But also to be fair, Killian had never turned his nose up to a dare. Never to this very second. And she was beyond even pissed. She was livid and embarrassed and she wanted nothing more than an for an ogre to come from the woods and eat her.
They all were a bit tipsy, save Ruby. It was safe to say that Ruby was thoroughly drunk. Emma had known the dare game was coming by the twinkle that lit up her friends eyes. The devious glint that meant she definitely was scheming something. Generally the joke was on the boys so Emma just rolled her eyes, turning back to Killian, Will, Tink and Alice. Baelfire had left early, saying something about exhaustion and a headache. Emma had worried about him vaguely before forgetting entirely. The world seemed a little smaller from their little table in the corner and it made her worries seem smaller, too.
Maybe running from the bar had been a slight overreaction, but at the time it felt warranted. She wasn't sure if she ever wanted to see him again. She didn't know how he could've done that to her, in front of everyone. He didn't ever think, she knew that already. But he was her best friend and she thought he knew her well enough to not have to think. But apparently she was wrong. She tried to slow her breathing, clinging to the bark of the nearest tree and feeling it dig into her palms.
"Time foooor a game," Ruby had slurred, then smirked that mischievous grin again. Emma should have been getting nervous, but she wasn't. She and Alice were rolling their eyes at the pathetic sailor-oriented joke Killian had tossed and the Knave had cackled at. Tink was shaking her head at the boys. But when Ruby announced it was game time, everyone slowly turned their attention to her. Her dares were fun, and fun to laugh at.
"What'll it be this time, lass?" Killian asked, still swallowing chuckles from his terrible joke. He glanced at Emma, whose eyebrow shot up.
He rolled his eyes at her and she smirked, turning back to Ruby. She was signaling the bartender for yet another drink. The minute she wasn't looking Emma watched as Killian got his attention as well, cutting his hand along his throat. They all knew that the last thing Ruby needed was another. Emma's smirk softened into a gentle smile.
"I have a dare," she continued, voice decidedly less slurry. Emma found herself wondering in the back of her mind if her friend was really as drunk as she was acting. It definitely wouldn't be a first.
"For…?" Knave prodded, taking the remainder of Emma's drink from in front of her and downing it. She didn't move fast enough to get it back, so she glared at him and punched his shoulder. He smirked and then cringed as Tink kicked him beneath the table.
Ruby raised a finger, waving it sloppily. Until it landed on Killian.
"You, hottie," then her hand popped over her mouth, and she glanced at Emma like she'd said something wrong. Emma just raised an eyebrow at her.
She couldn't believe that he'd actually done it.
"Alright, love, nail it on me," his eyebrows raised and crooked in anticipation. A relaxed smirk was planted in his features. It took a moment but Emma did realize she was staring, and quickly turned back to Ruby.
"Killy, Killy, Killy," she paused, and then her grin widened even further. "Kiss the most beautiful person in the bar."
"Well I can't kiss myself, lass," he shot back immediately, and the Knave choked. Emma rolled her eyes. He was such an idiot, with his dark hair messed in all directions. But she didn't think anyone could deny that her best friend was beautiful.
"Oi, I'm here, mate," the Knave argued once he'd regained composure, "No competition." Alice elbowed him and he laughed.
But Killian wasn't laughing anymore. He was quiet. Because as much as they laughed at Ruby's dares, when it came down to it they took the game very seriously. Emma felt her pulse quicken, and she glanced around the bar. There were so many beautiful women. None of which would turn him down. No one in their right mind would turn him down.
She didn't know why but her pulse was racing. Emma was so busy looking and worrying that she didn't see him get up until he was approaching her. She felt her heart drop fantastically, then swing back up and sink again. He was staring at her. Not one of the beautiful women. Her.
She tried to make her voice work. To laugh it off before it was too late. She tried to look away or run away but she couldn't move. He stopped beside her chair and paused, just staring at her with those beautiful blue eyes of his. He looked weak, scared almost. Her heart was flying out of her chest. He couldn't do this to her. Not now, not in front of everyone. Oh God.
