Author: isthatacorner
Title: Give Me Back MY Underpants!
Summary: Lily Evans. Smart, sweet, perfect. Until someone steals something from her. Then, someone is going to pay. a oneshot
Disclaimer: If MWPP and LE were mine, then I would own the HP-verse except there would probably be no HP as we know it, seeing as I tend to drift back to romance. So. Seeing as HP is HP as we know it, it's a fairly safe bet that I am not the owner. Besides, look at this, if JK wrote like me, she'd be unpublished and none of us would have any HP so lets all be grateful.
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Give Me Back MY Underpants!
At precisely 8:07 A.M Thursday morning every student in the Gryffindor common room looked up. Eyes belonging to the dozen-or-so who had been drowsily making their way towards breakfast, or feverishly finishing almost late assignments now stared fixatedly at the ceiling. The unspoken pondering was whether or not a certain area of a room could randomly obtain a poltergeist. Or a banshee, the thought was rectified as a blur of red and white was seen from just over the banister.
"Milton Henderson you are dead! You are so dead that you don't even know you're dead!" Lily Evans - not a banshee - was the cause of the unnaturally loud sound.
"What I do? Hey, I didn't do nothin'!" A boy, obviously the unlucky Milton Henderson, sputtered in protest, quickly standing as the girl morphed once again into a bright blur of rage as shecharged towardsher prey.
"You disgusting little perve! You rotten, mealy-wormed, tit mouse! I'm going to eat your liver!" She stomped over to where the boy was cowering, one had pressed to his abdomen. He wasnot quite sure werehis liver was.
"C'mon Lily! I didn't do it, I swear I didn't. I'm sorry, ok?"
"You didn't do it? You didn't do it?" Sheglared at the trembling boy on the floor in front of her. "If you didn't do it, why are you apologizing? Huh? HUH?" She reached for her wand, ready to do away with the boy.
"What I do? What I do?" He moaned as his eyes darted around clearly looking for an escape.
"Where are my under things you disgusting, perverted, pig!"
"I didn't take your underwear, Lily! I swear I didn't! How was I supposed to get up into the girls dorm anyway to get at them? Boys aren't allowed up there, right?" His light brown hair had taken on a life of its own and was now shaking more forcefully than a leaf in a storm, and completely independent of him. "I didn't do it, Lily. I swear I didn't!"
"Then where are they?" She screeched, bending over and shoving her face menacingly into his. "I may not have my wand with me, but I can still make you bleed like a stuck pig, Milton Henderson. If you didn't take my under things then who did?"
"I didn't do it, Lily, I swear I didn't! Maybe you moved them and didn't remember. . .?" He trailed off at the look of incredulity she was sending him. Her eyes were clearly shouting, as loud as they possibly could 'I am the smartest witch in all of year four and I forgot where I put my under things? Yeah. No wonder you're dead last. Loser.'
"Why would I move my under things?" Her voice was deadly. Milton pushed himself further back from the enraged girl.
"I didn't do it, Lily." He was whimpering now. There was absolutely no escape and it didn't look like any of the other students were going to be helping him. They all seemed much to entertained to raise so much as a wand, or go send off for Professor McGonagall their head of house to save him.
"Then who did, Milton Henderson? You are the only person I know who is sick and disgusting enough to go and steal my underwear!"
"Lily," Josephine Bell, a prefect, approached the shrieking girl slowly, "Maybe Milton didn't steal your underwear. Maybe you should calm down a bit, honey." The girls temper was literally the thing of legends. In fifty years future Hogwarts students would be talking about the insane witch from Gryffindor who one day killed off her entire class because they interrupted her when she was trying to. . . do something, maybe. A person never really knew what was going to set Lily off. But you always knew when you did. She was like the question that people always asked about colicky babies: how can something so small and cute be so loud and grumpy?
"All I know is after I got out of the shower this morning I went to get my clothes and get dressed and ever single pair of my bras and panties were gone. GONE! Even the pair I had JUST TAKEN OFF!" Her green eyes zeroed in on Milton who had wisely tried to use the distraction of Josephine to escape. Unfortunately he did not move quickly and he was not subtle. "You gormless piece of half-chewed owl food! You stop moving this second!" She lowered herself into a half crouch, preparing to pounce into the air and hopefully land on Milton's back wereshe would then beat his head repeatedly against the cold, hard, stone floor.
She had just sprung into the air when a pair of strong arms grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into them. "Lily." A low voice murmured into her ear. "I know you aren't modest about some thing's, honey, but right now you are displaying some stuff that I'm pretty sure you don't want all of Gryffindor to see." Her best friend, Jonathan Newton, lowered her to the ground when he was sure she had cottoned on to his meaning. Her face immediately blended in to her hair as she blushed. She was standing in the middle of the common room in just her robe. Just her robe and nothing else. And she was jumping and running and screaming and attacking in just her robe. Just her robe and nothing else. And her robe was a thick poly-cotton monster that she had had since first year that now had patches so worn in the rear you could see through itand other spots were now just holes and she had nothing on beneath the robe.
