Vanfanfic Mailing List: Memoirs
By Rift
Pheer My Leet Skillz: This is, obviously, a fanfic about all the authors in the Vanfanfic Mailing List at Yahoo. This is planned to be an on-going project with multiple chapters, each chapter either featuring a new author newly swept into the fray or a subject me and my colleagues could think up. Suggestions are greatly encouraged, if not needed - send 'em along with your review.
Why do this, you ask? So as to show the whole fanfic.net community we're not just sitting around looking SMART - we're trying to immortalize a great anime here. Oh, and net some new blood in the process. Bwehehehehe.
And so the rabbi said to the nun: Vandread belongs to Gonzo. Authors and their likenesses, monikers and personalities belong to their own respective minds. This fic belongs to Rift Industries. Remember that this is made just for the fun of it - we're not directly hitting anybody with insults here.
Well, check that. Except for that Pak The Sound Of The Silent Sniper guy. I never liked him.
Ja!
Rift
Scene One:
Morning. The Vanfanfic Corporation Building - a place only the most refined, most talented of authors can enter to compare and read finely-written prose about Vandread. Near the entrance we could see many authors, experienced and newbie, young and...not-so-young milling around, talking to themselves, scribbling into notebooks and palmtops. But all have one thing in common: to finally get the coveted title of being a Vanfanfic Mailing List Author.
Which would only require one to sign up, but what the hey. People are lazy nowadays.
And sitting near the Nirvana Zen Fountain that decorates the front, grassy lawn of the building, we see four young authors - each bearing the Vanfanfic insignia pin on their business suits. One is lazily typing into his laptop, two are fighting over cookies and one is busily smoking a cigarette, puffing-puffing.
Eagle:*frantically trying to reach the cookie shadowD is waving at her* Mou! shadowD-san! If you don't give me that cookie right now I'll...
shadowD:*leering* You'll what? *waving cookie in front of eagle's nose* Kochi, kochi! Come get the delicious cookie!
Eagle:*frustrated* SHADOWD!! Hidoi! Rift-kun, can you help me with...
Rift:*typing, one key at a time, muching lazily into a tuna sandwich* If you do not deliver three million to the swiss bank account I stated earlier AND a good review to an author's fic of my choice, I promise that something VERY bad will happen. Not now, not next week. But when you least expect it. P.S. I know people. Bad people. Who like to break things. Big things. No one will ever find your corpse. Ja ne. *looks up to Eagle* Hmm? You were saying something?
shadowD/eagle:*sweatdropping at what Rift had just typed and said* Uh....nai...eheheheh....
Rift:*seeing the cookie* Ah, sou. Well, fight amongst yourselves, but please let me out of it. *turns to keyboard and begins typing again* I'm in the middle of work.
Eagle:*whispering to shadowD* What's with Rift?
shadowD:*whispering back* What? What's wrong?
Eagle: Look, no psychodementia. No urge to destroy everything in sight. Hell, you haven't even been hit ONCE by a fan.
shadowD:*thoughtfully* You have a point there.. Hmm...oh, yeah. Rift just drank coffee a few minutes ago, so everything's in the green.
Eagle:*nodding* Sou, sou. Oh, and...
shadowD: What?
Eagle: SNATCH! *grabs cookie from shadowD's hand, and leaps away* Yosha!
shadowD: HEY!
Eagle:*with light blazing behind her, Ala Mario Sunshine* COOKIE....*raises cookie in air with one hand*...GET!
shadowD: Why you....*reaches into his pocket*
Enishi:*puffing on her cigarette* Uh oh. This could get ugly.
Rift:*seeing shadowD* Enishi, my attache case, please.
Enishi: Hai hai.
shadowD:*bringing out, of all things, a POKEBALL from his pocket* You'll pay for that!
Rift:*smiling* Arigato! *humming a dirge cheerfully, unlocking the case and opening it*
Enishi:*grinning* Doitashimashite.
Eagle:*talking with her mouth full of cookie, thus spraying Rift with cookie bits* HA! You and what army?
shadowD: THIS! *throws pokeball in front of eagle* Dark Scizor, I CHOOSE YOU!