He was leaning down to her, slowly. Giving her time to back out. But she felt frozen in place. She couldn't make him stop. And then his lips just barely brushed across hers, touching for a brief moment. The jolt it sent through her was almost painful. No, it was painful. She felt the fear finally reaching her eyes. Killian was still right there. She could taste his soft breath, coming in gentle warm waves. And everyone was staring. Everyone could see how helpless she was. She knew he was waiting. Waiting for her to do something. Do anything other than sit there full of fear.
She felt her eyes brush over her friends. Knave's jaw was slightly dropped, frozen. Alice and Tink both were smiling, wide and genuine. And frigging Ruby was smirking her face off. She'd known how Killian would respond. She'd known and she'd known how Emma would feel and she'd done it anyway. Because she could.
That was when the rage surged through her. The heat finally reached her cheeks and her eyes watered and she flew to her feet, pushing past Killian. He tried to grab her arm and make her stop but she pulled away from his gentle hands easily. The whole bar was blurring through her tear-filled eyes and she stumbled towards the door. Getting as far away as she could. Far enough that she didn't have to face him.
"Emma?" his voice was hoarse and frightened, "Love I know you're here…" he paused, taking a shallow and shaky breath, "I can hear you breathing."
She considered taking off running again but she didn't have it in her.
But she didn't want to face him.
"Go away, Killian," she called, folding against the nearest tree. Subconsciously trying to make herself invisible. Make him leave. Why wouldn't he leave? She heard his boots in the leaves, approaching her slowly. He hesitated when he was just behind her, then gently touched her shoulder. It made her heart pound, and she shrugged his hand away, leaning closer to the rough bark of the tree. Fighting not to cry again. She knew pushing him away would hurt him. And she didn't want to hurt him. But what else could she do?
"I'm sorry," he whispered after a moment. His voice was still broken, likely from calling after her. It made her heart ache. But she couldn't do it, she just couldn't. She remained silent, and the only noise was his gentle breathing and the wildlife waking up around them. "Emma, please don't ignore me," he breathed. So weak. She didn't move. "Bloody hell," he muttered, voice getting louder, "What have I even done?" she heard him shifting angrily, "Am I not permitted to appreciate your beauty?"
Emma felt the rage inside of her finally build to it's breaking point and snap.
"Dammit, Killian!" she cried, turning angrily on him. To his credit, he held his ground. Not many found such ease in standing up to the princess when she was in a rage. "Why the hell would you do that?"
His eyebrows shot up, framing his blue eyes that seemed on fire, "What, princess? Compliment your beauty? Or kiss you? You're being unclear," he spat, leaning nearer to her.
"How about all of the above?" she growled, reciprocating his challenge by taking a full threatening step towards him. This time he cringed backwards a bit before righting his pose of utter bravado.
"How did any of it possibly offend you, Swan?" he cried, throwing his hands in the air and glowering at her. "I know you're a sensitive lass, but-"
"Don't you dare!" she snapped, pushing him hard, both hands to his chest. "Don't you even dare!" He just managed to catch his balance in his backwards stumble, righting himself and looking down at her, hurt silence deep in his eyes. She expected him to come right back at her, with a fist maybe. Wanted him to. But he didn't. He just stood there and took it. Which only frustrated her more. "Why are you being so different!?" she finally accused angrily, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Different?" he cried with exasperation, "How do you figure that?"
She let out an angry breath and clenched her teeth. How could he not see it? How could he be so ridiculously blind?
"You shouldn't have kissed me," was all she muttered.
"Aye love, I'm getting that," he answered, glaring at her feet.
An awkward silence fell between them, and she knew she'd hurt his feelings. She knew that somehow she'd broken something precious. But, she conceded, he'd broken it first. His shoulders were hunched awkwardly. Protectively. He still refused to meet her eyes. Emma's heart clenched painfully.
