Summary: Zuko's stuck in Mall Jail, Why? And will Katara, Sokka and Toph come get him out? Zutara, Tokka, SUCH A CRACKFIC, AU, HaPpY BiRtHdAy AlI (rIkA)!
Disclaimer: Shenaynay is a pure form of epicness, that, sadly, I don't own; she/he belongs to my friend, Lucas.
Happy Birthday Ali!! (Her ACTUAL Birthday is Oct. 20, but I'm nice and I'm giving her, her present early.)
"So, my mother always wanted me to become a Safari Guide, but that's not what I wanted to do. And my mother's the reason my hair's blue-green too. You see, she went clubbing and did a shit load of drugs, not knowing that she was pregnant with me and-"
Zuko scowled and tapped his hands on the metal bars. "Fascinating. Are you done yet?"
The Asian Mall Jail police officer shook her/his head. "Nope. I didn't even tell you my name yet. It's Shenaynay! And," Her voice lowered to a whisper. "I'm a hermaphrodite."
Zuko facepalmed. "Great. I'm stuck in Mall Jail with an androgynous police officer. Do I get my one phone call or whatever?"
Shenaynay nodded, and handed Zuko a Razr covered in pink sparkles and T-rex stickers, "Yup! Use my cellyphono."
Zuko groaned and called Katara.
XXX"So, my mother always wanted me to become a Safari Guide, but that's not what I wanted to do. And my mother's the reason my hair's blue-green too. You see, she went clubbing and did a shit load of drugs, not knowing that she was pregnant with me and-"
Katara smiled politely, "Can I pay the bail fee and get my boyfriend out of jail now please?"
Shenaynay smiled back at her, "Tell you what. I'll let him out free if you could get me a date, with someone who's as pretty as you, but in guy form. I'm in the mood to date a guy right now."
Katara smiled evilly, "You got it, Sister." She whipped out her black Chocolate and called her brother.
XXX"So, my mother always wanted me to become a Safari Guide, but that's not what I wanted to do. And my mother's the reason my hair's blue-green too. You see, she went clubbing and did a shit load of drugs, not knowing that she was pregnant with me and-"
Shenaynay stopped amidst her/his speech and blushed lightly.
"Do I have to?" Sokka moaned to Katara.
Katara nodded, "Of course, it's for Zuko! And you two have sooo much in common."
"Like what!"
"You both…like…" Katara's face twisted up in thought. "Blue. And malls."
"Oh yes. That's a perfect foundation for a relationship." Sokka said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
Shenaynay brightened, "Relationship?" He/She squeaked.
"NO!" Sokka slammed his hands down on the desk, "I'm already dating someone!"
Shenaynay puppy-dog-pouted, "Really? Who?"
XXX"So, my mother always wanted me to become a Safari Guide, but that's not what I wanted to do. And my mother's the reason my hair's blue-green too. You see, she went clubbing and did a shit load of drugs, not knowing that she was pregnant with me and-"
Toph tapped her foot impatiently, nudging Sokka in the arm, "Does she ever shut up?"
"No," Then Sokka turned to address Shenaynay, "LOOOOOKKK. This is my girlfriend. So therefore, I cannot go on a date with you. That would make me a cheater, you see."
Shenaynay's sad expression changed to a mad, boiling red. "Then your friend isn't getting out of mall jail!!"
"What!?" Katara shrieked, her complexion matching Shenaynay's.
"Yeah," Zuko moaned from the back, "What?"
Katara frowned, "Why is he in Mall Jail anyways? I was never told."
Shenaynay smiled, "Perhaps the culprit should tell you hisself."
The officer led the 3 back to their friend. Zuko sighed, shuddering at the memory, "It's a frickin' long story."
Katara crossed her arms over her chest in a very motherly fashion and commanded him to, "Speak dammit."
Why Zuko's in Mall Jail:
Zuko exited Cold Stone Creamy, happily licking a "Birthday Cake Mix", on a cone. Suddenly, on the other side of the mall, he saw a crazy looking person coming rushing in his direction. This person, (Zuko was unable to tell gender from where he was), was wearing a police officer's uniform and had wild blue-green hair. This person also looked Asian. As said person got closer, Zuko realized that it was…probably, a girl.
She rushed over to him, grabbing his arm. "YOU!" She screamed at him, "YOU! ARE! AWFUL!" Zuko struggled for his arm, unable to get it back, "What? Why!? I've never even seen you before!"
"YOU!" She shrieked again, "YOU'RE TOO PERFECT! YOU'RE AN AMAZING MIX OF EMO AND PREP! IT'S NOT RIGHT! IT'S UNCANNY! AND PLUS, YOU'RE EATING ICE CREAM,"
Zuko looked uneasily at his ice cream, unsure of what the problem was. He was also beginning to wonder if he should chew his arm off to get away from this… 'Police officer'.
