Disclaimer: I don't own Law & Order SVU. Spoilers for the season 1 episode "Slaves"
Shrink
He hated shrinks. They got under his skin like ants. They crawled inside your head and burrowed until they found the root of all your problems, wanting answers to questions that meant nothing and everything. He hated shrinks because they always said the same thing about him. Lonely, cynical, paranoid, pained, morbid, sarcastic. But they only saw what he allowed them to see. They never saw what he guarded with his armor, his humor, his sarcasm and wit. All they saw was someone broken by life and heartache. But that's what he wanted them to see.
If they only saw what he wanted them to see, then they would never know how much he cared, how deeply he loved, or how hard he tried everyday, not because it was his job, but because of his passion for finding the truth and his desire to be the hero for anyone who needed saving.
He hated shrinks. Audrey Jackson was not the first he'd had to deal with. She asked about his sex life. He made a joke. She asked about dysfunction. He made a joke. He offered her his sexual history along with another joke. She looked annoyed. He was good at that, annoying people, especially shrinks. So she told him what they all said, but she was good, better than the rest, with a special insight into the mind of a cop, or at least one very cynical and sarcastic man in black. She hit closer to home than anyone else.
"You've been married multiple times. Each wife was beautiful, spoiled and not one of them matched you intellectually." He nodded in agreement, a slight smile playing at his lips. "You distrust women, any form of government, and you could smell a conspiracy at a give year olds lemonade stand." The smile got a little bigger.
"Anything else?" He probably should have left it at that, but he could never resist a challenge. He wondered of Audrey Jackson could see his armor sliding into place.
"You've given up on relationships, but you still believe in true love." He felt like someone sucker punched him the stomach. She was good, better than the rest. He felt his smile start to slip a little. "And the pain of never having found it is…unbearable." He felt like someone had stabbed him the chest.
"Anything else?" He managed to choke out almost normally, every trace of humor gone.
"No."
"Good. And you're wrong. I have found it. I'm just waiting for her to realize it."
"Why wait? Why not just tell her and get it over with?"
"She's not ready yet. And believe it or not, I have serious intimacy issues. I'm critical, negative, have occasional bouts of, lets see, melancholy. She deserves so much better than what I can give her. In short, I'm not good enough for her, but on the off chance that she actually decides to return my feelings at some point, it will be because she doesn't care about all of the aforementioned things. I'm a lousy date, but a good cop, which is what we're supposed to be talking about in the first place. So. That covers everything?"
"Can I ask you something else?"
"If you must."
"Is she anything like you ex-wives?"
"No, she's a brunette."
"I'm serious, John."
"So an I. She's a very intelligent, as intelligent as me anyway, beautiful, and brunette. Therefore she's nothing like my ex-wives."
"Very well detective. We're done."
He hated shrinks. Audrey Jackson had been upgraded herself to the worst. She made him want to eat his gun. She hit too close and he admitted too much. He hated shrinks. The rest of the squad was the same. All of them had come out with that haunted look on their faces, as if they'd been pulled through a wringer and then beaten with a puppy. It was a horror to see and experience. He felt a little shredded like he was jumping at everything. Weren't shrinks supposed to make you feel better? He hated them. He only hoped that he hadn't revealed too much.
It was four years to the day that Audrey Jackson received the card. The return address was to John Munch. She stood out to her. His personality had been memorable, and she remembered the interview with him very well. She had worked hard not to laugh at his jokes. Despite his deflections, he was quite funny. She hated to have to say the things she did, but he accepted them with a sigh of resignation and only one objection. She opened the card. It was a wedding invitation for him and Olivia Benson. A small note was attached to it, addressed to her.
Audrey,
I told you she was intelligent, beautiful, and a brunette. I also said she wasn't ready. It only took 3 years to get here, but I'm a patient man. I waited this long for my true love. If you need to alter any psychological assessments of me, please do so now, before the wedding. I don't want to be "shrunk" at the ceremony or the reception.
John Munch
She smiled to herself. Perhaps she had been wrong about him giving up on relationships. He'd simply begun to be choosy and wait for the right one to come along, and he seemed to have chosen extremely well.