"Emma," he finally breathed, almost sounding like a beg, "Emma, why are you so offended? It was only kiss." he finally met her eyes, and he looked so hurt. So lost. It only made Emma feel worse. But she still was angry and his words only made it worse. She was beginning to wonder if maybe after all these years he didn't really know her after all.
"That's just it," she tried to keep her voice steady, void of anger. When it cracked she felt tears coming to her eyes because it was just too much. She couldn't do this with him. With anyone. "That's just it Killian because how dare you say that," her voice was getting softer and shakier, and his eyes were glued to hers. Attentive, "How can you say it's 'only a kiss'?" she finished slowly, trying to swallow the lump rising in her throat. His brow furrowed.
"Love, I-" he began, but she didn't want to hear anymore. She couldn't. She knew what else there was to say and she didn't want him to even go there.
"Stop," she said, shaking her head. "Just… go."
Pain crept into his eyes, but he didn't move. "No," he answered slowly. Emma cursed under her breath and started to turn away from him, but he caught her shoulder in his hand. "Emma, no," he repeated, "I didn't mean-"
"Everyone knows about Milah, Killian," she snapped, turning back on him angrily. "Bae knows, his father knows, the whole damn town knows," she paused, trying to swallow what she knew was coming, but completely unable. She'd let her anger and hurt wallow for far too long. It wasn't recent. It'd been a good year now. And she finally was done just keeping it to herself. "Couldn't you have just let them be and let them enjoy the time they had left with her? For once in your life could you have thought about someone other than yourself!?"
She'd rendered him speechless. She'd finally done it. The pain in his eyes seemed to cloud his vision, but Emma slowly realized it wasn't pain, not directly. It was tears. They were rolling down his cheeks now. Slowly at first, but then with more force. More and more at once, cascading down his face. Emma was taken by surprise, and subconsciously took a step back. Away. And he didn't try to shorten the distance.
"I-" his voice broke off and suddenly he was sobbing. He tried to hide it but eventually gave up. Stood there awkwardly, shoulders shaking.
Emma wasn't sure what to do. She wanted to yell at him and she wanted him to hurt the way she did. But she didn't want to see her best friend cry. Her heart was aching and she wanted to hug him and tell him everything was okay. But it wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. Nothing. So she stood awkwardly by, watching him fall to pieces until she simply couldn't take it anymore.
"I…" she took a small and hesitant step towards him, then paused. She hated herself for giving in, but she reached to him, gently touching his shoulder. "Killian, I'm sorry."
He slowly shook his head, taking a deep breath and somehow swallowing his tears. The tears Emma somehow knew he would never let anyone but her see. It took him a moment, but he finally raised his head to look at her. The occasional tear still rolled down his cheek, but he was in control now.
"You aren't sorry," he said simply, voice hoarse. She started to protest but he interrupted. "You aren't, don't try to lie to me. And you shouldn't be." His eyes met hers, a loneliness she'd never seen shading them.
"I'm not sorry about what I said," she conceded slowly, carefully, "But I'm sorry it hurt you."
"Don't bother, Swan," he laughed dryly, brushing past her. Her hand fell back to her side and she bit her lip, turning to watch as he slowly lowered himself to the ground, leaning back against the tree she'd been clinging to. He tilted his head back until it hit the bark, eyes closed. Resigned. Emma stood watching. Debating whether or not she should leave. Wanting to leave but being unable to. Something was pulling her nearer to her friend. She couldn't leave him looking so broken.
Her feet led her closer to him, heart pounding, and she cautiously knelt beside him, then leaned back into the tree.
"Are you upset because I brought it up or because you thought I didn't know?" she couldn't help herself. The opposite of helpful, what her mother always accused her of when she raided the kitchens. That was what she always was.
"Bloody hell Swan," he muttered, "Not everything is about you." A strange pain jolted her heart and she felt her shoulders tighten. She fully expected him to go silent, to ignore her as she deserved. So she was shocked when he spoke again. "It was selfish," she could hear tears choking his voice again, "It was and I regret it but that's selfish, too."
