Jal gazed at her distraught reflection in a cloudy, smudged mirror. Small beads of sweat were surfacing through the pores on her nose. Her hands were clenching on to the marble vanity for support; she felt as if she let go, she would lose all of her rationale and sink into the floor with despair. Her heart was knocking at her rib cage and it echoed off the walls of the bathroom wall. As she stared into the piece of reflective glass, it was almost as if she could see all of her brain's processes; an invisible balance was weighing the different decisions she could make and the possible outcomes that would arise from the one she chose. She looked back down at the white object in front of her, a small piece of plastic about the size of a marker. The object that seemed so harmless and miniscule had just brought her the most life changing news a young woman could receive. A screen in the middle of object read in capitalized, emboldened letters, "Pregnant". As the word burned into her conscience, she softly whispered the word to herself in hope that it would help her accept the truth, but it only made things worse. In exasperation, she flung the pregnancy test into the trash which resided right next to the sink, only to be reunited with the multiple ones she had taken over the last couple days. Jal had lost track as to how many tests she had taken but she knew the results of all of them: positive. Jal slowly sat on to the toilet and placed her hands over her face. She thought back to high school; Jal would throw a look of disdain in the direction of girls waddling down the hallway with bulging bellies. She would think to herself, "These girls are dumb, it's the 21st century. Everyone knows how babies are made. Just use a condom". Jal closed her eyes and all of the faces of the girls she had judged appeared, and in the middle of those faces, was hers. Guilt instantly flooded her when she realized, that those girls had made the same irrational mistake that she had made that night about a two months ago.
She remembered the hormone fueled lust that had overcome her and Chris. Walking home through Castle Park from a party in a drunken stupor, the couple had frolicked home in a state of debauchery. She could vividly recall the soggy squishing sound of their feet in the rain-soaked grass. Tickling and playfully shoving each other, they whispered sweet nothings in each other's ears while their hands were locked in an eternal embrace. Jal remembered the brightness of the moon that shined down at both of their faces; its rays were reflected off Chris' eyes as they looked at each other with affection and intense passion. The desire was only further intensified each block they traversed. Once they reached Chris' flat in Central Bristol, the caution that Jal had so culpably held on to was forfeited at the door. Jal desperately wished she had held on to her rationale that night so that she could be spared from this immense dilemma. After a few deep breaths, Jal realized she could not continue practicing wishful thinking; she needed to think logically in order to make the best decision. Jal closed her eyes and imagined the future she had clung to for so many years. She remembered the agonizing hours of clarinet practice that forced her fingers into a temporary state of arthritis; the long nights in which she sacrificed parties for calculus calculations, Shakespeare, and history essays. All of this effort had been geared towards her dreams of going to the Royal Academy of Music: the oldest, most prestigious music school in the nation. She pictured herself amongst other musical scholars playing the great classics of Bach, Mozart and Handel. She would finally be around young adults who recognized that there was more to the world than fulfilling desire and intoxicating chemicals. Despite the alluring dream of university, Jal began to imagine a different life. A life that involved responsibility: raising a family. What would their child look like? She imagined a girl, one with wild hair and excitement in her eyes. The brains of her mother and the care free attitude of her father. She would speak eloquently like Jal but with the wit and humor of Chris. Jal placed the imagined family in different scenarios; a sunny day at the park, a trip to the zoo or even just the family sitting down to dinner discussing their day. She imagined their daughter telling them extravagant stories or shrieking at the playful actions of Chris. Surprisingly, the thought of having a family seemed warm and inviting. Although it would not be what she had intentionally strived for, she thought that it could be doable, and not only that, but fulfilling. She could seek comfort and acceptance through a family of her own instead of strangers who coincidentally shared the same interests as hers. Perhaps, her child could learn to adore music to the extent that she did and they could spend hours listening discussing pieces. And despite Chris' teenage antics, Jal loved him. Chris was everything a girl could ask for. Under his nonchalant, bad boy persona, Chris was funny, charming, honest and caring. When she spoke, he listened; when she cried, he comforted; when she laughed, he laughed harder. Chris filled the empty void in Jal's life, one which had been left gaping open in the physical absence of her mother and the emotional detachment of her father.
