Cotard's Syndrome- The Cotard Delusion (also Cotard's Syndrome and Walking Corpse Syndrome) is a rare mental illnsee, in which the afflicted person holds the delusion that he or she is dead, either figuratively or literally; yet said delusion of negation is not a symptom essential to the syndrome proper.
When Baekhyun was born, he was born a healthy baby with a disease of the mind that could turn out to be the death of him one day. And Baekhyun always tried his best to stay sanguine, enjoying his only friend's –Yixing's- company. They used to talk about absolutely nothing all the time, sharing dreams they had with each other, laughing together. They were always together, staying true friends to one another, but in middle school they had separate classes, and the torment began. Yixing was unaware of Baekhyun's disease and all the teasing and taunting of Baekhyun's classmates; making it so hard for Baekhyun to remain optimistic. And his mind eventually began to succumb to the disease- his spirit slowly crumbling under the pressure of being teased- the taunting causing him to lose his willingness to speak to anyone. Yixing remained by him though, watching him carefully- trying to show him that he still had a friend to share his feelings with- when the taunting only worsened his sophomore year of high school. Yixing did everything he could to help Baekhyun overcome his depression…
Baekhyun trudged into the classroom- expressionlessly looking around him- silently he took his seat in the back of the classroom. He hadn't made any friends this school year; nor had he even talked to anyone. He always stood, staring off into the distance as people around him buzzed happily by. Some tried to hold a conversation with him, but when he wouldn't respond, they'd walk away.
But in Baekhyun's eyes, he was talking back to them- responding to everything they'd said, but he was never saying them out loud. And that was what irritated people and so no one tried to talk to him anymore.
Baekhyun stared up to the front of the class, watching the teacher chatter on excitedly about a new student. The boy walked into the classroom, standing tall and proud. He looked quite handsome- his curled hair messy yet styled, his clothes looked expensive and clean pressed- his smile large and bright. "Hello everyone! My name is Chanyeol," he stated, happily as he waved.
Baekhyun couldn't help but stare, but it wasn't like he was the only one right now- so it wasn't awkward yet. Baekhyun was so attracted to the fact that he seemed so happy and carefree, everything he didn't feel anymore. Their eyes finally met- Chanyeol still smiling- and Baekhyun looked down, feeling as if he'd never want to be his friend.
The teacher smiled pleasantly, pointing to the back of the classroom. "Well then, Chanyeol, you can take a seat back there with our lovely Baekhyun," she stated, excitedly. And Chanyeol walked down the aisle and took his seat obediently as he looked over at Baekhyun- who refused to meet his gaze. He wanted Chanyeol to look anywhere else but at him- he wouldn't want him to hate him because Baekhyun couldn't find it in him to actually speak.
Chanyeol leaned over towards him, when the teacher wasn't paying attention, and smiled. "It's nice to meet you Baekhyun," he whispered, smiling. Baekhyun nodded, still not saying anything as he continued to stare at the teacher. Chanyeol took that as his cue to pay attention to the teacher- because obviously Baekhyun was very much into his studies, and Chanyeol should be too.
An hour later, the bell- signaling that the class was over- sounded loudly and shrill as students began to file out of the classroom. Baekhyun waited for everyone else to file out, before he even stood to leave. Chanyeol stood when Baekhyun stood, but now it seemed Chanyeol was a completely different person as he pushed past Baekhyun to leave first. "See you later, short stuff," he called over his shoulder, his gaze somewhat meaner looking now. Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol walked with a purpose, pushing past the other students- but acting pleasant in front of the teachers- working his way somewhere. Suddenly Baekhyun didn't find him attractive anymore- he was rude it seemed and probably obnoxious.
Baekhyun trudged his way home, staring at the ground as he walked- not watching for other people really- when he bumped into another person. "Hey," the voice cried as the person fell to the floor and landed on their butt. The person that looked up into Baekhyun's eyes was quite beautiful. He wasn't quite sure if it was a girl or a boy- their pink, supple lips frowning as they stood and dusted themselves off. They had large brown doe eyes- like a deer- as the person stared at Baekhyun. "You couldn't watch where you were going," they asked, calmly- not a hint of anger in their voice. And suddenly, Baekhyun knew it was a male by his voice. I'm sorry… I should be more careful… Baekhyun didn't answer him as his entire demeanor emanated the apologetic reasoning inside Baekhyun's head. The boy tilted his head, seemingly reading the emotions in Baekhyun's eyes.