Eagle:*aghast* S..Sonna...
shadowD:(cheesy, exaggerated one-liner mode) Now you shall feel my awesome, sexy power! Scizor! CUT ATTACK!
Scizor: Scizorrr! *launches itself at eagle, claws ready*
Rift:*brushing away any cookie crumbs* If you could kindly do the honors.
Enishi:*smiling* Gladly. *clasps hands, and starts chanting*
Eagle:*arms coming up to defend herself* IYAA! DAME -
Enishi:*opening eyes, and pointing to the Scizor* AKAI TENJO!!
shadowD: WHAT?!
Eagle:*cringes, then realizes that nothing's happened to her* Are?
*At that instant, about a dozen or so scrolls - all the same, with ominous black kanji scribbled all over them - flew from Enishi's backpack and straight up to the Scizor, binding it claw and foot*
Enishi:winking at Rift* Your turn.
Rift:*spinning two oversized handguns, namely Ebony and Ivory from Devil May Cry, one in each hand* Heh. Time to go to work, guys. *aims at the Scizor in midair*
Enishi:*grinning, covering her ears* Looks like we have a winner.
shadowD:*aghast, in slow motion* N-O-O-O-O-Ooooooo.....
Rift: Jackpot. *begins firing*
Scizor: EEP! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*
Eagle:*sweatdopping* Ehehehe....um...Rift?
Rift:*lowering one pistol* Devil Trigger..*charges for a final shot, purple elemental lightning going from arm to gun* Swicchi - ON! *fires a shot of pure electricity at the Scizor in midair*
Scizor:*swirly-eyed* Scizorscizorscizor...*gets fried by the lightning shot* SCIZOOOORRRR!
Enishi: Hee...sugoi desu ne... Definitely a nice shot.
shadowD:*kneeling on the ground* No...no...
Eagle: Yatta! *hugging Rift by the neck* Arigato!
Rift: Um, hai. *turning to shadowD* You know the ground rules, shadowD. No pokemon inside the compound or OUT. Besides - *placing the guns back into the attache case* -you know EXACTLY how I feel about Pokemon.
shadowD:*enraged* BUT RIFT! That was a level 100 Scizor I just trained! You didn't have to -
Enishi: But we did. *stuffing the many scrolls of the Evil Sutra into her backpack* Well,
unfortunately, it didn't seem Level 100 to us. Oh, and...*tosses a pokeball with the fainted Scizor inside* I think this belongs to you.
shadowD:*teary-eyed* Sonna...Scizor...*hangs head* Yappari. Failed. Again.
Rift:*clapping shadowD on the back* There, there, Pokemon Master. There's always next time. *turning back to laptop* Sou ka. Where was I? Hmm...now where do I click...sou. Checkku Mail, checkku...
Enishi:*peering over Rift's shoulder* Wow. That's some nice porno you have there.
Rift: Porno. Riiiight. *clicking at a Gun Magazine Website* Yeah, I guess it is pretty hot. Oh, wait a minute. *reaches into attache case, and pulls out a cookie* Eagle-kun!
Eagle: Hai?
Rift: Cookie. *throws it toward her*
Eagle: GIMME! *catches it*
Ktx:*coming into the scene* Hey guys. What's -*looks at a typing Rift, an Eagle happily munching on a cookie, an irate Enishi trying to stuff the Sutra of Evil into her backpack and a skulking shadowD* - up?
Enishi:*zipping her bag up* Oh, nothing you need to know.
Ktx:*seeing the still-smoking bullet casings on the ground* So you say...
Eagle:*swallowing* Etto...shadowD-san attacked me with one of his pokemon again, but Rift and Enishi blew it away. In style. *grins*
Ktx:*freaking out* AGAIN?!
Rift:*tapping away at laptop* Most people call it stubborness. Others, persistence. I call it gluttony for punishment.
Ktx: Demo....Grounds Regulation thirteen-thirty-two...
