I'm baaack! So this is the first thing I've written in over a month. For McMuffin because if it wasn't for her I probably would've been done writing for good.
I don't own anything.
///
You watch his silhouette pass through the door and faintly, you think that everything you thought you knew about him is shattered because his ability to resist you was never this strong. It's easier for you to focus on the difference in him rather than the ache forming in your chest. You were never good at coming to terms with your feelings.
Your eyes are dry and your face is lacking emotion but your hands are shaking and your chest is tightening and you think that maybe the idea of him staying didn't only sound good because you were lonely.
He left without a last word, a soft kiss placed on your forehead and a withdrawn look in his eyes. You bit down on your lip to resist a murmured "Don't go" that was begging to escape. You sigh, your eyes focusing on the corner of the room where his suitcases formally resided. Maybe you're better off alone.
You stand up, wrapping the sheet around your body. It's not easy and it's anything but ideal but there are babies to be saved and lives to be lead and there's not enough time in a day to spend wallowing over yet another heartbreak. Especially when it's from the same man.
///
You're sitting on the cold white tile of the bathroom floor, eyes burning and legs shaking, the blue line throwing you into a frenzy of thoughts.
It's your dream.
So why does it feel so god damn wrong?
///
You keep it a secret a first, but you can only run out of rooms and excuse yourself from meetings to throw up so many times before it raises suspicion. Violet asks first, softly and carefully and everything like how a therapist would speak to someone mentally unstable. You don't answer. Maybe if you don't say it out loud it won't be real.
She steps in front of the door, forcing you to take a seat before she walks back over to her chair. "You need to talk about it, Addison. Hiding from it, it's not going to make anything any easier."
You shake your head, but realize that if anyone were to give solid advice about withdrawing yourself from a child's life, it'd be her. "I don't know," you say. "I don't know anything. It was all I wanted and now I'd do anything for it to just go away."
"Why do you think you're not happy about this?"
You shift in your seat and fiddle with your bracelet. "It's Mark's, and I, this has to be some horrible rude trick being played on me because I'm not supposed to be able to have kids, let alone his. Not again, not after I-"
She tilts her head, waiting for you to finish but you don't, "After you what?"
"Aborted his kid without even considering how he'd feel."
"Oh, Addison."
"Don't," you say, your eyes sharp. Don't give me that look that you give your patients and don't treat me like I'm sad, lonely, poor Addison. I did something that I shouldn't have done and apparently, watching my husband be in love with someone else, finding out I couldn't have kids, falling in love with a man who was married, and realizing my entire childhood was a lie isn't enough. So I get to pay for it with this."
"Is that what you think? That this child is some sort of bad karma for aborting his kid?"
"Yes," you mumble.
"Well, what about Mark? You're just not going to tell him about it?"
"I hadn't planned on it," you admit, "I think I'm saving him from me. He's a thousand times better off with that girl than he is with me. I- I break him. I break him, he breaks me, it's the way it works."
"You should tell him."
"What if I don't want to?"
She doesn't answer, and you sit back against the soft pillows before she stands up and heads towards the door. "Addison, did you ever think that maybe this is good karma? Maybe this is your way at finally getting happiness because of everything you had to go through… You should tell him."
///
Your body's wrapped in a silk robe, hiding all evidence of the barely-there bump forming on your stomach as you examine yourself in the mirror. Your now not-so-short red hair's spilling over your shoulders in loose, messy curls and you pull it up into a quick bun, glaring at yourself in disgust over your makeup. It's amazing how you let yourself come to this.
The doorbell rings, sending you out of all thoughts and you slowly make your way downstairs, pushing your bangs back before opening the door. You raise an eyebrow upon seeing him, but don't bother asking why he's here. Maybe he is still the Mark you once knew.
You're thrown back against the wall before you even have enough time to shut the door completely and he's tugging at your robe and his lips are pressing against your neck. You barely have the time to process what's happening before he brushes his fingers against you and you lose all train of thought.
Maybe quick, dirty sex is everything you need right now to make you feel alive. Maybe it isn't all bad that it's Mark who's giving it to you and maybe telling him won't be as hard as you thought.
///
You're sitting at the counter forcing spoonfuls of honey-nut cheerios into your mouth when he walks in.
"I don't know what I'm doing here," he starts, shaking his head slightly. "I think… I made a mistake. Back in New York you were about to marry Derek and I stood by and watched because what the hell kind of man would I have been to stand in between that? But damnit, Addison I couldn't- I can't ignore you. You're there even when you aren't and I know you better than anyone and the thought of you being with someone else… You hurt me, you hurt me to the point where I had to go to a freaking therapist and god damnit Addison, why can't I stop loving you?"
You stare at him, shutting your eyes slightly and taking in a deep breath. "Mark I-" your voice cracks. "I'm pregnant."
///
He reacts almost exactly like before and it's almost too much to handle and also enough to snap you out of your mildly depressed state at the same time.