The boy smiled at him. "Not much of a talker, huh? Well, I accept the apology," he stated, patting Baekhyun's shoulder. "My name is Luhan. Pleased to meet you," he announced, seemingly knowing no strangers. "And your name?"
Baekhyun stared at him, blankly. This was the time when people became irritated with him- giving up- and storming off. Baekhyun shook his head gently and Luhan laughed. "You're real serious about that not talking, aren't you? Well, either way, I want us to be friends," he cheered, and wrapped an arm around Baekhyun's shoulders, leading him elsewhere. Baekhyun stared at Luhan's hand, seemingly realizing it didn't belong there, but then again nothing left his mouth. "Why don't you talk," Luhan asked, continuing to press the issue. "Is something wrong with your voice? Are you afraid I'll laugh? I promise I won't," Luhan continued, when another boy approached him.
"I'm sorry, but Baekhyun doesn't talk to even me anymore," he stated sadly, pushing Baekhyun's bangs out of his eyes. Luhan could now see the blank and devoid gaze fixed on the ground. Luhan looked over at the other boy. "And you are?"
The boy smiled at Luhan. "The name is Yixing, but my close friends just call me Lay, right Baekhyun? And I really hope Baekhyun hasn't deterred you from wanting to be friends with him. He really enjoys your company. I can see it in his eyes," Lay insisted, smiling at both of them. Luhan looked over to Baekhyun again and there was the sight remnant of a glimmer that he enjoyed them there- talking to him. Though he still felt he wasn't there actually partaking in the conversation or joy of it.
After walking Baekhyun home- like he wanted, Lay and Luhan wondered off to go get themselves something to eat. They'd invited Baekhyun, but he neither declined nor accepted their offer. He had rooted himself on his front porch- watching them walk away- when his mother and father opened the front door, dressed in formal attire. "Could you not stand there being weird as fuck," his mother asked, walking out onto the porch. "I mean, what if one of the neighbors sees you standing here- spaced out- like a dumbass? Do YOU know what people will say?"
Baekhyun looked toward his parents, his will to leave strong, but knowing he had nowhere to go was keeping him there. He knew his parents didn't love him- that was because they didn't know how to handle him or the disease that will never go away. Baekhyun truly wished he could change that about him- maybe then his parents might actually love him; might actually want him around. But alas, he was born the way he was born, he couldn't change that fact. This fact only tormented him further. Would his parents be nicer to him, if he didn't have this disease? Would they care at all? Or were they just shitty people, who should have never been allowed to reproduce?
Baekhyun moved out of his mother's way as she walked down the stairs. His father shoved him even further out of his way, glaring at him. "Get inside the house before someone sees you being a freak," he demanded, catching up to his wife. Baekhyun continued to stand there, staring at them, not sure of what to do. When his mother turned around, facing her son with a heated glare. "We'll be at the most important gala of the season, so don't follow us. We'll be meeting some important people, and we don't want them meeting you. In fact, why don't you just find a new place to live, because honestly, we're tired of seeing your face around the house. If you can't act normal, I don't see why I have to raise you," she stated, harshly.
But Baekhyun continued to stand there- stiffly- staring at the two people who were supposed to love him, but were now telling him to go find a new place to live. I don't have any money for an apartment, or any money for food, how do you expect me to survive? But his question was answered swiftly by his father, who could read his almost expressionless eyes as well. "We don't care if you survive. Just leave," he declared, harshly as he stomped as well.
Baekhyun would have scurried out of fright, if he could feel emotions. With one last helpless glance at his glaring father and unconcerned mother, Baekhyun trudged away- honestly thinking this would be for the best of him. But he knew they weren't like that when he was happy; they didn't recently start acting like that until he quit speaking. He wished he could go back and change the past, but then again, life was what you made it. And you just had to deal with it.
With nowhere to go, Baekhyun trudged on, not knowing who to turn to. Yixing would have given him a place to stay, but he wasn't sure if his parents would tolerate him like Lay did. Everything seemed so hard for him after his mind began to slowly deteriorate into numbness. Although now, he could never feel the emotions that he should have felt, which might have been a good thing for him- knowing the circumstances.
Baekhyun came across a remotely and mostly deserted street, and decided he'd stay there for the night. It wasn't like he had an actual place to stay anymore. It was a good thing he always carried a spare razor with him- just in case he became too zombified during school hours. It took everything in him sometimes- just to trudge to the bathroom to help himself feel alive again.