Enishi:*puffing on her cigarette* We know. He knows. Still the boy persists. *looking down at the sulking shadowD* Ne, do you really want to lose both the Pokemon Cup Championship AND the membership THAT bad? If this gets out...
shadowD: Heck no! *dusting himself off as he gets up* Besides, there's always next time-*WHAP*
HEY! *turns abruptly to Rift* YOU!
Rift:*still tapping away* Hai?
shadowD:*blinking* Oh. Nothing. *turns, and sees Enishi* YOU!!
Enishi:*stubbing out her spent cigarette* What?
shadowD:*sweatdropping* Oh. Um, my bad. *turns to Eagle, who's hiding a large metal fan behind her back, grinning* You....
Enishi: You were off guard. She HAD to do it. *giggles*
Ktx: Oh, good one, Eagle-kun. *high-fives Eagle*
Rift: Don't you remember me giving Enishi the fan after the last time we talked?
shadowD: Oh. Right. *rubbing his head* I remember...
Eagle: You'd better - because if you attack me with another one of your pokemon again I'll hit you so hard you'd have permanent fan face - *brandishing fan threateningly at shadowD* and then I'll shove it right up your -
shadowD: OH YEAH?! *preparing to take out another PokeBall* I OUGHTA -
Ktx:*coughing* Ehem.
*At that instant, a Lincoln Stretch Towncar with the vanity plate 'BIGHONCHO' pulls up at the driveway of the Vanfanfic Corporation building. The door opens, and out steps Ender, President and Founder of Vanfanfic Inc. Fans and newbie authors quickly surround him, asking questions and reviews for their work - Ender just smiles and works his way through the crowd, to shadowD and the others.*
Rift:*standing up and closing laptop* Let's go, men. *Eagle and Enishi glares at him* Uh, women included. *coughs*
Eagle: Hai hai...*brushes imaginary lint from her dress*
Enishi: *popping a breath mint, and sees Rift looking at her* What? I don't want to smell like cigarette smoke. That's all.
Rift: So you say...
shadowD:*re-adjusts his tie* All set.
Ktx: Hai hai...*sighs* Let's get this over with, shall we?
Ender:*arriving* Hey, everyone.
Minna: Osu.
Ender:*looking around* Everything all right here?
Eagle:*piping up* Er, shadowD-*gets elbowed in the ribs* OW! Hey!
shadowD: Um, hai. More or less. Right, guys?
Rift:*shrugging* Maa, ii.
Ktx: Fine, fine...
Enishi: Whatever.
Ender: Really now....well, into the conference room, everyone.
I've got an announcement I have to make.
Rift:*munching cookies along with eagle* You're getting married?
Ender:*laughing* Well, no, I -
Eagle: You're going to switch courses?
Ender:*frowning* I'd rather not. But I really -
Enishi: You're getting a nose job?
Ender: No, I'm not...*facepalms* Look! Just get into the building and wait in the conference room, okay? Clear?
All except Ender: Hai hai...
Silence.
Rift: Do what now?
Ender:*pissed* YOU HEARD ME!
All except Ender:*scared* H-hai! *runs into the building*
Ender:*sighing* Mortals. Tsk. *Meia taps his shoulder from behind* Eh?
Meia:*handing Ender a martini* Your drink, *sir*.
Ender:*looks blankly at her, then laughs* Meia-san! I forgot all about the bet...what was it? Personal attendant for a whole month?
Meia:*fuming* How was I supposed to know you were that good at playing poker? God, I shouldn't have let Gascogne challenge me into taking you on...
Ender: Well, you people were pretty bored up in Nirvana, were you?
Meia: I guess so. *sighs* Maa, ii. At least it's not so bad - no Misty for a whole month! I mean, I know she means well, but...*shudders*
Ender:*swallowing martini* Oh, it is bad, when you have a job like mine. That's why I need the alcohol.
Meia:*seeing the authors bicker in the lobby* I can see that. *both laugh, and step into the building*
***
Tsuzuku...To Be Continued, dummy.
Pant...pant....FIRST CHAPTER COMPLETED!!
Thanks goes to shadowD and Eagle for convincing me to make this fic...you guys are absolutely insane...but I guess we all are. :D Love ya.