She turned her head to face his, eyebrows furrowing slightly. He was already looking at her, and their noses were just a breath away. It reminded her of when they were children, running rampant through the castle halls all day only to fall asleep beside each other under a table or behind a curtain. How he always woke up before her and poked her until she woke up slapping at him. Or if he didn't wake up how her parents would find them and move them to a less conspicuous hiding spot. And how she'd always wake up looking into those blue eyes.
"I… I know it was wrong. She's my mate's mum, after all. But it didn't start as anything, Emma. I swear it didn't."
He wasn't lying. She could tell that much. And part of her was screaming for attention, reminding her they hadn't even known Bae when it began. But she didn't want to hear the voice because she didn't want him to have an excuse. He was wrong, and he needed to know it.
The tears were dripping down his face again and it made Emma want to leave all over again. She didn't want to be a part of his breakdown and she didn't want to be the one that he finally told everything to. But in the same way she knew he needed her and she wanted him to need her. She knew it was selfish and she knew that she should do it because it was Killian. It was her Killian and her best friend and friends do things for each other that make them uncomfortable because that's what they're there for. But she could hardly stomach it.
"You know how his father is, Emma," he defended gently, "She… she was lonely and I don't know how it happened but…" his voice broke off and there was that fear again. "I fell for her, Emma." he finally breathed, so quietly she almost thought she was hearing things. She wanted to be hearing things.
"And still you kissed me," she finally managed, trying to laugh. But it wouldn't come out, and instead she just blew air from her nose and smiled sadly.
"She's dead," he snapped, "She's gone." He turned away from her angrily. She knew she shouldn't have circled it back to her. She should have just listened. But she also was, of course, the opposite of helpful.
"Well you're clearly still in love with her," Emma managed. But she couldn't look away from him. His jawbone was set hard, the way it alway was when she made him angry. But today was different.
His confession she assumed was supposed to make her feel better. Or at least explain things to her. It had only made things worse and she felt so empty. Like something had been snatched from deep inside of her. Like not only had he ruined their friendship by kissing her, but taken himself back entirely while he was at it. Now he was shaking his head. Slowly, then with more conviction.
"Don't you ever wonder why I'd ever end up there in the first place, love?" his voice was gentler and raw and frightened. He slowly turned back towards her.
She had a snarky and defensive answer on her tongue but the regret in his eyes made her swallow it hard. She hesitated. She didn't want him to hurt anymore, and she couldn't hurt him anymore.
"It's…" she paused, "It's none of my business," her eyes flickered away from his. Looking anywhere but at him. Which was hard. He let out a slow breath of air.
She was scared of what would come out of his mouth if she'd only just listen.
"I apologize," he said under his breath instead. Like it was painful. But then his tone shifted, more genuine. "Emma, I apologize for everything. For Milah, for kissing you. Please. I don't want to lose you."
She finally allowed her eyes to peer back into his, and she couldn't take that fear anymore. She felt tears coming on so instead of answering she curled against his shoulder, burying her face into the worn material of his shirt. He'd left his jacket at the bar, but she liked it better that way. So she could smell him rather than fish and the seas. And he did smell like the sea. But he also smelt like the sweet hay from his mattress and like the rum he'd started drinking so regularly and like her lavender soap that after spending his whole life with her had rubbed permanently into all of his clothing. He wrapped his arm tightly around her burying his lips into her hair. She could still taste him on her own lips and she'd never tell him but she liked it. She liked it so much more than she knew she should.
She dragged her legs to her chest, hugging them to her and leaning against Killian, staring at his feet and then closing her eyes. She didn't want to lose him either.
"Don't ever kiss me again," she warned quietly, despite how it made her heart pound angrily in her chest. If that's what it took not to lose him, she would make herself be okay with it.
"As you wish." he answered into her hair. Her heart pounded in her chest.
"And Kil… I… I'm sorry about Milah." she added. She felt him tense at first, but then he let out a deep breath. It wasn't lost on Emma that she was likely the first and the last person he'd hear it from.