WEDDING FROM HELL
By AussieHottieMjM

DISCLAIMER
I unfortunately do not own Profiler or any of the characters. I am merely a shameless fangirl who is distraught by the abrupt end of the show, and must naturally continue it through fic. ;)

RATING
This fic is rated K+ for the use of mild language.

SYNOPSIS
Rachel and John experience the Wedding from Hell.

SETTING
The story takes place sometime way after the series ended. Quite honestly, it doesn't really matter when.

AUTHOR'S NOTE
This story was written in response to the June fan fiction challenge to write about the wedding from hell.

x x x

Four years ago I never would've pictured myself even in a remotely serious relationship. Even after Kate, I was still hesitant at getting involved in anything exclusive. Then there was Rachel. The next thing I know I'm down on one knee, ring in hand, in front of the entire VCTF and their families at the Christmas Party, which I never have believed is like me at all. And furthermore, six months later here I am about to commit with the words "I do."

On this beautiful Friday, I can't help but be poetic in every aspect. It's still four hours until I get married and I feel so incredibly happy. I can't even begin to describe the joy welling up from even the darkest depths of me. I'm not even pissed that we ended up making Rachel's brother Mike marry us instead of a minister. Who'd have thought it would have been so hard getting an ordained anyone to marry us on this thirteenth of June?

I'm almost ready, dispite the untied bow hanging loosely around my neck and the jacket draped over the back of my chair. George and Bailey, with his cigar, are trying to give me a hard time while Nathan's talking to himself in another mirror - no doubt putting the finishing touches on his speech as Best Man. The only reason I've resisted from strangling all three is because of the joy I feel. Okay, I admit, it's also because Rachel's father is in the short dressing room as well.

"Alright, guys," Nathan says, trying to gather all of our attention. "This is John's big day, and you only get married once-"

"Not with the rate of divorce these days," Bailey jokes, a victim of his own words.

I feel a little of that joy slip. "Thanks for the confidence boost, Bail."

"Relax, John," Bailey reassures. "Rachel would never let herself quit at anything!"

Nathan rolls his eyes and continues, "I've known John for a long time, longer than anyone here. And if there's one thing I know, it's that he likes women."

Even I can't help but laugh. "I hope this isn't the speech you're giving at the reception," I say. Bailey guffaws at this, and it seems all of us are laughing - except Rachel's father, of course. I never did develop a solid relationship with him.

Nathan forfiets, "Just try not to screw this up-"

"John Michael Grant!"

I swallow hard at the screeching feminine voice. "You jinxed it!" I can't help but point a finger at Nathan as Rachel demands my presence once more. "Coming!" I announce, and proceed to do so.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" I ask as I walk brisquely to my future bride, the men following. As I get closer I slow down, unable to continue. Rachel looks gorgeous in her gown, so gorgeous it renders me speechless. "Rachel, you look-" I pause as my eyes fall on the over-the-phone custom-ordered wedding signature book which reads, "The Wedding of Rebecca Burke and John Grant."

"Oof," Bailey says as he cocks his head. "Who was in charge of getting that done?"

A hard lump forms in my throat. "John," Rachel huffs accusingly. I open my mouth to speak, but for once in my life I have nothing to say.

Sam and Grace are behind Rachel trying very hard to conceal their laughter while Nathan's hand squeezes my shoulder supportingly. Rachel, however, was giving me a hard stare. Thank God hr mother was off dealing with the wedding planner, or else I'd be crucified.

"Rachel, I swear I got your name right!"

"Oh, really," she says, clearly aggitated.

I pull her against me and place a light kiss on her lips. "I love you, Rach."

Rachel's firm glare softens a great deal, and her lips form themselves into a pout. "You cheated," she accuses light-heartedly. I smile and kiss her more deeply this time.

"Don't worry," I assure her. "We can have everyone sign this book. Then I'll get the pages removed and re-binded into a new cover with all the correct names, punctuation, and capitalization." I can't help but kiss her forehead. "This will be the perfect wedding."

x x x

"You had to jinx it," Rachel blames as she disconnects a call from her mother. The food for the reception had been ruined. "Because of that damn dog you got!"

"Oh, wait a minute! We got Max when we moved in together. Don't you pawn this off on me!" I can't help but rebuke.

"You were the one who wanted a rottweiler! You couldn't settle with a lassa apsa — or hell, I'd have settled for a golden retriever!"

"I'm sure the food will survive," I try.

"The beast broke into the fridge and ate all the salmon. But hey! I guess he really does take after you, because he didn't eat the raw vegetables - he only slobbered on them."

"Everything is going to be okay, Rachel," Sam intervenes. She and Bailey had been taking a stroll around the chapel. "I'll run to the store and buy ten baked chickens." Rachel sighs dissappointedly. "I know it's not salmon, but it's better than fifty starving people from Buffalo and a bunch of malnourished federal agents."

"Thanks, Sam," Rachel says. "It means so much to me." Sam squeezes Rachel's shoulder in return before heading to the store. "And you, Mister Grant," she says as her fingers fiddle with my collar, "I'm sorry for putting the blame on you."

"Mmm. Kiss me and I'll accept your apology," I respond with a mischievious grin. She smiles in the same way before planting a soft kiss on my lips. "If you think that exonerates you, you've got another thing coming," I whisper as I bring her tightly against me.