By Rift
Pheer My Leet Skillz: This is, obviously, a fanfic about all the authors in the Vanfanfic Mailing List at Yahoo. This is planned to be an on-going project with multiple chapters, each chapter either featuring a new author newly swept into the fray or a subject me and my colleagues could think up. Suggestions are greatly encouraged, if not needed - send 'em along with your review.
Why do this, you ask? So as to show the whole fanfic.net community we're not just sitting around looking SMART - we're trying to immortalize a great anime here. Oh, and net some new blood in the process. Bwehehehehe.
And so the rabbi said to the nun: Vandread belongs to Gonzo. Authors and their likenesses, monikers and personalities belong to their own respective minds. This fic belongs to Rift Industries. Remember that this is made just for the fun of it - we're not directly hitting anybody with insults here.
Well, check that. Except for that Pak The Sound Of The Silent Sniper guy. I never liked him.
Ja!
Rift
Scene One:
Morning. The Vanfanfic Corporation Building - a place only the most refined, most talented of authors can enter to compare and read finely-written prose about Vandread. Near the entrance we could see many authors, experienced and newbie, young and...not-so-young milling around, talking to themselves, scribbling into notebooks and palmtops. But all have one thing in common: to finally get the coveted title of being a Vanfanfic Mailing List Author.
Which would only require one to sign up, but what the hey. People are lazy nowadays.
And sitting near the Nirvana Zen Fountain that decorates the front, grassy lawn of the building, we see four young authors - each bearing the Vanfanfic insignia pin on their business suits. One is lazily typing into his laptop, two are fighting over cookies and one is busily smoking a cigarette, puffing-puffing.
Eagle:*frantically trying to reach the cookie shadowD is waving at her* Mou! shadowD-san! If you don't give me that cookie right now I'll...
shadowD:*leering* You'll what? *waving cookie in front of eagle's nose* Kochi, kochi! Come get the delicious cookie!
Eagle:*frustrated* SHADOWD!! Hidoi! Rift-kun, can you help me with...
Rift:*typing, one key at a time, muching lazily into a tuna sandwich* If you do not deliver three million to the swiss bank account I stated earlier AND a good review to an author's fic of my choice, I promise that something VERY bad will happen. Not now, not next week. But when you least expect it. P.S. I know people. Bad people. Who like to break things. Big things. No one will ever find your corpse. Ja ne. *looks up to Eagle* Hmm? You were saying something?
shadowD/eagle:*sweatdropping at what Rift had just typed and said* Uh....nai...eheheheh....
Rift:*seeing the cookie* Ah, sou. Well, fight amongst yourselves, but please let me out of it. *turns to keyboard and begins typing again* I'm in the middle of work.
Eagle:*whispering to shadowD* What's with Rift?
shadowD:*whispering back* What? What's wrong?
Eagle: Look, no psychodementia. No urge to destroy everything in sight. Hell, you haven't even been hit ONCE by a fan.
shadowD:*thoughtfully* You have a point there.. Hmm...oh, yeah. Rift just drank coffee a few minutes ago, so everything's in the green.
Eagle:*nodding* Sou, sou. Oh, and...
shadowD: What?
Eagle: SNATCH! *grabs cookie from shadowD's hand, and leaps away* Yosha!
shadowD: HEY!
Eagle:*with light blazing behind her, Ala Mario Sunshine* COOKIE....*raises cookie in air with one hand*...GET!
shadowD: Why you....*reaches into his pocket*
Enishi:*puffing on her cigarette* Uh oh. This could get ugly.
Rift:*seeing shadowD* Enishi, my attache case, please.
Enishi: Hai hai.
shadowD:*bringing out, of all things, a POKEBALL from his pocket* You'll pay for that!
Rift:*smiling* Arigato! *humming a dirge cheerfully, unlocking the case and opening it*
Enishi:*grinning* Doitashimashite.
Eagle:*talking with her mouth full of cookie, thus spraying Rift with cookie bits* HA! You and what army?
shadowD: THIS! *throws pokeball in front of eagle* Dark Scizor, I CHOOSE YOU!
