Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries. You'll understand why after reading this.
A/N: Yes, the title is from that Hozier song. It suits the hedonistic yet regretful vibe I am going for quite well, I think. Honestly, most of the characters are the worst versions of themselves in this story, at least at first. You have been warned.
It was fucked-up, being maid of honor at a wedding where you carried a secret torch for one of the participants. Caroline knew this, and it was her own disgust at herself that made her hands shake as she struggled to open the bottle of Xanax she'd been prescribed just two weeks earlier, shrieking in shock as the pills scattered all across the sink and bathroom floor. Immediately, she clapped her hand over her mouth, but it was too late. She heard stirring noises from the next room, and, sighing, bent to her knees to begin to gather the little white pills just as a knock came at the door.
"Caroline, you okay? I heard a noise…can I come in?"
"Yeah, no problem," Caroline replied, reaching over with her free hand to unlock the door. As she did so, the massive rock on her ring finger caught the early morning light, and Caroline felt a strange twisting in her gut that she hoped wouldn't show on her face as it felt halfway between a smile and a sob.
The door opened, and Caroline glanced up to give her friend a sheepish grin before returning her gaze to the floor. As she did so, she noticed, possibly for the first time, that Bonnie looked older. It wasn't in a bad way, at all – the five years since their high school graduation had been exceedingly kind to her friend, and Bonnie was as fresh-faced as ever. It was more of a subtle difference in the way that she carried herself, the set of her jaw, her cute new short bob that made her look more suited for a high profile government job than traipsing around the woods performing spells. Bonnie had grown up, Caroline realized, with a pang – something she herself would never have the luxury of doing.
It wasn't that Caroline hated being a vampire, as she knew Elena did. Quite the opposite, in fact. She liked being strong, fast, borderline invincible. With Klaus at her side, she was pretty much untouchable. But humanity had its selling points, too. It was the proverbial other path in the woods, and Caroline couldn't help but look down it from time to time, and wonder about what she had lost.
"Caroline?" Bonnie's questioning voice brought Caroline back to reality with a snap. She realized she had stopped collecting the spilled Xanax, and hastened to finish her work, straightening up so fast that, had she been human, her knees probably would have given a threatening crack.
"Yeah, sorry, I'm fine, I'm just a klutz," Caroline said, her eyes still scanning the corners of her small bathroom for any pills she might have missed. "Sorry to wake you."
"Oh, it's fine, I was lying awake anyway," Bonnie said casually, turning away from Caroline to rummage in the cupboard for her makeup bag. "Shit, where's my toothbrush? Oh, there it is. What's that medicine, anyway? If you don't mind me asking, of course," Bonnie added quickly, her awkwardness reminding Caroline of just how long it had been since they had spent any real time together.
"Oh it's fine. It's just some anxiety meds. Apparently vampires can still have panic attacks!" Caroline said brightly, as if it was no big thing. In actuality, the first panic attack she'd had, almost a month ago now, had scared the absolute crap out of her. She remembered yelling at Klaus over the phone that she was having "some kind of bullshit vampire heart attack or something." She smiled a little at the memory. He'd been great about it, immediately recognizing what was actually wrong, talking her down, and hardly teasing her about it at all afterward.
"Huh, who knew," Bonnie replied, rummaging through her makeup bag for something. "Does that stuff even work on you?"
Caroline shrugged. "It seemed to the other day. Unless that was the, ah, placebo effect or whatever it's called. I have to take three times the regular dose to feel anything, though." She dumped three of the pills into her hand and swallowed them one by one, washing them down with water from the sink and grimacing slightly at the uncomfortable feeling as one of them got stuck in her throat. "Oh fuck," she choked out, and nearly shoved Bonnie aside in her quest to imbibe as much water as possible before sitting down, spluttering, on the edge of the bathtub.
"Oh my God, here!" Bonnie said in a panicked tone, refilling her glass and handing it to her before sitting down on the closed toilet seat, a reassuring hand on Caroline's back. Caroline gulped the water greedily and then graced her friend with a watery smile.
"Are you okay?"
Caroline laughed. "I'm fine. Last time I checked, vampires can't die from choking."
Bonnie smiled gamely, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Caroline knew that wasn't really what she'd been asking, but she didn't know how to answer the other question, so she pressed on.
"I'm fine, really. Just a little hungover if anything. God, how much did we drink last night?"
This time Bonnie's smile was genuine. "Should we count the bottles?"
All told, they'd emptied three bottles of wine, a handle of whiskey, and half a bottle of tequila. Wanting to spare Elena the fuss of having to clean up all the mess on her special day, Bonnie and Caroline set to clearing the kitchen, chatting happily and singing along to old pop songs on the radio as they did so. It wasn't long before Elena appeared in the doorway, hair mussed from sleep, yawning, wearing just the long T-shirt and short shorts she'd gone to bed.