She squeals in delight before tasting me. I was almost positive the wedding night would come early until, "I'm still here."

Rachel and I reluctantly break away from each other as Rachel says, "Bailey."

"Well, I guess Bailey and I better finish getting ready," I say somewhat dissappointedly as Bailey starts to pull me in the opposite direction of the women's dressing room.

"Whoa, Bailey, what's the rush?" Not only am I getting winded, but the grip he has on my arm is beginning to hurt.

"I've got to get you to back to our dressing room. Who know's how long it'll take to wipe all that lipstick off your face."

x x x

I'm getting married! I'm getting married! I'm getting married! I am standing at the alter and - whoa, I'm standing, right? Yes, yes. Standing. Strangely, I feel like I'm flying, but my feet are in fact touching the floor. Okay, breathe. Be calm. Just be calm. Count. One, two, three, four, fi...

I feel like I'm back in kindergarten. My heart catches in my throat as Rachel appears in the doorway, stunningly beautiful. Her hair is done, now, and her lipstick has been re-applied. God, I can't even think of words to describe her. (So much for today's poetic heart.) Her smile. God, that smile! I actually think I'm about to cry! I'm so nervous that I'm sopping wet with sweat!

No, that's just the fire sprinklers. Fire sprinklers? "As if anything else could go wrong!"

I am rushing toward Rachel who, after today's events, will have lost ten years of her life. The whole chapel is in a panic as everyone heads towards every exit, some even creating new ones, as we hury to get out alive. Rachel clings to my hand painfully as everyone herds to a flagpole across the parking lot. The fire department, which is right down the street, is searching the church already, looking for the source. There seems to be no fire to me, but I shrug that off since Rachel is drenched in water. Thank you, God!

My fantasy ends quickly as I realize she is crying. I quickly wrap my arms around her, attempting to soothe her. "Rach?" I ask softly. I kiss her lightly on her forehead and gently squeeze her frame against mine in a loving embrace.

"Today was supposed to be perfect!" she says, sniffing quietly.

"It's going to be okay, Rach. We will get married today. No matter what. I mean, there doesn't seem to be a fire in the chapel. The firemen will probably deem it safe for the next hour it'll take us to finish."

"How do you know?"

"Well, what do you think?"

"Why don't you ask Rebecca?" she asks. I know she's playing. She's always been able to bite back a smile, but her eyes always give her away. Thirty minutes pass before the firefighters begin to emerge from the building.

"Excuse me," says one of the firefighters. "Can anyone here tell me who's in charge?"

"I am," I speak up.

"Good afternoon, Mister...-"

"Call me John."

"John, I'm Rebecca," says the firefighter as she removes her masked helmet.

I cannot resist the look I give to a presently giggling Rachel Burke. Okay, I'll ask Rebecca. "What happened?"

"Well, it's nothing to worry about. The only thing ruined is a trash can. There was a very small fire in the men's dressing room. It was in all likelihood started by this cigar butt. Seems the man didn't put it out all the way." I cast a threatening look at an embarassed Bailey Malone. "Your ceremony can continue now. Sorry for the mess."

"Oh no, we're sorry. Thanks for cleaning it up for us." I strain to smile. Rebecca nods, and the firemen are already prepared to go.

"Now," Bailey says, "how about that wedding?"

"Right," Rachel says. "But not before I kill you, Malone!"

x x x

"Do you, John, take Rachel to be your wife - to love her, to honor her, and to keep her in your heart forever? "

"I do."

"Rachel, do you take John to be your husband? To love him, to honor him, and to keep him in your heart forever?"

"I do," Rachel says. I can hardly wait to kiss her!

"What tokens of your love have you brought for each other?"

"These rings," Rachel and I answer in unison.

"May these rings be blessed as a symbol of your unity. Your two lives are joined today in an unbroken circle. Wherever you go, may you always return to one another in your togetherness. May you know in one another the love for which all people yearn. May you grow in understanding and compassion. May these rings symbolize the touch of the spirit that is love.

"John, place the ring on Rachel's left hand, and repeat after me: Rachel, I give you this ring as a pledge of my love, and a symbol of our unity."

"Rachel," I begin. It's evident to everyone how nervous I am, and my smile - it's lopsided. "I give you this ring as a pledge of my love, and a symbol of our unity."

Mike continued, "Rachel, place the ring on John's left hand, and repeat after me: John, I give you this ring as a pledge of my love, and a symbol of our unity."

"John," she says slowly. She's nervous as well. "I give you this ring as a pledge of my love, and a symbol of our unity."

"In The Prophet it is written, 'You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.'

"It is said that home is any four walls that contain the face you love. May you always be home for each other. And may you enjoy laughter, long life, and endless happiness.

"You have promised together before your friends and family to love each other and join your lives. You are now united both in love, and in marriage. I now pronounce you husband and wife together. John, you may now kiss your bride."

"Finally," I say, a bit louder than intended, before I gather Rachel in my arms and kiss her, sealing my heart and soul within her.

"I have both the pleasure and the honor of presenting Mr. and Mrs. John Michael Grant — John and Rachel!" Mike exclaimed. "Congratulations! Let the celebration begin!"