"Oh. Dear. Merlin." She breathed roughly between her teeth. Shequicklyattempted to back away from the center of the room where she had previously had Milton cornered between a couch and the floor. Unfortunately, in her haste she had completely forgotten about Jonathan behind her. As the two fell she somehow - and someone please explain to her how - did some sort of somersault on the way to the ground. She flew completely over Jonathan to wind up lying face down, spread eagle half on-half off the area rug in the center of the room with her robe hiked up around her waist. Other than the snicker of 'fire-crotch', the room was completely silent.
With as much dignity as she could muster Lily rose to her feet, smoothing her tattered robe around her and adjusting the tie around sash, she turned and started walking towards the stairs.
"Wow Lily. After that little display, I totally understand why my boyfriend left me for you. You're such an . . . exhibitionist." The snotty voice belonged to Vivica Franklin. Blond. Tall. Silver eyes. Fifth year.
"Not now, Vivica. I'm all ready having an awful day." Lily continued walking, attempting to ignore the girl. However, it seemed Lily's day was destined to get worse before it got better. If it got better.
"No, Lily I really want to talk about this. I mean. You stole my boyfriend. The least you could do is give me, a fellow girl, a fellow Gryffindor a bit of courtesy and respect and talk to me calmly and maturely about the situation." Her eyes seemed to gleam as she approached the steps where Lily had stopped. The students who had been there from the beginning quickly filled late-risers to the drama unfolding before them. The faint scent of popcorn had Lily looking around, when she spotted the four students who called themselves the Marauders shaking tins over the fire, and heard early kernels begin to pop, she knew her day was getting no better no time soon. One of the four began selling cups of corn with the other three, collecting money, taking orders, and passing around cups.
"First of all, Vivica." Lily began. "Let me give you a little before class lesson. A person can steal books. A person can steal shoes, jewelry , food, all manner of things. A person cannot steal another person. If a person should steal another person that is called kidnapping, or abduction. If Tommy left you, its because he no longer wanted to be with you. I had nothing to do with the situation." She mimicked the other girls pseudo-calm tone. "Maybe he upgraded to a better girl."
Vivica's eyes began flashing some sort of code for danger as she approached Lily. Shoving her face close until the girls were practically nose to nose, much as Lily had done to Milton, she began speaking. "You can have Tommy, Lily. You can have him for now. After awhile, a very short while, I suspect he'll realize that the disgusting fish smell is coming from you and leave you so quick. . ." She snapped her fingers together for emphasis "You, poor girl, won't even know what happened."
"You stupid cow! YOU TOOK MY UNDERWEAR! What kind of creepy pervert are you?"
"Why would I want your underwear? They are probably hole-y and smelly! And they are at least four sizes to large for me!"
"So you admit it! You wear other people's underwear! That is gross and wrong and I do not want to share a tower with you! You probably peek at other girls in the bathrooms!"
"I DO NOT!"
"You give me back my under things or I will go and tell Professor McGonagall this very second! She'll probably force you to buy me new ones once she hears what you've been doing with them!"
" I have not been doing anything with your underwear! That's probably why you are making this whole thing up! You don't have any underwear and you are creating this whole missing under wear thing to try and force someone to buy you some!"
"That is absolutely not true! I am leaving! I am telling on you! Maybe you'll have to stay in another tower to protect the rest of the Gryffindor girls from your homosexual tendencies!" Lily whirled from the other girl and started marching towards the exit, all thoughts of worn, ratty robes forgotten.
"You'll get points taken off of your own house? For something that I did not do? I maintain my previously held belief that you don't own any underpants and are trying to force me to buy you some, you gross, unloyal, little mudblood!"
"Oh! It is go time, baby! I will not be telling Minerva after all." Lily turned, her robe fluttering open a bit wider than she would have been comfortable with if she had been paying attention. "Let me tell you what is going to happen now, bitch-blood. I am going to pull every piece of hair off of your oversized-under-occupied head. I am then going to use those hairs to fashion a rope. You look like you take good care of your hair." Lily growled as she moved towards Vivica "It should make a very strong rope. I am then going to tie one end around your neck and the other end around a hippogriff. I will then take Milton Henderson and prod him into doing something to piss the hippogriff off. I will be using Milton because I do not like him. After Milton pisses off the hippogriff he will be forced to run to save his life, and the hippogriff will chase after him. After that it goes one of two ways, you will either be dragged over and around the forbidden forest, eventually breaking free from your hair tether, unfortunately your body will be broken and bleeding and that will have attracted other creatures from the forest. Mistaking you for dead they will then eat you ALIVE. Or, option B, the hippogriff will become bored with Milton Henderson, therefore leaving his broken, battered body alone and take off into the air. Where you will be hanged."