The officer continued, "YOU'RE EATING ICE CREAM ON THE THIRD TUESDAY WHEN THE MOON IS IN THE HOUSE OF UN-ICE-CREAM-BAD-NESS AND THE HOUSE OF TEE-WEE-SHUNG-DING-BUNG. SHUN! I SHUN THEE! AND,"
Zuko looked at his arm, then bit into it, and hesitantly began chewing. The officer finished, "YOU NEED A HAIRCUT!"
She tugged his arm, pulling Zuko behind her. "You're goin' ta MALL JAIL!"
Zuko finished his speech and then pointed at Shenaynay, "I'm telling you guys! She…he…It's insane!" Zuko turned to Shenaynay, "You're psychotic."
She/he blushed, embarrassed. "Why thank you. You're so sweet."
Suddenly, one of Katara's Ex's jumped into the room through a window. Shenaynay caught him.
After him, Zuko's sister came flying through the window. "You're an ASSFACE!"
Katara's ex held his head high. "I don't care, I'm sick of you and your controlling ways! You may be very satisfying," Jet looked up at the person holding him. "But I'm sure she's just as good."
He leaped out of Shenaynay's arms and pressed her/him against the Cell Bars. "You will be, won't you?"
Shenaynay blushed again, and her/his voice became husky, "You betcha, bubba."
Zuko shuddered and moved away from them. He looked at his now disheveled sister and sighed. He was going to have to deal with that when he got home. If he got home.
Katara looked at the two, who were now wrapped up in an intense make-out session, and spoke, "Well, moving on from that odd disturban-"
Unfortunately, Katara spoke too soon.
Right outside the mall jail, a smacking sound was heard. Katara, Toph and Sokka rushed out to see Suki and Haru standing there.
"You're GAY!?" Suki screamed, "BUT! I…love you! You said you loved me too!"
Haru made a "Thn" sound with his tongue against his teeth. "Hon-ee, Come aw-on. Evvvvvvvvverybody could see it! 'Cepts fah you acourse."
With that, he sauntered off, hips swaying with every step.
Sokka and Toph doubled over with laughter, "And to think she dumped me for him!" Sokka said through belly laughs.
Toph, Sokka and Katara re-entered the mall jail, a crying Suki in tow. They thought that her and Azula could help one another cope.
Katara, Suki and Sokka eyes filled with shock as they saw a half-clothed Jet, laying on the cold, wet, stone floor. He was surrounded by his own blood, and had some purple-ish bruises appearing. Written on the floor beside him in his own blood, was 'The Police Officer's to Blame, He wasn't Fair Game.'
Zuko was still in his cell, hitting his head repeatedly against the bars, eyes closed, and Azula and Shenaynay had mysteriously disappeared.
"What!?" Toph asked, "What's going on?"
"Shenaynay," Sokka whispered, "She…he…it's gone."
"And so's Azula." Katara added, equally whispering.
"Then get. Me. Out of here!" Zuko moaned.
Toph marched over to the Cell and metalbent the bars into specs of metal-dust.
Zuko, Sokka, Katara and Suki squealed in surprise. "How did you do that?"
Toph rolled her eyes, annoyed. "Where have you guys been? Bending is an ancient art… god; do I have to re-remind you of my childhood with the badgermoles? Do Zuko and Aang have to go back and visit the Sun Warrior's again?" Toph stormed off, "You're all retarded! You're collectively retarded!" Then she mumbled, "Don't even remember their own damn past! It's on DVD boxset now and everything. Christ."
XXXXXXXXXXZuko, Katara and Sokka had settled their differences with Toph and the four of them were "all good" again.
Trying to find something interesting for them all to watch, Sokka began flipping through the channels. "Boring…Lame…Dumb…Stupid…News…"
"Wait!" Zuko pointed at the screen, "Go back to the news!"
"Oh." Katara, "My." Sokka.
"GOD!" Toph, "What's going on!"
"Shenaynay…she…he…it…" Sokka let the news finish for him.
"NEXT ON NEWS AT 10: RECENT ASLYUM ESCAPEE, SHENAYNAY HENNESSEY FOUND DEAD, IN A POOL OF HER OWN BLOOD. RUMORS SAY IT WAS HEIRESS, AZULA HEAT, AND THAT IT'S CONNECTED TO THE DEATH OF HER BOYFRIEND, JET DOM. RUMORS ALSO SAY THAT SHENAYNAY HAD BEEN IMPERSANATING A MALL JAIL POLICE OFFICER AND THAT HER RECENT ESCAPE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE HOUSE OF TEE-WEE-SHUNG-DING-BUNG AND PEOPLE WITH TOO LONG OF HAIR EATING ICE CREAM."
XXXXXX
A/N: Ali! I LOOOVE YOU! Happy FRIGGIN' birthday, you, avatard, you. YOU'RE 15 NOW! Go eat some cake, dammit! Well…actually don't…it's prolly 6 in the morning. I 3 YOU! Have an–awesomely-amaze-tastic-frosting-filled-happy-day-of-awesomely-amaze-tastic-frosting!
Oh, and if you're someone who's NOT Ali, I'd totally love a review if this got a chuckle outta you.
-Mandi (Toruh)