Eagle:*aghast* S..Sonna...
shadowD:(cheesy, exaggerated one-liner mode) Now you shall feel my awesome, sexy power! Scizor! CUT ATTACK!
Scizor: Scizorrr! *launches itself at eagle, claws ready*
Rift:*brushing away any cookie crumbs* If you could kindly do the honors.
Enishi:*smiling* Gladly. *clasps hands, and starts chanting*
Eagle:*arms coming up to defend herself* IYAA! DAME -
Enishi:*opening eyes, and pointing to the Scizor* AKAI TENJO!!
shadowD: WHAT?!
Eagle:*cringes, then realizes that nothing's happened to her* Are?
*At that instant, about a dozen or so scrolls - all the same, with ominous black kanji scribbled all over them - flew from Enishi's backpack and straight up to the Scizor, binding it claw and foot*
Enishi:winking at Rift* Your turn.
Rift:*spinning two oversized handguns, namely Ebony and Ivory from Devil May Cry, one in each hand* Heh. Time to go to work, guys. *aims at the Scizor in midair*
Enishi:*grinning, covering her ears* Looks like we have a winner.
shadowD:*aghast, in slow motion* N-O-O-O-O-Ooooooo.....
Rift: Jackpot. *begins firing*
Scizor: EEP! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*
Eagle:*sweatdopping* Ehehehe....um...Rift?
Rift:*lowering one pistol* Devil Trigger..*charges for a final shot, purple elemental lightning going from arm to gun* Swicchi - ON! *fires a shot of pure electricity at the Scizor in midair*
Scizor:*swirly-eyed* Scizorscizorscizor...*gets fried by the lightning shot* SCIZOOOORRRR!
Enishi: Hee...sugoi desu ne... Definitely a nice shot.
shadowD:*kneeling on the ground* No...no...
Eagle: Yatta! *hugging Rift by the neck* Arigato!
Rift: Um, hai. *turning to shadowD* You know the ground rules, shadowD. No pokemon inside the compound or OUT. Besides - *placing the guns back into the attache case* -you know EXACTLY how I feel about Pokemon.
shadowD:*enraged* BUT RIFT! That was a level 100 Scizor I just trained! You didn't have to -
Enishi: But we did. *stuffing the many scrolls of the Evil Sutra into her backpack* Well,
unfortunately, it didn't seem Level 100 to us. Oh, and...*tosses a pokeball with the fainted Scizor inside* I think this belongs to you.
shadowD:*teary-eyed* Sonna...Scizor...*hangs head* Yappari. Failed. Again.
Rift:*clapping shadowD on the back* There, there, Pokemon Master. There's always next time. *turning back to laptop* Sou ka. Where was I? Hmm...now where do I click...sou. Checkku Mail, checkku...
Enishi:*peering over Rift's shoulder* Wow. That's some nice porno you have there.
Rift: Porno. Riiiight. *clicking at a Gun Magazine Website* Yeah, I guess it is pretty hot. Oh, wait a minute. *reaches into attache case, and pulls out a cookie* Eagle-kun!
Eagle: Hai?
Rift: Cookie. *throws it toward her*
Eagle: GIMME! *catches it*
Ktx:*coming into the scene* Hey guys. What's -*looks at a typing Rift, an Eagle happily munching on a cookie, an irate Enishi trying to stuff the Sutra of Evil into her backpack and a skulking shadowD* - up?
Enishi:*zipping her bag up* Oh, nothing you need to know.
Ktx:*seeing the still-smoking bullet casings on the ground* So you say...
Eagle:*swallowing* Etto...shadowD-san attacked me with one of his pokemon again, but Rift and Enishi blew it away. In style. *grins*
Ktx:*freaking out* AGAIN?!
Rift:*tapping away at laptop* Most people call it stubborness. Others, persistence. I call it gluttony for punishment.
Ktx: Demo....Grounds Regulation thirteen-thirty-two...
