Gladio was just tucking a freshly-folded shirt into his open suitcase when he heard the door open. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Ignis walking into their hotel room, engrossed in a tabloid magazine. He had never known Ignis to be interested in that trash before… "We're almost ready here," he announced, snapping his suitcase shut and reaching for the jacket he had slung over the back of a chair. "Just gotta wait for His Highness to finish eating his Choc-os."
Seated on a barstool in the kitchenette, Noct shook the last sugary-sweet, flavored crumb from the cereal box into his bowl and then reached for a small milk carton. "What, no comment on the state of my nutrition?" the prince teased. "Hey, weren't you going to the lobby to get me some fruit, Ignis? Cause you thought you were gonna make me eat it?"
Ignis didn't respond. Instead, he was gazing down at the magazine between his hands with a look of ire.
"What's wrong, Iggy?" Gladio asked patronizingly. He knew from experience not to assume anything was quite so dire as the more serious member of their group made it out to be.
In response Ignis handed him the magazine, then crossed his arms and stared at the other man disquietly as he awaited Gladio's reaction.
A moment later, the burly man erupted in booming laughter.
Noct chewed his cereal in silence, looking at the other men as if they'd lost their minds. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know.
"It isn't funny!" Ignis sternly snapped, making a grab for the magazine.
"Nah, I gotta show the kid," Gladio snickered, holding it out of Ignis's reach.
"Show me what?" Noct demanded through a mouthful of Choc-os. After swallowing, he added, "And I'm not a little kid."
Gladio's eyes were glued to the magazine spread, his eyes wide and his brows arched appreciatively as he walked it over to Noctis. "You sure ain't."
"Right. So don't call me that." Noct shoveled more cereal into his mouth.
"In fact," the other man added, "you look all grown up." Gladio slammed the magazine down next to Noct's cereal bowl with a wide grin.
Noct choked when he saw what was in the center of the magazine, spewing milk all over the glossy pages.
"Oh, man!" Gladio howled. "Somehow that makes it all the better!" He doubled over in laughter.
Ignis rushed over to the kitchenette to put an end to the incident before things got any further out of hand. But he became flustered when he saw the milk splashed across the picture of Noct's bare chest, not knowing whether he should just take the magazine from the counter and throw it in the trash, or if he should wipe the milk off the page. "M-my apologies, Highness," he stuttered, his face turning scarlet. "I hadn't meant for you to see that."
Noct scowled. "It's nothing I haven't seen before," he retorted. "What I want to know is, why the hell is everybody else looking?!" The prince snatched the magazine from the counter while Ignis wrung his hands, closing it to look at the front cover. "Exclusive Bachelor's Party Photo Collection: Playboy Prince Shows Off His Crown Jewels," he read out loud.
Gladio started crying and had to steady his hand on the counter to keep from falling to the floor in fits of hysterical giggles.
"But I—I never had a bachelor's party!" Noct pointed out in bewilderment.
"Of course not, Your Highness!" Ignis agreed indignantly.
"But… Th-that's me!" Noct gasped, showing Ignis the front cover of the magazine, which displayed a picture of the prince standing in a pool of water that was just barely waist-deep and left little to the imagination.
Ignis looked as apologetic as he did mortified, but had no words.
Noct tore the magazine open again and flipped through page after page until he found the photo spread. Picture after picture, there the prince was in all his glory. "That's me, peeling off what was left of my jacket after that M.T. shredded it with its machine gun. That's me, sleeping without my shirt on. That's me, bathing in the river!"
Ignis started. "What did you say?"
"I said," Noctis barked, "there are embarrassing photos of me all through this filthy magazine! Anyone could go buy this and look at them!"
Gladio slapped his hand against the counter repeatedly as he cackled, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Yes," Ignis said slowly, ignoring Gladio as realization dawned on him, "but there's only one person in the world who could have taken such risqué photographs."
"Who—?" Noct started to ask, but then the door opened again and Prompto walked into the room.
