Disclaimer: I don't own Kripke's toys, I just play with them. I promise not to break 'em.
A/N: This is a bit of a milestone for me, as it's the first Supernatural fic I've ever posted anywhere. Also, everyone should listen to the song that inspired this (Imogen Heap's Wait It Out) because it's practically Dean and Cas' theme song.
Dean's never really believed his heart could break, mostly because the heart is an organ and Dean is not a fan of metaphor. Yet, he's felt this pain in his chest over the last few years, the last few weeks especially, that sort of implies maybe it can be broken, be so shattered that repair seems impossible. He's lost Lisa and Ben, and now he is staring into the face of someone unrecognisable.
The cool blue eyes and the mussed hair, the unshaven jaw and the trench coat... it's all comfortably familiar, but it's like it's on the wrong body, like it's an impostor standing there in Cas' place. Dean knows he's been wrong, knows they've all been very, very wrong, and he's sure it's way past fixing. But this ultimatum that Cas has delivered... Dean can't help but think that if Cas wanted his love, it was always right there for the taking.
There were those moments with Lisa and Ben, back in his makeshift life, where he honestly loved her, thought he could be a father to Ben. But then there was his beloved baby in the garage, the always handy holy water and weapons arsenal and he knew the only life he could ever lead was one where he hunted with Sam and Bobby and Cas. For all the pain it had caused him, it was his life. Zachariah had shown him that. And maybe Dean thought that Destiny could go fuck itself, but he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he couldn't just walk away.
It might've been the blue eyes in the end, Dean thinks, the eyes and the hair and the stupid coat that made him sweat around Cas. And now the same eyes are cold and horrifically unfeeling, and all they do is make Dean's heart slam against his ribcage like it'll beat right out, all they do is make him feel sick. Sick with realisation and self-hatred and anger at God. Not Castiel, God God. The one that supposedly planned this life for him. The unjust, bullshit God that killed his parents and made his life a wreck, the one that sent him a beautiful, blissfully ignorant angel. The one that put all the pieces of his and Sam's life into the puzzle, the one that makes Dean's head pound with all the fucking hurt and confusion.
Dean knows he's been stubborn; he feels like a child clamouring for approval, like he should have patiently but desperately explained to Cas how upsetting it was to see him working with Crowley (been there, done that). Dean's instincts were split the instant he met Cas: first, he should kick ass and take names and second, he should unconditionally trust Castiel. It had always (but at the same time, never) occurred to him that Cas didn't need his protection or worry. Dean taught him things about free will, but he could always take care of himself. Maybe that's where he went wrong this time. He should have trusted that Castiel would be able to take care of himself and that because of everything Dean and Sam had taught him, he would make the right decisions at the end of the day.
This, though, feels like entirely the wrong decision. Dean wants to step forward and lay a hand on Castiel's shoulder, but the coldness of his tone and the current icy climate in the room suggest it would be unwelcome. Dean knows he's going to have to wait it out, because in the end, this has nothing to do with the world, or the averted apocalypse, or Sam, or Bobby, or anyone else; no, this has to do with how Dean loves Castiel. How Dean loves him as a friend, as family, as the only person? angel? thing? that can make both his head ache and his heart swell in the same moment.
As he looks at Cas, as Cas stares back unblinking, more beast than beauty, all Dean can think about is how he never signed up for this. He gnaws on his lip and remembers all the moments when Castiel's naïevety had made him laugh. Even as he stares at him, the memories ebb away, and there's just this Cas, the one that had only moments ago threatened to destroy him. Dean's not sure which one of them feels more betrayed.