~Confirmation~

Gateau knelt in front of Marron, still struck by awe by the potential that sat on the bed in front of him. Even sat there simply, there seemed something about Marron more languid than usual; the small shrug of his shoulders as he pressed his fingers into the bedsheets with idle pressure and the way his hair fell as he glanced from one side to the other, present in the moment without seeming to feel it. Gateau didn't mind that. There was something about this moment that felt special and if only he felt it, then that was fine. He'd take that feeling and store it and hope that one day he could produce it again and share it to mutual understanding.

All of the casual flirting fell to ruin against Marron's agreement. Gateau remembered that moment too, the throwaway comment followed by Marron's voice in an even tone, "Alright."

"-- What?"

A palpable tension as they weighed up the balance of the situation. Marron gauging Gateau's reaction. Gateau trying to understand Marron's own. Marron's hand reaching out to Gateau's face, tracing fingers along his jawline.

"I'm saying 'yes', Gateau."

Somewhere inbetween those words, nothing and everything changed both at once. Doubt changed to certainty mellowed into a new set of confusions. Marron didn't lie and Gateau had never encountered anybody more sincere, but he'd still find himself watching Marron in the quiet moments and wondering.

He didn't have to steal hurried glances anymore, though. That beautiful person was the one looking at him now, sat on the bed with an unmoving expression. (What are you waiting for?)

"You're sure about this?" Gateau didn't like the hesitation in his voice but couldn't help it.

"I wouldn't have given my consent in the first place if I hadn't meant it, Gateau."

Gateau couldn't hide the question from his eyes and this seemed to make Marron smile. He pushed himself gently away from the bed and moved to kneel in front of Gateau in turn, reaching to cup his cheek.

"I'm sure."

And Marron was sure, of many things. He was sure of Gateau's strength and protection, his gentle and decisive nature (when he wasn't showing off). He knew that he could trust Gateau to the end of his life and beyond, he knew that Gateau brought a lighter balance to his life that he thought he wanted. That he knew he needed. He smiled at Gateau and agreed without indecision and that was because this wasn't a lie, not in the strict sense of the word. There was something appealing about the dichotomy of their interaction, of how Gateau would be convinced of his strength and determination to be relied on but then in the quiet moments, he'd look to Marron just to make sure. Marron didn't blame him. Years of flirtation with barely any response and then from nowhere, casual acceptance. And why not? Marron knew people to get together on less history (and more inebriation), so why not? Especially compared to Tira and Chocolat's treatment of Carrot, a relationship with any kind of balance seemed normal.

(You need this.)

(Nights spent watching Carrot's sleeping back in the bed opposite. Watching his form raise and fall under the sheets. Eyes wide because he couldn't look away.)

(In that relationship was the indulgence, the need, the want, the desperation. Feelings that raged because they were kept hidden because he can't know, I won't let him.)

(He couldn't lie, but everything seemed built on such fragile foundations. The unintended double meaning of everything, the guilty pleasure of keeping a secret. The knowledge of this being wrong and if it's wrong, then I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, then everything about me is wrong and he could stop at any time because I realise that this is childish and immature, that this is not what I should be feeling.) (So stop feeling it.) (Knowing the reason and the theory didn't always translate into the practice.) (It was wrong to indulge in those thoughts, but to do that was to make it feel worse and to make it feel worse made it feel better, in a strange kind of way. Writing it all off as being forbidden seemed to justify it, in a way. Marron blamed himself and so this is my punishment. Punishment was never meant to be easy.)

(Punishment for what?)

(For spoiling something pure.)

Carrot would look at him with open love and trust and Marron would look away, acknowledging it and twisting it against him. Because Carrot has no idea. Because he'd never suspect.

Because to break that would be to break everything.

(To be punished was one thing, but that was something else.)

Gateau didn't suspect either, or at least if he did, he didn't say anything. He looked to Marron for confirmation, confirmation that Marron freely granted. Because that was easier than the opposite. Because this wasn't a lie, this was just shielding him front the truth. Because this was normal and proper and when Gateau looked at him with that same kind of open expression, Marron would touch Gateau and register that he was real and know that this was a gaze he didn't have to look away from. Because this was something he could indulge himself in.

Carrot had taken Marron to one side sometime afterward, once they all knew. They stood by a river in silence, a silence that Marron allowed because moments like this held a sweetness he didn't want to disturb, because Carrot wanted to say something and he didn't want to hurry him, because these moments of expectation brought a nervous feeling he didn't have at any other time. When Carrot's expression was pensive like that. When he would start words without finishing them, when for once he didn't want to speak without thinking. These moments where every word counted for something, and Marron saw that same need for confirmation.

"You... don't mind, do you?"