"Wha—hey, guys!" Prompto sang cheerfully. "I paid the tab and filled the tank. You all ready to hit the road?"
"Prompto…" Noct began in a warning tone, "I'm going to kill you."
The blond's face was the very vision of a cherub as he blinked innocently. "What do you mean?"
"I said, I'm going to KILL YOU!" Noct shrieked, lunging from the stool for Prompto.
Ignis caught the prince in a flying leap, holding him back. Prompto started backing away, feeling the air behind him for the doorway.
"Why'd you stop him?" Gladio complained. "Things were about to get really good!"
"Prompto, did you—Close that door! A little privacy, if you please. Thank you.—did you take…intimate photographs of His Highness?"
"And sell them to the highest bidder?" Noct snarled through gritted teeth as he struggled against Ignis.
"Oh! You picked up a copy of my magazine." Prompto grinned, taking the crumpled paper from the prince's hands. "Geez, you dinged this all up. I was going to get one for myself as a momento, but they were all sold out."
Noctis's eyes bulged. "A momento of what, exactly?!"
"My first big photography gig," Prompto said proudly. "You would not believe how much they were paying for these pics."
"Ever think about asking me if that was okay?" Noct huffed.
"Why?" Prompto shrugged the question off nonchalantly. "I take pictures of you all the time."
"But do you sell them all?" Noctis challenged.
"Of course not!" Prompto snorted. "Who wants to see you sleeping in the back seat of a car? I only got money for the nudie ones."
Noct buried his face in his hands and stalked away. "I cannot even—!"
Gladio roared with laughter as Noct fell down on a bed, moaning.
Ignis took a deep, calming breath. "Gentlemen, I think it's time we head on out. Enough of this…most amusing diversion, Prompto," he chided sarcastically, stealing the magazine from the blond boy and rolling it up. "Get your things and head out to the car."
Prompto groaned and pouted, but did as he was told, scooping his duffel bag up from the foot of his bed and slinging it over his shoulder as he left the room. Gladio had to take a tissue and wipe the tears from his eyes first, but he finally picked up his suitcase and walked out after Prompto.
Ignis sighed and dropped the magazine into the wastebasket, covering it up with a few other pieces of trash to hide it. He emptied Noct's half-eaten cereal bowl and rinsed it clean before setting it in the sink for housekeeping to take care of. Then he walked over to Noct's bed to comfort the pince. "There, there, Highness," he said soothingly, gently rubbing the boy's back as he sat down beside him on the bed. "It's all right. You can come out now."
"How is this all right?" Noct wailed, taking the pillow off his head and rolling onto his side to face Ignis. "If I step outside that door, everyone's going to stare at me…undressing me with their eyes… Not that they'll need to, with those disgusting magazines being passed around all over town!"
"I don't expect many people have seen it," Ignis mused.
"But Prompto said they were sold out! There must have been fifty copies, at least!"
"It was more like a dozen," Ignis corrected him. "It's a small town, after all, and a small convenience store like that wouldn't expect a very high demand."
"Still, that's a dozen people in this town alone who've seen me naked!" Noct flopped back down, slinging his arm over his eyes.
"Yes, well…you see, Highness…" Ignis cleared his throat with some embarrassment. "I bought them all."
"You…bought them? All?" Noct repeated, slowly uncovering his eyes and sitting up. His expression was somehow no less concerned. "But what did you do with them?" he asked warily.
"They're in the trunk of the car," Ignis said, finally meeting the prince's gaze.
"Oh. I see." Noct climbed off the bed and stood up. "Well, all right, then. Let's go."
Ignis almost smiled as he joined him. "Feeling better already?"
"Yeah. And I'll feel even better after we make camp tonight."
"Camp, Highness?"
Noctis nodded. "That's when we use those magazines to build our campfire." He headed for the door, then looked over his shoulder at Ignis with a grin. "After all, we're going to need the trunk space for Prompto's dead body."