After considering her options, Jal had calmed down. The incessant beating of her heart had slowed and the anxious perspiration had evaporated. Jal stood up from the toilet and opened the bathroom door. She was greeted by the silence of her empty house, the only sound that penetrated the stillness was that of the grandfather clock at the end of the hallway. She made her way down the corridor to her bedroom. Once inside, she quietly shut the door and walked to her bed. Lying on the bed was her phone, which was lit up from notifications. When she checked the phone she saw that she had text messages and missed phone calls all from Chris. Even though the messages were written and not spoken, Jal could detect the sense of urgency Chris had written the messages in. The most recent read, "Jal please, talk to me. Are you okay? What's wrong?" Over the past couple of days, Jal had been ignoring and avoiding Chris. She didn't blame him for the pregnancy, but she needed space in order to reflect upon the situation she was in. She knew she needed to tell Chris, but could not find the courage to tell him. Although she knew he wouldn't, Jal couldn't help but be frightened by the thought of Chris abandoning her. What if she told him and he immediately vanished, leaving her alone, broken and pregnant? Jal sat on the bed and looked at her phone. She had no idea how to approach telling Chris. Intuitively, she knew she should just tell him instead of dancing around the subject but she could not muster up the courage to do so. She picked up her phone and began to look through the stored contacts, none of the people she could think to call would be able to understand her situation or help her in making a decision. Then she saw the name Michelle, one of Jal's best friends. Although Michelle had been consumed with infatuation over her boyfriend all throughout high school, she had never faltered to provide advice or comfort her in a tough situation. Michelle would listen, think through her decisions with her and be there in the end to hold her and assure her things would be alright. Jal touched the screen of her phone and it immediately began to dial her friend's number. She clutched the phone to her ear and prayed to God that Michelle would answer. She needed her friend, more than she ever had. The dial tone echoed in Jal's ear, and with each successive ring, Jal lost hope that Michelle would answer. As soon as Jal was about to end the call, Michelle answered. "Hey Jal! What's up? I told you, you should have come to the party. Everyone's here, it's probably the best one all…" Michelle was screaming over the background noise of her environment but Jal cut her short.
"Michelle, I really need to talk to you its serious," Jal hurried the words past her lips. She conveyed the seriousness of her situation as well as she could in order for it to be registered over the phone.
"Damn Jal. Okay, let me go outside," Michelle then began to make her way from the party in order to hear Jal. Jal could hear Michelle laughing and chatting with the other members of the party. As she waited for Michelle, she constructed what she was going to say in her mind. Finally, Michelle reached a quiet place.
"Alright, what is it you need to tell me. This better be important because this party is…"
"I'm pregnant," Jal blurted it out. Her planned speech had spontaneously combusted leaving Jal with no other option. There was a long pause. She could hear Michelle's breathing and could only envision the shock that had taken over Michelle's face.
Michelle chuckled with nervousness, "C'mon Jal, don't play like this. This isn't funny."
Jal began to feel her face get hot and her heart start to pound again. "This isn't a fucking joke! I'm serious, Michelle. Do you honestly think I would joke about something like this? I'm fucking pregnant. And I just, I don't know what to do…" Jal immediately began to sob. She hung her head in shame and she felt her whole body shudder from the convulsive bawling. The wall she had built to protect herself from the truth shattered and all of the fear from not knowing what to do cascaded from her nervous being over the phone into her friend's ear. Michelle continued to stay silent. "Please say something," Jal begged.
"Shit Jal, how did this happen?" Michelle said quietly. She nervously laughed, "Remember when we stole all those condoms from the school nurse. We did that for a reason," Michelle was trying to lighten then sullen mood that had been consuming Jal and now loomed over her head.
"How do you think it happened? It just did" Jal smugly remarked. She exhaled deeply trying to get her emotions under control. There was a pause again.
"Have you told Chris?" Michelle asked.
"No, only you," Jal whispered. She began to feel the tears well up in her eyes again. Although she had broken down, it felt good to let someone else know about the pregnancy. Michelle continued to stay silent and Jal did as well. The two friends listened to each other's' breathing, both contemplating thedecision Jal needed to make. Jal began to explain to her everything she had been thinking herself: her dreams for university that she had worked so hard for and the uncertainty of having a family with Chris at such a young, unprepared age. Michelle intently listened to her friend's thought processes, weighing the decisions herself. Then Michelle asked a question that completely shocked and garnered a new perspective for Jal.
"Have you thought about an abortion, or an adoption?" Michelle inquired. Jal paused. Surprisingly, the thought had never surfaced her mind. Jal had always advocated for a woman's choice when it came to an unwanted pregnancy, but ironically, an abortion had never occurred to her as an option in her case. It seemed simple; she could hold on to her dreams and keep Chris in ignorance, all the while avoiding bringing a baby into the world and assuming responsibility. But Jal immediately felt a pain in her heart. She placed her hand on her lower stomach and stopped breathing. Jal couldn't determine if what she felt was actually real, but it almost seemed as if she could feel a heartbeat in her uterus. A baby, hers and Chris' baby. She began to reimagine the family scenes she had painted earlier in the night and they brought back that warm feeling she had experienced . Despite its accidental conception, Jal could not help but to feel a maternal sense of duty and affection. One that she could not simply abort or pass over to a stranger. It occurred to Jal that maybe she wanted to have the baby. Maybe she wanted a family. Maybe she wanted to try and make things work with Chris.
"Yes, and I can't do either," Jal begin to explain.
"But why? You just said so yourself, this is not what you wanted," Jal could hear the confusion in Michelle's voice.
"I just can't." Jal stated with conviction.
"Well then I think you know your answer Jal." Michelle stated matter-of-factly.
Jal immediately hung up the phone. The blueish glare of the phone illuminated Jal's determined face as she scrolled through her contacts once again. She stopped once she reached Chris' name. After a few seconds of a deliberating pause, Jal pressed the dial button. Almost immediately Chris answered with a panicked tone, "Jal, what's wrong? Why haven't you been talking to me?"
Jal took a deep breath, "I have something I need to tell you," Jal began.