"Yikes, Elena, aren't your feet cold?" Bonnie asked, trying not to linger overlong on the image of Elena in the doorway, awash in light. She's your best friend, and a vampire to boot, not some kind of angel. Although I'm sure Stefan might beg to differ on that point…
Elena bounced back onto the balls of her feet from where she's been reaching for a cup and gave Bonnie a warm smile. "You're silly. Have you forgotten vampires don't get cold?"
Bonnie laughed, but her heart hurt. She hadn't forgotten that vampires were impervious to temperature – just, for a moment, that her best friend was one. For a moment, it had almost seemed like they were fifteen again, just having another sleepover at Caroline's house, before all this supernatural nonsense had come into their lives. It was an illusion they had all been keen to preserve the night before – Elena especially, Bonnie thought wryly. Perhaps that was why she had planted a sloppy kiss on Bonnie's mouth "for old time's sake," while Caroline was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Bonnie shook her head to clear it of such pointless thoughts. Nostalgia was her weakness; it always had been (in addition to a certain brunette). She was determined not to let it get the better of her today.
When they had finished cleaning up the kitchen, the three girls headed into Caroline's room to ready themselves for the day. Caroline and Bonnie's bridesmaid dresses were identical except in color: both strapless and floor-length with sweetheart necklines, made of a beautiful sheer fabric with silk underneath. Caroline's was a soft periwinkle blue that brought out her eyes, while Bonnie's was a dusty lavender that was breathtaking against her warm brown skin. Elena's gown took the cake, of course – with a full hoop skirt, lace sleeves, and about a hundred buttons up the back, she was the absolute picture of elegance. She'd chosen to wear her hair half-up, half-down, and the strands that weren't pulled behind her head cascaded around her shoulders in smooth, lustrous waves. Bonnie finished arranging the last of them as Caroline meticulously applied false eyelashes to Elena's eyelids.
"Oh my God, I think you got glue in my eye."
"Beauty is pain," Caroline quipped, now sweeping blush across her friend's cheekbones. Bonnie smiled and picked up the bridal bouquet – blue and purple orchids, white roses – from the vanity. (Hers and Caroline's were the same, minus the roses.)
"Here you go. Do you have the garter I gave you?"
"Yep!" Elena replied, taking the bouquet from Bonnie and cheekily pulling up her skirt to reveal it. This provoked a flurry of activity in Caroline, who went hustling around in Elena's bag for her mother's diamond bracelet, which, as a family heirloom, fulfilled the "old" part of the adage. As she fastened in around Elena's wrist, Bonnie was surprised to see tears glistening in her blonde friend's eyes.
"There you go, and you have something blue – well, several blue things, I guess, counting your daylight ring - and your dress is brand new, of course," Caroline said, wiping hurriedly at her eyes with the back of her hand.
Elena smiled gently. "Careful now, you'll mess up your makeup."
Caroline laughed. "As if anyone will be looking at me today."
"I can think of at least one immortal hybrid that probably won't be able to take his eyes off you in that dress," Bonnie cut in slyly, drawing a laugh from the other two girls. Then it was time to head to the church.
The actual ceremony was uneventful. Small, private, quiet. Damon was Stefan's best man. Jeremy gave Elena away. Matt officiated. Tyler was the only guest not in the wedding party, and the absence of Sheriff Forbes, who had passed away a few years before after a short battle with cancer, as well as that of Elena's parents, of Jenna and Alaric, was keenly felt, but they tried not to dwell on it. Klaus had respectfully declined to attend, saying that he would meet Caroline at the reception – a tactful choice, on the whole, the reasons for which Caroline tried not to think about too much.
It was at the reception where things became interesting. In sharp contrast to the wedding ceremony itself, Elena seemed to have invited half the town to the party, which Tyler had generously agreed to host at the Lockwood mansion. After a seemingly endless amount of socializing with old high school peers and former mentors, neighbors, and absolute strangers, Caroline was ready for a break. The groom has disappeared in typical Stefan fashion – not wanting to ask anyone else to run an errand for him, he'd kissed Elena, beaming, and run off to the store for ice before anyone could stop him.
Caroline took the stairs inside the old Lockwood house two at a time, hiking her dress up in her hurry. She didn't really need to pee, just to be alone. Something was off with her today. However, her quest to be alone was forgotten when she heard moaning noises from Tyler's bedroom. She rolled her eyes – doubtless he'd ensnared some aimless recent high school graduate into bed with him – and was about to continue down the hall when a muttered name made her stop in her tracks.
"Oh God, Elena, fuck yes, I missed you, I missed this – "
"Shut up," came her best friend's voice, unmistakably, from the room with the door ajar, although Caroline had never heard it sound so cold and authoritative. She almost sounded like Katherine. Caroline took a step forward almost unthinkingly – whether to flee for the bathroom or the stairs, her only thought was of escape – and the door swung open soundlessly to reveal the newly minted Elena Salvatore, entirely naked except for the wedding veil she still wore, robustly fucking her husband's brother with a look of pure ecstasy on her face.