Enishi:*puffing on her cigarette* We know. He knows. Still the boy persists. *looking down at the sulking shadowD* Ne, do you really want to lose both the Pokemon Cup Championship AND the membership THAT bad? If this gets out...
shadowD: Heck no! *dusting himself off as he gets up* Besides, there's always next time-*WHAP*
HEY! *turns abruptly to Rift* YOU!
Rift:*still tapping away* Hai?
shadowD:*blinking* Oh. Nothing. *turns, and sees Enishi* YOU!!
Enishi:*stubbing out her spent cigarette* What?
shadowD:*sweatdropping* Oh. Um, my bad. *turns to Eagle, who's hiding a large metal fan behind her back, grinning* You....
Enishi: You were off guard. She HAD to do it. *giggles*
Ktx: Oh, good one, Eagle-kun. *high-fives Eagle*
Rift: Don't you remember me giving Enishi the fan after the last time we talked?
shadowD: Oh. Right. *rubbing his head* I remember...
Eagle: You'd better - because if you attack me with another one of your pokemon again I'll hit you so hard you'd have permanent fan face - *brandishing fan threateningly at shadowD* and then I'll shove it right up your -
shadowD: OH YEAH?! *preparing to take out another PokeBall* I OUGHTA -
Ktx:*coughing* Ehem.
*At that instant, a Lincoln Stretch Towncar with the vanity plate 'BIGHONCHO' pulls up at the driveway of the Vanfanfic Corporation building. The door opens, and out steps Ender, President and Founder of Vanfanfic Inc. Fans and newbie authors quickly surround him, asking questions and reviews for their work - Ender just smiles and works his way through the crowd, to shadowD and the others.*
Rift:*standing up and closing laptop* Let's go, men. *Eagle and Enishi glares at him* Uh, women included. *coughs*
Eagle: Hai hai...*brushes imaginary lint from her dress*
Enishi: *popping a breath mint, and sees Rift looking at her* What? I don't want to smell like cigarette smoke. That's all.
Rift: So you say...
shadowD:*re-adjusts his tie* All set.
Ktx: Hai hai...*sighs* Let's get this over with, shall we?
Ender:*arriving* Hey, everyone.
Minna: Osu.
Ender:*looking around* Everything all right here?
Eagle:*piping up* Er, shadowD-*gets elbowed in the ribs* OW! Hey!
shadowD: Um, hai. More or less. Right, guys?
Rift:*shrugging* Maa, ii.
Ktx: Fine, fine...
Enishi: Whatever.
Ender: Really now....well, into the conference room, everyone.
I've got an announcement I have to make.
Rift:*munching cookies along with eagle* You're getting married?
Ender:*laughing* Well, no, I -
Eagle: You're going to switch courses?
Ender:*frowning* I'd rather not. But I really -
Enishi: You're getting a nose job?
Ender: No, I'm not...*facepalms* Look! Just get into the building and wait in the conference room, okay? Clear?
All except Ender: Hai hai...
Silence.
Rift: Do what now?
Ender:*pissed* YOU HEARD ME!
All except Ender:*scared* H-hai! *runs into the building*
Ender:*sighing* Mortals. Tsk. *Meia taps his shoulder from behind* Eh?
Meia:*handing Ender a martini* Your drink, *sir*.
Ender:*looks blankly at her, then laughs* Meia-san! I forgot all about the bet...what was it? Personal attendant for a whole month?
Meia:*fuming* How was I supposed to know you were that good at playing poker? God, I shouldn't have let Gascogne challenge me into taking you on...
Ender: Well, you people were pretty bored up in Nirvana, were you?
Meia: I guess so. *sighs* Maa, ii. At least it's not so bad - no Misty for a whole month! I mean, I know she means well, but...*shudders*
Ender:*swallowing martini* Oh, it is bad, when you have a job like mine. That's why I need the alcohol.
Meia:*seeing the authors bicker in the lobby* I can see that. *both laugh, and step into the building*
***
Tsuzuku...To Be Continued, dummy.
Pant...pant....FIRST CHAPTER COMPLETED!!
Thanks goes to shadowD and Eagle for convincing me to make this fic...you guys are absolutely insane...but I guess we all are. :D Love ya.