He sat down on the curb, staring out into the street- blank gaze fixated on a small frog hopping across the asphalt at such hot temperatures. He wondered if maybe the frog was cold, and it was just trying to warm itself up before it died. He looked up at the sky, pulling his backpack into his lap- clouds hanging overhead, lowly- as if it might rain. Baekhyun would have sighed heavily, knowing this was just his luck, but instead, unzipped his backpack- reaching inside- and pulled out a small straight razor.
He placed it to his wrist- that already had scars on them- hovering over a specific spot. He had cut this spot once before, and it ended with a trip to the hospital. He'd needed stitches then; that was when his mother worried about him. Now, she was just as cruel as his father. He looked over to the frog again- watching it as he drug the blade across the delicate skin. It hurt- which was good- it meant he was alive, and that the fact that he felt dead was only a delusion inside his brain. He positioned it in a different spot, slicing the delicate skin there as well. He continued to do this over and over, until he felt satisfied with his result.
He looked at his wrists as blood rushed to the surface of his cuts, threatening to spill over the edges of his arm. He pressed against the skin, forcing more blood to flow- feeling it leave his body. His arm caked with his own blood, he glanced up to the sky again- clouds now opening up and rain pouring down on him. "Argh," he cried out, tears beginning to fall as well. The rain would surely cover up the fact that he was crying though. "I just want to go back to the way things were," he choked, finally talking. It was only after he'd just finished cutting his beautiful porcelain skin, that he was able to talk at all. And normally, no one was around to hear it, because he never did this around other people. He'd wait until he was in a very private and intimate setting, where no one could hear him cry afterwards.
Chanyeol, dressed in an expensive Armani suit, walked out into the gala- in tow of his father. His father was the owner of a billion-dollar corporation- Park Industries and owned more than half of Korea itself. Chanyeol couldn't understand why his father had put him in a school for peasants, if he was being groomed to take over the family company. It just didn't make any sense at all.
Chanyeol yawned quietly, covering his mouth as he stared at all the boring, old rich people his father associated with. He knew his friends' parents were there, but why couldn't his actual friends be there? He'd have so much more fun if they were there; they'd make things livelier.
Chanyeol's father approached a couple that wasn't familiar to him, but for some reason, he recognized some of the features these two carried. They'd introduced themselves as the Byun family. Studying them closer, he knew he'd seen someone who looked like the mother, but with different eyes and hair. Then it dawned on him: Baekhyun, the little quiet peasant kid who he had to sit next to in Chemistry- to his dismay. He would have rather sat next to the teacher than the largest nerd he's ever had the displeasure of setting his eyes on.
Chanyeol respectfully bowed to the Byun's before speaking to them. "You have a son named Baekhyun, am I correct," he asked as politely as possible. He didn't want to seem like a rude host in front of his father. Otherwise, he could care less if he seemed rude or not. But his father would have raised the holy hell in the powerful smack that would have come his way if he was rude now.
The Byun's looked uncomfortable for a moment, before the father cleared his throat. "Oh, you have such a good memory, Mr. Park. However would you remember such a disagreeable and unnoticeable person as our son," he asked, nervously. Mrs. Byun still looked uncomfortable as she laughed nervously, neither of them realizing that Chanyeol had met their son.
Chanyeol paid no mind to the uncomfortable atmosphere as he bowed again. "Please excuse me," he announced suddenly as he walked away. He was too bored with this shit to stand and talk to them any longer. Obviously, even they aren't proud of the little nerd themselves, he thought to himself as he found a nice wall to perch his back against. He was tired of the gala already, and it'd just started. He decided- that since he couldn't see his father, his father must not be able to see him- and he pulled out his cell phone, and decided to text Kris.
Chanyeol: Kris! You have to save me, man! This fuckin party sucks major ass. And I have no way of gettin the hell outta here…
Galaxy fanfan: Quit bitching. At least you got to go. If I set foot in there, my ass is grass. And my parents are the lawn mower…
Chanyeol glared at the screen- Kris's response pissing him off but he couldn't help but chuckle at the last part. Kris was just so straight-forward sometimes, that it pissed Chanyeol off. 'Fuck you,' he responded- knowing Kris knew he wasn't serious, and put his phone back in his back pocket. If Kris wasn't going to be supportive, neither were any of the other five of his friends.