"Niisan?"

"Gateau, I mean. You don't... mind him, do you?"

"... I think it would be unfair to say only that I didn't mind him, would it not?"

An unsure smile, "... Yeah, you're right."

Another silence.

"Niisan, are you trying to say... that you mind?"

"No, no, nothing like that! I just want to make sure about you, that's all! You know, being my precious little brother and everything. Can't I worry about you sometimes? Ahaha..." Carrot laughed, but Marron didn't feel it.

"... You are sure though, aren't you? About wanting to be with Gateau, I mean."

"I'm sure, niisan."

(Not every relationship lasts forever, niisan.)

A nod that didn't seem to confirm anything.

"You do love him, then?"

Marron loved to see the side of Carrot that still relied on moral guidance. Did he love all of those women he chased after? He might have said so, but Marron held his doubts. He had his own theories behind the reasoning for his brother's behaviour, but in these quiet moments there was no need for that level of analysis. However, that left merely the question itself, said almost as an aside.

(Covering the truth is one thing, but...)

The question set a mental panic that delayed and betrayed Marron, just by a few seconds. Hesitation said everything that Carrot wanted to know and he couldn't take that back. Marron hated the resigned tone in Carrot's voice as he spoke again.

"Well... so long as you're happy, I guess."

Marron looked up at that, knowing that his own expression was as open as Carrot's own. Somewhere in his eyes he was broadcasting uncertainty because he couldn't hide that, not from Carrot. He couldn't hide anything from Carrot and that thought frightened him more than anything else. Carrot's own face was between worry and concern and Marron wondered what the source of these emotions was, but didn't say anything in reply. Carrot mumbled something about going back to the others and put his hand on Marron's shoulder and they made their way back to the camp.

Marron knew that Gateau knew nothing of such exchanges and so could keep that steady focus. He drew him close and kissed him, feeling the physical tension Gateau's doubt caused melting into acceptance as warm lips drove shadows away. Because this was pure as well, wasn't it? The relationship of two people. Marron leant back for a moment to see Gateau's eyes open, to really look at him. To see him as another person. To see him as another person who maybe didn't deserve all of this, but he didn't know and so they were safe, it was all safe (in that fragile kind of way). There was a safety about him that Marron liked. The novelty in the sensation of another person, novelty that turned to knowledge and comfort.

Everything else around him seemed to be in such simple terms. Carrot, despite his day-to-day behaviour, seemed to judge the depth of a relationship on love alone (whatever that entailed in his mind). Chocolat's sexual insistence on Carrot, Tira's quiet determination, Milphey's penchant for anything he considered cute enough for his attention. These people with straightforward desires, unafraid to express them in whatever way they felt necessary. Perhaps Carrot disapproved of the relationship with Gateau for that moment of hesitation alone, but Marron knew that he had his reasons. This wasn't about anything so simple as 'love', but he wasn't going to try to explain that.

When they'd told the others, it had been more or less as Marron had expected it to be. Carrot had been surprised, Chocolat and Tira had been overjoyed. Chocolat said that it was about time and Carrot set about shouting at Gateau for corrupting his little brother, if he was going to be a pervert then he'd better at least take care of him, that kind of veiled approval that Gateau had learnt enough to be able to interpret. He laughed and kept Carrot at arm's length and the atmosphere amongst them all had been easy that day. Even having told everybody about the situation, Gateau still seemed shy to show basic affection in front of the others (usually due to teasing from Chocolat) and Marron found this amusing for Gateau to be shy about anything at all until he looked to Carrot's direction, and then didn't try to encourage Gateau out of the habit. He didn't think that the others expected him to be open in his emotion either, and that was acceptable.

They'd lie in bed together, Gateau's breathing soft as he slept with his arms around Marron. Marron would lie awake and remember those nights in the same room as his brother, would compare that inevitable distance with this inevitable closeness. This wasn't unpleasant. He didn't dislike it. Perhaps he could even get used to it.

Isn't it sad that this is something that I could only say I wish to get used to?

Maybe.

Maybe that was just how things had to be, because despite the seeming simplicity of those emotions flying around him, Marron knew that no emotion was ever really so entirely simple. Everything had a reason and a motivation and some kind of need or want attached to it, surely. Marron wasn't sure what category this fell under. Wasn't sure what category Carrot fell under. Wasn't sure you could be so ruthless as to put people and relationships into categories. (Knew that he felt like he could, sometimes.)

He knew that there was the potential for this all to go wrong, for everything to go wrong; there had always been that potential, though. This relationship didn't change that, it only made the potential fallout more violent. Perhaps he'd end up dragging Gateau down with him.

(Or can you make me rise above this...?)

end