"You're- you're keeping it, right?" he asks slowly, nervous of getting the answer he doesn't think he can take.
"Yeah, I'm keeping it." It's the first time you've said anything pertaining to how you feel about this pregnancy aside from with Violet and you smile.
He grins, unable to mask his excitement and kisses you softly on the lips. "Thank you."
You laugh. "For what?"
"For everything. You don't give yourself enough credit, Addison. You may be the only person capable of hurting me as bad as you do but you're also the only one who can make me feel this good."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. This baby- it isn't a bad thing. I know you think it is but it isn't, and as soon as you realize that it's okay to make mistakes you'll know. You aren't a horrible person."
///
He's lying next to you when the sun blasts through the curtains in your room the next morning. He wakes up and notices the loose tears falling from your eyes.
"Addie-"
"I'm fine," you cut him off.
"You're not fine."
"I am fine and it's none of your damn business if I'm not."
He sits up, narrowing his eyes and raising his voice. "Just tell me what the fuck is wrong Addison and don't do the thing where you always shut me out."
You glare, crossing your arms and reminding yourself that this is Mark after all and the sweet words wouldn't last forever. "I'm not shutting you out. Nothing is wrong." It's the last thing you say before you get out of bed and grab your stuff before heading to the bathroom.
///
"So I heard a crazy rumor," Naomi tells you with a raised eyebrow when you walk off the elevator.
"Go back to your practice."
"Funny. Now tell me what Mark Sloan has been doing at your house all weekend?"
You stop and turn to face her. "Nothing. Mark Sloan is doing nothing at my house, or with me. Got it?"
"Addison, does he know? About the baby, his baby, does he know?"
"Yes."
You walk off to your office, leaving her alone in the lobby and ignore the fact that your first appointment isn't for another three hours.
///
He knows what's wrong; he knows exactly what's wrong because it's the same as before. But the fact that he has to find a way to fix it scares the hell out of him.
He ends up in Violet's office because Naomi told him to go if he wanted any chance of not getting hurt for hurting her and who is he to disagree to that?
"I don't really know you- but you know Addison."
"Yes. I do." She says, examining Mark head-to-toe.
"I don't know how to handle this, because the last time I did- well, obviously it didn't work."
"She's fragile."
"You think I don't know that?" He nearly screams. "Sorry."
"Don't be sorry. You have to let it all out."
"It's just- I know her. Better than anyone, even her ex-husband. For five years he was barely there and I always knew what to do and now… I have no idea. I'm so lost."
"She's thinks- she thinks the baby is a punishment."
"I know that. But how do I fix it? How do I make her realize it isn't?"
"I can't tell you what to do."
"Then what the hell are you suppose to do?" He stands up, "If I fuck this up, it's on you."
///
"I'm sorry," you tell him when you walk in the door that night from work.
"Stop apologizing. Stop fucking apologizing and just don't flip out in the first place. God damnit, Addison, you don't get it. You don't fucking get it."
You move towards him, your eyes on fire and hands shaking. "You're right I don't. I don't get anything and I'm the biggest fuck-up in the world. Your life would be better without me."
"When the hell did I say that? Stop twisting my words around."
"I'm not twisting your words around, Mark. And who the fuck cares, anyway?"
"I do."
///
Naomi and Violet corner you in a room two days later and you know by the ultrasound machine set up that this is their attempt at making you come to terms with this pregnancy.
Naomi forces your shirt up and squirts the cold gel over your swollen stomach, she moves around for a few seconds before she locates the heartbeat.
"Addison…" she says in awe.
You turn your head, focusing on the screen in front of you. "Oh my god- It's- there are two."
"Addison, you're having twins."
You smile, genuinely, forgetting about everything besides the picture in front of you. If this is some cruel joke being played on you, you think you might be ready to handle it.
"Thank you."
///
You come home in a notably better mood, something Mark doesn't hesitate to point out. He's lying on the couch paying partial attention to the news and motioning for you to come join him.
"I have a present for you," you tell him when he kisses your nose.
"You do?"
You hand him the ultrasound image and watch as both his eyes and face light up. "Addison- there are two," he points out.
You laugh. "Yes, Mark. I am an OB/GYN after all."
"But… there are two."
"I know."
"How is that possible?"
"Are you seriously asking me that question?"
He smiles at you. "Sorry. I'm just so happy."
"I know." You move your head onto his chest. "I am too."
///
It's six a.m. when you walk into the office after a night of endless screaming and no sleep. Emily's being held tightly in your arms, you left Peyton home with Mark because she finally decided to go to bed. It's been three weeks since they were born and besides the obvious exhaustion you feel good.
You walk into her office and greet her with a smile. "You were right."
"About?"
"This. Maybe- You told me this could be a good thing and I think- I think it is. No, I know it is."
She smiles at you, and nods. "You're a terrific mother."
"You're a terrific therapist."
"Addison?" She calls out to you as you begin to make your way out the door.
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you're happy."
///