Chanyeol sighed heavily, pressing his back against the wall again, and propping his foot up against the wall as well. Hopefully, soon his father would announce that Chanyeol would be taking over the corporation and the gala would then be ending just as soon. But his father came and found him, perched up against the wall, scolding him for being rude to the guests and delivering a walloping and hellish smack to the back of Chanyeol's head.
Chanyeol couldn't bitch about it either or he'd receive another one. So, he opted to suck it up and follow after his father again- greeting guests that he could even care less about. He didn't want to even be here, he'd rather be out with his friends- drinking, or with his slutty girlfriend. He always got his way when he was with her, because she wanted him to buy her things. He only bought her things to keep her from telling his father that he actually preferred men. He hated her; he hated the way she found out. He couldn't stand to look her in the face when they had sex. He always shoved her face in the bed and told her never to make a sound. And she obeyed, because Chanyeol bought her expensive things: diamond necklaces, Swarovski crystal shoes, anything she wanted really as long as she kept her whore mouth shut.
Baekhyun lay on the sidewalk of that desolate road, his mind slowly fading into unconsciousness- not because he was tired, but because he was still heavily bleeding. And the rain washing over the cuts only made it look worse as the blood seeped out onto the concrete. Baekhyun could no longer focus his eyes as he gazed up at the dark clouds- crying for the pain he'd caused himself. He was dying now- slowly and painfully, he knew that much as the pain slowly began to fade to numbness. Everything was numb again. He couldn't feel the cold water of the rain soaking his clothes anymore. He couldn't feel the rain at all anymore. His body had quit shivering as he closed his eyes, tilting his head up to the sky- waiting for the end of Byun Baekhyun. The end of his existence.
Chanyeol huffed when his father finally announced he was the sole heir to the corporation and that he was being groomed for the day that he finally took possession of Park Industries. Chanyeol then forced a smile as he stood to go up on stage with his father- everyone clapping and cheering him on. He hated every lasts person in this building as he took the mic from his father. Even from an arm's length distance, Chanyeol still towered over his father. "Thank you everyone who came out to support me here today! I'm so very thankful that you all could make it on this special occasion, and I look forward to the future. I plan to do big things within the corporation that my father, here, would be proud of. Hopefully, you all will see me as a successful heir to the corporation and will continue to support me! Thank you all again for coming," he announced, his smile large and effulgent as he waved good-bye to all of his guests.
After his speech, he left the stage and didn't stop when he got to his seat. He continued walking, until he could get out of that suffocating building- away from all those fake people who only suck up to you for money. Leeches, Chanyeol thought angrily as he stormed outside. It was raining, and he didn't have an umbrella, but he didn't care. He wanted to get away from there, wanted to get away from those people.
He didn't know where he was going, and he could feel the heavy rain starting to soak through his clothes, his body shivering involuntarily as he continued to stalk down the street. He stopped short when he saw someone lying on the concrete across the way, motionless. He thought it was a woman with her delicate features and all, he thought she was dead. But as he approached closer to her, he could see that she was actually a he, and he could see that he was still breathing- although labored, though his eyes were closed. He couldn't tell who it was at the moment; they seemed so frail and weak, their face excruciatingly pale. He didn't see the blood that seeped out onto the concrete for the rain kept washing it away, and so he continued on without a care.
But he stopped short again, hesitant to keep walking as he glanced back at the man. The man was still motionless, his breathing still quite labored as he continued to lay there, his eyes remaining shut. Chanyeol stormed back up to the man, and kicked him in his side. "If you're seeking attention, you're in the wrong place. Nobody is going to come looking for you here, drama queen," he stated, snidely as he crossed his arms over his chest. But when the man's eyes fluttered open, he was face to face with Baekhyun. And he quit looking as snide as he knelt down next to Baekhyun's weak body. "Oh, dude. I'm sorry; I thought you were someone else," he stuttered, trying to come up with a legitimate excuse.
Baekhyun's nimble and lithe hand slowly- and delicately reached up, grabbing Chanyeol's arm. "Please… help me," he stated, weakly, his head reeling. Chanyeol scoffed, brushing Baekhyun's hand off his arm. "Why should I help you," he asked, but nobody was listening as Baekhyun fell unconscious.