"Whatever. Psychopath." Vivica choked out a forced laugh. "Yeah right."
"I'd be running if I were you, Vivica. I told you what would happen to instill fear for your flight.If I let you just run off into the night . . ."
"Um. . .Its morning, Lily." Jonathan called out.
"FINE! If I let her just run out into the morning, then she may begin thinking clearly and do something foolish like tell a teacher. Then I'd have to kill her quick. I don't want to kill her quick. I want her to suffer because she stole my damn underPANTS!" Lily may have become slightly hysterical. "If she runs out right now, then she'd make mistakes and I would use those mistakes to hunt her down like the bitch that she is and kill her! For breakfast I would have her toes and Milton Henderson's LIVER!" She threw her head back and laughed maniacally, her robe gapping open in the front. "I will drink your blood, woman! Drink it up! Yum!"
"Geeze, I'll give them back, Lily! Just stop freaking out! I'll got get all of your pants right now!" Vivica took a few tremulous steps backwards, leery of turning her back on Lily before fleeing up the steps to get the pants.
As Vivica ran Lily readjusted her robe, and smiled pleasantly at everyone in the common room. "Is popcorn really going to be enough for breakfast?" Most took that for what it was: an out. The room was soon emptied of everyone but Lily, Jonathan and the Marauders.
"Is it weird that I'm really turned on right now?" James Potter whispered to Sirius Black.
"I kind of am too, mate. She's hot. Scary. Crazy as Medusa, but nice butt, excellent rack."
Lily turned and gave the two a look that should have sent them running screaming for the hills, but really wasn't all that intimidating after witnessing her whole 'I'm going to drink your blood' rant. They shifted uncomfortably anyways.
"Shouldn't you go upstairs, wait for Vivica, get dressed?" Jonathan asked, wisely from several feet away.
"I don't want that stupid cow any closer to my room than she has to be."
"Doesn't she sleep in your dorm? Isn't she in our year?" Jonathan bravely continued the conversation, making a bold attempt to bring his crazy friend back to true normalcy and not the scary normalcy she was currently swimming in.
"She's a fifth year. Like I want her stupid boyfriend anyways."
"You are dating Tommy though, aren't you?"
"I will be by the end of the day."
"Lily!"
"What! it's the principle of the thing! She stole my pants because she thought I was the reason that Tommy broke up with her. I should at least date Tommy! I should get something out of this humiliating day!"
"Lily is very big on principles. When it suits her. And really, who's fool enough to challenge her?" Jonathan murmured to the Marauders.
"Hey, um, Lily, do you want to, I don't know, go to Hogsmeade with me sometime?" James Potter asked nervously, one hand going up to muss his hair.
"Are you kidding me?"
"Um. No?"
"Why on the wizards earth would I go out with you?"
"I'm attractive." He began, only to interrupt himself forcefully with "I am very attractive. . ."
"And that is all you have to recommend yourself?"
"That's not enough?"
"You are a cocky little thing aren't you? No, its not enough. And if it was, you don't have enough of it to be enough."
"So, no, then?" He asked, confused and somewhat startled at being shot down.
"No, Potter."
"You're going to give in to me eventually."
"Shut up! Stop talking! Make your stupid friend stop talking before I hex him from here to his moms house!" And with that a tradition was started that would last for three more years, when Lily Evans did give in. To think, there would be no 'boy who lived' if someone had never stolen Lily Evans underpants, because James Potter may never have noticed her.
AUTHORS NOTE: I know that that did not have nearly as much MWPP action as it should've but I'm pleased with it all of the same. It just kind of worked out that way. Here are my reasons for having Lily upset and accusing Milton Henderson instead of James: Ok, this is 4th year, not fifth and Lily and Remus are not prefects yet. So this is my reasoning, The marauders were always super cool and popular. That's just the way that it was, Lily did not come on to their radar until she got made a prefect with Remus and he started talking about her some. Lily is not unpopular. She has her friends she is just not on the same level as the marauders and considering the amount of conceit and arrogance these kids seemed to portray I don't really see them noticing someone not on their level unless that person is particularly pointed out to them. So James isn't harassing Lily yet, this was supposed to be the very first time that he noticed her. Lily does not hate James. His constant harassing is what makes her dislike him so much later on . She's rude because really, the girl had a dang hard day and by the end of the story its only like 9 am 8:30ish. So, she was a bit ruder than necessary but really, she doesn't even have her pants back. I hope you enjoyed it, it literally walked into my head when I was cooking my dinner, and by the time I finished eating the fic was finished and I figured I might as well type it up. So here you go.