Chanyeol looked panicked as he shoved Baekhyun playfully. "Quit joking with me. Come on, up and at them. Get up," he finally cried out, shaking Baekhyun's body violently. But Baekhyun wasn't responding, in fact he was unresponsive to everything around him it seemed. And finally Chanyeol could tell Baekhyun wasn't breathing anymore. Even more panicked- and wondering how long he'd been out here in the pouring rain- he picked Baekhyun's limp body up and carried him off to the nearest hospital. There, they resurrected Baekhyun- the doctor becoming frustrated and slammed his fist into Baekhyun's chest; they stitched up his wounds again, wrapping bandages around the area tightly, gave him a blood transfusion, and kept him over night to make sure he was stable.
Not once did Chanyeol leave his side, actually showing worry for Baekhyun, who he thought was attacked by some rabid animal. He held Baekhyun's hand gently, though Baekhyun still wasn't conscious to anything going on around him.
Baekhyun woke several days later, in an empty hospital room, and he cursed under his breath. Someone saved him again. He stared at his hand, warmth pulsating around that one hand. It had to have been someone with warm and gentle hands, caring for him. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been one of the most electrifying feelings that had coursed through his body while he was unconscious.
He glanced up to see a tired looking Chanyeol standing in the doorway, staring at him as he stared at his hand. He was confused as to why that pompous asshole was even here. He didn't give two shits about anyone, let alone Baekhyun. Chanyeol sauntered up to the bed side with a smirk tugging at his lips. "Looks like the nerd was attacked on his way home from school," he stated, smugly. But Baekhyun looked down, refusing to let any tears fall from his eyes because of this inhuman monster. When suddenly, Chanyeol's shoulders slumped as he sighed heavily. "Look, I'm sorry. I really was worried about you. They said you could have died," Chanyeol stated, scared. He would never admit it aloud, but he would have cried if Baekhyun had died. Because he felt something when he was holding his hand, something he'd never felt before. And if Baekhyun was gone before Chanyeol could even get to know what that feeling was; it'd rip his soul apart for he'd never get a chance to feel that electrifying feeling again. He glanced down at Baekhyun, who was staring wide eyed at Chanyeol. He remained emotionless in his face, his eye twinkling with curiosity as he stared at Chanyeol.
Chanyeol never offered to invite people to his house, hell his five friends hadn't even been in his house. But there were always exceptions and Byun Baekhyun was an exception. "What were you doing out on the street like that anyway," he asked, nonchalantly. Baekhyun didn't answer him. I have no home anymore, his eyes flashed quickly the emotion he should have been feeling and his answer. And Chanyeol didn't quite catch it, but he got the jist of it. "I see. That's unfortunate. Did your parents abandon you," he asked, wondering why Baekhyun could just answer him. Yes, they did. They hate me now… Baekhyun's eyes betrayed him as he tried to keep that information to himself. But still no tear fell, not even a whimper of abandonment. Just blankness and emotionlessness.
Chanyeol found Baekhyun very weird, but also very intriguing in his method of communication. "You talked to me earlier. Why can't you talk to me now? I liked your voice," he stated, softly as he stared into Baekhyun's eyes. "It was beautiful sounding, like… a sweet melody from a song."
Baekhyun flushed bright red. He'd never heard anyone say that about his voice at all. He hadn't heard a nice comment about himself for years actually, and it made him actually feel something. Something fuzzy inside his heart as he looked down again. "Thank you," he stated very softly as he glanced back up at Chanyeol. Now, Chanyeol was blushing as their eyes made contact. "Oh, uh, you're welcome. But since you don't have a place to go anymore, why not come live with me," he stated, nonchalantly. He didn't want to admit that he actually wanted Baekhyun to say yes as he stared at him expectantly. But he also didn't want the boy to be homeless.
Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol, shell-shocked as he continued to stare. "I couldn't possibly. I really don't want to be a burden to you," he finally answered, looking down again. Chanyeol thought Baekhyun was going to cry every time he looked down, he just looked so lonely and devoid of any emotions. "I insist," Chanyeol stated, yanking Baekhyun to his feet. "Today's the day you get discharged anyway. You have nowhere else to go. So, come with me," he insisted, dragging Baekhyun behind him and not taking no for an answer.
Hello! Please support this story!:D I did work very hard, and tried to put myself in the shoes of someone with Cotard's syndrome. It was one of the most challenging things to write, but I wanted to do it.:) I want to show that I'm not a terrible writer and only stick to what I know best. I did a lot of reseach for this as well as started writing it the same night. And while I was writing it, I made the cover photo too.:3 I suffer from insomnia and stay up for days doing stuff, so I had most of this done within a days worth of time,:) But either way, I hope you enjoy it!:D